I need to feel you here
It was one of those nights. One of those hideous, incredibly hot nights that wouldn't let you sleep (unless you had an AC… which they didn't). They actually had only one fan for the three of them (Rachel, Kurt and Santana), and they got to use it one night each. It wasn't her turn tonight. Plus, these days, Puck was visiting them so they had yet another person to share their precious fan with. He wasn't there now, though, he must have found some New Yorker girl(s) to fool around with. Maybe he run out of girls in Lima… and California, Rachel thought.
She kept shifting on her bed, trying to find a comfortable position, but nothing seemed to work. She drank some iced water from the bottle she had on her night table, again, but it was useless. The sheets were hot and there was no point on turning her pillow around to lay on the cool side, because there wasn't a cool side anymore.
But the worst thing about it all was not the heat. It was the fact that it led to insomnia. And that led to thinking. She didn't like thinking. That's why she tried to busy herself during the day.
Thank God she didn't have to wake up too early the next day.
She looked at the time.
1:13 am.
Thank God she didn't have to wake up too early today.
Realizing it was useless, she got up and headed to her bureau. She crouched and opened the bottom drawer, the one that nobody uses or puts stuff in so they don't have to be crouching all the time. She removed some old pajamas and sweatshirts and took a shoe box from the back. Then she headed to the window with the fire escape.
Once outside, she sat down on the floor and felt the soft breeze on her face. It was not cool but it was definitely better than being inside.
She looked down at the small box on her lap and took a deep breath. Then she slowly lifted the cover.
Inside, she saw the velvet box she was looking for. She pulled it open and took the necklace in her hands. Her 'Finn' necklace. She hadn't actually wore it since the last time she was in Ohio, for the memorial Mr. Schue and the Glee club had organized, but in moments like this, wearing it felt like he was with her for a little while. Or like he was a little closer, at least.
She had also hanged on the chainlet the little gold star he had given her.
You're a real star, and you need to shine. Just because I can't be with you, doesn't mean I don't believe in you.
She thumbed it while the memories came to her mind.
Her engagement ring was also hanging there.
You're like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkness. Like this big gold star, and for some bizarre reason you chose to let me love you and… I feel like if I can just convince you to let me keep doing that… then I'm gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay.
…A promise to keep loving you for the rest of my life…
She hung it around her neck and held the pendants close to her heart, closing her eyes and breathing deeply to calm herself down.
Once she managed to rein in the wave of tears, she kept going through the stuff in the box. She found the picture of her pig, Barbra, and her lips quirked up a bit. Craziest present ever, but she loved it. She suddenly felt terrible for being so pushy with Finn about that Christmas present. Now she'd give up all the presents in the world just to see again his excited smile when giving her that one… Her eyes were glassy and she blinked a few times to avoid tears from falling.
She had seen the glittery, green and pink frame showing through the papers and other stuff in there when she first opened the box, but she had been avoiding it purposely. Now she couldn't help herself anymore and pulled from it to take it out.
It was the little picture of him that used to be in her locker. She thumbed the half smile she missed so much a couple of times before tears started running down her cheeks. She held Finn's picture close to her heart while looking up and breathing deeply, trying to stop crying so she wouldn't wake up anybody.
The last thing she needed was another pep talk from her friends...
She loved them, and she knew they were just trying to help her, but she had heard too many times what they had to say to her (not that they weren't right, but still).
"He'd want you to move on and be happy."
"You look tired, why don't you go get some sleep? You'll feel better when you wake up."
"He's taking care of you."
"Maybe you're working too many hours."
"He really loved you, you know?"
"Don't cry, Rach, it's all gonna be alright."
It had been some time since she had heard any of those, though, precisely because she wouldn't allow herself to be sad around her friends. It just wouldn't be fair for them. She knew they loved and missed Finn too, and they were trying to move on and pull it together. She wasn't going to be the one to unleash a wave of feelings in them, she'd try her best to pull it together too.
She felt like they'd never understand her, though. Not that she felt she was more hurt than her friends, because hurt is not measurable or comparable. But at the end of the day, some blocks away or a lot of miles away, they had someone. Santana had Dani, Kurt had Blaine... They would probably never understand what it was like for her. She had always been a day-by-day-planner kind of person. And Finn was not the exception. Like she had told Mr. Schue some months ago, after both of their careers had developed, she would go back to him. Because she had always known that home isn't some place but some one. And for her, home was Finn Hudson…
But she was homeless now.
