NEW A/N: This is specifically for InvisibleGirl (sorry if I don't get all the capitals and lower case letters right, LOL) and anyone else who jumpstarted the AI fandom.
I'm sorry for stealing your gags without asking, but it wasn't intentional or malicious. I know how it feels to think you're being plagiarized, and it sucks worse than almost anything else I've ever been through.
I'm also sorry if this seems politically incorrect to anyone. It wasn't supposed to. I am COMPLETELY liberal and don't like to make a mockery out of sexuality or anything of the sort. If I offended you, especially you, InvisibleGirl, I am SO SORRY. I would give you a cookie if I could, but this is a virtual reality. Sadly, cookies aren't possible. :(
Thank you, InvisibleGirl and the other original AI writers for telling us newbies that we're not in our right minds and for giving us gags so epic that we just want to claim them. :) I feel so guilty right now!
JOHNNY: Jimmy, I love you!
JIMMY: That's interesting.
JOHNNY: No, I mean I really, really love you.
JIMMY: Hmm. Did you remember to take a shower?
JOHNNY: You told me to, so I did. But that's not the point!
JIMMY: Then what is the point?
JOHNNY: The point is that I love you, on so many bromantic levels, and I want you to tell me you love me, too!
JIMMY: You do realize that what you just said makes no sense, correct?
JOHNNY: No, why didn't it make sense?
JIMMY: You just proclaimed your love to yourself, and you want yourself to say it back.
JOHNNY: I don't see any problem with that whatsoever.
JIMMY: *sighs irritably* Fine. I love you, too, Johnny.
JOHNNY: *glomps JIMMY* YAY! YOU FINALLY SAID IT BACK!
JIMMY: Yes, yes, I did.
JOHNNY: Did you mean it?
JIMMY: Is it not enough that I said it?
JOHNNY: I guess it is enough! *whips out phone*
JIMMY: Are you going to take a picture of this embarrassing moment and send it to everyone?
JOHNNY: *giggles as he scans his contacts* Nope, better!
JIMMY: What are you doing?
JOHNNY: *holds up index finger* I told him! Uh-huh! Isn't it? You will? I didn't even have to ask!
JIMMY: What the fuck did you just do?
JOHNNY: *in singsong voice* You'll see!
*Knock on door*
JIMMY: You didn't.
JOHNNY: I did!
*opens door and lets TUNNY and WILL inside*
WILL: Jimmy, you deserve a cupcake for finally admitting your love for Johnny.
JIMMY: I deserve a cupcake laced with pot, that's what I deserve.
JOHNNY: I'm not even wimpy enough to do that.
JIMMY: Whatever, I'll make one myself to forget this moment.
JOHNNY: But Jimmy! Why would you EVER want to forget this? My life is so much better now! I finally have the personal experience needed to fulfill my dream!
TUNNY: You mean you still haven't given up on the dream?
JOHNNY: I still haven't given up on the dream.
WILL: But we told you. It's unrealistic!
JOHNNY: It isn't anymore!
JIMMY: Excuse me, does anyone want to tell me what the fuck this dream is?
TUNNY: Well, you see, once when Johnny was drunk and watching Brokeback Mountain…
JOHNNY: IT WAS SO GOOD!
TUNNY: … He decided he wanted to grow up and write bromance novels.
JIMMY: Bromance novels? As in, stories about two questionably heterosexual men who go out and show the romantic sides of themselves that their women wish they would show to them?
JOHNNY: Obviously! I started a draft of my first idea, "Pink Lemonade Kisses", just a minute after I had the epiphany. Unfortunately, I barfed all over it and can't remember anything it was about.
JIMMY: The words "Pink Lemonade Kisses" actually came out of your mouth consecutively like that?
JOHNNY: It was my greatest moment of genius.
TUNNY: So he thinks. Johnny, I can't believe you're still on this.
JOHNNY: I'm never going off it. Bromance is life. And don't judge me, you hypocrite.
TUNNY: How am I a hypocrite?
JOHNNY: Oh, like you're going to pretend that you and Will don't run off on a bromantic date every week.
WILL: Excuse me, Johnnifer?
JOHNNY: I've been onto you since I developed a sixth sense- the sense of bromance.
TUNNY: You don't have any proof of that.
JOHNNY: Oh, yes I do.
JIMMY: Oh, yes he does.
WILL: What's your proof?
