Solitude

I read somewhere that to say goodbye is to die a little.

And instead of joking or saying something philosophical I'm going to do the one thing I swore unconsciously never to do. I'm going to tell you how I feel.

I miss you. Every day I go to work and expect you to pull your car in next to mine. We'll talk as we walk inside like old friends, which I what I think we were. Then we'll get to the door and you'll smile at me and when the doors open you'll be the same old Major again.

But there's never a car beside mine, and it's been almost two years since I heard your voice.

My hair is shorter now. Do you look any different? I can't imagine you looking any different than when I broke through the rubble where you were trapped with Kuze. That was the one time I had no idea what you were thinking, but damn you were beautiful. And not in the factory-built shell kind of way. It was like looking past the shell at all the custom parts underneath and seeing through the metal of your generic-looking brain to find the place where your ghost was. I almost dropped my cross of steel to hold you, then. I wanted the whole world to stop turning so I could kiss you and tell you that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't.

And then Kuze died.

I wish I would have seen it before. So here it is, Motoko; I'm using your name, your real name, Kusanagi Motoko. I have to use it. If I didn't I couldn't ask you. . . I couldn't look you in the eye and ask, Major, did you love him? Because you're human, Motoko, and when I meet you again I'll remind you. Then I'll ask you. And if you say yes, then I'll call you Major until I die and I'll always take care of you but I'll never touch you. And if you say no. . . Then you'll be Motoko, because it's your humanity I love.

I miss you now more than ever. You'd tell me to stop moping around, just like I used to tell you. Remember? Remember when you found me after my fight with Kuze? Sometimes my new shoulder still feels stiff, like I still have that pole there. Or maybe I'm feeling the ghost of a hug you never gave.

At least, I'd like to think you were going to give it when you reached for me just before you pulled the pole out of my shoulder. But maybe I'm just imagining it. Maybe you don't remember me at all.

Damn. So many chances. So many things I would do differently. But I'm naïve. For some reason I always thought you'd stay. Like that watch, the one I saved for you, always there, no matter what.

I wonder where you are, if you're okay, but I'm sure you are. You're the Major, Queen Kong. You'll be okay. It's me I'm worried about.

I wonder if you're wearing the watch, wherever you are. I hope you are. I'm biased, but we all need to be reminded of the past. How the hell else to we stay human? That is assuming my memories aren't fake and you never existed. In which case I'm going to go jump off the fucking roof right now. But I'm not, because you'll save me, my guardian angel. I can't die, because you're still out there, and I still hope you'll come back. And if not I'll still wait my whole goddamn worthless life for you so I never go jump off the roof.

I miss you, Motoko. I never told you how much I love you. Maybe that's because I didn't know what love meant. I'm still not sure I do, and a cyborg shouldn't technically be able to love, should it? But cyborgs aren't supposed to cry, aren't supposed to dream, and I've done both those things. Maybe if you knew that you'd believe in humanity, in your ghost, in something. Maybe then you'd come back.

But I'm trying to use too many words so I don't have to say what I really want.

I love you. I hope that, wherever you are, somehow you know that. And I'll wait for you until the fucking would stops turning. I love you, Kusanagi Motoko.

And after the long goodbye, that's all I have left.

BATOU