I wrote a scene in another fanfic about how Ed and Al dealt with alcohol. After thinking about my friend's supposed "inspiration" from that scene, this was born. I don't even know why. To said friend who will probably read this, I don't know! Don't ask! Don't put words in my mouth! I was sleep deprived when this was written! Just a head's up, once Al is drunk, he's going to be very perverted and very ooc. By that time, it's also going to be quite dialog heavy.

If you're under thirteen, and you're reading this, it's not my fault if you're scarred for life!

I don't own FMA!

Alphonse had been late getting home that night. He had gotten caught up in the library, finishing a novel. He was very interested in the stories that could be conjured up from one's mind.

He hadn't gotten to read many novels when he was young, as his father's library contained precious few. Edward hadn't read any, sticking to books that were strictly science related. He'd said that they were a waste of time, stories that had never happened.

But Al didn't mind, and he'd read them anyway. His older brother may be better at focusing, but he was the faster reader, so he had time to read everything. As such, one could say Al was slightly more imaginative than his brother.

The particular book he'd been reading was the only novel he had yet to read from their small local library, though Al couldn't say it was to his liking. He'd wondered what Ed might say if he knew he was reading it.

Would he laugh? Would he smirk knowingly? Would he tease him? Would he be disgusted? Would he reveal himself as a pervert?

Al thought it was safer not to take the book home and finish it at the library.

And that is why he was home so late. Speaking of home, the apartment building was coming up. What would he say to his brother, who was most likely worried? He couldn't say he'd be reading, because Ed knew of Al's membership, meaning he could have just brought the book home.

Eventually, when he was turning the key into the lock, he figured he may as well tell the truth. He sucked at lying to Ed, who would find out one way or other anyway.

"Sorry I'm late, Brother," he called into the apartment, "I was-"

Suddenly, the light was on. Ed walked into the room, with a certain manic air about him.

"Hello, young brother! Why are you so late? Eh, it doesn't matter, what does is that you ought to be punished!"

"Whatever for?" asked Al, not sure if he should be amused, exasperated or scared.

"For keeping your dear old brother up, worrying!" Ed said, over dramatically. "Now, your punishment is… you're going to embarrass yourself!"

Al was perplexed. He couldn't just embarrass himself on purpose, especially not for the amusement of his brother. Said brother, seemingly reading his mind, gestured towards the bench in the kitchen, which had a bottle of whiskey on it and a single glass.

"Now, I'm glad you asked," Ed said before Al could ask, "you shall embarrass yourself when you're drunk."

"But, Broth-"

"No buts, Al! You're obviously familiar with Equivalent Exchange, right? You saw me drunk, so I get to see you drunk."

After that statement, he could tell, that his brother would have brought this about whether on not he'd been late. He'd probably been planning this for a while.

"Really, Brother? This is what you really want? Not to know where I've been? Why, I could have been out murdering or stealing for all you know!" He stared ahead, trying to get into his crazed brother's head. "Well, I guess I'm not complaining," he added more to himself.

He thought about it. It would take him forever to get drunk, so by that time, Ed might have fallen asleep. And even if he didn't, it was better it happened here rather than somewhere public. If something embarrassing did happen, it was unlikely anyone would believe Ed if he talked about it. So, with a tone of finality, he said, "Fine!"

Ed grinned and made to pour a glass for him. "I'm going to wait no matter how long it takes," he said, "I don't care! I know you had eight shots and you were fine last time, but that was weak whiskey! This is the strongest whiskey I could find."

Al saw the proffered glass. He said, "If it was such weak whiskey, how come you were drunk beyond recognition after only three shots?"

Smirking slightly at his brother's sudden rage, he snatched the glass away and drowned it in a single gulp.

Ten minutes later it hadn't had any effect, so Ed had given him another. So it continued, until fifteen glasses sat before him. Ed was quietly muttering about he was finally 'drunker than that bastard's ever been, probably'.

"So, Al, how d'you feel?"

"I… feel… ah… great!" he said with wonder. "This is… is… nice! I can… can… I forgot…" Ed was shaking with repressed laughter at his brother's heavy slur.

Al suddenly burst out suddenly, "I know why you won't let me keep a cat! You think I have a cat fetish, don't you!" Ed was extremely confused. Al continued, "Well, I don't! I happen to like women very much, you know! They're very pleasing, they way the feel, the way they taste… very, very, very, very pleasing!"

Al sighed contentedly, then giggled. Ed had never heard him giggle, let alone speak like that. He then suddenly became even more confused and said, "How d'you know that?!"

Al had only knowingly said, "You're not the only one who's got a girlfriend, Brother."

Ed, shocked, said "But I don't have a –"

Al had replied hysterically, "Don't lie to me! You shouldn't lie to your dear brother!" He tried to stand, but fell back down against the armchair, and said with the air of a teenaged school girl, "I've heard you, y'know. Both of you. Screaming. D'you think I'm a heavy sleeper, or something?"

Ed got up, and dismissively waving his hands around, began "Al, you shouldn't say such things, you're drunk, you wouldn't kn –"

"Ah, but I do, and that's the thing! One will be screaming 'Oh, faster, faster, harder!' and the other will be screaming 'You're so tight!' and you'll both be moaning and groaning and even the bed's joined in with the making of noise!"

Ed, whose face was a deep enough colour to make his old coat jealous said, "Alphonse! You can't talk like that!"

Al simply looked confused. "Why not, Brother? We're both young adults, right? That's how I remember it… if you were born in 1899, then you ought to be, er," he paused, "teew- taw- twa- twenty-three! Anyway, isn't it healthy for people our age to engage in such activities? It's nothing to be embarrassed about, sex is a beautiful, wonderful, brilliant thing!"

