I don't own American Dad, except for Zoey Wilson. The plot is similar to an episode of The Simpsons, so be warned. I do not own Kozier.
Opening Scene
The scene takes place at the Smith household. Hayley talks to the audience.
"A lot has happened. My dad was controlled by an evil boy. I had a baby girl. We tried to get dad to be normal again. I'm transitioning to become a mother" all this happened with flashbacks.
"Let's just say things are back to normal again" it turns out that Hayley was actually talking to a girl's scout, tricking the audience.
"Do you want these cookies or not?" the little girl asked.
End of Opening Scene
Act 1
The scene takes place at Hayley and Jeff's room in the Smith household. The couple walked towards their baby girl Mary sleeping in a crib. She had on pink pajamas, similar to Maggie Simpson. Her hair is the same color as her mother, although slightly the same size as her dad, but a bit shorter.
"Jeff, look at her. She is so cute!" Hayley squealed.
"That's our beautiful daughter right there. She's adorable, but very exhausting. I need to sleep" Jeff said as he and his wife went to get changed into their pajamas and later went to bed together.
"Good night, Jeff" Hayley said.
"Good night, babe" Jeff responded back as they turned off the lamp.
(Baby crying)
"Not again!" Jeff shouted.
The next day, Hayley was changing her diaper.
"How did mom do this when I was a baby?" she has herself as she finished fixing her daughter's diaper.
"Are you hungry honey?" Hayley cooed her daughter as she laughed. Hayley gets a baby bottle filled with formula. She gives it to Mary, but she starts crying.
(Crying)
"Oh no, come on honey! Please don't cry" Hayley begged as she puts the bottle to aside and pats her daughter's back.
Later, Jeff was playing his video games in their room.
(Crying)
"Hayley, Mary needs you" he said.
"I'm taking a shower" Hayley said, off-screen.
"Fine" Jeff put down the control and walked to his daughter's crib.
(Sniff)
"My goodness, I thought cinnamon apple was your flavor" Jeff wondered as he picked up his daughter and changed her diaper.
Moments later, we see the rest of the Smith family trying to do activities but were stopped at the baby's crying.
Steve was building a house of card, but was knocked down. Stan was typing stuff on his computer, but he started typing nonsense. Francine was brushing her hair but it was pulled by her brush. Klaus was drinking wine but spilled it inside his bowl. Roger was putting on a costume, but…he took off his headphones.
(Crying)
"Is this going to go on all day?" the alien wondered as he puts his headphones back on.
The next day, the entire Smith family, minus Mary, who was taking her nap, had a family meeting.
"Hayley, do you and Jeff know anything about parenting?" Stan asked.
"Dad, we love our daughter. I know we're both young parents, but trust me, we will get better. Mary will grow up to be a successful woman one day. She's not even a month old" Hayley answered.
"Mr. S, I'm sure we were all like Mary when we were babies. We weren't perfectly born babies, you know. Was your childhood perfect?" Jeff asked.
"No, but let's be honest, I can't concentrate on my work for the CIA if that baby continues to cry nonstop" Stan added.
"Stan, just put on earplugs or something" Francine suggested.
"Francine, I still got one stuck inside my brain last time. I can't use those stupid things" Stan argued.
"Dad, we will get better. You know what's unfair? You guys are hating on us and we're doing the best we can for our daughter. We haven't slept in like forever. I'm sure you and mom were like that when Steve and I were born" Hayley rebutted.
"Look honey, we kind of cheated our parenting skills a bit" Francine responded.
Flashback
Francine was holding baby Hayley as she was squirming and crying nonstop. Stan takes the cap off the baby bottle and placed it on a can of Mr. Pibb. Baby Hayley drank from it and stopped crying. Stan and Francine kissed afterwards.
Flashback Ends
"So that's how you became a hippie?" Steve wondered.
"That's it. Hayley, I know what we need to do for Mary to be quiet. We'll feed her some soda" Jeff suggested.
"No Jeff, it will make her hyper. Babies aren't allowed to drink soda. Yes I drank soda very young, but things were different back then" Hayley argued.
"Only one way to find out" Jeff said.
Moments later, Jeff's green vest and white shirt was covered with brown vomit. Francine is giving her granddaughter a bath. He returns to the living room with his wife.
"I told you so!" Hayley taunted.
"Okay Mary doesn't like soda, that's cool. At least she'll be a healthy girl" Jeff added.
"Jeff, she's allergic to caffeine" Hayley rebutted.
"Oh great, I guess we're stuck here with a crying child for the rest of our lives" he sighed.
"We can't give up babe. We just need to be better parents, that's all" she added.
