Kill Booth Vol. 1
Note: This is a parody of Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill."
WARNING: This was written during my senior year of high school, which was approximately five thousand years ago. Approach carefully!
Dramatis Personae:
Samurai Lincoln (SL): Our esteemed 16th President, now a badass samurai warrior…almost.
Ow-Burns Itchy-ee (OI): A sexy assassin-ish woman under the employ of John Wilkes Booth. May or may not have the clap.
Megumi and Meguyuu (Mmi & Myu): Twin mercenaries; together they make up the notorious gang the Crazy 88s divided by 44 (To the math impaired out there, that's two!)
Chuck Marron (CM): Itchy-ee's annoying hand servant.
AT RISE: (The stage is still dark, but Samurai Lincoln is in the center of the stage)
SL: Wiggle your big toe.
(Pause)
Wiggle your big toe.
(Another pause)
Dammit! I told you to wiggle your big effing toe!
(The lights come on. SL is kneeling in front of Chuck Marron, who is seated.)
CM: Hold on! Don't rush me! I need to focus first!
(Takes a deep breath, makes the "ommm" sound as if he were meditating)
Okay, I'm ready now!
SL: (sighs) And this little piggy went "Wee! Wee! Wee!" all the way home!
(aside) And hopefully skewers himself!
CM: (claps happily) Yay! Do it again!
SL: No! Enough! I've already done this 9,952 times! Where the hell is Ow-Burns Itchy-ee?!
CM: What's wrong with you? Do you have the clap or something?
SL: Keep up those smartass remarks, and you'll be about 3 feet shorter! (pulls out a katana from its sheath and points it at CM)
CM: (gasps) That sword! Such a blade could only be forged by…by…the legendary swordsmith Hat'n'tie Hanzenfootso!
SL: How do you know that?
CM: Eh, I pick up on things like that. Besides, someone needed to kick in with the obligatory "kung-fu legendary master" cliché…So! You're here for that, are you? Mistress Itchy-ee told me you might be coming!
SL: She knew I was coming? What, did she also say that I came here to kill her?
CM: Hah! Gotcha! I was just screwing with ya! Seriously, though, my mistress gave me strict orders not to disturb her, nor let anybody else do so. So, yeah, I'm gonna have you go ahead and not kill her. Could you also turn around and go back where you came from before I get medieval on your sorry ass? Yeah, that would be great…
SL: If she had done to you what she helped do to me, you'd want to kill her, too!
CM: Really? Hey, I've got time, why don't you tell me about it? (sits down and pulls out a notepad)
SL: What's that for?
CM: I'm studying psychiatry, and I want to write down all the juicy, lunatic stuff that comes out of your mouth. Finally, a maniac killer! I've hit the jackpot!
SL: Look, I'm not crazy, okay? I'm just looking for some good, honest bloody revenge. Is that so much to ask?
CM: Mmm-hmm, I see…
SL: Are you even listening to me?
CM: Mmm-hmm, I see…
SL: (sputters) Stop saying that!
CM: Mmm-hmm, I see…
(SL snatches the notepad from CM)
Oh, I'm sorry, what were you saying?
SL: I thought psychiatrists were supposed to listen to their patients!
CM: (laughs) Yeah, right! This is part of my coursework in Pretending to Listen 101. Besides, you're not technically my patient. Hell, I'm not even a psychiatrist yet!
SL: (pulls out his sword again) Okay, enough of this screwing around! Where's Itchy-ee!
CM: Look, Mr.….uh, what's your name?
SL: Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.
(CM looks at him, then laughs hysterically)
What's so funny?
CM: Yeah freakin' right! You're Abraham Lincoln! And I'm Gary Coleman! I thought you said that you weren't crazy!
SL: I'm serious! I really am…wait a minute, who's Gary Coleman?
CM: You know what? I'm not supposed to have any idea. After all, this is supposed to be 1869, even though there are plenty of other anachronisms in this play!
