"Funblade"
(Squall is pacing back and forth, moaning nervously. He stops and puts a hand to his head)
SQUALL: Oh God…what am I gonna do? I can't believe I agreed to go out with Rinoa! Oh… I'm so nervous…
(Cloud appears suddenly and without warning)
CLOUD: Hey, it'll be fine. I went out with Aeris at the Golden Saucer, and everything went great! Granted, she died shortly afterward, but I'm pretty sure the two events aren't related.
(Squall stares at Cloud with an extremely perplexed expression)
S: Who the hell are you?
C: I'm Cloud, the main character from the previous installment in this series.
(Squall stares at Cloud again, his expression growing even more confused)
S: …What?
(Cloud smiles and slowly nods for reasons unknown)
S: Are you high?
(Cloud ponders the question)
C: I'm really not sure, although it seems to be a distinct possibility.
(The two heroes stare at each other for an extremely awkward minute, then Cloud swiftly turns and begins walking away without any form of explanation)
S: (yelling) Hey, hold on a second! I have a question!
(Cloud turns)
C: Yes?
S: Should I get a new jacket? I tried to wash it a while ago, and it shrunk about six sizes.
(Cloud looks him over)
C: No, you'll be fine.
S: OK, thanks.
C: No problem. Now, I really must be going. I'm supposed to be in a coma right now. Do you know how to get to Mideel from here?
S: Where?
C: Never mind.
(Cloud leaves, Rinoa enters and passes him, then walks up to Squall)
RINOA: Who was that?
S: I have absolutely no idea.
R: Oh. You know, his sword seemed kinda… large. I wonder if he's compensating for something.
(Cloud coughs loudly from off-stage)
C: I can still hear you!
R: Omygod, I'm so sorry!
C: It's fine… I've heard it all before.
(Uncomfortable silence between Squall and Rinoa. Squall shifts his weight and fidgets many times)
R: So…what do you want to do?
S: I don't care.
(Rinoa sighs)
R: (Under her breath) I should've expected this…
S: What do you want to do?
(Rinoa thinks out loud for a while)
R: We could just walk, I guess… Or we could get a Chocobo…Um…Well, we could…Uh…No, that wouldn't be good at all…We cou-
S: (interrupting) We could play a game of cards.
(Rinoa's face glows)
R: Yeah, that sounds great!
S: Do you have a deck?
R: (in a mocking/ sarcastic tone) Do I have a deck? Ha!
S: (not catching the sarcasm) Yeah, that's what I asked.
(Rinoa stares at him blankly and sighs)
R: Yes. I have a deck.
S: Good.
(They sit at a table, facing each other. They remove a deck of cards from their pockets. Rinoa is near the crowd, while Squall is farther away. The audience cannot see his bottom half beneath the table. Rinoa looks at Squall's crotch and her eyes grow wide)
R: (jokingly) Wow! Is that a gunblade in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
(Squall fiddles around in his pants for a moment, then pulls out the Lionheart)
S: No, that's my gunblade. I have nowhere else to hold my equipment, so I keep it in my pants.
R: (surprised) Oh.
(They begin their card game. The first eight cards are played, but before the last card is set down, Rinoa glances at Squall's crotch again)
R: How about that one? Is that a gunblade in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
(Squall fishes around in his pants again, and removes the gunblade he originally has equipped)
S: No, that's…Oh, wow…That's my old gunblade! I've been looking for this for three months now! I can't believe I found it.
R: (confused beyond reason) How, exactly, do you lose a gunblade in your pants?
S: (confused as well) I'd been pondering that myself, actually…
(Rinoa places the final card)
R: I win!
(She takes one of Squall's cards)
S: Would you like to play again?
R: Sure, that was fun!
(They pick their cards again and begin a new game. Once 4 cards have been placed, Rinoa looks at Squall's crotch again)
R: (exasperated) OK, come on. That one can't be a gunblade, right?
(Squall digs in his pants, then gets a very confused look on his face and pulls out Seifer's gunblade)
S: Um…
R: Would you mind explaining how Seifer's gunblade ended up in your pants?
S: Well, I'm not really su-
(Dawning realization)
S: Oh…I remember now...
R: What? What happened?
S: Well, last night there was a big party for all the new SeeD members, and…well…Let's just say it involved a Chocobo, three bottles of Tequila, a tub of yogurt, and a Moogle.
R: …What?
S: It didn't take long for Cid and Quistis to show up, and I think there might have been a riot…
R: Squall, what's wrong with you? Don't you care about me at all?
S: Rinoa, you have to understand that there are more important things right now.
R: Like SeeD parties?
S: No, like the whole Edea situation. We don't have time to do anything for ourselves right now.
(Rinoa gets angry and stands up)
R: We never have time for us! You can't always be serious, dammit!
(Rinoa storms off. Squall sighs)
S: Women…
(Squall leaves. A few seconds later, Cloud comes back)
C: (to audience) Does anyone know how to get to Mideel from here?
(Cloud leaves in the direction the audience points)