"We need help. That's what we really need" Jeff suggested.
However, Steve is overhearing their conversation.
Later, he goes to his room, calling his girlfriend Zoey on the phone.
"Hello, hi Zoey" Steve said as a side screen appears with Zoey talking on her cell phone while doing her nails.
"Hi Steve, how you been?" she asked.
"Zoey, Hayley and Jeff look exhausted for days and they need help taking care of their baby. I want to help but I don't know what to do" he said.
"Steve, I think I can help you with that. I watched babies before. I'm sure Mary won't be a challenge" Zoey added.
"You don't understand. That baby cries a lot! A lot! I can't do my homework nor play video games or anything. How do you stand crying babies?" Steve asked.
"Leave everything to me" Zoey added.
The next day, Hayley and Jeff were playing with Mary with a rattle. She takes it and shakes it.
(Baby laughing)
"(Sigh) it's really hard being parents, huh Jeff?" Hayley asked.
(Crying)
"Here we go again" Jeff added.
(Doorbell rings)
Hayley opens the door.
"Hi Zoey" she said.
"Hi Hayley, where's the baby?" Zoey asked.
"Over here" Jeff answered while holding his daughter.
"Hi beautiful, I'm your aunt Zoey, well technically not biologically, but you know what I mean" she cooed the baby as she holds her. She hums a sweet song to her. It calmed her down so quickly that she went to sleep.
"That's a cute baby" Zoey whispered.
"Wow Zoey, you're amazing" Hayley cheered quietly while hugging her.
"Do what I do and you guys will be fine" Zoey suggested with a smile.
(Sniff)
"Does she need a diaper change?" Zoey asked.
"I think I do" Jeff said as he walked up the stairs as the ladies gave a disgusted look.
End of Act 1
Act 2
The next morning, Hayley prepared Mary's formula. However, the baby started crying. Using Zoey's suggestion, Hayley grabbed her daughter and cradled her while humming a sweet lullaby. It worked and Hayley proceed to feed her daughter. Later, Jeff is giving Mary a bath. She acts fuzzy as she kept splashing water everywhere.
"Oh God, how do I calm her down?" he wondered as he hummed some song and she calm down.
"Much better" Jeff told himself as he finished giving his baby her bath.
Later, Hayley and Jeff are playing peek-a-boo with the baby.
"You are so cute Mary! I want to have more kids like you!" Hayley cheered.
"Hayley, take it easy! Besides, it's hard enough one child is keeping us awake every night" Jeff disagreed.
"I think Zoey did an amazing job helping us. I think we should have an outing one day. We never had one since Mary was born" Hayley suggested.
"Great idea but who will watch our daughter?" Jeff wondered.
"Not us, we're on our way to our honeymoon" Stan said as he and Francine were carrying luggage.
"I'm coming too" Roger added as he is disguised in a brunette wig, sunglasses, and a blue dress.
"What about me?" Klaus follows as he was carrying a brown suitcase.
"Great, now what?" Hayley freaked out.
"I guess Steve can baby our child" Jeff suggested.
"Hmm, this gives me an idea" Hayley had a thought.
Moments later, the couple, while carrying baby Mary, visits Steve's room.
"Hey buddy" Hayley told her brother as he is playing video games on his laptop.
"Hi Hayley, what do you need?" he asked.
"Steve, I know you're busy but I want to go out with Jeff. We never had an outing ever since our baby was born. I'm begging that you can watch Mary for a while, please" Hayley pleaded.
"Hayley, you did not need to ask. I'm more than happy to do so" Steve agreed.
"Thanks little brother" Hayley hugs her brother.
"On one condition: I get Zoey to help me" Steve suggested.
"Sure why not?" Jeff agreed.
Later, Zoey visits the Smith household, ready to take care of baby Mary.
"We'll be back soon. Take good care of her" Hayley said as she and Jeff left on Jeff's van.
"Zoey, do you know how we're going to take good care of her?" Steve wondered.
"Steve, we got this. Besides, this will be our first attempt as parents, that is if we get married one day" Zoey said with a smile.
"Well okay, I hope we're not getting into too much trouble" Steve responded.
Meanwhile, Hayley and Jeff are driving on the road.
"Jeff, where do you want to go?" Hayley asked.
"Babe, that's a good question. Do you want to go to a movie? Eat out? Do some bowling?" Jeff listed some options.
"I'm sure we'll figure something out" Hayley answered as she cuddled next to her husband.
Meanwhile, Steve and Zoey were playing peek-a-boo with Mary. She laughs every time the couple closes their eyes with their hands.
"Where's Mary? Where's Mary?" Zoey wondered playfully.
