The Chicken Did It!
AN: Yeah it's been a while but I've had a hard time getting back into writing so I'm doing some shorts. Keep in mind these are self inserts but for the hilarity of it.
Also New World's New Missions New Troubles is officially on hold. It was a spur of the moment deal with a poorly conceived plot. I'm sorry, I just need to flesh it out more. I won't leave you hangin' though so I'll post a short chapter resolving it.
Warning: Includes warping of the laws of psychics.
Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware and EA Games…for now.
Chapter 1: In Deep With No Chips
My day had started out normal, get up late then watch Supernatural for a bit and play games during. Afterwards I'd let out the chicken. Normal. Then I had this feeling to go out, in my duster with my computer in a pack and just hold Shadow, I named a chicken shut up, for a bit. Really should have fought back the urge. Next thing I know there's a flash of light and I'm flying through a vortex of some kind. I thought two things right then and there. 1. Only thing missing was the Doctor Who theme. 2. Wherever I went, at least I was wearing my new duster. Gotta look cool.
"Lo' and behold there's a light at the end of the tunnel." I say to Shadow. Been flying for 5 minutes now, nothing else to do after the fear and stomach drop wore off. Does this mean I'm going crazy? …Nah. "Well let's see what's on the other side shall we?" Shadow glows, and now that I think about it the flash was her too, and we vanish again.
"Why does it have to be a bright flash of light?" I mutter. "What's wrong with a simple fade in/fade out?" Ah the blindness was clearing up. I looked around to get a sense of where I'd ended up, and I was starting to feel very confused. I could immediately tell I was in a room, but not like any room I'd ever seen. Or was it? Something was setting off mental bells but I couldn't place it. I looked to my left and saw a desk with…a holo-comp? I didn't know the actual name but I'd always called computers with a holographic interface by that name. Terminology aside I was stunned. I look up, and the glass divider was filled with models. Space ship models. Ones I recognized.
"Oooh, John…" Someone moaned.
I do an abrupt about face and see a sight that will forever be burned into my mind. For better or worse? Jury's still out.
"Oh shit…" I whisper upon seeing the Commander John Shepard and the Tali'Zorah vas Normandy (Or vas Neema?). In bed…naked…in the middle of some hot human-on-quarian action. I probably stood there for 30 seconds, completely unnoticed by the two…until Shadow decided to squawk, quite literally and blow our cover.
"Oh shit." I try to cover her beak but too late.
The two lovers halt their…activities and take notice of me. First thing out of them was a yelp of surprise. I took the moment to imprint Tali's face into my mind, since it was completely unlike the Bioware design, as I would probably never see it again.
Second thing was a yell of rage and indignation from Tali…as she pulled a shotgun out.
"OH SHIT!" I grab the first object I could, a stack of papers on the desk, and threw it at the enraged quarian then bolted out of there. It seemed to work since I wasn't filled with buckshot, or whatever, the minute I ran. Now I was faced with a bigger problem though.
I was at a dead end, and it was only a matter of time before either Tali or John came through the door behind me with a gun at the ready. I had to act fast. First thought was the elevator, which lasted all of 1 second. Then another thought, there had to be vent up here right? Maybe? I could hear scrambling and yelled threats through the wall so, vents it was! But first.
"Curse this elevator!" I yell. Then open the elevator and set it for Deck 4 for good measure. Then hopped over the rails and ran along the hull. "Vent vent vent vent vent." I chant. The door opens behind me and I hear guns cocking. Not good.
Thankfully there's a space behind the elevator and it seemed Fate didn't want my ass yet, since there was a vent, right in front of me! No screws to boot! "Thank god for convenience." I whisper. I quickly open the vent and go in first, without the pack and Shadow. Pack second, chicken last and close the vent. I went still and held Shadow's beak shut as I listened.
"Where is he John?" I hear Tali yell, and she sounded pissed.
"I don't know Tali. I think he took the elevator though." John said.
'Good, my ploy worked.' I thought.
"When I find that bosh'tet I'm going make him pay for that!" She growled. Ouch, I don't even wanna think about it.
I sat there, listening for a bit on their conversation. Plenty of it being threats to my life. Then they told EDI to put an APB out on me. Great. After that they went back inside to, presumably, rekindle the mood. I took that as my cue to leave. Keeping Shadow ahead of me I started crawling through the vents.
Garrus sipped his dextro coffee as he read the report EDI recently sent out and he was frankly baffled. A stowaway while they were in port was minimal at best but they'd been in deep space for days. How was it that a stowaway was here and just now getting noticed? Usually there'd be complaints about food missing from the rations first, and unexplained sounds coming from someplace but none of that had preceded the alert. Again, baffling.
A thump and crash from the Mess got the turian's attention. It was 'night' so to speak so no one should be up. Not even Gardner stayed up this late. Though Grunt had raided the fridge before. Probably him.
Another crash followed by a human swear. "Definitely not Grunt." He opened the door to take a peak. Someone was definitely there, and he didn't seem to be in uniform. Garrus drew his pistol just in case.
He slowly approached with the stealth skills he learned in C-Sec and his time on Omega. 3 meters away now and he almost had a clear look. All he could see was a brown coat of some kind…and a chicken on the counter.
"What?" He let slip.
The man jumped, grabbed the chicken and a handful of food, and ran. Garrus sprinted after him but as soon as he rounded the corner, he was gone. Just like that.
"What!" Garrus yelled.
"Garrus do you have to be so loud? A lady needs her beauty sleep you know." Kasumi joked from her open door.
"Sorry it's just…apparently the stowaway report wasn't so ridiculous after all." He said.
"A stowaway? Out here?" She asked.
"I just caught a glimpse of him, I think." Garrus replied. "Brown coat and…what are those pants called, jeans?" He ran over each detail in his mind as he told Kasumi. "And um…also a chicken."
"A chicken on the clothes?" Kasumi asked.
"No there was an actual chicken with him. Black and white. Clucked and everything." Garrus sighed. "Just, keep a lookout okay? I need to get back to work." Garrus took one step and heard something squish. Kasumi giggled.
"You should watch out yourself Gary." Kasumi left before Garrus could retort. He sighed and went to wash off the crap.
End of the first. Comments?