Letting Go of Someday
By Misha
Disclaimer- Neither the song or the characters are mine, they belong to people with more money and more talent than me. I'm not making any money off this, so please don't sue me.
A.N- I heard the song "What Might Have Been" by Diamond Rio and just had to write a Stephanie Plum fanfic to it. I started out trying to write one where she'd picked Ranger, but that wouldn't work and then I decided to leave the identity of the man blank and I still couldn't do it. In the end, I had to accept that this was meant to be an angsty Ranger/Steph fic, as much as I love them, they weren't going to get a HEA this time. This is set about ten years in the future and is very much angsty Babe. Tissues might be needed.
Pairings- Ranger/Stephanie, some Morelli/Stephanie.
Summery- Ten years after making her choice, Stephanie Plum runs into the man she didn't choose and must contemplate what might have been. Major Babe angst.
Spoilers- Up to "Finger Lickin' Fifteen".
Rating- PG-13
Somehow, I knew I'd run into him when I returned to Trenton, maybe that was what had kept me away for so long.
Oh, I'd visited before, of course, but those were brief visits, just on holidays and never lasted longer than 48 hours and I never saw anyone other than my family and Mary Lou. I'd like to say I didn't do it on purpose, that it was just the pitfalls of a busy life and living so far away, but maybe it was also because I wasn't ready to face him.
Coming back this time, was different, and from the moment I stepped back in Trenton, I knew I'd see him again.
This was a longer visit, I was here for two weeks, for the saddest of reasons. I'd come back to be with Grandma Mazur in her last days and would stay for the funeral and for a little while after, just to help out.
It was strange to think that Grandma was dead, I guess apart of me thought she'd live forever. She'd been a constant in my life, one person who always supported me through everything and it'd be hard to leave her behind when I left Trenton, but she often came and stayed with me and my family--much to my husband's chagrin. Still, he once told me that the fact that he could tolerate my grandmother was a sign that he was the man for me and I'd taken him at his word and tried his patience a few times, I'm sure, but he took it all in stride. I married a good man.
Yes, I, Stephanie Plum, the so-called Bombshell Bounty Hunter, actually got married. After four years of going back and forth between the two men in my life, I finally made my choice and picked one man and left the other behind and that's why, for the first time in ten years, there I was, standing, looking into the warm brown eyes of the man I'd left behind.
I'd gone by Vinnie's, just for old times sake, or rather the building where the bond office used to be. Vinnie packed up and moved on a few years back when Lucille insisted that he retire somewhere nice, but by that point I was long gone and so were Connie and Lula, we'd all gotten married and quit the Bonds office, so even if Vinnie had kept running it, it wouldn't have been the same.
Still, that building held a lot of memories of some of the best and worst days of my life and I'd found myself drawn to the abandoned building and the alley behind it and by some twist of fate, he appeared out of nowhere, just like he always used to do.
Maybe that was why I'd come there, because I knew he'd follow, or if not that... Maybe it was just because, though I normally tried not to, I just wanted to remember the time he and I had had together.
Standing there, watching him, neither of us saying a word, I couldn't stop the memories from flooding back and for a moment, I was back in that alley, all those years ago...
//Ranger pulled me out of the Bond Office into the alley, not that I was protesting, in fact far from--I went willing, very willingly. Turns out, I liked being in the alley with Ranger, as shameful as that might make me. "I've got a distraction for you tomorrow." He said, pushing me up against the wall. "You interested?" "In the job or in you?" I asked coyly. The last couple weeks, I'd gotten bolder and bolder with Ranger. Morelli and I were trapped in the same old rut and I couldn't help but want to test the waters. I knew that Ranger would never offer me a future, but part of me was starting to think that even if we'd never have forever, maybe a day wouldn't be too bad. At least then I'd be able to get him out of my system. Maybe. "Babe." Ranger said in a warning voice. I just smiled at him and, taking it as the invitation it was, Ranger lowered his mouth to mine, plundering it was his tongue. I willing surrendered to his invasion, moulding my body to his, eager for his touch... I knew I wouldn't get fulfilment, at least not at that moment, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that, but it was fun to push the boundaries, even if I was playing with fire and would almost certainly get burnt...//
Ten years hadn't erased him from my heart, not even close, and from the look in his eyes, the years hadn't erased the pain I'd caused him when I'd chosen someone else. It hurt like hell to hear him call me Stephanie, since he never used to call me that. Back then, I was always "Babe" to him, but those days were long gone and I guess I stopped being his Babe the day I agreed to marry Morelli and move out of Trenton with him.
