a-n: prompt requested by lurkingwhump, who asked for a post 4x17 fic where kurt takes jane home instead of the lab
Kurt woke to his heart racing, his chest thudding with each step he walked in his nightmare, wandering the woods looking for a missing friend, digging until he found Taylor? Or was that Jane? And who was alive? Who was dead?
Jane took his hand. "I'm right here."
"I need some water." He brushed his lips, his mouth feigning dryness from panting in his dreams.
She was off the den couch before he could move. "I've got it."
It had taken them forever to get home. By the time she had been evacuated from the woods and cleared to leave the hospital, there was a six hour drive ahead of them. He insisted on getting her straight home, so he drove through the night, sharing silence and stray touches, getting them back to the apartment by mid-morning. After showering together, Kurt left the bathroom to find Jane in a long sweatshirt turned nightgown, her arms wrapped around her, staring at the bed.
"Give me a second to put pants on, and I'll snuggle with you," he offered, resting his hand at the small of her back.
"I need to sit up," Jane admitted, her gaze shifting between the bed and the door, "I might just go to the den."
Kurt kissed the top of her head. "I'll come sit with you."
Even inside their apartment, neither wanted to be far from the other, lest they disappear. Jane waited quietly while Kurt pulled on pants and a t-shirt. Kurt grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed and they walked to the den together. "A little music okay?" he asked, and at her nod, he started soothing acoustic guitar to ease the silence of the apartment. An auditory reminder that they were home.
He folded himself into the corner of the small couch, then guided Jane to sit in front of him, resting against his chest. "You can't possibly be comfortable," Jane complained.
He kissed the top of her head and held her. "We'll be wherever you need to be."
Kurt hadn't been asleep an hour when he had woken with a start. The music had played itself out, silence greeting him again. "Did you sleep?" he asked, sipping the water she had brought him.
"I'm having a hard time getting settled," Jane admitted.
He reached for her. "Come back with me."
"Maybe the living room? I thought the darkness would help, but..." she trailed off, reciting the rest in her barreling train of thoughts.
He rose from the couch, taking her hand. "C'mon."
Kurt rested into the living room couch, grateful this time he'd have more room to stretch his legs. He fussed with the blanket, ensuring he covered every inch of her bare legs. Massaging the nape of her neck with his fingertips, it didn't take long for Jane's eyes to drift closed.
Jane's head moved against his chest, twitching with legs crawling across her. Squeezing every breath from her lungs, unsure if the next would make the queue. Praying to gods she didn't recognize that her husband would find her in time. Watching the dim light burn out. Folding in on herself. "Kurt," a soft moan, followed by her whole body straining behind the call of "Kurt!"
Kurt had been trying to ease her awake when her nightmare caught up with her. She woke herself, catching in the blanket and scrambling a few feet across the floor, her eyes wild and chest heaving to catch each breath. Her total sleep time? Half an hour.
He pressed his hand into the couch to get up and go to her when she held her open hand up at him. "I need a minute," she struggled to breathe.
Her arms hugging tightly beneath her breasts held her lungs from bursting through her chest. The waft of detergent from her sweatshirt replaced the smell of earth. When she eased one of her hand's grasp and inspected her fingers, she no longer saw dirt beneath them, Kurt having scrubbed them in the shower. Kurt...had found her.
Her breathing slowed, she shuffled to lean against the couch, pulling her sweatshirt over her knees in insulation. Kurt slid to sit next to her. "What can I do?"
She dropped her head to his shoulder. "I don't know. If I did, I'd tell you."
There weren't more words to share, no more energy for anything beyond leaning against each other and falling back to sleep, their eyes switching off like the flashlight that appeared on repeat in her mind.
The rain drenched him so, seeping through all the layers of his clothes, blending mud and blood deep into his skin. Every shovel cleared more room for liquid to backfill, a virulent tide rising. Shovel thudding with resistance, a body raised to the top. "Jane!" Was he too late again? There was blood everywhere, and why? Why?
Kurt shot awake, waking Jane in the process. His chest rapidly rising and falling, she turned to him, and he grabbed her hand, holding it against his chest while his breathing slowed. "I'm right here," she reminded him again.
He brought her hand up to his face, pressing slow kisses into her palm to calm himself. Fear pooled in his eyes, yet her presence helped him keep it at bay. When he was confident his voice was steady, he voiced, "I'm sorry I woke you."
She cradled his hand. "You're the one who always tells me you don't need to be sorry."
"I keep seeing you, and Taylor, and you…you get the idea." He cupped her cheek, taking comfort in her eyes looking back at him. The details could wait until they were both more stable.
She mistook him catching the dark circles under her eyes. "I look pretty rough."
He shook his head. "Never. You look alive."
She gave him a teasing nudge and went in for a soft kiss. He hugged her close, whispering "you're always beautiful," against her ear.
