Why do I respect her the way I do?
Why do I look at her the way I do?
Why do I listen to her every word?
Why don't I question what I know is wrong?
Cinder Fall is my boss, our leader. She tells us what needs to be done and we do it, it's that simple. She has an air around her, it's hard to tell sometimes whether the feeling is of authority or just sheer intimidation, but none of us dare to say anything against her when she's giving orders.
We know what happens to those that do.
Sometimes I wonder why she chose the allies she did, my partner is a jackass most of the time and Roman Torchwick doesn't have a trustworthy bone in his body, I can't stand being in the same room as him any longer than I need to. Though I can't deny, seeing that lowlife squirm when Cinder puts him in his place fills me with a certain kind of glee that I can't describe. It feels like she sticks up for me sometimes when he's involved, like a big sister stepping in to defend her younger sibling, it's not that black and white though.
The truth is I look up to her more than anyone else, more than any real family I ever had. Why would I respect them? They didn't want me, tossed me aside cause I was 'different', my.. gift, scared them too much. Maybe that's why I turned out the way I did, sneaking around the streets, lying, cheating, and stealing my way to what I thought was a life.
She changed all that.
Cinder, changed everything.
Cinder... Saved me.
She was the only one to ever look at me with interest, with eyes that knew I could be more. She wanted me, not just my ability. She thought I was special.
It's true that my semblance was valuable to her, maybe at first that was all she wanted from me, to help her trick her way to more power. But in the years I've spent with her, all the times I've proved myself to be useful to her, I just feel like she knows what I can do, how much I will do for her.
I dunno, maybe it's just me hoping for more, but part of me knows I'm more to her now than just a walking mind trick.
Things feel different nowadays, Cinder's plans have only been getting bigger and more dangerous, the risks she's been taking and the things we've been doing... I think even Mercury is starting to show some kind of doubt, as well as he seems to hide it. I know he was as nervous as I was when we took on the fall maiden, my mistake almost got us all killed, I've never understood why Cinder was as forgiving as she was when the plan failed. When we got back to Haven she was strangely kind and reassuring, it's not that I didn't like the attention, it just didn't seem like her.
It kinda scared me...
I've hoped she won't see through me, that she won't realize how much I've started to.. doubt her ideals. It's not that I don't think she can do it, I know she can get what she wants and she'll destroy anyone that tries to stop her. It's the scale of her plan and her disregard for how many people get hurt that scares me most. If she's willing to kill so many innocent people for her own gain, what would stop her from killing us if we spoke up against the plan? The most I could do would be to run, hide, trick my way into hiding. Not that anyone could really hide from her, if she can track down the White fang and overthrow their leader, there's no way I could outrun her long enough to really escape.
Even despite all that, I don't want to leave.
Cinder was the first person to accept me, who I am, what I can do. I didn't need to deceive my way onto her good side, manipulate my way onto her team. She just... Wanted me.
That's why Cinder Fall means so much to me.
She's the burning light at the end of the tunnel I never knew I wanted to take, a flame that both warms my soul and threatens to incinerate it just as easily. But like a moth I can't help fluttering around an unsure fate, staying put when every natural instinct tells me more each day that this could be the last.
Simply put... Cinder is who I want to be with, no matter what happens.
I won't abandon her.
"Wow, Emerald, you have some serious issues bottled up. Nothing you wanna share with the team?"
I can envision myself punching Mercury's smug face right now as he holds my diary up in front of himself, I practically feel my knuckles cracking as they turn white to contrast the crimson dying my face.
"Mercury... If you want to see the start of the next mission, you'll put that down, leave my room, and stay out of my life for the remaining years of yours."
I can barely force the words past the grinding of my teeth, every fiber of my being right now is burning with embarrassment and rage towards my teammate who seems to be enjoying teetering on the very cusp of my patience.
"What? You think I came in here just to read about your personal life? Cinder wanted me to come get you so I did. Not my fault you left this out for anyone to find."
I despise the fact that he's right, I left it on my desk while I went to take care of something else.
"Whatever, just get out of my room!"
I snap at him, which only succeeds in making that dumb smirk spread wider. He stands up and closes the green leather bound book in his hand.
"Come on, Emerald, if you're not gonna say anything to her then I totally should, nothing'll happen if you don't take action right?"
I see red, figuratively and literally. The moment I'm about to take a swing at Mercury's jaw, the flash of crimson in the corner of my eye halts me before I can even advance.
"C..Cinder!"
The raven haired woman that haunts my dreams and nightmares stands quietly in my doorway, that same smile on her face that she always knowingly wears. Totally calm and yet fierce enough to put down any kind of resistance that dares to rear its head.
"Now now you two." Her smooth and reserved voice pierces the both of us, pinning us down with nothing but her stare. "If you can't get along during your down time, however are you going to function as a team when I need you?"
"Cinder, I'm not.. Mercury invaded my privacy without a reason."
"I sent him to fetch you, I'm certain he wouldn't just walk in here on his own."
"That's not what I-"
"She's just mad cause I got bored waiting for her and read what she was writing, some kinda sappy love story I think."
I glare at Mercury as he cuts me off, trying to cover his own ass with that same smug smile. Cinder doesn't seem to buy it though, I hear the almost glass-like sound of her heels against the floor as she steps to my side, her fingers creeping slowly and softly over my shoulder to take a firm but strangely tender hold on it.
"Mercury, you should know better than to do things you weren't ordered to." The look in her eyes as she watches him, gauges his reaction, she knows exactly what he's holding. "A girl needs her secrets, and you shouldn't be snooping around without permission."
He knows he has nothing he can say back, with an arrogant shrug he tosses the diary onto my bed and shoves his hands in his pockets, turning back to me on his way out.
"Well I did my part, let me know when I'm needed again."
Part of me doesn't know how he can act that way around someone that could end his life faster than he can apologize, but a bigger part wonders why Cinder lets him get away with it all the time.
Once Mercury is completely gone, she takes a step back towards my door. If I wasn't so intimidated by her mere presence, I would admire how utterly graceful every move she makes is. She turns slowly to face me once more, she hasn't moved far but I can already feel the air getting slightly less tense as the gap widens.
Why am I so enthralled by someone that terrifies me with nothing but a look?
"I do still require your presence, Emerald. I want you to meet me in the back of the library within the hour, I have an important assignment for you."
I can't do anything but nod. As much as I appreciate her getting Mercury off my back, I can't stop my hands from shaking.
I know she can see it.
My eyes widen as I see hers flicker down at my trembling body, I'm trying to keep it under control, her lips curl slowly into that knowing smile.
"You know you're a great asset to me, Emerald." She takes that small step back to stand with me, her finger brushes under my chin and delicately lifts my gaze to meet hers. "You wouldn't be here, if you weren't supposed to be. You have a purpose here, do not disappoint me."
I can feel the heat flushing through my cheeks, this close to her face, my throat feels dry and I can't make any response outside of a hurried nod. Her smile seems to be more satisfied as she raises her hand, I feel her palm press against the back of my head and make a slow stroking movement over my hair. Before I can think too much on the action, it's taken from me, she turns and strides away to exit my room once more.
"Good girl."
With that, she disappears from sight, leaving me on my own to gather my scattered thoughts and prepare for whatever plans she has for me.
And find a new place to hide my diary.