Title: Free to Brie You and Me
Crossover fandoms: Community/Bob's Burgers
Spoilers: Very mild spoilers up to 5.06
Disclaimer: I do not own Community, Bob Burgers or H. Jon Benjamin's voice. Crossovers are not my forte so any errors are my own.
Author's note: Here's the secret santa story written for the Milady/Milord community.
And a special thanks to OneoftheMuses setting me up with a topic and as a proofreader.
Jeff has no idea how he got dragged into this. He had the evening planned out. He would go home, mark about 20 identical essays with 2 fingers of a Macallan, served neat of course, right beside him. Depending on how the traffic and how bad the essays are, he might have a second glass of scotch and rub one out before he sleeps.
But of course something had to happen that would veer him away from his perfect weeknight evening.
As he approached his car, he could make out a petite young lady that evidently had issues with her automobile. Not that he had much experience with cars, it was clear that Annie was in a hurry to be somewhere and her organized set of gears and cogs didn't appear to be in working order.
"Annie, no matter how hard you kick that tire, it won't start running like it does in the cartoons."
She looked up at him with exasperated eyes.
"I'm supposed to be doing a favor for a friend of mine and I'm already late… Unless…."
He tries to look away. Those big baby blue eyes plead to him. To be perfectly honest, he probably would have helped her out anyway. This is Annie that he's talking about here. She is worth breaking out in a light sweat; how was this any different.
Just like that, somehow Jeff was roped into giving her a ride to an obscure burger joint in the far side of town. It was in the stranger part of town, not like Dildopolis strange, but considering that it's the Greendale area, nothing really fazes him anymore.
"So what's the big thing you have to do?"
"Oh, just a favor."
Jeff eyes Annie questioningly without taking his eyes off the road too much. "You'll have to elaborate more than that. I'm not good at reading vague scenarios like Abed."
Annie sighs, "When I was living above Dildopolis and my parents had cut off all ties with me, I didn't really have any family, other than you guys. But the Beltchers were kinda, somehow, distantly related to me. Kinda the black sheep on my mom's side. Well, they helped me find a cheap apartment and kept me fed so I wouldn't have waste too much money on groceries. It's embarrassing. I was supposed to move out on my own and be self sufficient, yet I still had to rely on people."
Jeff wishes he could stop the car and pull her aside and squeeze her so hard that all her feelings of worthlessness falls out. But real life doesn't work like that. The best he can do is assuage her feelings by being his normal charming self.
"You don't believe that. You can't possibly believe that you are supposed to do everything on your own, considering how you throw 110% of yourself into helping others. We all need help sometimes and you are not going to be any different. The only difference this time is that you have us to help you along the way. Besides, I don't think humans are meant to handle things all by themselves. That's why they create study groups."
He flashes her the classic Winger grin and she smiles back.
"I guess. It's just so much easier to count your failures than your blessings," Annie looks over Jeff the same moment that he looks over at her. Their eyes meet briefly and they smile.
"Well, you might not have to worry too much about stuff like that. You're going to be a successful police detective, right? Plus, when Troy comes back from his 'Around the world' journey, there's no way he would let any of us starve. He's a human gummy bear: equal parts soft and sweet."
Annie looks down and smiles, "That's true. Troy probably won't let you make another super hero commercial. He's too kind to make you go through that torture twice… or he'd make you shoot flames out your butt. Especially with that extra high butt crack of yours."
Jeff makes a face, "You noticed my high butt crack?"
"How could I not? It almost comes up to your shoulder blades!" They laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
Soon they Jeff's Lexus rounds the corner and they stop in front of what appears to be "Bob's Burgers", sandwiched between a funeral parlor and an artisan ceramic cat bowl shop called 'Me-ow-ls."
"Are you sure this is the right place? It looks a bit like a dive here." Jeff isn't that concerned for Annie's well being; if he were to be perfectly honest with himself, he was having a great time with Annie. He didn't really want the night to end with him just leaving and going home to drink scotch.
"Yep! And the best burgers in Greendale too! They have Burgers of the Day and one time they made this… Free to Brie You and Me Burger. I don't think I have ever tasted anything so delicious in my life." Annie looks completely at peace reminiscing about the burger, "You would probably take one bite and break out in sit ups."