"Over here! No seriously, she's over here!" Steve shouted.
(Baby crying)
"Oh come on, does that baby not know when to not cry?" Steve asked.
"Steve, she's your niece. Come here sweetie!" Zoey picked up Mary and cradled her with the same lullaby. Unfortunately, it does not work, as the baby kept on crying.
"What?! Why is she still crying? My humming always worked!" Zoey panicked.
"I have no idea! Here, give me the baby!" Steve ordered as Zoey gave him his niece and he tried to comfort her, but nothing seems to work.
"Oh come on kid; don't make things so difficult!" Steve panicked. "Quick Zoey, take your top off!"
"Excuse me?!" Zoey shouted.
"Maybe Mary is hungry. You can try to breastfeed her or something" Steve explained.
"Steve, I'm not breastfeeding your niece. Only Hayley the mother should do that!" Zoey snapped.
"Well we need to get her something to eat then!" Steve panicked as they walked to the kitchen while he carries the baby, who is still crying. Zoey opens the fridge.
"Let's see here: milk, eggs, leftover cake…"
"Milk, that's it! Well, make that a maybe. Perhaps she wants formula instead" Steve explained.
"Where's is the formula?" Zoey asked.
"Upstairs" Steve answered as they went upstairs, but the door in Hayley's room is totally locked.
"Damn it, we're screwed!" he shouted.
"Steve, calm down. I'm sure we'll figure something out. Go with the milk" she suggested.
"Well okay, but not too hot and not too cold" Steve explained as they went back to the kitchen as Zoey takes out a sauce pan and puts some milk in it.
"It's okay, little baby. Your uncle Steve and aunt Zoey will help you out" Steve cooed the baby, but she is still crying.
"Come on Zoey, she's giving me a headache!" Steve panicked in his mind.
Later, Hayley and Jeff stopped at a miniature golf. They were playing until Hayley got a hole in one.
"Nice one babe, shall we get the ball?" Jeff suggested.
"Okay" Hayley agreed as they went to find the ball, but they saw something inside. It says "HAYLEY + JEFF 4EVER".
"Babe, it's the time I carved that sign on our first date. Shall we go back in time?" Jeff asked seductively.
"I'm in!" Hayley answered as they went inside.
Unbeknown, Greg and Terry and Libby are about to golf at the same place that Hayley and Jeff recently played in.
"Come on Libby, you can do this" Greg cheered as Libby struck the ball into the hole.
(Screaming)
"Greg, what was that?" Terry wondered.
"I don't know. Libby, go check what's inside there" Greg suggested as the girl walked towards the silhouette and places her hand inside a hole. However, Jeff and Hayley are now fully naked as their clothes are scattered everywhere. Apparently, they were making out inside.
"Nice going Jeff" Hayley whispered angrily.
"Oh crap!" Jeff panicked.
End of Act 2
Act 3
Hayley and Jeff are hugging each other so tightly that they are covering each other's naked body.
"Jeff, why did you want to make out here?" she asked.
"Babe, you wanted to get frisky too! Now we're screwed and think of the press!" he panicked as they figured out a plan. However, a bunch of Langley Falls residents are outside of their area.
"What seems to be the issue?" Turlington the detective arrived.
"Sir, there's somebody inside there. You need to do something" Greg demanded.
"I'll get on it" Turlington complied as he stood out a gun inside.
"Oh no, we're screwed. On the count of three, one, two…" Jeff instructed as he and Hayley lifted the silhouette and it crashed on top of people and blocking the gun. Nobody was injured, but the couple's clothes are still lying on the grass. Principal Lewis appears.
"Oh right, naked people! This is awesome!" Lewis cheered as he waved Hayley's pink bra around. "I'll take these!" he picks up Hayley's matching bikini panties. "I'll add these to my collection" he picks up Jeff's tighty whities and as he sniffed them, he fainted. A dog sniffs Jeff's underwear, but his eyes got wide open and he ran away scarred for life.
Later, the couple tries to hide behind bushes and trees, but they found two statues. Hayley stands behind a bird statue, perfectly covering her chest and lower body. Jeff is covered by two loggers seesawing, but it is covering his lower area just fine. They smile at each other for a bit, but Jeff looks down.
"Babe, I don't trust these guys. Can we trade?" Jeff begged.
"We need to get out of here or else we'll be caught" Hayley said.
"You know, this is a perfect time to go boom chick-a boom-boom" Jeff talked in a sexy tone, but Hayley growls.
"Sorry" Jeff apologized.
Meanwhile, Zoey and Steve finished the milk for baby Mary. Zoey puts the milk in a bottle. Before giving Steve's niece some, she tries some by slightly dripping the milk content in her hand and takes a small lick.
