Author's note: I tried my best. This is my first foray into comedy. Please review and enjoy! - SV
The Red Light
"Who wants some Draven?!"
Darius felt like he was aging ten years with every passing minute.
How did Draven even get himself into this show?
He regretted with every fiber of his seven foot being ever making that bet.
That's the last fucking time I'm drinking with Draven.
He looked to his side and saw Talon Du Couteau with a similarly sour expression.
He watched as his brother all but strutted towards the stage right before the curtains were coming up.
He ran his hands through his temples thinking that the sounds of the whooping female mob were going to give him a stroke.
Kindred take me now...
Two nights before...
"And then—and then—he tried to beg for his life," laughed Draven, unable to continue his tale any more.
Talon was out cold, mouth agape beside him on the bar table.
Gragas' brew was stronger than any home-made Noxian moonshine, that was for sure.
"This would be somewhat funny if you hadn't told it ten times in the past hour, damnit," growled Darius.
Even Darius found it hard to be composed, and yet even in his semi-drunken state he found it amazing that Draven could manage to irritate him so.
How? How are we brothers? Darius lamented.
"D'aww...big brother," Draven teased.
He was drunk beyond reason, "You gotta learn to lighten up, big guy!"
The elder of the famous Blood Brothers simply scowled and bellowed for another round.
"I know how to lighten up damn it," Darius growled, draining his mug in one angry gulp.
Draven raised a lopsided eyebrow and showed a toothy grin, "You're more wasted than I am, Darius. That ain't what Draven is talking about."
Draven put an emphasis on saying Draven. It needed to have that certain level of Draven that only Draven himself can give.
"I AM NOT!" roared Darius who was red as a beet, "what foolishness are you talking about?"
"Tsk tsk...how will you attract the ladies with that kind of attitude. Notice how...Draven does it," and the younger brother laughed out loud.
"Bah," Darius spat, "I take any woman who catches my fancy, brother. STRENGTH AND POWER! That is my charm."
Draven drained his next mug and ridiculed his elder brother through bloodshot eyes.
"Pitiful...I can do so much better."
Perhaps it was the strength of the brew, perhaps it was his desire to humiliate his obnoxious little brother, but a rare, mischievous idea had come into life in Darius' intoxicated mind.
"Better huh?" he belched, "Want to bet?"
Draven laughed a little too much and ended up slapping Talon in the nose. Thankfully, the assassin was as numb to the world as ever.
"Draven always wins, Darius. You know that."
Darius allowed himself a rare—albeit red-faced smirk. The seven foot warrior then violently shook the unconscious Talon until he came to.
Talon groaned with eyes out of focus, mumbling incoherently.
"There...we have a witness!" Darius laughed, "in two nights it will be the Solstice holiday, right?"
Draven nodded in a drunk sneer.
"Then you know about how most of the female champions are going for a "Girls' Night Out" at the XXXquisite that same night?"
"Yes, bro...Draven knows", said Draven, poking a semi-conscious Talon in the ear with one of the decorative feathers on his outrageous outfit, "Draven always knows."
"Then prove to me—and Talon—that Draven is more than just the Glorious Executioner...you have to do a routine. A full show. Do we shake on it? If you win, you prove me wrong about how to charm women, and if I win, you—"
Darius had meant his wager, then realized what the hell he had to gain from it.
He half expected—no hoped—Draven to turn away with a usual pigheaded excuse.
But in his intoxicated state forgot that this was Draven he was talking to.
A drunk Draven to be exact.
To Darius' despair, Draven not only shook his elder brother's hand, but had also turned on a small recording device that got Darius' original wager word-per-word.
To make matters worse, Draven stood atop the bar table for the entire pub to see and hear.
"DRAVEN WILL DO THEM ALL!" Draven hollered.
At the back of what was left of his mind, Darius was already regretting making the bet.
What have I done?
He looked to Talon as if expecting him to object to what the entire pub had just heard.
Talon groggily returned his gaze and suddenly showered him with a flood of vomit.
The ladies in attendance—Champions of the League and otherwise—were demanding more and more and more.
Set in the XXXquisite, the highest end nightclub in Runeterra that catered to a mostly female clientele always threw out their best shows on special holidays like the Solstice.
The performers there were renowned to be—ahem—'the husbands that these ladies never had'
And so far, every performer had pleased the riotous female bonanza to boiling point.
But now it was late, and the last of the night's performers was scheduled to go on.
The infamous Red Light Show.
The act billed for the Solstice was the renowned professional known as Mike the Mage.
"All right, all right, all right! Are you ready, Ladies of Valoran?" the emcee teased on his microphone.
The crowd exploded into a frenzy.
When the raucousness died down after some time, the emcee continued.
"We've got a surprise act for you, tonight! Get ready ladies...this man has sworn to burn the pants off of you!"
The electricity in the room was palpable as the emcee signalled for what was to be the last show of the night!
Though Draven had been drunk at the time he had made that bet, he couldn't deny making the bet.
He had all but announced to the world he was going to be the main act of that night.
It would make a for a welcome change anyway from his usual routine.
Also, he did make a dashing sight in the sequined, sleeveless open-chested dinner jacket, scarlet bowtie, tight black leather pants and slicked back hair he had sported for the occasion.
Perfection? I got plenty of that.
Draven would know.
Draven had spent that whole evening admiring himself in his full length mirror right before the show started.
Draven is what all the ladies need.
He looked to the side of the stage where Darius and Talon watched him with hilariously flabbergasted faces.
Heh that makes it worth, he smiled toothily.
He bowed his head, smile and axes at the ready as the curtains began to part and the mob of females came into view.
This is gonna be good!