Jeff grins at her, "Well, now that we are here, how are you getting home at the end of the night? I know you aren't going to be driving yourself back."
Annie grimaces at the thought of her car in disrepair, "I was probably just going to call a cab back to the apartment. I would ask Abed to pick me up, but I think he's on a date with Rachel tonight."
Jeff tries to make an exasperated face despite being secretly glad that she didn't have a ride home.
"Well, why don't I come with you. Maybe I'll have a burger and I'll drive you home after this favor."
Annie's eyes widens and smiles. "Okay, but I'm picking out the burger."
*****************
After 2.5 hours, Jeff is dumbfounded and unnaturally full of carbs, grease and brie. As Annie and Jeff walk back towards his Lexus, he tries not to show how full he is and how tight his belt is around his waist. Since his second year at Greendale, he knows that it is okay to let loose occasionally and enjoy the finer points in life. However, it doesn't mean that he has to advertise the aftermath of his bloated stomach to the petite woman next to him.
"Thanks, Jeff. I really appreciate it. I know Bob and Linda would have been more than happy to drive me home, but I wouldn't want to impose that on them considering all that they have done for me."
Jeff looks over to her as he buckles his seatbelt, "Well, after that 'Free to Brie You and Me' burger, it was well worth it. Now I know why it's your favorite."
As Jeff starts driving, it becomes eerily quiet. They just spent hours together babysitting some of the strangest children he had ever met, yet he doesn't know how to start a conversation with someone he considers to be one of his closest confidantes. They pass a couple blocks before the he tries to make small talk.
"So that Louise kid sure is…"
"I wonder what the Dean will…"
Jeff looks over at Annie at the same moment. Annie laughs at the absurdity of them trying to start a conversation at the same time after being silent for so long.
"So what were you saying about Louise? She definitely has a strange charisma around her. Not unlike some lawyer I know," Annie tries to waggle her eyebrows a little; Jeff catches her and starts laughing.
"That Louise kid has quite the nefarious trouble making streak to her. If I didn't like her so much, I would think that Greendale would be the perfect place for her to work out her some of her aggression and deviousness."
"She definitely is a handful. Compared to her Tina, it is hard to believe that they are even related. But with that said, I'm distantly related to them as well."
Jeff takes a moment to remember what Tina was like. "I can barely remember who Tina was. She seemed to disappear into the shadows. Not too much of her was really memorable."
"Well, I'm glad you were able to connect with Louise. Though Gene seemed a bit standoffish."
"Wait, who's Gene? There was a third kid?"
"Jeff! That's terrible! We were babysitting them and you didn't even know how many kids we were in charge of!"
"It's not my fault that the last time I babysat, the Babysitter's Club books were still being published!" Jeff tries to flash his Winger smile back at Annie. It doesn't take long for Annie to soften up.
Before long, Jeff pulls up to Annie's apartment. "Well, here we are, milady."
Annie softly smiles back to Jeff, "If I haven't said it enough. I really appreciate it, Jeff."
She is unbuckling her seatbelt and about to step out of the car when he stops her.
"Look, I know you think that some small part of you failed because things didn't work out exactly as you wanted it to. But from what I can surmise, you have everything you need. You have the Beltchers, sure, they are a little weird and Linda can be way too loud and enthusiastic when it comes to your dating life, but they are good people. You are never a failure, just because you need to rely on others for some help every once in a while. Also, you have the study group. We may be a rag tag group of outcasts that constantly argue and get into insane hijinx, but we love one another and that's what counts. Last but not least, you have me. I mean, really, I have you. Without you, I may not even try to be a better person than I was five years ago."
Jeff didn't expect himself to break out in such a long speech, but the words just kept flowing out of his mouth. He probably couldn't even stop it if he tried. Staring closely at Annie, she stares at him earnestly.
"Thanks Jeff. And you are right. I do have you" As Annie completes the sentence, she leans over, gives him a kiss on the cheek and exits the car.
Jeff doesn't even notice his hand touch his face where Annie left her mark. As he drives off towards home, he wonders if he can skip marking those 20 essays and skip straight to bed, thinking about a certain brunette.