They sat quietly holding each other, willing themselves to sleep, yet it wouldn't come as easily. Her brain flew through options that would pull them apart, concocting wild schemes drawn from extensions of recent events. Looking at the currently most interesting spot on the floor, Jane shared the pervasive theme in her mind. "I'm afraid I'll die."
He sighed: this was what both of their nightmares were made of. "I'm afraid of that too."
With her eyes, she traced a circle around the spot she found. "Like luck will run out, you know?"
"I'm pretty damn lucky right now." He kissed her neck and gave her a big squeeze, trying to lighten the path. She held her hand up to her face, covering a huge yawn. "We've gotta sleep," he guided.
She agreed, though thought they needed some help. "I'll make us some tea."
She passed out in his chair in pure exhaustion while waiting for their tea to steep. Kurt laid a blanket over her and spread out on the couch again. They continued through the day, jolting awake and comforting each other, settling when they had calmed again. It was an exhausting process of trying, yet not getting very much rest.
When Kurt woke late in the evening, Jane wasn't in the room. He found the drapes to the balcony open, she cowering in the corner. "Jane?" he called softly from the door.
Her head stayed down, so he crouched next to her, finding her shaking and breathing shallowly. He was chilly just spending a few moments outside - how long had she been out there in her bare legs? "Baby, you must be freezing."
Yet she didn't move to get up, nor make any indication that she had heard him. He rested his hand on her knee, trying to let her know he was there. "Jane - I'm going to help you inside."
Still no response. He slowly slipped his arm under her knees and around her back, giving her a chance to decline if she wanted to move on her own. Yet she remained stiff and lost, so Kurt picked her up and carried her back into the apartment.
Man, she was cold. He set her on the living room couch and hurried to the bedroom to pull the comforter. He wrapped her up and warmed her rice pack, curling it around the back of her neck. He sat next to her, his hand on her foot, the little contact he allowed himself to let her know he was there. Something had shaken her and he needed to give her some breathing room.
As she thawed, tears melted down her cheeks, wetting the front of her sweatshirt. "You're safe. I'm right here," he shared.
He'd give anything to lessen her burden. Right now that meant being there, waiting it out. Offering soft murmurs of "I'm here" and "you're safe."
She gradually got warmer, coming out of her reptilian state. "I'm not so good," she admitted.
She retrieved the cooled rice pack from the back of her neck and gave it to Kurt to heat again. When he returned with it, she patted the couch behind her for him to join her. He held her against him, she hugging the rice pack to her chest, sapping all its warmth. "Can I get you anything else?"
"Please hold me."
"Always."
He ran his hand up and down her arm, warming and comforting at the same time. She gathered her voice from under all of the layers. "Can you take me to a therapist in the morning?"
"Yes."
She carried on a bit unsettled. "Someone I can talk to more regularly than Borden. Someone...compatible."
He squeezed her upper arm in support. "Okay. We'll figure it out."
Her voice was quiet as she shared, "It was something dumb, Kurt. It was cold while I...waited for you."
He wanted to refute that anything she may be feeling was dumb, yet he stayed quiet, merely holding her.
"The nightmares wouldn't stop. I went out thinking the air would bring some peace and fell apart." Her voice caught, and she took a deep breath.
Kurt ran the back of his fingers across her jaw. She collected his hand and hugged it to her chest, adding it to the rest of her stockpile of warmth.
"I'm so tired, Kurt." She was teetering on defeat, held back by the safety of his arms and promise to seek help.
He kissed the top of her head, again letting her know he was there. "I've got you. I know it's hard, but please try to sleep."
Jane drifted, Kurt waiting until she fell into soft, even breaths before he followed.
Kurt started the morning making another round of phone calls trying to find the right specialist who could meet with Jane on short notice. When Jane woke, they called the most promising candidate together, and after a brief conversation, Jane agreed to meet with the therapist that morning.
At Jane's request, they took the subway. "I want to make sure I can easily get there," she had explained.
Kurt accompanied her, ensuring she made the trip okay and waiting for her in the lobby. She reemerged looking exhausted, merely voicing, "Let's go home."
When they got back to the apartment, he asked, "Do you want me to fix you some lunch?"
She continued walking toward the bedroom. "We talked about getting some sleep. I'm going to try that."
"Can I give you a hug first?"
She paused and walked back to him. She hugged his middle, and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her temple. "It went okay - I just need some rest." He nodded, understanding she often needed space to decompress.
Jane headed for the bed she had avoided the previous day and sat down. Leaning against the headboard, her tears flooded the pillow she hugged, letting out the fears that had surfaced during the session.
When Kurt checked on her, she was wrapped up in all the blankets, her head propped up and nestled in the pillow. He knew a nightmare would likely wake her, yet for right now, she was sleeping peacefully.
Who was alive? Jane.