"Ranger." I whispered, trying to fight the tightness in my chest as I looked up at the man in black. "Long time no see."
"I heard you were back in Trenton." He said quietly. "I'm sorry about your grandmother." He paused and gave me one of those almost-smiles that used to drive me crazy. "It's hard to believe she's gone, I honestly thought she'd live forever, terrorising men everywhere."
I laughed, remembering how Grandma used to torment him and his men with comments about their packages and her attempts to grab their asses.
After a moment, I stopped laughing and gazed up at him. "You look good." I told him softly, thinking good was too mild of a word. He'd barely changed at all, just a few wrinkles and a couple grey hairs, otherwise he was the same old Ranger. Maybe that was so strange, he was basically the same and we were in the same old spot, but so many years had passed and I was so different, both physically and emotionally.
"So do you." Ranger told me, giving me a look that told me he didn't mind the few grey hairs and the twenty extra pounds I'd never been able to shed after having babies.
We stood there for a long moment, just looking at each other; each of us soaking in the sight of the other, neither of us sure just what to say.
Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind..."Do you ever think about those days?" I asked him finally, eager to break up the silence.
"Yes." Short and to the point, that was Ranger, still the man of little words. As much as that habit used to annoy me, it was comforting a now, a sign that at least some things would never change.
"Do you?" He asked me after a moment. I froze, not expecting the question nor the hint of wistfulness in Ranger's voice.
Who knew that Batman could do wistful? I wanted to laugh at the question, of course I thought about Ranger, after all my feelings had never been in question and just because I'd been the one to walk away, didn't mean, I didn't care.
My time with Ranger wasn't something that I was ever going to forget, but honestly, I didn't let myself think about those days too often, because it hurt too much.
But, oh, yes, I remember every moment we'd spend together, especially the big ones... The ones that changed our relationship and would haunt me for the rest of my life...
//"You sure about this Babe?" Ranger asked, his hands paused at the hem of my t-shirt. "If you're not, speak now." I had to smile, Ranger wasn't he opportunist he always claimed to be, because here he was offering me a way out when I'd finally decided to give into him. It actually boosted my confidence about my decision, the fact that he cared about me enough to make sure I was sure. It proved that it was more than just sex. I'd finally decided that if Morelli and I were going to continue to do our off and on thing, then there was no reason for me to continue pushing Ranger away, at least during off phases. It wasn't like he was offering me anything permanent anyway, so I wasn't leading him on, and after all these years, resisting him was getting harder. Plus, I knew that Joe wasn't spending our off-time alone, so why should I? I didn't blame Joe, after all we were off a lot these days and really that was because of me. I was so torn about my feelings that I'd pushed Joe aside, mainly because I'd decided that I needed to sort out how I felt about Joe and about Ranger. Morelli understood, reluctantly, and was giving me the space I needed, which was how I'd ended up in Ranger's apartment, ready to act on the feelings that had simmered between us for a long time. "I'm sure." I told him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him towards me for a kiss. "We're going to do this and it's going to be amazing." Ranger grinned at my words and kissed me again, a deep, soul-searing kiss that left no doubt about what the next step was for us. Maybe I'd regret it in the morning, but maybe not and I knew for certain that if I didn't do it, I'd regret it for the rest of my life...//
"Every once in a while." I told him softly, answering his question. "But it's been a long time and I find it's not productive to waste thoughts and energy on what might have been, you know?"
"Yeah." Ranger said softly. HIs eyes were glued to my face, as if he couldn't believe I was really there. He reached out and pushed a stray hair out of my face. "I know."
A part of me thrilled at even the slightest contact and wanted him to push me up against the wall and kiss me senseless like he used to do, but... I knew that was a bad idea. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm married and I'm a mother and I love Joe too much to do that to him.
To commit to a life with Joe, to truly choose him, I'd had to let go of Ranger and any hopes of a future with him. It had been the most painful decision of my life, but I'd done it and for the most part, I had no regrets.