Ed was completely awestruck. "You wouldn't be saying these things if you were sober. You're so damn drunk!"

Al tried getting up again, and succeeding, he staggered unsurely over to his brother and fell upon him. He looked up at his face from his lap and said, "But I'll be sober in the morning! You'll still be short." At this, Ed pushed his brother off his lap.

Al clambered up back to his spot on Ed's lap, saying something about how that wasn't very nice. Ed remembered something Al said earlier and asked, "But how do you know how that feels, Al? I'd know if you were… uh… active, wouldn't I?"

"No. You are a heavy sleeper, not to mention we clean up after ourselves. Sometimes, you're not even home! Or we might go in the shower, or against a wall, or on the couch in my room…"

Ed had always thought Al was innocent and sheltered from the world, in this case at least. How wrong he was. Feeling incredibly awkward, he cast around for a change of subject and remembered Al was late home.

"So where were you tonight, Al? You were late, remember?" Ed had long since been speaking to Al as if he were a child, but it really began to show.

"Ahhhhhh, let's see! Well, I was at the library, reading a novel. There were books on alchemy and physics and anatomy, too, but it's a small library and Dad had all that stuff in his library."

"Then how come you didn't bring the book back with you? I know you can borrow books."

"I didn't want you to know what book I was reading."

"Why not?"

"Because! Well, it was the last novel to read, I'd read all the other ones. I didn't want to read this one, not at all, and I was red as you were a few minutes ago the whole way through!"

"Uh… why, Al?"

"Because, Brother, it was a woman's romance book! I like having sex, but I don't like reading about it, no way! It spoke about the pleasure, and the dirtiness, and how it was forbidden but that made it better, hotter! It wasn't fun to read! Why do women read it? Why don't women just do it?"

"I, uh, don't know, Al…" Ed was purely shocked! How could his little, supposedly innocent brother read that? Though apparently Al didn't know either.

"I've read much better books! Like one about a woman who was a matchmaker, or one about a ghost in a house and if anyone saw her a child would die! Or a book about an orphan who actually belonged in a world of magic, or one about a man who would solve mysteries with his assistant and good friend! So much nicer!"

Ed and Al had sat there for a long time in silence after Al's rant. Just as Ed thought Al was asleep, Al had spoken up.

"So, Brother, what makes her scream the loudest?" Al had asked this as if he were asking a simple question regarding alchemy. Ed started.

"I – what?"

"You heard me," was the sing-song reply. "You ought to answer. Because I'll tell the Colonel you love him if you don't!"

"Al," Ed said, completely and utterly awed, "you can be evil! I can't believe it!"

"Don't change the subject, dear Brother, answer the question!"

"Only if you do."

"Okay, sure, whatever," said Al, beaming.

"She, er, screams loudest when I… er…" Ed whispered it in Al's ear, wishing to be quiet for some reason, as if there was someone else in the apartment. Al giggled for five minutes. When the giggles subsided, Ed reminded Al of their deal.

"Oh, right. Well, when, y'know, when I'm in her, I suck on her neck… she screams loudest then! She screams louder than you and your girlfriend put together! Lucky you're both such heavy sleepers."

Ed was once again utterly awed. He didn't know what he expected tonight – maybe Al to be loud and crazy like when he ate sweets, but certainly not that he'd be perverted! And so open about all of it! Had he been sober, he would've acted like a blushing virgin… which is what Ed thought he was, before tonight.

Deciding he'd had enough being purely weirded out for one night, he nudged Al up, got up himself and lead Al back to his room. He tucked him in, not sure if he could do it himself, since his voice was still slurred, and went back to his own room.

When Al awoke next morning, he'd had to run straight to the bathroom to empty his stomach contents. After that, he only felt slightly nauseous. He didn't have a pounding headache like Ed had complained so much about when he had a hangover.

Most importantly, however, Al still remembered everything that happened the night before. And he cringed visibly. Ed saw, and smirking, he asked "So, did you have fun last night?"

Al's face wet extremely red, two times as red as Ed's had been the night before. He said "Sorry, sorry, sorry, Brother! I– I didn't know what I was saying! Well, I did, but, uh… well, sorry!"

Ed laughed and laughed and laughed. When he finally stopped, he wiped a tear from his eye and said, "It's okay, Al. I'm your big brother, you can tell me anything! I promise I won't tell anyone about what you said." He paused, bringing his hand to his chin and looking overly thoughtful. "Well, maybe Win –"

"Brother, please don't, I'd never be able to look her in the eye again! You know, I could just tell her what you said!" Al said, increasing panic in his voice.

"Yeesh, Al, calm down, I was kidding! Like I'd be able to repeat that with a straight face, anyway!"

Al sighed. Ed sat down and Al cooked breakfast. The incident wasn't mentioned again, unless in quiet moments where they laughed about it, or jokingly for blackmail.

Al was almost always very careful when it came to alcohol after that, if his speech began to slur, he word stop. Generally. It was fun, though he'd never tell Ed that.

Whelp… what is this I don't even. You don't get to see what Ed does to make bis girlfriend scream, sorry. It's just way too awkward for me to write. Sorry for the poor references and the fic as a whole! I just… I don't know. To my dear (notice the sarcasm) friend, no my red is not face, thankyouverymuch! If I've not broken your brain, mind dropping a review? They might fix my brain, which is most definitely broken. xD

–Samsung Super Aladdin Boy II