Nowhere to go.
Nowhere to hide.
Nowhere to shelter…
She rested her head on the railing behind her and closed her eyes. She remained still, letting the tears flow, until her neck hurt. And then some more minutes. When her breath came back to normal, she lifted her head again and wiped her tears before going back to her box.
With shaky hands, she pulled out a photo album. She hadn't gone through it since her first week in the city and she wasn't sure she would be able to do it again now. It was red and she had decorated it with glitter and a sticker of their school logo when their senior year started. She took a deep breath and opened it.
When she saw the first picture, a couple of tears fell on the transparent film that covered it. The picture showed the both of them, kissing in the choir room, right after their last apologize for "the kiss that missed". Finn had made a copy of it and pinned it on his bedroom's door.
There were also some pictures from senior year Regionals (a bunch she had taken of him when he had been performing, and a couple of them together taken by their friends after they finished), also from Sectionals… And Nationals. Someone had managed to take a picture of them right after she had sung her solo, when she ran into his arms and he held her tight, proudly.
There was also a dry rose from the bouquet he gave her before her NYADA audition.
And a dry daisy from Ms. Pillsbury's bouquet.
…Relationships are a lot like flowers. If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight… Bam. Perfect bud. But then comes the winter and the flower dies. But if you tend that garden, spring will come along and the flower will bloom again…
…You and I both know how this thing ends. Now I don't know how, or when. And I don't care where you're living or what dope you're shacked up with. You are my girlfriend. We are endgame. I know that and you know that.
She had wanted to kiss him so badly that night… But no, she had to be a diva and play hard to get. Like he didn't already know she was head over heels for him. She had been since day one. But all she did was pull the last petal of the daisy off. The 'she loves me' petal. He knew what it had meant, it meant hope, although she wouldn't say it out loud. But then music did the work for them, as usual.
- I think the real issue here is whether or not you can handle singing with me. I mean, we do have some pretty dangerous musical chemistry.
- I think I can control myself.
And even before those words had left her mouth, she had known they were not even half true. She certainly couldn't control herself. All he had to do was sing to her and look deeply into her, amber eyes in chocolate ones, and she'd be his. And he had always known that, and used it in his favor.
She sighed and turned the page, hoping to find something less romantic and heartbreaking on the other side, but the picture she saw made her close the album roughly and toss it in the box again.
She closed her eyes but the picture seemed to be stuck in the back of her eyelids, it was all she could see.
There they were, he in a perfect black suit, she in a white gown and a veil, walking down a hallway, their arms linked…
The tears blurred the image and, for the first time in months, she was thankful for crying.
Once she calmed down as much as she could, which wasn't that much, she pulled another thing out of the box. It was a folded paper, but she didn't remember what it was. She unfolded it with shaky hands and her lips quirked up a little bit when her eyes focused on the name Finn Hudson, the memories coming back to her mind.
- You named a star after me?
- No, I thought about it, but then I named it Finn Hudson. Because there's already a star named Rachel Berry and she's right here on earth and she's brighter than any of those stars up there. So I wanted to make sure that whenever she feels lonely she can look up at the sky and, no matter where I am, she can know that I'm looking down on her.
She kept staring at the paper, the 'Star deed', being careful she wouldn't ruin it with her own tears, and then at the piece of sky she could see between the tall buildings. Even if it was a clear night, there were not a lot of stars on sight in the night sky of New York City. She focused on the brightest one she could see.
