Hello everyone! I'm relatively new to sharing my work with the public in general and I apologize in advance for any typing/grammar errors. I do not have a Beta yet.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Disclaimer: All of the content that is Twilight related is owned by Stephanie Meyer. The rest is my own.
Enjoy!
August 8th, 2014
My migraine was made worse by the strobe lights. I deal with them every night but tonight – tonight is different. I stare as the faces in the crowd. All smiling, some fake and others real. There seems to be a general sense of direction in their movements. Their bodies flow languidly against one other, speaking some sort of silent lustful rain dance. I spend most of my time surrounded by people half my age so it is not often I get to relish in this sort of atmosphere. An atmosphere in which I can forget for an hour or so that I am not the only woman in the world experiencing this kind of desperation.
God, how it would feel to communicate with someone like that.
I take another sip of my scotch and feel it sting the back of my throat. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel detachment from everyone, I feel as if I'm floating by each person on the street and the words come naturally from my mouth as I teach the youth. Other days I feel everything. I feel every sound and emotion. Every brief touch or slight smile.
These are the times I like to write. These are the times I prefer to be alone as to not get overwhelmed. However, I needed a drink and my recent promise to abstain from solo drinking in my apartment has brought me here to Rocketeer's Pub & Club.
I feel a brush against my arm and the hair on the back of my neck stands up. I drag a wary eye to my left and catch a glimpse of blonde locks. I put the dream away. A hallucination. It must be.
"Ugh I'm really drunk." I mutter to myself.
"Ms. Swan. Pleasure making your acquaintance this evening." I groan and slam my glass on the bar.
"How the hell did you find me?" I deadpan. Staring into grey-blue eyes.
"Well, when my best friend refuses to answer her phone on this specific day I know she must be where there is alcohol and since you don't have a car it couldn't have been far away.
"I could've called a cab"
"You wouldn't have."
"You don't know that."
"But I do."
"Don't do this right now. Don't fucking read me like one of your clients." I sneer gulping the rest of my scotch.
"I don't need to read you, Bella. I've known you long enough to know that when you're downing scotch at a bar on Monday night there is a particular reason. And I also know that you care about your job which is why you're going to let me take you home to your apartment and drink some water so you can wake up in the morning and continue living." I scoff in response.
His words are sharp. Living? How the hell do you do that? How do you go on living when the only reasons you were disappeared in a single instance. Five years ago you are laughing with your three year old beautiful baby girl, and the next you're on a hospital ride to the ambulance. A cab ride home has turned into the massacre of your worst nightmares and it is just you. Left only with memories.
"Jasper. Don't belittle this." I plead. I know he is not but I fight for a way to be angry with him. To feel anything other than apathetic. I need to feel a fire burn in the pit of my stomach. I need to feel love and happiness but I cannot. Instead I can only sleep with chemical aid and I envy every parent that enters my classroom.
"Do not try to push me out Bella. I cannot belittle what you feel because I have never had to experience the kind of pain you have. But I do know that as much as…" He trails off, not wanting to say her name.
"Izzy. You can say her name Jasper. It hurts less than pretending she never had one." I state staring blankly at the wall behind him.
"Izzy wouldn't want this life for you. She would not want her mother to be sad and she wouldn't want her to live her life alone and shattering all of her working organs." I felt his arm around my shoulder which is surprising as I don't feel much of anything anymore.
"I'm not an alcoholic Jasper." He nods and I stand from the stool, wobbly, but effectively nonetheless.
"I agree, Bella. But the road you're heading down is not something I can witness."
"Don't worry about your conscious Mr. Whitlock. Your soul is free from this despair." I spit shoving off his hand and standing up straight.
"I love you Izzy. Happy Birthday." I say, rubbing the heart necklace around my throat that encased a picture of her and I on her fifth birthday. This day five years ago. She would be ten today. What a beautiful ten year old she would be.
Jasper's hand returned to its spot on my shoulder as he shuffled me out of the dim lit bar. The splitting sounds of an ambulance passing by outside sobered me and instantly brought hot tears to my eyes. My face was wet but walked with Jasper down the concrete pathway silently.
"Have you called Mike?" Jasper nervously inquires. He is right to be nervous. If I wasn't too busy trying to hold myself together I would've slapped him.
