Okay. I am just trying this out. If it turns out I am not destined to right fan fiction, then I will return to my closet amongst my tower of notebooks and continue with my own characters. Of course I'll still be doing that, but you get my point.

So first fanfic! Beware! Unfortunately, there is no actual sex in this. I know, I know. You're heart broken.

Summary: Just a little Iruka magic. ^^

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. And you are so fucking lucky I don't. I can see it now. Lights, camera, action, SEX!

Why does it always rain after a particularly dreary mission? Is it just the luck of an under appreciated chunin? Or is it a sadistic weather deity determined to spread misery for it's own twisted pleasure?

A soaked Iruka pondered these questions as he ran through the abandoned streets of Konoha. He vaguely wondered if deities excepted offerings of ramen... Anyone with half a brain had taken shelter on such a cold afternoon, leaving only Iruka to stumble gracelessly as he avoided puddles in the cracked ground.

"How fitting...," he mumbled looking out over the roofs of shops, trying to see the house that he hoped would eventually save him from this freezing assault. Of course it would be him that would be sent to escort an annoying brat back to his people on the border of the Land of Fire. And of course that brat would whine and cry about his mistreatment. From the seat of his cushy carriage. Stuffing his face with food. All the way there.

"Just lucky I'm such a nice person...the little shit...," Iruka mumble to himself. The mission was going by smoothly until rival clan members had shown up to permanently dethrone the young heir. Iruka had fought them off easily enough. It hadn't shut up the wide-eyed boy, who was exuberantly putting together the story he would tell his father about the attack. But as long as he wasn't complaining, Iruka didn't care. He had grown tired and wanted nothing more but to finish this mission and return home.

Now that he was home, and low on chakra, he had to be careful to preserve what he had left as he made his way to the newly rebuilt Hokage residence. The once prestigious house had been destroyed during Pain's attack on Konoha a few months prior. Now rebuilt with an enormous amount of help on Yamato's part, the large red building holds much of its former glory. Iruka need only make it to the building, assure his superiors that he had succeeded in his mission to protect the young clan member, and he would be asleep in his bed before dark. Or maybe his couch. Come to think of it, the floor was never really that uncomfortable.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!," Iruka silently praised the sky. The rain still poured down icy and harsh, but he had just reached the entrance to the Hokage mansion. Ducking inside, he was met with a blast of warm air. "Yes! They got the heaters working!" The day was looking up. As Iruka passed a few of his fellow shinobi on his way up to report to the Hokage, he scolded himself for being so ungrateful.

The day could have gone so much worse! What if they had sent actual skilled bounty hunters for the boy? Honestly, did they just hire some thugs of the side of the road? He found his mood slightly lifted as he sloshed down the halls, earning angry glares from his dryer co-workers. He just smiled back at them.

"Misery loves company, right?," he chuckled to himself. Hey, if he had to drip and sneeze all the way home, they had to slip in it and fall on their asses. That's just the way the world turns.

He greeted the guards standing at the door to the Hokage's office with a wave and a tired smile.

"Hey Ko. What's up Izumo?"

Kotetsu regarded him with a barely suppressed laugh. Iruka was soaked from head to toe. His long brown hair, usually tied back into a messy pony tail, was falling about his face, sticking to his skin, and covering his eyes. His clothes had been torn and stretched. He had slashes up his arms and a small cut on his chin. He shivered violently. Kotetsu brushed the hair from Iruka's eyes and burst out laughing. He looked like a very angry, very wet cat. Or maybe a kid whose first fight hadn't gone the way he'd planned. Kotetsu wasn't sure. Izumo shot him a look that said something along the lines of shut the fuck up.Needless to say, Kotetsu promptly ignored the look and went on.

"You look like shit. Did that brat throw you to his minions?"

"No. We were ambushed," Iruka scowled at his friend, making the long, horizontal scar that lay across the bridge of his nose crinkle. At the word 'ambushed', Izumo stepped forward and elbowed Kotetsu out of his way. He took hold of Iruka's arm and did a once over. Satisfied that his cuts were not too deep and that his vital points hadn't been attacked, Izumo let go and took his place by the door again.

"You should let Shizune take a look at you when you give the Hokage your report," Izumo stated. He added a soft smile. Iruka was a friend of his, somewhat of a loner, but still a good friend. He just got a little reckless in some instances. His safety came only after his charge's safety. Which was a great trait in any man. Not so great in a shinobi. Yeah his cargo, this time being the boy, would be safe for the time being, but Iruka wouldn't be much help to the boy if he were passed out from loss of blood.

"If I ever get into see the Hokage!" Iruka pushed past Kotetsu as Izumo opened the door for him.

