Behind the Mask
How time flies. In a few years, I feel as if I've experienced my entire life. But I know that I still have many more years to go. As a seishi, there is no doubt that my survival capacity will be longer than others. Even though my fellow seishi didn't make it.
I recall when I was with the other Suzaku seishi. Even though I was the oldest, they had no idea. I suppose it must have been the mask. The mask that covered whatever feelings I had. No one would know what I truly hid inside. I was too ashamed to tell them. I didn't know how they would react to me if I told them. Would they be angry and turn away? I was afraid. After all, they were used to my smiling mask and sunny personality. What would they do if they realized that one of their number was a murderer?
But I was used to wearing the mask, and the emotions, which came with it. I thought I could carry on the façade forever. How wrong I was. It was Miaka and Tamahome who saw my true face first. But I suppose it would have happened anyway. After all, I was Suzaku no Shichiseishi Chichiri, meant to guard the miko at all costs. At least it would mean that I could repent for my sins, no matter how little, by serving my seikun.
What saddens me most is that I was unable to save the other Suzaku seishi. What point is there in my living, if I could not even save those who I was, at the very least, meant to defend, my own fellow seishi? I lived in guilt for quite some time, unsure what to do. Then, I realized. If I could not bring them back to life, at the very least I should attempt to live life to the fullest, to enjoy what I still have. Only in that way would I be able to lay them down to rest, not just physically, but in my mind as well. It would be difficult to go on without doing that.
And there was still Tasuki. Even though he had returned to Mount Leikaku, and I had continued my wanderings, I think that he was still grateful when I occasionally visited him. After all, besides me, who else would understand all that he went through? It's nice knowing that he's still around. If I were alone, life would be unbearable. I'm very grateful to have Tasuki. Even though I don't meet him often, every visit to him is a joy to me. He is, after all, the only friend I have left.
Yet I believe that the only thing, which allows me to lie here in peace, on this grassy mountain slope, is the fact that my regrets and guilt have been washed away. Kouran and Hikou… my fiancée and my best friend. When I met with Hikou, I was ashamed and alarmed. At that moment, I believed that my sins had returned to haunt me. How could I ever face him and Kouran again?
In the end, the very people who I was unable to be honest with saved me. If they had not consoled me and advised me, I probably would have died. And when I had to confront Hikou, I was confident. Not because I believed I could defeat him, but because I was with my friends. Even if I had died saving him from eternal damnation, it would have been with no regrets.
I am now content with life, relaxed and unashamed of my past and myself; precisely what I set out to do, that day when I became a monk. My friends, my fellow seishi… they were the ones who were there to guide me, and help me, even as I helped them. I can do what Mitsukake asked me to do before now; my mask lies crumpled on the grass, and I can finally see with both eyes.
What my friends wanted.
I can finally live with what was behind the mask, na no da.