"He made his choice." I snarl. If I could produce venom I'm sure I would right not. My pace quickens as the cold starts to bite through my light autumn coats. My heels click in an unwavering beat. Focusing on that I regain rhythm in my breathing.
"I feel that it would help you. You both loved her so dearly. He is her father." I let out a loud guffaw
"Well he can lean on Jessica's shoulder like he has been doing for the past three years. At least this time he doesn't have to hide it from me." Saying it out loud hurts even more. But not as much as Izzy's absence.
"I despise him more than any other human being on this planet and I always have. But you clearly are not getting any help from me and I don't know who can get through to you. I don't want to lose you Bella. I lost Izzy as well. And while she may not be my own, she was basically my niece and I cannot take losing you forever either." It could be the icy wind of the emotions but I could swear there was wetness threatening to jump down his cheeks.
The son of a marine, Jasper never cried. He was taught that men do not express their weakness. This was real though and I could sense his pain. However, I am not oblivious. I am aware that my hurt has been hurting others. Hell, that's why I go to sleep alone now. Because I pushed away the only other person in the world that had a piece of my heart. And now I'm threatening to lose my closest friend.
I can't bring myself to care though. Maybe I'm not meant to care about others. I am very terrible at it.
"I'm sorry Jasper." I mutter dryly. There is no real remorse for my actions. I feel hurt that he is hurt but I cannot bring myself to change.
"No you're not Bella. But that's okay" He replies.
Before I know it we are facing my door and I have to brave my apartment again. I couldn't bring myself to move after all this time. There's something about being as close as I can that keeps me from running. Part of me wanted to flee to the other side of the country. Part of me still wants to.
"Have you ever thought of visiting home?" I say turning to face my best friend before he turns to leave. His look is quizzical, almost understanding.
"Rarely, but yes. However, I can guess why you are asking me this and I'm going to say this one thing about the subject." I squint my eyes a little preparing to hear him berate me on wallowing in my self-pity to the point of lashing out of innocent bystanders such as himself.
"I want you to feel whole again. And if there is something deep within you that is telling you to go back to your roots, I will not, and CANNOT, tell you to do otherwise. Go home if you feel it will change the reality you eventually have to face." His lips formed a hard line and I could feel the anger he had been bottling up, too afraid to shake the shark cage.
"I'm an asshole." I state. Not as an apology, but as a recognition of my faults. He sees this and a little bit of his light comes back to his eyes.
"Goodnight Bells." He whispered giving me two quick pecks, one on each cheek. Something he picked up after backpacking across Europe. I roll my eyes and snort while sarcastically holding out my foot.
"Aren't you going to kiss my feet too my good sir?" He raises a brow and his lips form a small smirk with a tiny dimple on either side.
"Ah, if only you weren't uncultured swine." He gives me a wink before he turns on his heel and gives me a quick wave, disappearing into the darkness around the corner.
Jasper and I had been friends since college. I always wondered why we had never developed into an item. There was something about our relationship that didn't invite romance. However, his southern drawl gave me comfort in a new state and kept me at ease, even if I had been running as far from home as possible. I wonder if my life would be different if that weren't the case.
Instead I went steady with Mike Newton. A blonde haired, blue-eyed, political science major. He knew how to treat a lady and nights with him were always fun even if they weren't entirely satisfying on the sexual end. After a year or so of exclusivity he did what any self-respecting man of his stature does, he proposed on November 27th of 2003. In the heat of the moment I said yes, also knowing that a pregnancy test I had taken the other night read positive and I couldn't bring myself to tell him yet.
We rented a cute little town home two months later and were married on February 14th, 2004. How cliché, I know. But my angel was brought into the world on August 8th of 2004. And while I may not have pictured my life the way it had turned out, I felt just right. Her life was the most important thing in my own and I would do whatever it takes to make it the best we have to offer.
I couldn't have picture being T-Boned by a drunk driver the night of her fifth birthday. We had gone to the park and the zoo. She loved talking to the animals. He first day of kindergarten was next Monday and I remember thinking I didn't think I could survive a full day away from her. Little did I know I could survive much more as hard as it would be.
And here you have the Prologue. Please review and tell me what you think. I appreciate any form of critique as well! Thank you!