Yet... Seeing him again, looking to his eyes and hearing his voice, it brought back all the memories I'd tried to forget, all the what might have beens that I never let myself think about.
For a moment, as we stood there, watching each other, I wasn't Stephanie Morelli, stay at home mom of four, but, for a moment, I was Stephanie Plum, the bounty hunter hell, again. Yet, it was just an illusion and the was, those days were long over.
I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
"To be perfectly honest, I try not to think about you, about our time together." I confessed, fiddling with the piece of hair that he'd touched.
I could see a pained look in his eyes before that familiar mask clamped down and I rushed to explain. "Because every time I do, I start thinking about what might have been and those thoughts just destroy me." I told him, my voice heavy with emotion.
"Babe."
It was just word, but like always it conveyed so much. In that word I heard his pain, his regret and his longing and knew that I wasn't the only one occasionally haunted by thoughts of what might have been.
"Did you ever get married, Ranger?" I asked softly. "Were you able to find your 'someday'?"
I honestly didn't know because I'd heard nothing about Ranger from the moment I'd left Trenton ten years ago, to the moment he approached me in the alley a few minutes before. Part of it was because I'd lost touch with my old friends in Trenton and didn't know any of the local gossip anymore, but mainly it as because news of Ranger had hurt too much and my friends had known that and kept silent. I think they knew that to truly commit to a life with Joe, I had to forget about Ranger once and for all.
So, I had no clue what Ranger's life had been like for the last ten years. Hell, he could be the father of five for all I knew. I think that was one of the reasons I never wanted to hear any news about him, because I always feared that he'd give another woman what he couldn't give me.
"No." He told me quietly, looking deep into my eyes. "I told you, Babe, I'm not family material and without you, 'someday' lost it's appeal."
Selfishly, I was relieve to hear it, that it wasn't that he didn't love me enough to change, but that he just wasn't capable of it. Yet, it made me sad, because Ranger deserved to be happy and I guess, I'd always hoped that, even if it wasn't with me, he'd find the 'someday' that he occasionally spoke of and which I know that deep down, he longed for...
//"What does this mean?" Ranger asked me the morning after our second night together. He was standing at the foot of the bed, already dressed, looking down at me, while I lounged naked in his glorious bed. I shrugged. "What do you want it to mean?" I asked. Honestly, I wasn't sure what it meant. I'd slept with Ranger because I was tired of dancing around the issue, but there was still Morelli and I honestly didn't know where I went from there. The sex had been amazing, but Ranger didn't do relationships, as he'd reminded me so often through the years. "I can't make any promises, Babe." Ranger told me softly. "And I'm willing to bet you can't either, since I doubt that Morelli is out of your life forever." "No." I admitted. "It bothers me, more than I like, but it's probably a good thing." Ranger told me. "I can't be the only man for you, because I can't offer you much more than what I gave you last night and what we already had." Basically he was saying he could be my friend, my lover and my protector, but it'd never go any deeper than that. He'd shares his resources, his bed, but not his secrets. "Do you think it'll ever be able to change?" I asked him softly. Ranger shot me a sad smile. "Maybe someday, Babe." He paused and looked at me, his expression serious. "That's all I can offer you, some vague hope of 'Someday'. Is that enough for you?" Someday was better than never, especially since I wasn't in any position to commit to anything permanent either, not until I could make up my mind which man I really wanted. "For now." I told him, not willing to give an absolute answer. "Then for now, when Morelli's not in your bed, I will be and we'll see where this takes us." Ranger told me and then to my surprise, he dropped his gun belt and stripped off his t-shirt and joined me in the bed. "I thought you had to work." I questioned as he gathered me in his arms. "Work can wait, you can't." Ranger told me, before claiming mouth in a passionate kiss . After that all conversations were forgotten as we got distracted by other things...//
At that point in my life, I really was willing to accept what Ranger could offer, but there came a time when I needed more than he could give me.
"You could have changed." I said after a moment, trying to keep my voice light.
"No." He told me flatly. "If I could have changed, I would have and you wouldn't be married to Morelli, you'd be married to me instead."
It was a shock to hear him the voice the same thoughts that often haunted me, or at least that haunted me when I let them.
