My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 19 years old. I won The Hunger Games. I was the Mockingjay. Peeta is alive. Peeta loves me. Prim is dead. Coin is dead. Finnick is dead. Cinna is dead. My father is dead. Snow is dead. I should be dead.

I'm sitting fully clothed in the bathtub, in my old house in Victors Village. I rock back and forth with my knees pulled up to my chest, as I continue to try to sort out what is real and what is not, as I have every morning for the past two years.

Peeta was taken by the Capitol. They turned him against me. He still isn't better. He will never be better. The games are over. The nightmares aren't over. Gale is in District 2. Haymitch is in District 12. I am in District 12. Peeta is in District 12.

I suddenly stop when I hear a knock on the door.

"Open up sweetheart. We have to leave in 10 minutes. You can whisper to yourself on the train." Haymitch yells.

The train? Then I remember. All of the remaining victors are supposed to have a meeting to discuss the future of Panem's government. Under Paylor, things are apparently getting better. Then again, anything is better than Snow.

I climb out of the tub and brush my hair. If my prep team were here, they would have a heart attack just looking at me. My hair is frizzy, my nails unpainted, my eyebrows uneven. They all have some reality T.V. show in the Capitol now, where they take average looking people and make them over into beautiful people. I've never seen it.

I enter the kitchen to find Haymitch sitting at my the table with Peeta, who I haven't seen for two months. I know it's hard for him. He said he loves me, but he still gets really bad flashbacks that are usually triggered by me, so I've made a pact to try and keep my distance from him until he gets better.

Apparently Peeta made cheese buns. The ones I like. I grab one and devour it in 10 seconds.

"Did you eat last night Katniss?" Peeta says.

"No. I wasn't hungry" and before he can start to lecture me for not eating, Effie Trinket enters through the front door. She doesn't even bother to knock.

"Good morning, good morning! Everyone better be ready to go in three minutes, it's going to be a big big big day!"

She crosses the room over to where I'm sitting.

"How are you dear?" she says.

"I'm alright."

"Just alright?"

"Look Effie, I don't want to talk about it. Not here, not now." She nods and goes over to see Haymitch. She's batting her eyelashes and talking in an odd high pitched tone. Peeta and I lock eyes across the table. He smirks at them. "Young love" I mouth to him and get a smile in return.

Effie suddenly realizes that we're going to be late to the train station. She's yelling the schedule at us as we board the train car. She knows though that neither Haymitch nor I are listening.

When we get inside the train car, I go over and sit on a couch. Peeta comes over and sits with me. He takes my hand and places it between his. The first contact we've had in months.

"This is a train like the one we took to the Capitol when we were in the games. Real or not real?"

"Real." I tell him. As the train pulls out of the station, I remember the first time the four of us were all on this train together. I was 16, I had just volunteered for Prim, and Haymitch was very drunk. He threw up all over himself, and I decided not to trust Peeta. What a difference 3 years can make.

This time, Haymitch is not drunk, I do trust Peeta, and the games are over. I sometimes have to remind myself of that. The games are over.

"How long until we get there Effie?" Peeta asks.

"About a day. You two can keep yourselves busy doing whatever you wish, you both have certainly spent enough time on this train to know your way around."

"Do you want to go watch T.V. or something?" Peeta asks me. I nod and we walk through the train to the car in the very back, with the windows all over. I freeze.

"Are you okay?" he looks concerned.

"I think so. It's just last time we were on this train I was certain I wasn't going to be coming back alive. I knew I had to do everything I could to keep you safe. But I couldn't"

I can feel myself starting to get worked up. Why can I never just deal with my problems like a normal person.

"It's okay Katniss." Peeta says gently "It's really okay"

"No, it's not okay Peeta. It's not okay because I shouldn't have let them separate us, and I should have done something, I should have done something to stop it but I didn't. And I let them take you and make you into their monster, and I'm sorry Peeta. I miss the way you were. Where your eyes had a softness, and you smiled at everything, and I just-I just-"

By now I'm a mess of tears. I throw myself down onto one of the seats in the corner, put my face in my hands and sob.

I haven't even talked to Peeta much since he returned to 12. He has been back for 3 months and I think I've spoken to him twice. I realize that it's not the events in the games that I'm feeling guilty about. I realize that I miss him.

Peeta comes and sits next to me. He looks confused, like he doesn't know what to do.

"Katniss I-"

"It's fine. It's really fine Peeta I promise."

"Katniss, come here" He says, and he pulls me against him. "I miss you so much. You know that right?"

"I know that. I miss you too" I respond.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?"

"I'm not really hungry right now. I think I'd like to lay down for a little while."

"Okay" Peeta says as he follows me to the nearest bedroom.

I pull back the covers and climb underneath them.

Peeta says "I'm going out to sit with Effie and Haymitch. If you need me, call me."

He turns to walk away. But I don't want him to leave me again. Not after I have him back.

"Peeta!" I yell and he comes running back in "What's wrong?"

"Will you stay with me?"

He comes over and sits on the edge of the bed. Then, he climbs under the covers next to me. I roll over so his chest is pressed against my back. I'm starting to drift off when I hear him whisper something in my ear. "Always."