It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing- Alternate reality songfic for Merlin
It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing - An Alternate Reality for Merlin, Season 2 on
Disclaimer: This is an alternate reality fan-fiction, inspired by the Shania Twain song of the same name. There are also going to be elements from a couple of clips, by LabuanPearl88. I love their stuff- they are a goddess (or a god?!) to me; the very first time I saw one of their works, I was like 'Be-still my little shipper heart- this is magnificent!'
I give oceans of credit to you- I likely wouldn't have my work, if I hadn't seen yours – I hope you and the many others who help to inspire me, feel I do justice to your creations with my little stories.
Of course- BBC's Merlin and the magnificent talents of Bradley James and Katie McGrath also deserve a big mention, for bringing the legendary characters to life, so vividly. We need to remember, no matter how badly the writers screwed our favourite legend- Brad and Katie themselves are in favour of ArMor- so, we still win something, in the end.
This was inspired by the epicness of ArMor and the never-ending disappointment I felt, when it was then mumped up so spectacularly; when I was listening to the Shania Twain song a day or two after watching a mid-series episode and still feeling a bit depressed by it, I thought, 'I really think the Morgana that they established in Season 1, would have actually felt like that.' So, this kind of went from there.
The basic themes of the story are Love and Change: what changes us in part, what changes us forever- and what remains the same, no matter what (which is only one of the areas I feel that the Merlin writers failed in; to keep track of continuity of character should NOT have been so hard).
Don't get me wrong- I loved the basic premise of Merlin- and for me, Season 1, for all its' faults- had the best balance of legend, reinvention, character, humour and emotional connection.
I'm ArMor til I die, though- so to go from the potential the first season had, to what they ended with- it makes me angry and I know I'm not the only one.
Ok, rant's out of the way.
Changes; It's AU and starts partway through Season 2 - but there strong elements from Seasons 3-5, try and guess which- it isn't hard! There's also flashbacks/ call-backs to events from Season 1. And it goes without saying, but I will anyway; Seasons 2-5 have been re-plotted, some later events occurring earlier- to different characters or not at all- and some outcomes changing.
The major ones; An event keeps Morgana from falling entirely under Morgause's thrall.
Morgana is just what she was in Season 1, the King's Ward- NOT his illegitimate daughter and Arthur's half-sister. It's Morgana's families' heritage, importance in the realm and her position at Court, NOT a direct familial connection to Uther, that could lend weight to a claim for the throne.
The story's kind of about her initial denial, as well- she still loves Arthur, but feels she can never actually admit to it; early on, because they were just stubborn- and later, because she feels too much has changed between them.
It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing [Note: There's a tiny edit to Shania's song, for the sake of my story*]
Hope life's been good to you
Since *I've been gone
I'm doin' fine now- I've finally moved on
It's not so bad- I'm not that sad
I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain- I'm free again
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath- to forget
Don't think I'm lyin' 'round, cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back- as a matter of fact
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath- to forget
It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back- as a matter fact
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath- to forget
Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe
Prologue - After the Nightmare Began
She didn't know when she started to feel so alone- perhaps deep down, she'd always been alone and had simply refused to admit it.
But when had they all started to drift away from her?
When was it that she'd stopped feeling that she could talk to Arthur, confide in Gwen? Why did she feel like she couldn't talk to the people she'd known- nearly all her life, like Gaius? Why did it seem that there was now a gulf between she and her friends? Why was she so alone?
Ironically, it seemed that Merlin had lasted the longest… it felt like only yesterday that she had helped he and Arthur destroy the monstrous creature that had been sent to poison the city's water supply.
But things had… changed, somehow- when, she wasn't certain- yet, at the same time, there had been a sad and wearying feeling of inevitability for the longest time, almost palpable in the back of her mind, from the day they had met- a pull she couldn't seem to resist, toward pain and tragedy…
What made her think that?
She shouldn't have any cause to feel tragic; she was still the Lady Morgana- the King's beloved Ward, still the most beautiful, popular and powerfully important woman in the realm – yet, those facts couldn't alter the knowledge that - somehow - the basics of her life, had fundamentally shifted- and in ways that Morgana couldn't fully understand, yet.
Morgana felt the change all the same, despite not being able to name or define it- perhaps that was why she was rebelling against all she'd known – change had been coming to their world, and she hadn't known how to answer it…