Author's Note: I know I really shouldn't need a disclaimer, but since the world is full of idiots, I claim no responsibility of any work of Squenix (Square-Enix).
Saving the Suicidal
A most dramatic retelling of a most hated battle
A Final Fantasy Tactics fanfiction by: Novalon
His cold eyes looked to the door, as he knew what lay before him.
He grimaced.
"This is the 5th time we've done this, guys… do you have any idea how much I hate repeating a battle over?"
The ninja adorned in blue near him scoffed.
"Be thankful you aren't doing a Straight Character Challenge… the number of repetitions for those are almost mind boggling."
He nodded.
"Excellent point…"
He turned to his compatriots, noticing they were all checking their equipment as he neared them.
"Let's review what happened during our previous tries, shall we?"
The ninja nodded, "Yes Ramza, I have the proper tools to help us devise a quick strategy."
Ramza nodded, "Right, you wouldn't want me to have to reload from the other save slot, right? You know how agonizingly long I take facing off against Wiegraf…"
All the others in the room grimaced.
The youngest male of the Beoluve line peered around at the group in front of him.
"Can anyone tell me why we had to reset?"
His engineer friend, Mustadio spoke up, "That stupid woman decided it was intelligent to attack the Marquis head on…"
Agrias, the only Holy Knight in the party shook her head, "No, that was the first reset…"
Mustadio expressed a frown, "Well then… it was because she ran up to one of the assassins… and they killed her with a single move?"
Ramza shook his head, "No, that was reset numbers 2 and 3."
They all turned to their Wizard partner, who was busying himself with several different kinds of applied mathematics on the wall of the castle.
Ramza coughed, "Blake here decided it was an interesting idea to see how Rafa could take a Holy spell calculated onto her."
"What?" He spat. "The bitch got what was coming to her."
Ramza put a hand to his chin, "I'll agree with that… she's next to worthless…"
"Next to worthless?" Asked Agrias.
"Yeah, worthless being what I call Malak, her brother… anyway…"
The ninja in blue raised a hand, "Perhaps it would be a better idea if you traded me in for someone you took on one of the last teams…"
Ramza looked over his list before suddenly pointing his finger on a specific spot on the paper.
"What in
the hell is this?"
"Ramza?" the ninja asked, confused.
"THIS!!!!"
The ninja looked at the name that was scribbled into one of the formation slots on the paper.
"Tim? Who the hell is that?"
Ramza turned to see a teenager adorned in a squire's uniform try to get away, to no avail. The ninja had already blocked off his path.
"Please, Sir Gyrick! Spare me!"
The ninja frowned, unseen behind his mask.
"Why should I? You were put in the group out of pity. If you didn't do the jobs that we would leave to our servants anyway… we wouldn't have any use for you!"
Ramza looked at the paper, "I didn't write your name here… from what I can decipher, it looks like your handwriting… but I didn't notice you in the battles…"
Mustadio sighed, "He would hide behind me, hoping he could throw a stone at the Marquis before I could get a shot off…"
Ramza sighed, "What an idiot… I apologize Gyrick, I'll pencil you in here… behind Mustadio."
The ninja eyed him, "What? I could probably go up against the…"
Ramza unsheathed his twin swords, his ninja garb slightly moving.
"I want you to put a shuriken through the back of Elmdor's head."
Gyrick though about this for a moment, "While you distract him in front? That sounds like something only a covert class should do…"
Ramza shook his head, "What the hell do you think you are? A bard?"
The ninja shuddered, "God no… I would rather be eaten by Queklain…"
Ramza turned to Tim, who was fighting to get out of Gyrick's grasp.
"Tim!"
The squire turned his face towards the stoic face of his leader.
"Yes, Sir Ramza?"
His face looked as if it were to move to anger, but Ramza's voice did not waver, nor did his gaze change.
"I demote you to monster duty. Anything that the chocobos or whatever other beast we pick up will be cared for by you… if you fail to do your job correctly…"
He motioned to the ninja holding on to Tim, who had an odd light in his eyes.
"I will have Gyrick cut you up into tiny bits, and feed you to Boco. Do I make myself clear?"
The squire gulped before slowly nodding his head.
Ramza smiled, turning towards the door.
"Blake…"
"Yes Ramza?" the master calculator in the robes of a black mage asked.
"Be sure to cast healing spells of Rafa this time."
Blake nodded, looking up a table of various calculable numbers.
"Agrias."
"Yes?" she asked.
"Do what you always do."
She smiled, knowing how much she had already used Lightning Stab.
"Will do, leader."
He smiled to her, before facing the door once again.
"Musty."
Mustadio turned to him, "Yeah?"
"Bust a cap in all of them."
Mustadio chuckled, "Already planned to."
Ramza nodded, before finally turning back to Gyrick.
"Gyrick!"
The ninja acknowledged him with a simple nod.
"First, put Tim down…"
The squire was shoved into the wall forcefully, as the ninja slowly made his way to where the rest of the battle formation was.
"…and remember where you are putting that shuriken."
"In the back of that damn Marquis' head. I'm up for it."
"Good…" Ramza muttered, turning back to the door.
He turned the knob, as he could hear Rafa speak to Malak.
"Let's save that suicidal bitch."
Author's Note: It's not often I do a humor fic, but I think it brings out a side of me that I enjoy. I ask that you all review this fanfiction and give me your thoughts. Oh yes and…
I had characters with these names in my last playthrough… the name Gyrick was added in with aid of a Gameshark. And yes, I hate this battle with a passion. By the way, read Gyrick's fanfiction too, his humor is like mine, but he seems to have more of it.
- Novalon