(a cell phone rings)
SL: Hold on, I've gotta take this…Hello?...I already told you, I'm on a quest for bloody vengeance! I can't go out tonight!...Yeah, well this is kinda important…You knew what you were getting into! Don't give me that!...Yeah, perhaps you should've married that Bill what's-his-face! Then you could die together in misery!...Oh, so I almost die and I'm supposed to just "let it go"? Don't give me that!...You know what, it's over! Done! I never want to hear from you again! (hangs up)
CM: Like that, for example!
SL: What do you expect? It's a one-act written by a nerdy high school student who spends all his time watching Quentin Tarantino movies and pleasuring himself to obscene anime pictures!
CM: No kidding…So, uh (snorts) Mr. Lincoln, wasn't John Wilkes Booth the one who shot you? Shouldn't you go after him?
SL: Booth was only a part of the whole scheme. Itchy-ee was one of the actresses onstage in the Ford Theater on that day. She gave the signal to Booth to shoot me. At least, that's what I think it was. I mean, what other reason would there be to act out the complete Kama Sutra in 30 seconds?
CM: The complete Kama Sutra?
SL: Yes.
CM: Is that even possible?
SL: Apparently it is. The worst part is that she didn't even get naked! I mean, then at least Booth might have been distracted enough to miss! Plus, it would have been a lot nicer to look at as I went down…Ahem! Anyway, take me to your mistress so that I may collect her head and keep it as my trophy!
CM: Now I just can't do that!
SL: Why not, besides the obvious?
CM: Mistress Itchy-ee thought you'd be coming, so she gave me very specific instructions in dealing with you.
SL: I thought you said—
CM: Shhh! They don't know about that discontinuity! Anyway, I have been instructed to lay the smack down on you, bee-yotch!
(CM commences to make bogus kung-fu movements and sounds)
Whatcha got, huh? Huh? Whatcha got?
(CM runs at SL to attack. SL holds a hand out, and CM runs into it and falls)
OWWW! That hurt! Why'd you hit so hard?
SL: All right, you're defeated, yada yada yada…Can you take me to Itchy-ee now?
CM: Fine! MISTRESS ITCHY-EEEEEE!! YOU HAVE A GUEST HERE TO SEE YOU!
SL: Jeez! Don't you have an intercom system or something?
CM: No, that would be anachronistic!
SL: So what? I have a cell phone, and nobody seems to mind that!
CM: …good point…
(enter Ow-Burns Itchy-ee)
OI: Is it my gynecologist, Chuck? Because I've been waiting for the longest time—(sees SL) Oh, it's you.
SL: That's it?! "Oh, it's you"? Lame!
OI: What did you expect?
SL: I don't know, something like, "No, this can't be! I thought you were dead!" Or maybe "I saw you die!"
OI: Those lines are older than your mom! Ooh, BURN!!!
SL: That's so unimaginative!
OI: No! I mean that it burns down there!! OW!!!! Sonuvabitch!!!
SL: So the rumors were true…Anyway, (points sword at OI) prepare to die!
OI: Now hang on just a minute, Mr. 16th President of the United States! Not yet!
SL: Save your pleading, wench! It won't work on me!
OI: No, you moron, you're not supposed to kill me yet!
SL: Why the bloody hell not?
OI: According to Chapter 13, Section 8, Paragraph 21, Clause 5 of the Bloody Revenge Spree Rulebook, you're supposed to fight henchmen before you tackle me.
SL: I thought I already did that. (points to CM)
CM: Oh, I'm not a henchman. I'm just a servant included in the story for the purposed of amusement and filling the pages so that the play is stretched out to at least 10 minutes long.
OI: Besides, it says henchmen, not henchman.
SL: Okay, fine! Where are you other henchmen, then?
OI: Oh, you're in for it, now! May I present to you…the Crazy 88s!
