I live in an ordinary apartment complex in North Hollywood California. It is not nice or ugly it just looks like every other pleasant-looking apartment complex in the valley. Just right for boring old me, I'm thirty soon and the most interesting thing I think I've ever done is dance on a table top at a friend's birthday and even then I was hideously drunk after drinking the 'non-alcoholic' punch.
I'm a bit of a geek see, mostly just into technology and music, no significant other but I don't mind it I'm happily enjoying life single I don't feel the need to have someone to share it with. Truth is they'd probably only annoy me and upset my routine.
My alarm clock radio goes off playing the oldies, which now consists of rock 'n' roll from the mid- eighties. I sit up in bed not happy, not unhappy, just another day I guess.
I tie my long blonde hair up and get on with my morning workout on the treadmill. I look around my tidily decorated room I have an impressive array of Buffy collectibles, all in their original packaging I didn't open any of the rare or vintage stuff.
I get ready for work dressed in khaki slacks and a white dress shirt and step out of my apartment and
I reach the parking lot of a mini-mall that consists of a dozen stores on two stories there is a Barnes and Noble book store, a Daily Grill restaurant, a nail salon, a children's gym and a video store, but the centre-piece is an enormous Circuit City.
Walking inside I nod hello to people as I head toward the stock room. Everyone politely says hello back but I don't actually have any friends or close relationships here. I take my place at a desk which is in an opening between the showroom and the stock room. People come to me with their receipts to get their items pulled from the stock room and delivered to their cars. I don't mind it really it pays the bills and there's no stress in it most of the time.
Just as I'm walking across the showroom floor, headed for the bathroom I'm stopped by Jay, a tall, handsome 25 year-old salesman, who is working a 40 year-old black female customer.
He waved me over "Spencer knows all about this stuff. What is the main reason a flat-screen is better than a rear-projection?"
I sighed doing his job for him again "The viewing angle is far better on a flat-screen. Due to the liquid crystal display, you can watch it from any part of the room, and it's a much better resolution."
"So sure, you'll save a couple bucks with rear-projection, but you have more than two people over, they're gonna have to sit on your lap to watch TV but maybe you like that!" The woman laughs at him.
I keep walking when somebody else stops me again, god can a girl catch a break? I look up to notice a very attractive young woman had stepped in my path. "Could you help me?"
Oh god my hands are sweating my brain goes all fuzzy and my stomach starts doing that churning thing. "No, S... S... Sorry" I stumble terrified
"But you work here?" she looked inquisitively at me
"Y...Yes but I'm not in sales. I stamp invoices."
"I just have a quick question about CD players." She smiled god that was cute.
"Bob or Dave will be happy to help you they're very nice. I'm on a bathroom break" I say quickly trying to get away so I can breathe properly again.
"What if I want your opinion?" she asked after me but just then Dave came over to help and I scurried off to the bathroom and take a deep breath recovering from the interaction with a pretty woman.
I composed myself and went back to my post when Jay came over "Hey Spencer are you busy tonight?" I was taken aback at the question although were friendly they never invite me out to social engagements. We're gonna play poker. You want to play poker?"
"Uh, yeah, sure, that'd be cool. I know how to play." I try desperately to sound cool
"You know how to play?" he said sceptically
"I play online."
"Well it's just like that, except with real people." He smirked
"So, uh, where's this going down?" trying to be hip
"My house, I'll get you the address."
"Cool very cool. Should I bring some liquor or how about food?"
"No we're all good Spencer"
-x-
I arrived at Jay's house we get down to playing poker most of the chips are in front of me.
"Jesus Spencer, how much online poker do you play?"
"Only for an hour or two every night you know when I'm not playing on The Sims." I laugh but nobody else does and it quickly falls quiet with everyone getting back into the game.
A few hours later Dave throws down his last chip as does Bob.
"Well Spencer at least I feel like I've gotten to know you better, since you spent the last three hours fucking me in the ass." They all laugh I didn't get the joke but giggle along with them trying to fit in.
