Steven
I miss you.
There's not a minute of any day when you are not in my head, I told you that once before and I meant it. Every second I'm not with you is another lost, every breathe I take is one not taken with you.
At night I torture myself with thoughts of you lying next to me, your skinny frame entangled somehow around me, your hot breathe on my face, the fluttering of those beautiful eyelashes against my neck, the soft whispered kisses on my lips. I gladly take this sweet torture, the glimpses of you in my dreams are all I have and I will keep them safe for all the days of my life.
Its three years, three years since we finally got there you and me, why did I waste so long? That wasted time is another one of my punishments. I can never tell you how grateful I am that you were the brave one and decided that we should stop the merry go round and finally be together. There are no words to describe how I felt kissing you on that bridge, it was like my life had finally started that something new and rare had been breathed into me, it was you, my light.
For a while there I really thought we had it, you me Leah and Lucas, the family I never had, the children I so badly wanted to be a good father to, a man, the man I love to the ends of the earth, warmth, safely, happiness. You made me happy, do you know that? I can't remember if I ever told you. You brought my life into shinning focus, you make my heart beat stronger, you make me feel as though I am a good person.
As I sit here now nearing Christmas I let my imagination take me to what we could have been, I picture you and me happy, our two children and the boys sharing a loving family home bickering over presents, eating too much, wrapped up watching Christmas films, you smiling and me kissing you at every god given opportunity, I picture all the things I spent so long fighting against.
I am thankful for that short time we had together, I am thankful to god for putting you on this earth and sending you in my direction.
I know in the end too much was against us, we weren't meant to be, maybe all we were supposed to be was fleeting, a small moment in time that burnt the brightest of flames but in the end was always destined to turn to ashes.
In my unselfish moments I hope that you are happy and that you are living a full and wonderful life, the life that I want for you and do truly deserve. But you know me Steven those moments are rare, my selfish side hopes beyond hope that you think of me just as much and when I am dreaming of you you in turn are dreaming of me. I still want to be yours, you will always and only be mine.
One day I will see you again, our paths have been aligned far too many times for me not to believe that something will make that happen. I will make it up to you, I will show you love, cherish you and adore you, I will make you believe in me again. I will give you everything and more.
You and only you Steven are what keeps me alive, I love you and always will.
Forever Brendan
Brendan delicately folds the letter and places it safely at the back of his Bible next to his only picture of his Steven.