I HATE HIM! No, I love him. No, I hate him! I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM! Oh I don't know …

I can't trust myself anymore. I'm not sure of anything, I'm not sure of what I'm feeling, I can't pick up on things that may tell me what others are thinking. I used to be so good at it, but now I can barely tell what's real and what isn't. And this is all his fault.

My life was doomed from the moment I met Randal Keith Orton. He is the kiss of death! He is insufferable, insatiable, arrogant, self-obsessed, selfish, manipulative but at the same time he's sweet, charming, thoughtful, sympathetic, how can someone have so many contradicting characteristics? It confuses me.

I want him, and he knows it. Ever since I joined the WWE, me and Randy have has a 'thing'. I'm not entirely sure what that 'thing' is, but it's a thing of some sort. We've spent nearly every night on the road together, apart from the ones when his wife is on the road with him at which time he was playing happy families.

Do I sound bitter? That's because I am. I don't want to be, I don't want to care that he's married, I don't want to care that there's a woman out there that he'd do anything for and its not me … but I do.

Yeah, he's married. To a woman he's obviously crazy about. That's one of the things I'm confused about. He's obviously mad about her, 1) its obvious and 2) he's married to her so he must be. So what does he gain from me? Nothing that I can think of. I just don't understand. I mean, it first started when I started the WWE, before they were even married, then when he proposed to her, I assumed he'd break whatever we have off, but he didn't.

I feel so guilty. We shouldn't be doing this. He has a life with her. She loves him, he loves her. I have no business getting involved. It doesn't matter how I feel about him. He isn't mine, he's hers, he'll always be hers, I shouldn't be getting in the middle … but I can't stop. He's totally irresistible. What he wants, he gets. And who am I kidding? I want him just as much.

He's totally gorgeous. What woman wouldn't want a man like him? I guess that's part of the reason I haven't broken it off. That and because this has been happening for years, I've gotten used to it, its like a security blanket … only without the blanket.

I sighed and lay back in the bathtub. I was having one of my relaxing nights. Its very rare I get them, I'm either busy, travelling or Randy's with me. But, lucky(-ish) for me, his wife is on the road with him at the moment, so I get my alone time. Which I am extremely grateful for since I had an overly difficult match with Jillian. Me and Jillian always been friends, but in this business friendship doesn't stop you from having to fight each other. A lot of people underestimate her because of her lack of serious appearances on screen, but I knew better, she's a good wrestler when she gets going, and she proved that tonight while I was defending my title against her. While I won, she still put up an amazing fight, giving me a definite run for my money. As a result, I have an aching back, a throbbing head, a sore arm, a stinging ankle and a neck in absolute agony … sometimes I hate being a wrestler.

I closed my eyes and let the hot water sooth my muscles. It helped a little, but obviously it didn't perform miracles. I started singing along to the music playing through my headphones. Yes, I listen to my ipod in the bath. Like you don't!

"Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon, you come and go, you come and go -oh-oh oh!" I sang bopping my head around to the music. Yeah, I have Boy George on my Ipod, WHY NOT! My mom likes the song, and when its played enough, you tend to like it too. Plus, the 80's was a great era, I don't remember too much of it because I was just a kid, but I know I liked it.

I opened my eyes and screamed when I saw Randy leaning against the door frame of the bathroom with a smirk.

I took out my earphones and glared at him.

"didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on people?" I asked him putting my ipod on the side away from the bath. I could barely reach, but I managed.

"I didn't sneak, I walked up completely normally. It isn't my fault you had you eyes closed and your earphones in" he smirked. "which reminds me, Boy George?" he smirked.

"what are you doing here anyway?" I asked forgetting about his insult to the music on my Ipod. "isn't Amber here?"

"she left about half an hour ago. I just came from the airport"

"and you came straight here?" I asked leaning back in the bath.

"yeah. I've missed you" he replied with a small shrug, and a oh-so-gorgeous smirk.

"yeah, well I am very busy" I said putting my earphones back in my ears. He was about to say something but I turned up the music and began singing along loudly and obnoxiously.

Randy took my earphones out again. But this time he took my ipod and put it where I couldn't get it.

"you're too busy for me?" he pouted.

"Randy, I'm in agony!" I told him shocked that he didn't seem aware. Hello, I could barely walk!

"you know I can take care of that" he told me with a small smirk. "incredibly gifted hands" he smirked waving at me slightly. I knew what he meant, whenever I was in some sort of pain he insisted on the same thing, but I always refused.

"and you know that massages irritate me" I replied.

"yeah, I never understood how though. I mean I happen to have first hand knowledge that you know how to give someone a massage"

"I was raised by a beautician" I shrugged. "and I just don't like the feel of someone's hands kneading me skin … ooh no" I said scrunching up nose and shaking my head in disgust. Its true, massages really irrigated me, they sort of gave my skin the heebie-jeebies.

"come on Mickie" Randy said crouching behind the tub by my back and beginning to massage my shoulders.

