A/N: So I had a dream where dobby was trying to kill someone (no idea who) to pay off his gambling debts from betting on horse races. The dream also featured a microwave filled with metal objects. So I decided to try my hand at writing it up, and getting it to fit with the Potterverse. Pheonix Cycle Oneshot, Non-canon. First attempt at writing a crack fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, the patent for microwaves, or yelling "Curse you [insert target here]"
The Yule Ball had been going well. The wizarding band had come in, playing a rock number that got everyone excited, when there had been a loud scream. The band came to a halt, the crowd turned to see what had caused it.
Ludo Bagman was flailing about, desperately trying to get a pointy eared creature off his head. The creature bit at the hands swiping at his head, and then looked up at the crowd.
"Dobby will be taking Mr Badman, you'll not be getting him back."
And with a pop he and Bagman disappeared.
People had screamed, having no idea what was happening. Many muggleborns, who had never seen a house elf before, but were familiar with Lord of the Rings were convinced Gollum had appeared, and were accosting Dumbledore, shouting, among other things, "Gandalf, what do we do!?"
Kishan looked across the room, to where Harry and his date were standing, before glancing around the room, pinpointing Ron and Hermione. Without a moment's hesitation, they all headed for the main doors. Whatever the hell had gotten into Dobby, they were going to find out.
'P,
They walked through the doorway, into the kitchens, and narrowly avoided getting hit with a large bowl of Treacle Tart. As the dessert dripped off Hermione's shield, Harry let out an odd whine at seeing his favourite dessert go to waste.
"Who is following Dobby?" the rabid elf snarled aggressively.
"I am," Harry stepped forward, "Dobby what have you done?"
The elf looked down, seeming ashamed. "Dobby had to,"
"But why dobby, it's such a horrible thing, how could you?"
"Dobby must pay back Goblins, Or else goblins will come for Dobby!"
"The goblins made you do this?"
Dobby nodded
Harry stood up "The goblins will pay for making you destroy the treacle tart, for it is what will save us all, and now we have lost it."
With a sigh, Hermione pushed Harry out of the way. He looked about to argue, wishing to avenge the treacle tarts dobby had destroyed, but was distracted when a few other house elves placed a fresh platter of the dessert before him. He promptly began stuffing his face.
"Dobby, why did you kidnap Mr Bagman?" Hermione asked.
"Because the goblins said, if dobby wanted to settle his debt with the Goblins, Dobby would have to kill Mr Badman."
"Debt? Dobby why would you be in debt to the goblins?" Ron asked, confused at the thought.
"Because Dobby bet on the Pegasus races, and Dobby lost," the house elf began wailing, and Hermione was quick to comfort him.
"Don't worry Dobby, it'll be okay," she said, hugging him.
Dobby's face suddenly lit up with a feral grin, "Yes, it will all be okay because Dobby is going to kill Mr Badman," he turned and snapped his fingers, and a tablecloth was moved to reveal Bagman, tied to a chair. A microwave, filled with every metal plate, bowl, fork, spoon and knife Dobby could find, rested in his lap. Kishan was sure he could make out the sword of Gryffindor in there too.
Dobby snapped his fingers, and the three found themselves unable to get any closer to Bagman.
Dobby walked up to the microwave, and hit the on switch.
…
…
"Uh, was something supposed to happen?" Ron asked.
"Muggle devices don't work in Hogwarts, and anyway it's not plugged in." said Hermione
"Nooooooo!" Dobby yelled, his plan foiled, "Curse you muggle thing!"