JOHNNY: Last Saturday, when you and Will went on a movie date that we're all going to pretend wasn't creepy; did you notice an inconspicuous looking man in a trench coat with a camera?
TUNNY: Uh, Johnny, I'm pretty sure you meant conspicuous.
JOHNNY: Whatever, I wanted it to be conspicuous.
WILL: What's your point? Was it you?
JOHNNY: Nope. It was Whatsername.
TUNNY: WHAT?
JOHNNY: That's right, broskis.
TUNNY: You invaded our privacy?
JIMMY: You know, asswipe, that can't be considered privacy if you went to a public movie theater.
TUNNY: Shut the hell up, Jimmy.
JIMMY: No.
WILL: So, does Whatsername have a tape of what may or may not be Tunny and me on a bromantic date?
JOHNNY: You know it. Whatsername! Bring in the blackmail!
*WHATSERNAME enters.*
WHATSERNAME: Tunny, Will, you guys need help.
WILL: What, and Johnny and Jimmy don't? Aren't you a little more concerned that your boyfriend is having a bromantic affair with himself?
WHATSERNAME: When you put it that way, it just seems abnormal.
JIMMY: Shut up and roll the tape.
WHATSERNAME: Fine!
*rolls tape*
*on the tape*
WILL: Oh, Tunny, I just love our bromantic dates without Johnny.
*off the tape*
JOHNNY: That's not even fair!
JIMMY: SHHHH!
*back on the tape*
TUNNY: If he ever found out about this, he'd kill us.
WILL: Maybe he wouldn't. He's probably on a bromantic date with Jimmy right now. Except I hope he's not.
TUNNY: Why?
WILL: Because bromance should be our thing, Tun-Tun!
TUNNY: Hey, I guess you're right. It wouldn't be the same if while we were questionably splitting a hot fudge sundae, Johnny was sharing a glass of pink lemonade with Jimmy.
WILL: But doesn't Johnny kind of have no choice but to share everything with Jimmy?
*They ponder the philosophy of this.*
TUNNY: That's a good point.
*in theater*
WILL: Tunny, do you know what my favorite color is?
TUNNY: Blue?
WILL: You.
AUTHOR OF THIS SCRIPT: True dat!
TUNNY: Will, only on one of our bromantic evenings would I not shoot you for saying that.
WILL: But since it is one of our bromantic evenings…
TUNNY: You're my own… personal brand…
*off the tape*
JOHNNY: Oh, if you say that, it will be a low blow to the goodness of Harry Potter and to me! We don't make addiction jokes!
*on the tape*
TUNNY: … of whipped cream.
*off the tape*
JOHNNY: Oh. Okay. *thinks for a bit* EWWWW!
*on the tape*
WILL: You say the cutest things! No wonder Extraordinary Girl stays with you!
TUNNY: That and she doesn't know that I go on weekly dates with you.
WILL: Ours is a forbidden love! Just so you know, I haven't told the Couch of Angst about my love for you.
TUNNY: Do you think the Couch of Angst really cares that much?
WILL: Yes.
*tape ends*
JIMMY: Well, I can't say I'm begging for the sequel.
*EXTRAORDINARY GIRL appears out of nowhere.*
EG: Tunny! You told me you were grocery shopping! How the fuck did I possibly believe that a man was grocery shopping as a kindness to his girlfriend on a Saturday night?
TUNNY: Would it make you feel better if I sang to you?
EG: No! Because you'd be thinking about Will the entire time!
TUNNY: *blushes* Yeah, that's probably true.
EG: How would you feel if Whatsername and I started going on dates like you and Will and Jimmy and Johnny do?
JOHNNY: Uh, do you really want him to answer that question?
WHATSERNAME: Shut up!
EG: Ugh! Last Friday night, when you said you were covering some guy's shift at Target, you were out with Will, weren't you?
WHATSERNAME: He was!
JIMMY: Of course. Obviously, Tunny doesn't even work at Target.
TUNNY: How do you know that?
JOHNNY: I'm pretty sure we all share a mind somehow, in some respects.
TUNNY: Stalkers. Except you, Will.
WILL: You're so considerate!
TUNNY: I'm a gallant gentleman. We should go celebrate by sharing an obnoxiously large hot chocolate.
WILL: That's the most romantic winter beverage of all time!