"Randy …" I protested.

"just let me try" he insisted. I moved my shoulders slightly but he kept them still.

"ow …" I groaned. "ow …" I said in the same tone "o … wow"

I leant back and closed my eyes. This felt surprisingly relaxing. Whenever I'd gotten a massage from anyone else, even professionals, it always irritated me. Randy's right, he does have incredibly gifted hands, thought I'd never tell him that, I wouldn't want his ever expanding ego to get too big too quick.

I moaned when I felt him kiss my neck. See, like I said before, he always gets what he wants. I can be dead set against the idea, but he'll still have it his way within half an hour, though this time he seemed to work a lot faster.

I felt his arms dip into the bath water and wrap around me, pulling me out of the water and to his body, I suppose he didn't care about getting his clothes wet. He groaned against my ear.

"have I ever told you how sexy you are?"

"not recently" I replied.

He looked at me with a smirk.

"I haven't"

"no"

"well, I always always better at show than tell" he smirked kissing me again.

He carried me into the bedroom and lay me on the bed, hovering above me his lips moved to my neck.

"you know, I'm all naked, you're all clothed, how is this fair?" I asked undoing his shirt and sliding it off of his shoulders, before throwing it to the floor.

"it isn't, but as you know, fairness isn't exactly something I pride myself on" he smirked kissing me again.

"Still, I think you should be, in the interest …"

I was cut off by the sound of knocking at the door of my hotel room. I pushed Randy off of me, not caring that he fell off of the bed with a thump and sat up.

"who is it!" I called out.

"Its me, Dave!"

"one second!"

"what's Batista doing here?" Randy asked with a glare.

"he's my friend" I replied. "why? Jealous?" I teased.

"of that oaf?"

"don't call him an oaf and get in the bathroom" I told him, shooing him into the bathroom and shutting the door so that Dave wouldn't know he was there, remember, Randy's married. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me before rushing to the door.

I opened it and saw Dave there.

"sorry, I was in the bath" I explained letting him in. "for what do I owe this pleasure?" I asked.

"you left your phone at the arena" he told me handing me my cell phone.

"oh thanks, I didn't even realize" I smiled. I saw his face turn confused at something behind me.

"why is the shirt I saw Randy Orton wearing an hour ago beside your bed?" he asked me confused.

"it isn't" I said shaking my head. "its … erm …"

"its Randy Orton's"

"oh well, look at that the Animal has a brain" I looked and saw Randy walking out of the bathroom, still shirtless. It looked exactly how it was.

Dave looked at me with a mixture of shock and disappointment.

"well, I should get going" Randy said grabbing his shirt and putting it on "see you" he smirked at me and winked, "Batista" he glared at the man in front of me.

"Orton" Dave sneered.

Randy left the room, leaving a glaring Dave.

"he's married Mickie" Dave told me.

"I know" I said quietly.

"how long has this been going on?"

"since before he was married, since I came to the WWE"

"Mickie …"

"look I know what you're going to say, but I can't stop, I like him"

"he's married, granted he's married to a gold digging hoe, but he's still married"

"gold digging hoe?" I asked.

"yeah, its obvious she's with him because of his money and fame, its been that way since Evolution, and I don't even know why Randy's with her, he never really seemed to like her he more likes the way she looks" Dave shrugged "but he's still …"

"married, yeah I get it" I said rolling my eyes. "look, I know its wrong, okay." I told him "but I like Randy, and I know he's married but its not like I get much male attention, I'll take what I can get. Something I suppose you wouldn't understand, you have women lining up to be with you, I don't,"

"I just don't want him to make a fool out of you!" Dave said "I don't want you to be one of his whores!"

"what the hell do you mean by that!" I yelled.

"you think you're the only one he's seeing behind his wife's back!" he yelled back. "he's seeing his wife, you and Kelly!"

"he isn't seeing Kelly" I replied.

"really? So why is it he was all over her at the club last night?"

"his wife was around last night"

"no, his wife left yesterday afternoon, I saw him driving her to the airport" Dave replied.

The honesty on my best friends face made me want to cry. Was he really doing that? I suppose I can't say anything, since what he's doing with Kelly is exactly the same to what he's doing with me, and he always told me that what went on between me and him was just sex, he doesn't really like me, so why wouldn't he be with Kelly? Still, it doesn't stop it from hurting.

"look Micks, I'm sorry, I just don't want you to get hurt" he told me. "I'd better go" he said before leaving.

I slowly walked over and sat on the bed. I felt like an idiot. Who am I kidding? I am an idiot. I have now decided, whatever this thing is that I have with Randy, its over. I was stupid to think I was the only one who he spent time with when his wife isn't around, but now that I know I'm not, I can't continue with it. I suppose I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. This is how his wife would feel if she found out about me, I didn't realize how much I'd hurt, so that's another reason I can't do this anymore, I don't want anyone to be put through this.

My decision is final.