Have you ever felt worthless?
Completely and utterly useless. A waste of space? I have. Exactly 4 times.
That's actually how I'm feeling right now. But let's start at the beginning.
The first time I ever felt like this was when saw my mothers and fathers cold dead body on the ground. A pool of blood surrounding them. Knife still wedged in my mothers back, no doubt trying to protect my Father, a bloody bat laying near his head.
My parents were childhood sweethearts. They had literally known each other from birth. They would always joke about how they had come into this world together and that they were going to leave together.
My wailing brought the Neighbours to our door. They saw the gruesome bodies and quickly covered my eyes before dragging me out the door knocking and screaming. "She won't remember a thing. She's too young." The people would say. To comfort me or themselves I never knew. But what I do know is that they were wrong. I do remember everything. Every Colour, every sound, every smell and every feeling. I still wake up in a cold sweat once in a while because of that. The only thought my 2 year old mind could come up with during my parents funeral was, 'I want my family back...'. The helplessness I felt that day was all consuming. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't bring her back, I couldn't bring papa back. I couldn't even stop crying. I was completely useless.
During this dark time I searched for ways to Channel those emotions somehow, and soon found out that pain was the best way. So I started to clench my fists, nails digging into my skin. The pain helping in driving out the helplessness I was feeling.
In some twisted way I Guess the self harm helped me prove to myself that I could cause pain. That I could protect the people I love by causing pain to whosoever wished them harm.
After my parents funeral, I was then shuffled from house to house, no one ready to take up the responsibility of another child or in some instances a child, before finally running away and joining fairy tail.
I'd never told anyone about my past. Not cause I was ashamed but because that's all it was, my past. Doesn't mean I don't reminisce once in a while or that time has dulled anything. Everytime I think about it I still cry. I still hug their picture wishing, hoping and praying that they would magically manifest in front of me before putting the picture back into her cupboard and locking it. Then composing myself and prepping for another day at the guild, smiles and all.