*They start to hold hands and skip off into the sunset (which is odd, because it's the afternoon), but EG throws herself in between them.*
EG: Okay, this is unacceptable.
JIMMY: What, are you homophobic? If so, I will condemn you to a slow and painful death.
EG: No, I'm not homophobic. I am, however, afraid of excessive bromance. And this looks to be excessive bromance.
JOHNNY: This is nothing. *snorts*
WHATSERNAME: Would you care to elaborate?
JOHNNY: *looks out the window* Oh, look, a purple butterfly! I'm gonna name it Justin Bieber!
WHATSERNAME: CARE TO ELABORATE?
JOHNNY: Okay, okay! Jimmy and I are much more intense in our bromantic love than Tunny and Will.
JIMMY: That's only because he's entirely in charge of the bromance thing.
WHATSERNAME: What do you two do?
JOHNNY: Well, there was last night…
WILL: This is going to get really dirty, really fast.
JOHNNY: No, it's not! Last night, while you were asleep, Whatsername, Jimmy and I got bored.
WILL: It's exactly as I said- really dirty, really fast.
JIMMY: Will you shut the hell up and let him finish?
WILL: That sounds reasonable. C'mon, Tunny, let's go get that hot chocolate.
EG: SIDDOWN!
*They sit down.*
JOHNNY: Anyway, Jimmy and I were bored, so we decided to put in a movie. And since he was feeling gracious-
THEO (from the window): He's a saint!
JOHNNY: -he let me pick the movie. And what else did I pick but the greatest love story of all time?
WHATSERNAME: You watched Baz Luhrman's Romeo + Juliet?
JIMMY: No, but you're very close.
JOHNNY: We watched Titanic!
TUNNY: *grabs WILL by the shoulders and sings* "Near, far, whereeeeever we are!"
WILL: They stole our song!
EG: I should have known that your song would be something as poignantly awful as "My Heart Will Go On".
TUNNY: Do you know why that's our song?
EG: I have a theory.
TUNNY: Because Will's name is in the title- and it's a love song!
EG: And my theory was correct.
JOHNNY: Will, Tunny, I'm sorry. Jimmy and I didn't mean to steal your song. But, anyway, it was so bromantic! We sat there on the edge of our seats the entire time, even though we knew what was going to happen! I'm always so moved by that movie- you don't even know. Leonardo DiCaprio is the greatest actor in the history of forever.
WHATSERNAME: So, you're in love with Harry Potter, Justin Bieber, and Leonardo DiCaprio?
JOHNNY: Yeah, pretty much.
TUNNY: This is all due to the fact that we spent so much time at 7-Eleven. He read all the teenage girl magazines at least twenty times.
WILL: We did, too.
TUNNY: Thanks, Will, now EG is going to kick my ass.
EG: *laughs ass off* Actually, I'm too busy having fun with this image of you drooling over Zac Efron to kick your ass right now.
TUNNY: He's a charismatic humanitarian!
WHATSERNAME: Okay, so you're in bromantic relationships. I guess that can be cool every now and then. But the obsession is going to get you nowhere, and you'll end up with nothing but your bromantic relationships.
EG: Yeah, and you'll have to explain to every confused onlooker, "This isn't what it looks like!"
WHATSERNAME and EG: And none of you do well in awkward situations!
WILL: I'm excellent in awkward situations.
JIMMY: You fainted when you saw Harry Potter.
WILL: You're friends with Auntie Muriel.
JOHNNY: Okay, this is my verdict. Whatsername, EG, we love you, but we're not going to listen to you.
TUNNY: Yeah! Wait, we're not?
JOHNNY: No! We're going to embrace the power of bromance and indulge in it whenever we want! Right now, I propose we write a song based on the beauty of bromance.
TUNNY: And do you expect us to sing this song in front of everyone?
JIMMY: If you have a problem with that, you need to take a good, long look at your life.
TUNNY: That's different. I don't sing songs about bromance. I sing romantic songs to Will, but that's different than bromance.
WHATSERNAME: In what way is that any different? You'd think that would be more awkward.
WILL: When you have a connection with someone like the one Tunny and I have, all the awkwardness just *poof* disappears.
EG: Awkward or not, all of you are going to sing. It'll be your punishment for being obsessively in love with one another.
WILL: You can't regret falling in love, EG!
TUNNY: Normally, I would agree with you, dear Will. But EG looks like she wants to chop off my other leg.