-Hey you… - she smiled without emotion – So, anytime I feel lonely, you said… Okay, here I am. I just- I couldn't sleep… and I couldn't help thinking about you… I think about you every day, to be honest. And I- I miss you, a lot… I know you don't want any of us to- to feel sad but… I mean, I'm trying, you know that… But it just feels like it's making me forget you, you know, moving on… I just need moments like this to be alone with you, to remember you…
It's funny, you know? Because I've tried to forget you so many times… Especially while being in this city… And now I just hold on to your memory so, so hard… I'm so afraid I may forget you some day, honey… What you look like, how it felt to be in your arms, your cute smile, the things you liked and the ones you didn't, the songs we sang, the things we said to each other…
- I have… Um… I remember some things that you told me and it's like- some of them just get a whole new meaning now… Like, remember when you gave me this one? – she grabbed the little golden star hanging from her necklace and pulled it forward, showing it – you au said that you believed in me even if you couldn't be with me… Or when you gave me this… -she made a flourish with the paper she was holding – you said that no matter where you were, you'd always be watching after me… - her voice cracked and she sobbed - And I believe you are honey, so thank you. And when we were- right before I came here, you told me I'd be a star without you and… I keep thinking that there's no way I would have made it without your help, Finn… You were the one that was always there for me and believed in me even when I didn't believe myself, the one who took the time to know me instead of disliking me right away, the one who liked the things in myself that no one else liked, not even me, the one who I called to ask for a song recommendation for my audition… And there hasn't been a moment where I missed you as much as I do when I accomplish something regarding my career… You're the first one I always think about in moments like that, you're the first one I want to share the news with, whether it's a new song that I learned or a subject I passed at school, the first thing that comes to my mind is "I have to tell Finn about this!", sometimes I even reach for my phone… And then I remember… It feels like it sinks in all over again… And I feel like I'll never be home again…
My home isn't some place, it's some one… It's you.
- You always were my home, Finn, and I feel homeless now. You were always my safe place, my happy place… And now, in moments like this I just don't know where to go or what to do…
She closed her eyes and rested her head on the railing again, not bothering on wiping her tears anymore.
She suddenly opened her eyes and focused on her star again.
- I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything I said or did that made you mad or upset or… I don't know, I just… I look back and I hate all the time we lost over stupid fights and- But I still cherish every single moment we spent together, and I wouldn't trade any of that for the world… I hope I made you at least half as happy as you made me, Finn… Somehow I feel I did.
Her crying dissolved into sobs and she tried to calm herself down yet again, almost uselessly. She breathed deeply before she talked to her star one more time.
- I'm sorry, I shouldn't- I don't want to cry like this, I don't want to make you sad… I think you miss us, too… But I hope you're happy up there… Maybe you even met your daddy… He must be so proud of you… I hope you have a cool set of drums, too… You know, when it's thundering, I like to think that's you, maybe even playing your drums for us… If I'm right, thank you for those concerts. – She smiled shortly.
After remaining silent for a few moments, just thinking, she suddenly stood up and went inside tip-toeing, and came back with a notebook and a pen. She started to scribble on the paper rapidly, like the words in her mind would disappear if she didn't write fast enoguh. For a moment, she paused to look at the sky, only to resume her scribbling, crossing out some words occasionally, and replacing them with new ones.
When she finally felt like she had captured all of her thoughts on the paper and was content with the result, she flexed her fingers a couple of times to relax her hands, and then looked up again.
- This one's for you… Well, not that I write a lot of songs actually… I wish you were here to help me put music to it… - she sighed – Anyway… You wanna listen to it? It's not like "My headband", I promise… I… definitely accessed my pain so… Here it goes…
She started reading; half sing-song spoken, half cried.
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
the pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone
the face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone
the words I need to hear to always get me through
the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before.
Everything that I do reminds me of you
and the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
and they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
the pieces of my heart are missing you.
And when you're gone
the face I came to know is missing too.
And when you're gone
all the words I need to hear to always get me through
the day and make it ok
I miss you.
We were made for each other
out here forever
I know we were.
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
everything I'd do I'd give my heart and soul.
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me.
When you're gone
the pieces of my heart are missing you
and when you're gone
the face I came to know is missing too
and when you're gone
all the words I need to hear will always get me through
the day and make it ok
I miss you
- Were you singing, Berry?
Rachel startled a bit, but then she wiped her tears and looked up at Puck.
- Go to sleep, Noah, you're wasted.
- Huh, actually, I'm not- are you crying, Rachel?
She went on actress mode.
- No, I'm not. I don't mean this in a bad way, but would you just leave me alone, please?
- Then what the hell are you- Hey did someone do something to you? Because I can kick- - he walked closer to her and saw the box next to her and suddenly understood – Oh…
- Yeah…
He sat down next to her.
- Are you ok?
