Disoriented.
That's how she felt most of the time, she felt like she didn't belong. But she's working on it; on this world. This strange world with their many rules and restrictions; that was the first thing she noticed. Their lack of freedom, even if they believe they have it; they will never genuinely have it. Adjusting to this was hard but familiar, adjusting was almost instinctual. It's all about instincts. Still it was difficult.
But she's working on it
Working really hard!
It's been a week since she started training with Scott and his friend Derek; they seem to have such good grasp on being werewolves. Human with a wolf inside. Or In her case a coyote inside, same diff really. The thing is she is not used to being human; she spent the last eight years with her animal self. The only self she knew, and will ever know probably.
Because she's working on it.
To get the hell out of it.
'That was….' Scott said smiling from ear to ear.
'What…?' I asked with a raised eyebrow. 'Are you going to finish that sentence?'
He chuckled lightly 'Yes yes. That was phenomenal; you're learning fast so fast I might not be able to keep up' He finished with what I can only assume a proud smile.
'Oh stop!' I smiled brightly back hitting him on the shoulder.
'No seriously I can't keep up. I need a break'
Was he walking away?
'Scott, wait where are you going?' I shouted walking after him.
'Home. Where I can get a much needed shower and a lot more needed sleep'
'But we're just getting started'
He turned his body around so fast I almost ran into him. 'Getting started! STARTED. Malia we've been at it for the past four hours'
'So?'
Was he going to punch me? It seems like he wants to.
He sighed loudly, turning around and walking away again.
'Look, wait by the den I'll call Derek for you. He's going to take over'
'Take over…I'm NOT a project you know?' I yelled after him.
'I know'
After another three hours with Derek I was showered and ready to sleep for a day or two.
'Malia, is that you?' my dad's voice rang up the stairs.
Shit. 'Yeah dad, sorry I forgot tell you I was home'
That's because you're not home.
I can hear him running up the stairs, he was panting by the time he came into my room.
'Oh thank god I was starting to worry'
'Why? I told you I was going to be late'
'Yes but why? I mean what do you do out there with those boys you barely know?'
'I told you they're tutoring me for school…and stuff'
'Oh and Boys had to be the tutors? He asked crossing his arms and staring at me expectantly.
'Uhm what's the difference?'
'The difference is that I don't trust them'
I sighed rolling my eyes as I got up and went to stand in front of him; putting my hands on his shoulders I tried conveying my point. 'Dad, don't worry. They're just helping me'
He smiled softly with tears in his eyes. 'Yes I know peach. But I just got you back and I never see you and all of sudden you have friends...'
'They're not my friends' I interrupted sharply.
'Oh I thought…'
'I mean they're just…just my tutors, I honestly don't think they see me as a friend'
Are we friends?
'Their loss' he said smiling at me.
'What a fatherly thing to say' I smiled back teasingly.
He laughed hugging me. I was still getting used to this; being hugged by my father, being in this house where I grew up with my parents and my sister. It's been too long. But I can still smell them everywhere in this house. My mother and my sister; in every room and every corner. It's like they were still here and in a way they are, because I know my dad never let go of them. He was still hanging on to every piece of clothing, every toy and every item they ever owned. And I can't take it, I Can't stand being here. It's like living your worst nightmare. It was hard in the woods but this is a new level of personal hell.
But I'm working on it.
'Okay dad, time to go to bed' I said pulling away laughingly.
'Okay peach, but I do think…I think we need to talk'
I frowned' About what?'
'Everything. Where you've been? What happened? Because I still don't know and that eichen house didn't help and well…'
'NO' I hissed sharply.
He was looking at me and that look was begging for answers. Every look he gives me is begging for answers, ever since I came back. He's waiting for answers.
NONONONONONO
I'm not ready!
'No, I'm tired'
'But Malia…'
'I SAID NO'
He inhaled sharply, staring at me wide eyed. And I can feel mine turning blue.
Shit
I sighed closing my eyes and taking deep breaths just like Scott taught me.
'I'm sorry, I'm just really tired and I have school tomorrow'
'Right right, another time'
More like never.
'Sure, goodnight dad'
'Not so fast peach, I got you something' He said smiling big and wide I couldn't help but smile back. 'Great and what might that be?'
'A cell phone' He went over to my disk and picked up a box that strangely enough I didn't notice was there. He held up the phone box thingy above his head waving it around like he was giving me the moon.
'Wow dad, you didn't have to' I said smiling trying to act excited.
'Of course I had to, how else would I check up on you?'
Oh joy….just what I needed.
'Thank you dad. It's wonderful' I said taking the phone box and hugging him tightly. 'You're the best, all the cool kids have them' I said teasingly.
'Oh shut up, you'll learn to enjoy it'
'I'm sure I will'
'But another time, you do like tired peach; I'll teach you all about it tomorrow' he said softly pulling away and walking to the door.
'Thanks dad, good night'
'Goodnight peach' he said closing the door behind him.
Once again I was alone. Finally. It's always hard being around him no matter how hard I try to ignore the guilt and pain. My father is a living constant reminder. Him hugging me, loving me, fathering me. I don't deserve it. I murdered my family. I MURDERED MY FAMILY. Keep saying it, don't ever forget it, you're a murderer. I watched the world the day they died, I watched the world through an animal form and it wasn't so bad. At the time it felt like it was my punishment for what happened; so I accepted it way too fast, I loved it and I was thankful for it. Days passed and every thing around me became me, and I became it. It was home and I was happy and free. I didn't deserve it. But I took it, and so I watched humans interact with each other. I watched society from my coyote point of view and it all seemed petty and boring. So, I lived in the woods and it was home, a beautiful carefree home. I didn't deserve it. But I also don't deserve this; this world with everything in it, pain and grief. I didn't my deserve my happy, free life as a coyote but; I'm taking it back. I'm not home yet.
But I'm working on it.