He entered the room and was met with a jungle made from stacks of paper most of which reaching four feet off the ground. The floor was covered in forms and documents that needed signing. Any form of organization had left this room hours ago, screaming for safety. Iruka peered around a wobbling stack and smiled at what he saw.

A very tired, very irritable Tsunade was sitting at her desk, slashing her pen angrily over a sheet of paper. Why was this slightly drunk, very angry woman such a wonderful sight? Because even a fuming Tsunade is welcome over any form of Danzo. Months had passed since Pain's invasion and Danzo's rise to power as Hokage. After all the dust had cleared at the Kage's Summit Meeting, word of Danzo's deceit had gotten back to the Land of Fire. Without going into detail, let's just say Danzo got what he was due. And just in time, too! The council was busy deciding over the next Hokage when it was yelled, no screamed, from the rooftops that Tsunade had woken from her coma. The council had been in a fierce debate over whether or not Naruto, the village's young demon vessel, was ready to lead. The general vote? Hell no. But they had rushed to Tsunade's side hoping like they had never hoped before that she would be able to lead them once again. And now here she was. Buried in the paperwork born from months of renovations and general financial dilemmas. And no one could be happier.

"Shizune! Where is Iruka! How long does it take to.. Oh. Never mind!!"

"Afternoon, Hokage-sama," Iruka gave a curt bow and looked up. He made his way around the stacks of papers and to the front of her desk.

"Well?" she started, "You're alive. He didn't eat you," she added this with a smile.

Iruka chuckled. He looked over her lightly wrinkled face. She was already working hard to restore her transformation technique. She was already so beautiful. Her hair had returned to a soft blonde and her face only held the softest wrinkles. He smiled back at her.

"I brought Takeshi back to his clan safely. We ran into some obstacles, but nothing I couldn't handle," at a raise of Tsunade's eyebrows Iruka continued, " It would seem the Akano clan did in fact send out men to stop us before we reached the border. It was somewhat well planned, although executed horribly. There were four in the trees and one in front of us in the road. The one in front acted as a distraction so the four others could surround us. They didn't even bother to mask their chakra and their man acting as the distraction wouldn't have fooled an academy student."

Iruka was grinning by now, remembering Takeshi and his driver's astounded looks as Iruka jumped out the back of the carriage just in time to deflect a few well aimed kunai and land a solid kick in the abdomen of one helluva big guy. Truth be told, it was obvious these men were poorly trained and, yes, it didn't take much to defeat them and Iruka told her this, but... It had been awhile since he had gotten that kind of satisfaction from a mission. Just to see the grateful faces of Takeshi and his driver had brought him back to earlier days... But that was nothing to think about now of course. Those days were done and this was now.

"You look old," Tsunade said from behind tired eyes. Iruka looked up abruptly. He blushed, embarrassed for zoning out in the Hokage's presence. She smiled a kind of smile no one really saw on her, especially these days. "Keep it up and you'll end up looking like me sooner than you think," she said half jokingly before she laughed a bitter laugh.

"You're still the most beautiful kunoichi. Er...I m-mean that...well uh..." Iruka trailed off and blushed crimson. He looked away and mumbled an apology. Risking a glance at Tsunade, the strongest and quite possibly most dangerous kunoichi in the Land of Fire, he saw that she was smiling.

"Always the charmer, Iruka-sensei," she whispered, "Well you need to report to the medic-nins before you head home. And I expect you to fill out an official report on this mission. We need to find out where the Akano clan are getting their makeshift bounty hunters from. You said they had no forehead protectors, right? Right, so they may not even be shinobi... Those bastards better not be hiring villagers or I swear..."

"Tsunade-sama?"

"What is it, Shizune?"

"Kakashi-san is here. Should I have him wait?" Shizune came halfway through the door and stopped to smile a refreshing and genuinely happy smile at Iruka. He smiled back and turned to nod at Tsunade, signaling his leave.

"No no that's fine. We're done here," Tsunade said as she waved Iruka off. "Send him in now. Oh and Umino-san," she started with a smile and a lift in her voice Iruka couldn't quite place. "Do get a good night's sleep. I have another mission for you in the morning."

"Can't you just tell me what it is now?" Iruka tried hard not to whine.

"No. I wouldn't want to ruin your evening," Tsunade grinned. Was it possible for such a beautiful face to hold such...sadistic joy?

Resisting the urge to groan and roll his eyes, Iruka turned back towards the door. Shizune offered him a sympathetic attempt at a smile and Iruka sighed. The look on her face clearly said you should have known better.