(nothing happens)
Uh…I present to you…the Crazy 88's!
(still nothing happens)
SL: Wow, this must be embarrassing.
OI: Shut up! Okay, one more time: I present to you…the Crazy 88s!
(Enter Megumi and Meguyuu)
…uh, what the hell! I thought there were 88 of you!
Mmi: Oh, you're thinking of the real Crazy 88s!
Myu: You see, we're the Crazy 88s—divided by 44.
OI: What?! How did I hire two mercenaries instead of 88?
Mmi: You should really learn to read, lady.
Myu: Besides, can you imagine 86 more people on this stage? It would exceed the legal capacity!
CM: She has a good point.
OI: All right, very well! Then you two will just have to do! Eliminate him! (points to SL)
(SL, Mmi, and Myu proceed to fight for a minute or two. Improvised insults and quick-witted one-liners are traded back and forth. Eventually, they all stop, panting)
SL: Not (pant) bad (pant) you two (pant).
Mmi: You're (pant) pretty impressive yourself (pant) Mr. President.
Myu: Though there's one thing…
Mmi: …we're wondering.
Myu: Where'd you learn…
Mmi: …to use a sword…
Myu: …like that?
SL: Why, from the very best! Hat'n'tie Hanzenfootso!
OI: I thought I recognized that technique. By the way, you two, you're gonna die.
Mmi: What do you mean?
Myu: Yeah, what happened? (looks at SL) What did you do to us?!
SL: Oh, it's a little something called the "Five Line Delayed Slice'n'Dice" technique.
Mmi: What does that mean?
(Mmi drops dead)
SL: When you speak five lines after it is used, you die.
Myu: What a ripoff! We only got seven lines apiece…
(Myu drops dead)
CM: That's some crazy-ass shit!
SL: Now, Itchy-ee, draw your weapon, it's your turn!
OI: Okay, but could you at least stop using those outdated clichés? They're really rather annoying.
SL: Fine. Let's fight.
(OI draws her sword and holds it out. SL does likewise)
CM: Ooh! Hold on!
(CM runs offstage, then quickly returns with a bag/tub of popcorn)
Okay, go ahead and start killing each other now!
(SL and OI fight for 20-30 seconds, then break away)
OI: Your form is sloppy. Just what I'd expect from a stupid American like you!
SL: I'll show you sloppy! I'll get so sloppy even Joe would be jealous!
OI: Wait…what?
SL: Never mind! Let's just continue fighting!
OI: Whatever…
(They fight for 20 more seconds, then break away again, SL yelping in pain)
SL: Aagh! At least you didn't cut off my hand, or that would have really sucked!
OI: Yeah, that's the wrong movie anyway. So, have you had enough yet?
SL: And you get after me for using clichés!
OI: Just answer the damn question!
SL: Not even close, bitch!
(They fight for 20 more seconds, then end with their backs to each other. A cluster of hair, OI's, falls to the ground)
OI: Dude, you just sliced off my scalp!
SL: Shouldn't you be dead?
OI: Give it a moment…there we go.
(OI drops dead)
SL: Phew! One down, an as-of-yet undetermined number to go! (sheathes his sword)
CM: Wow! That was freakin' awesome!!! Granted, you just killed my employer, but it was still cool!
SL: Yeah, yeah, glad you enjoyed it. I'm outta here.
(starts walking offstage)
CM: Hey! Wait a minute!
SL: What?
CM: I'm coming with you!
SL: The hell you are!
CM: Please! I have nowhere else to go!
SL: You have this whole empty house to yourself now!
CM: Oh, yeah…But still, it'll get lonely here without somebody else!
SL: Hire a hooker or something.
CM: That's not what I'm looking for!
SL: Whatever, it's not my problem. Later.
(Exits)
CM: Wait!
(pause)
Damn, now what?
(pause)
'cause I'm all alone…there's no one here beside meeee….
(BLACKOUT)