"Well this has been fun. Give me a Bobl anytime, I'm wide open." I smiled and stood up.
"You know what you're supposed to do after you thrash us at poker? You're supposed to take us out for liquor." Dave smiled up at me.
I shrugged "Ok, I'm game."
"Sorry but I have to get out of here. I'm meeting Ellen." Jay stands and leaves as the other boys holler and whoop after him.
Dave sighs "How'd he get so lucky just goes to her place at night and bones her and leaves? And she has no problem with that? I mean how come I can't get one of those?"
"Sign me up for that. I'm in!" i said sounding too excited.
"I have got to get laid it's been too long. Like four months too long" Bob sighed.
"Who was the last one?"
"Jill. She was awesome. She had these huge boobs Oh I used to love to bite them. I didn't even want to have sex I could bite those boobs all night."
"What happened to her?"
"She was an asshole, mean and a miserable person in general but I so regret breaking up with her."
"Why did you break up with her?"
"I felt like we were in different places in our lives." I saw a hint of sadness in his face.
"Yeah, you were in this place where you were having trouble getting a job and she was in this place where she hated your fat ass!"
We all laughed even Bob joined in.
I had this girlfriend once she loved the fellatio. Anywhere we went, she would want to do it. Then we went to see Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. And she's going for it and the guy who worked there saw us but he didn't stop it he just watched. It was so gross and then I couldn't finish..."
Bob burst out laughing "Dude, this story is over ten years old don't you have a sex story that happened in this millennium? That's so lame bro."
"Ah unbelievable that is so lame." I stated.
Dave turns to me "Ok then Spencer you give us a good sex story"
I stop in my tracks, see it hasn't exactly happened for me yet and although I'm not a prude I'm definitely not about to tell them that. "I don't kiss and tell."
"Oh come on, give us a good, dirty one. What's the dirtiest thing you've ever done?" my lasagne tray I thought, that thing took some cleaning!
I think it over a while coming up with something mildly entertaining "Ok well I went with this girl, she loved having sex she was so into it. We would have sex and she'd be screaming, "I love it." It was so dirty. We had sex in every room in the house. It was like you guys were saying. She even wanted to do it on the kitchen table. I came home and she was on the kitchen table naked 'cause she just wanted me to nail her..." I took a breath they seemed to be buying it "I nailed her so bad. We were swinging from the chandelier. She was crazy and it was never enough with her."
"What was her name?"
"Tonya. Man she was so crazy I am embarrassed to even talk about it. God, I was really into it, too it was so much fun."
"Did you like to talk during sex?" I never even knew you would I mean wouldn't that just make it more complicated but they seemed to think it was something that regularly happened so I went along with it.
"She was talking the whole time. I was hitting it big time she could barely walk the next day."
They all laugh and looking at me wearily I think they realize I'm full of shit. "So you really used to do her?"
"Yep like ten times a night maybe twenty." That sounds about right.
"Do you last a long time?"
"Oh yeah perks of being a girl, sometimes as long as an hour"
"So ten times would take at least ten hours. Do you rest in between?"
"Nope I don't need to. Why waste time?" I shrugged.
"So sex with you could take a whole day?"
"Yep more even."
"Did you get a lot of back door action?"
"We did back door. Side door we were doing all the doors and a couple of windows." I say jokingly.
Dave finally gave a smirk "You have no idea what we're talking about."
"Sure I do."
He bursts out laughing "Oh my God, You're a fucking virgin"
I panic "What? Shut up. Yeah, okay. Tell Tonya that. If I'm a virgin Tonya's a virgin, too. I haven't been one since I was ten, my friend." I was fighting a losing battle, he was right I had no clue what they were talking about I needed to change the subject quickly "When did you guys lose your virginity?"
"Oh, no no no you've never popped your cherry."
"Come on guys. Very funny" i try to play it off but they won't leave it alone.
"I am gonna make it my mission to get you laid. I am gonna be your best friend, your pimp. We're gonna change your life."
-x-