Author's Note:

Hello and welcome to my first LL-fanfiction and the first fanfiction I ever published (all the others are somewhere buried in the depths of my computer).

Although I enjoy most of the pairings the LL-fandom has to offer I'm kind of addicted to Nozomi and Eri. They share something... Their relationship is just something special.

Therefore I always wondered: Why is it that Eri's solo "Arifureta Kanashimi No Hate" is such a sad song? And when I rewatched season two of LL this just popped in my mind.

I hope you enjoy this ride we are going to take together.

The 25th of December always had been a special day in the Ayase family. Since part of her family had been Japanese, they celebrated Christmas on that day as well, not just on the 6th of January like the Russian part of her family did. The Ayases wanted their daughters to grow up in both cultures, not just one. That intention was one of the reasons why Eri and Arisa were allowed to live in Japan and visiting Otonokizaka. It wasn't just an alma mater. It was an opportunity as well.

An opportunity that changed her life. In Otonokizaka she met people she would have never thought could be her friends. Not because they were bad people. But because their personalities didn't match at all. Eri had been strict, sticking with the rules, antisocial and somewhat awkward. People had tried to approach her, but she would always turn them down. And after a couple of days they would give up.

Then there was this one girl. Eri still didn't know how she managed it, but she somehow broke the shell Eri had been building up. She was patient, she didn't back down. Eri smiled at the memory. Back then she wouldn't have dared to call this girl her best friend. If she was honest, she even thought of this girl to be annoying and a bother. But at the same time, she gradually pushed her away less. And at some point, she stopped entirely.

It wasn't her surroundings that became accustomed to her, it was her becoming accustomed to her surroundings. And she wouldn't had been able to do so alone. It felt naturally to be with her friends, because she could be naturally. She could be herself.

But old habits die hard, and so Eri found herself being thrown back in time, being the cute and clever Erichika that her family knew so well. Or so they thought. Being the loner, the thinker, the one keeping a distance. No one expected anything else from here and she didn't do anything else either. She accepted it. Not because she wanted to, but because she had to.

Even if she didn't want to admit it, it was difficult for Eri to be the same person she was for her friends for her family. It was only Arisa who knew and who she behaved to like she did in Japan. No one else gave her the opportunity. Bu in Eri's opinion, that was alright.

Because no one had the quality to give her this opportunity except for-

"Erichika, mind giving me some of the bread?" Eri was snapped out of her thoughts when her father called her.

He was a tall man in his mid-forties with a handsome face. Sometimes Eri thought that it was naturally that her mother had been falling for him. Wearing a black suit the most recognisable feature of him was pronounced even more: his blond hair.

People always thought that Eri and her sister inherited their hair colour by her mother, because blond hair was pretty rare among Japanese. So they assumed it was trait of the Russian part of her family.

Her mother gave them the blue eyes, though. With her father's being brown, Eri's and Arisa's were a shade darker than her mother's but still remained fairly bright.

"Of course." Eri took the basket with the bread and gave it to her father who sat opposite her, her mother to his right. They looked good together, Eri thought. With a small smile her mother took the basket out of her father's hands and all Eri could think of was how happy they were.

Of course, it was Christmas. Evening of the 25th to be more precise. Her whole family had gathered in her grandmother's fairly big house to celebrate and now sat along three tables, eating. Later they would retire to whatever they wanted to do. And in the morning they would gather and open up the presents.

Arise, who sat to Eri's left, noticed the longing gaze her older sister had when she watched her parents interacting. She nudged Eri under the table and gave her a small smile which was returned almost immediately. But Arise didn't miss that her sister's smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

Eri went back to the room she shared with Arisa and laid down on her bed, face first. Her little sister had followed her and quietly closed the door.

"It seems like you don't enjoy the evening, Onee-chan." Arisa laid down beside Eri.

Slowly turning around and facing her little sister, Eri saw the worry in the girl's eyes. "It's not that I am not happy to be with my family…"

"…But something, or rather someone is missing, am I right?"

Covering her face with her hand Eri sighed. "Maybe."

Arisa giggled. "Maybe? Onee-chan sure doesn't want anybody to know. Or is it that she does not know it herself?"

"I swear, a certain shrine maiden is a really bad influence."

"So you're not going to invite her over anymore because you are concerned about your little sister?"

"Arisa! You know I would never do that."

"I may know more than you do, Onee-chan…"

"What do you mean?" Eri looked at her sister confused.

Shrugging, Arisa stood up and walked to the door. "I'm with mom, helping her in the kitchen." She left.

Now alone, Eri made her way towards the window. It was dark, the stars perfectly visible, meaning it would be a really cold night.

Seeing the night sky, Eri became sad once more. "We don't even look at the same sky tonight… me being in Russia, she in Japan…" She sighed once more.

She knew that Arisa just wanted to help, making her feel better. But when she asked if Eri didn't even know herself she was reminded on what bothered her tonight.

Of course she knew. She knew exactly what was wrong, what was missing. It was Christmas after all. The time of the year where you were supposed to be with your loved ones, laughing, smiling. But she couldn't because not all of them were with her. Of course she had her family. And she loved her family. But it wasn't the same kind of love Eri felt for that certain someone.

She had asked her if she wanted to come along. But she had told Eri that it was fine, that her parents would visit and that she wouldn't be lonely. She had smiled at Eri. That kind of smile that Eri had come to know so well. That kind of smile that betrayed her actions, telling Eri that she wasn't honest. And it had hurt Eri to see that the one she loved was hurting as well. All she wanted was to make her happy, to make her smile genuinely.

Eri closed her eyes. "You idiot… you were lying back then, weren't you…. Nozomi?"

Author's Note:

If you would like to ask me some questions, be it about this story or not, feel free to visit me on tumblr (link should be displayed in my profile). I'd be happy to hear from you and I hope you enjoyed the first part.

Assignment:
Looking for a beta-reader since english is not my mother tongue and I would like to avoid too many mistakes. If you would like to helo me improve, I would be glad to get a message from you.

Thank you for reading the first chapter.

See you next time.