"Perfect" she said as she gives her boyfriend the baby bottle and Steve proceeds to feed baby Mary the milk. She likes it and she stopped crying.
"Zoey, thank God for that. I don't know what to do if you didn't come over" Steve congratulated his girlfriend.
"It wasn't easy, but we didn't give up" she answered with a smile.
"Let's tell my niece a fun story" Steve suggested as they went to the living room. (A/E the story is created with crayon sketch drawings.) "Once upon a time, there was a knight and shining armor."
"He has a princess named Zoey" Zoey added to the story.
"They both fought a scary dragon named Bullock. He eats babies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One day, the mean dragon wants to eat baby Mary, but Steve and Zoey came to the rescue" Steve continues to narrate.
"The knight and princess killed the dragon with their superpowers and all the babies he ate were brought back to live" Zoey contributed.
"Then the two got married and they lived happily ever after. The end" Steve ends the story. (A/E the crayon story part is over as we see the original animation.)
Baby Mary is asleep.
"She is so cute" Zoey said with a smile.
"Yes she is" Steve agreed with a whisper.
"Steve, I was thinking. I hope one day we can be parents" Zoey suggested.
"I think we'll be the best parents ever!" Steve whispered excitedly. "Thank you!" he kissed his girlfriend's lips and they take turns holding the baby.
Meanwhile, Hayley and Jeff continue to hide from society and they found a hot air balloon.
"Wait a minute; is that the same hot air balloon from Zoey 105?" Hayley asked while breaking the fourth wall.
"Let's go" Jeff suggested and they went inside and the balloon blasts off.
"Babe, what are we doing?" he wondered.
"Escaping the press" she explained.
"Yeah but how are we…" Jeff saw a bunch of clothes hanging.
"Clothes! We're saved Jeff!" Hayley cheered.
"Here's a miniskirt" Jeff tries to get the garment, but he falls off.
(A/E his lower body is censored.)
"JEFF!" Hayley panicked, but her husband is hanging on to a rope.
"I'm okay. I'm not going to die, but I can't hold on much longer. Whatever you do, do not touch the rope. It can break easily" Jeff explained, but he was suddenly hit by a glass wall of a building on his backside and gets dragged along the way.
Inside the building, there was a concert going on. It was the band/singer Hozier performing the hit song "Take Me to Church".
Hozier:
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life
The audience screamed super loudly as they saw Jeff naked on the backside as he was getting dragged on the glass wall.
"Yeah, you guys are amazing! Take me to church…" Hozier continues to sing.
Back outside, Jeff is starting to fall.
"Babe, I can't hold on much longer. Lower me down, now!" he demanded.
"Hold on babe, let's go there" Hayley suggested as she pulled the rope to go lower. However, they ended up falling at a soccer stadium. It was an international friendly between the United States and Brazil.
"The United States is winning 1-0. If El Cheat-o misses this penalty, the Stars and Stripes will pull one of the biggest upsets in soccer history" the announcer said.
"Look up there!" someone shouted as the audience saw Hayley and Jeff going down on the stadium with shocked looks.
"El Cheat-o converts the penalty and he misses! No, the ball…what the hell is this? A naked man at a soccer game?! Has the world gone insane?!" the commentator said as the ball ended up hitting Jeff's left buttock and El Cheat-o converts the equalizer.
"No! That stupid man prevented the United from pulling off an upset!" the commentator shouted.
(Audience booing)
Hayley and Jeff landed on the grass, safe and sound.
(Wolf whistling)
"Oh come on, we were born naked people!" Jeff shouted.
"I guess we'll pose then" Hayley suggested as they waved at the people embarrassed.
The next day, at the living room while Steve is holding baby Mary, he sees a newspaper with Hayley and Jeff on the cover with their private parts being censored with black bars.
"Holy shit this is awesome!" Steve picks up the paper, but Hayley quickly arrives and snatches it away.
"Steve, nothing happened. Jeff and I got a little frisky" Hayley explained.
"I was going to read the comics section to Mary" Steve said.
"Here" Hayley gives him the comics but rips the remainder of the newspaper.
(Credits roll)
"You know Hayley, Zoey and I want to be parents one day. We make a good couple, you know" Steve added.
"You guys did a good job. I'm very proud of you kiddo. Thank you" Hayley responded with a smile. "I'll just stay home with Mary until the media forgets about the incident"
"Babe, we're on a porn site! We're famous!" Jeff cheered as he entered the living room but Steve and Hayley glared at him.
"Oh, it's nothing to celebrate huh? We're screwed, aren't we?"
End of Act 3