- I don't know… I just couldn't sleep… Are you?
He took a deep breath before he spoke.
- I miss him a lot… I have good days, I have shitty days… I don't know… He was like a dad to me, or something. He always knew what to say… He taught me about forgiveness and about being a man…
- We were all better people around him… I think the best we can do to thank him for that is keep trying to be better people, right?
- Not that easy, Rach…
She looked at him, a reassuring smile on her face.
- He'll help you. And I think he's worth the effort.
- You're right… Is that what you talk about with him? Being better?
- Not always… I mostly, you know, cry… and apologize…
- For crying?
- Yes… And for everything. Every stupid fight that we had (that were mostly started by me), they were just… wasted time… Maybe if I had known… maybe it would have been different…
She started tearing up again and he put his arm around her shoulders.
- No one could have known, you don't expect people our age to die…
She hugged her own body tightly while sighing. They remained silent for a few moments, until Rachel was able to talk again, and tried to change the subject.
- You really are not drunk.
- Told you I wasn't! I promised coach Beiste I would stop drinking… She caught me, like, totally wasted when we all went to Lima… We actually had a similar conversation to the one we're having right now… "You have to be your own quarterback now". That's what she told me.
- And she was right…
After about a minute of silence, she spoke again. She knew she wouldn't get a completely honest answer if she asked in a different context.
- Are you going to visit Shelby and Beth now that you are in the Big Apple?
- Um… I'm not sure…
- They'd like you to.
- You think?
- Of course! She did tell you she wanted you and Quinn to be a part of Beth's life, right?
- Yeah, but still…
- Do you want to see Beth?
- Definitely…
- What are you waiting for, then?
- I don't know… it would be awkward… It's been a long time… What if she hates me?
She could see the real concern in him.
- Look, I can tell by myself what is like to grow up believing one of your parents abandoned you… Well, you kinda do, too… You don't want Beth to feel that way… - she was quiet for a few seconds, before she talked again – Besides, if there's something that I learned from all this – she looked to her box unconsciously - is that we need to hold on to the opportunities that show up in front of us… There's no point in being ashamed or scared of something… We don't always get second chances…
- Why do you say that? I mean, is there something you didn't-
- I never got to tell him I got the part… - she interrupted – I know I wouldn't have got it without him and… I never got to thank him for everything he did for me…
- I think he knows, Rach… - He put his arm around her again, and squeezed a little to comfort her. – Well I think I'm gonna leave you alone and go to sleep now… I don't want Shelby to think I'm hungover just because I didn't sleep well – he said while getting up, and then winked at her.
She smiled proudly at him, knowing that he meant he would actually visit Beth
- Yeah, I think I'm gonna go too…
Puck waited for her while she started putting her stuff back in the box.
She grabbed the picture of him that used to be in her locker and smiled at it one more time.
And right when she did, she heard thunders.
She startled, looking at the sky.
She thumbed his smile.
Thunders again.
She looked at the sky, unbelievingly.
You are here.
- Is everything ok, Berry?
He's here.
- He's here.
More thunders.
- What?
Her eyes were full of tears once more.
- Finn, Noah! Don't you hear the thunders? He's here, I can feel it!
He looked at her, a little confused, when he was startled by another set of thunders.
- See? It's him! You don't believe me?
He smiled and walked to her again.
- Yeah, I do… Maybe he wants to tell you "congratulations", and "you're welcome".
She looked up at him with questioning eyes.
- You think?
- Or maybe he's like "You're talking too much, Berry, go to sleep".
She hit his arm.
- Hey!
- Kidding. He's totally proud of you, I'm sure. Maybe when it rains, it's just him drooling because of you.
She intended to protest but the thunders muffled her voice. Puck laughed.
- See? He agrees!
Rachel blushed and looked down. Then, she looked at Puck again.
- Thanks Noah.
Thanks Finn.
- Always… Now let's go inside before it starts drooling- I mean, raining.
She giggled and walked inside after Puck, saying nothing. When he went to the bathroom, she turned around and looked out the window one last time, before she whispered.
- Goodnight, honey, thank you again for everything.
She walked to her room and got into bed, the sound of thunders and raindrops lulling her to sleep.
A/N: The song Rachel writes is actually Avril Lavigne's "When you're gone".