Okay, okay, it hadn't been the smartest or most productive use of his time, but damn...was that the funniest moment of his life. Okay, not the funniest but it was in the top ten. And hey, everyone needed a good laugh! And, maaaan, did they laugh.

So about a week ago, Iruka had been minding his own business, just going over his latest mission report, when low and behold a particular jonin stepped into view. And Iruka didn't know what came over him. It was only one of the most boring days and everyone else was so busy. And he never really did get Kakashi back for practically insulting him a couple years earlier at the chunin exams. And the villagers really should not have left those paint cans there. And really! The guy needed to start turning his reports in on time! And lastly, he really shouldn't have set that book down.

Knowing there was only a slim chance that he wouldn't be caught and probably killed by a very angry jonin, Iruka set to work. Years of being Konoha's best prankster had had a great effect on Iruka. He placed his trip wires with ease. He masked his chakra perfectly. Everything went amazingly. Now, in any other retelling, Iruka would fail and end up underneath a particularly smoldering Kakashi. Not like that you sickos. But not in this tale. In this tale, as an oblivious Kakashi reached down to pick up his abandoned 'romance novel', a very calm Iruka continued on with his report merely twenty, maybe twenty-five feet away. And then life itself had an orgasm.

Trip wires made from strands of chakra were triggered and before this elite jonin could figure out that his feet were stuck to the ground by use of chakra enhanced classroom glue, he had been hammered with enough paint to makeover the Hokage monument. The glue, hardening rapidly, had Kakashi stuck in a vice like hold. Iruka used this moment to slip into the gathering crowd as shinobi and villagers alike gathered at the scene, not even trying to suppress their mirth.

Of course Iruka had felt a little guilt watching as Kakashi teleported out of the area with a poof! after looking around wildly. It was obvious that had he not been drenched in paint, he might have tried to seek out his tormentor. Lucky for Iruka, even Kakashi knew embarrassment.

Once the Hokage had found out, she had used it as an excuse to keep Iruka on his toes. Now, after a week, it seemed she could no longer contain herself. Back to the present, Tsunade was smiling at Iruka evilly. Damn, how did she do that?! Evil and beautiful. What a horrible combination!

"Send him in Shizune!"

"Right away."

"Oh shit..."Yeah. Its true. His once silver hair did indeed still have a pinkish hue to it. Iruka readied himself for the worst as he walked passed Kakashi. He was met with a feeling of disappointment. Then elation. "She didn't tell him!" His temporary joy was crushed as soon as he reached the door.

"Oi. Iruka-sensei. Forget something?" Kakashi's melodic voice held a strange, unplaced undertone.

Iruka half turned to look back at the jonin and then froze. Iruka hadn't forgotten anything, but he got the point. In his hand, Kakashi held an ordinary bottle of classroom glue. His gaze never left Iruka's face. His single eye portrayed no emotion. Honestly, he looked kind of dead. The grin on Tsunade's face looked as if it would split her face right down the middle and her eyes held so much light. Iruka couldn't help himself.

Something rushed up through every vein and every artery. An energy he couldn't describe lifted him up and away from what little sanity he had left. He smiled sweetly. Almost sickly.

"Ah Kakashi-sensei don't worry 'bout it. You can keep that. Next time I'll bring ropes." He grinned and winked before turning and walking out the door. Then he stopped and called back over his shoulder, "Or would you prefer chains?"

He hurried his pace as he heard something distinctly similar to a glue bottle hit the floor. Out the building and into the sunlight and he could still hear Tsunade, Izumo, and a hysteric Kotetsu laughing and howling with delight. His grin and sense of victory ran with him as he jumped across rooftops and made his way home. The sun was on his back and it warmed him and lifted him even higher, if that was possible. All his fatigue was gone. He now knew that the weather deity presiding over Konoha preferred offerings of sadistic delight.

"Well fine. I can handle that." He thought with a chuckle. Anything Tsunade threw at him tomorrow would be taken gracefully. Really, what could bring him down now?

Whatsamatter? You don like it? Guess what? I don't give a fuck. BWAHAHAHA! This is my first fan fiction. Not the first ever published. First ever written. It was not made to be perfect. I thought I did pretty well. I never mentioned rape, fucking, molestation, oh I did mention orgasms. But y'gotta gimme credit. Anyway. I'm not usually so abrupt, but I think I'm on cloud nine. I was gonna add multiple chapters, but it occurred to me this could be a one-shot. Thoughts? Review if you liked it. Not if you like me. The story. OK? Was it kinda long for a single chapter? Nah, I don't think so. Or maybe short? I'd like some helpful feedback. Oh and if you want smut, ask for more chapters.

With all the smut in the world~

~Monster