JOHNNY: Hey, you'd still have one left.
TUNNY: But she'd dump my ass, so I wouldn't even have any real use for it.
WHATSERNAME: How old are you, anyway? Six?
JOHNNY: Yes.
WHATSERNAME: *ignores JOHNNY* EG, let us conspire and tell them what song they're going to sing.
JIMMY: Why do you get to pick?
EG: We've been wronged. It's called justice.
*EG and WHATSERNAME conspire.*
EG: But Johnny's a thirteen-year-old girl. He's going to love that.
WHATSERNAME: True, but Jimmy is pretty much a cranky, eighty-seven-year-old man. And we all know what Jimmy says trumps what Johnny thinks.
JOHNNY: That is not true!
*JIMMY slaps JOHNNY, which looks very weird and would confuse anyone who didn't get it.*
JOHNNY: What was that for?
JIMMY: For being an idiot!
JOHNNY: Okay.
EG: Alright, Whatsername, are you ready?
WILL: You already have the lyrics?
WHATSERNAME: Well, yeah. It's not exactly a complex song.
EG: And it's only two lines. Those were the only two lines of the original song that we knew.
TUNNY: That's it? Then how bad could it be?
EG: Bad.
EG and WHATSERNAME: *sing* It's Tuesday, Tuesday, gotta get gay on Tuesday! Dicks are in the front seat, dicks are in the backseat!
WILL: There's no way I'm singing that song.
TUNNY: The pain does not weigh out the pride.
JIMMY: I know how to kill people.
JOHNNY: I love it!
JIMMY: Remember, I know how to kill people…
JOHNNY: Oh, come on, Jimmy! You love it, too.
WHATSERNAME: Whether he loves it or not doesn't matter. You all have to sing it right now in front of everyone.
TUNNY: I don't have to sing.
EG: *sings* Tunny can't sing!
EVERYONE ELSE: Tunny can't sing, Tunny cannot sing!
TUNNY: Yes, I can sing!
EVERYONE ELSE: He only has one leg, and he cannot sing, even if he's reading a how-to-sing book…
TUNNY: I'm Tunny freaking…
EVERYONE ELSE: Tunny can't sing…
TUNNY: Alright, guys, guys! Remember that song EG and Whatsername want use to sing? Let's sing it!
*They do.*
WHATSERNAME: Ha, you bastards! That was priceless!
EG: During the second line, I thought Johnny was going to cry!
JOHNNY: Contrary to popular belief, I feel uncomfortable around graphic images.
WILL: That's the excuse he gave in Algebra during the slope unit.
JOHNNY: Hey, they totally bought it.
JIMMY: I am so offended right now.
EG: Kind of the point, Jimmy…
JIMMY: Bitch! What have I told you about complicating things?
EG: Nothing that hasn't gone in one ear and out the other!
TUNNY: Uh, guys? I noticed a problem with this song "Tuesday".
WILL: But it's our new anthem! It has to be flawless!
TUNNY: Be that as it may, darling, we sang a song about Tuesday when it's Monday.
JOHNNY: OH NO! The whole song is RUINED!
EG: No, it's not.
WILL: You mean, there's still hope?
WHATSERNAME: Well, obviously.
JIMMY: They're right. The beauty, or hideousness, it could really go either way, of this song is that you can replace it with any day of the week. And it still fucking rhymes.
JOHNNY: Rebecca Black is a genius!
WILL: That she is! I suggest we all go on a double date to 7-Eleven and annoy the shit out of the people in the parking lot because of how bromantic we are!
*JIMMY and JOHNNY hold hands, followed by WILL and TUNNY holding hands, and they skip off into the metaphorical sunset.*
EG: They didn't even bother to learn their lesson, did they?
WHATSERNAME: I guess there's no stopping bad bromance.
EG: Wanna go hide Titanic from Jimmy and Johnny?
WHATSERNAME: Only if you want to destroy the romantic mix tape Tunny made for Will.
Fini
A/N: I have some serious rambling issues. It's a problem. I'm being treated- I promise. Ha. Anyway, this was all inspired by my friends. They actually wrote that "Tuesday" song, and this is the kind of stuff they say to each other. It probably wasn't as, err, interesting as my first. But I still tried. So, what did we think? Shall I give up? Or shall I prevail?
Also, I'm very sad I didn't get this up on February 5.