"That sounds an awful lot like a 'what might have been'." I said softly, trying to stop the sad thoughts. "And those are dangerous, because there's no way to know what would have happened, what our lives would have been like if we'd done things differently and it's easy to go mad, pining for something that might have been, but never was."
I'd adopted that philosophy the first year of my marriage, when I'd realized I wasted too many nights, unable to sleep because my mind couldn't help but obsess over whether things could have been different and honestly, I don't know that they would have been.
Would I have left Joe for Ranger, if Ranger had been ready to offer me forever? It would be easy to say no, of course not, that I didn't pick Joe as a consolation prize, but because I loved him and he was the one I was meant to be with and there's a lot of truth in that, but it's not that simple...
Once upon a time, I'd loved them both equally, each of them owning a different part of my heart and soul, and choosing between them had been the hardest choice I'd ever made, and that was with only one of them really being a choice. There was no way of knowing what I would have done, if I'd truly had to choose, and thinking about it only made me sad and made me think about things I couldn't change, even if I wanted too.
We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...
"I really did love you, Babe." Ranger said quietly, breaking into my thoughts. "And I really do wish that things could have been different, that we could have had our someday."
"I know." I told him, giving him a sad little smile. "Sometimes I wish I didn't, because it would have made it all easier."
Telling Ranger that I was marrying Joe and leaving Trenton was still the hardest thing I'd ever had to do and ten years later, the memory of it still made my throat clog and my eyes water.
"I can't do this." I told him, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall. I couldn't cry over what might have been, I'd already done that too many times. "We both know that we could stand here all night, rehashing our time together and wondering what we could have had, but it won't change anything."
He was silent, big surprise, after all Ranger had always been a man of few words.
"Ranger, we both knew that it was was going to end the way it did, after all you warned me from the start that your life wasn't cut out for relationships." I reminded him softly. "Maybe we both fooled ourselves for a while that it could be different, that we'd have our someday, but it wasn't. It couldn't be."
I'd accepted that a long time ago, Ranger had never made me any promises, never offered me false hope--I did that all by myself and yet... It was hard to regret any of our time together.
"Was it really so bad, back then?" Ranger asked me quietly, his dark eyes serious.
"No." I told him with a sad little smile. "Far from in, in fact. Sometimes, I think the best days of my life were the ones I spent with you, but that was a long time ago."
I felt like a horrible person, a horrible mother for even thinking that, let alone saying it out loud, but it was true. Since I'd married Joe, I'd settled down and grown up, but I'd left a big part of myself behind and I missed the days when I at least attempted to fly and I missed the man who did his best to help me achieve that dream.
Joe loved me, but all the time we were together before we got married, he was just waiting for me to grow up and be what he wanted me to be, Ranger loved me just the way I was and did his best to help me fly...
//"I've got a surprise for you, Babe." Ranger said and I could see some excitement in his eyes, though he hid it well and then clued me to the fact that he was up to something big. After all, Ranger didn't do obvious emotion. So it had to be good surprise to have him showing even a hint of excitement. "Oh?" I asked eagerly. I loved surprises. "What is it?" Ranger just gave me an almost smile and handed me an envelope. I took it and opened it, my jaw falling when I saw what it was. "You signed me up for skydiving lessons?" I asked in disbelief. "I know someone who offers private lessons and well, I know you always wanted to fly and this is safer than jumping off your parents roof." Ranger told me. I couldn't believe it. All my life, people had been trying to stop me from flying and here was Ranger, offering me the chance. Of course, I'm a wimp and jumping out a plane was pretty damned scary... "I'll be right there with you." Ranger assured me and I realized that I'd spoken out loud again. I really needed to stop doing that. "So what do you say, Babe, do you want to fly?" "Yes!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around Ranger. I beamed up at him, wondering how I'd gotten lucky enough to have someone in my life who understood me so well. Sure, this couldn't last forever and Ranger could never offer me permanence, but for now, I just appreciated him for what he was and for what he gave me: the chance to truly be myself.//
"Those were the best days of my life too, Babe." Ranger told me quietly, interrupting my reverie. "For a moment, with you, I allowed myself to wish things could be different. I've never done that before or since."
It shouldn't have meant so much, that Ranger had thought about changing who he was for me, after all he hadn't. But from Ranger, the fact that he'd even thought about it meant more than I could ever put into words.
It meant that he really had cared, that he'd at least contemplated a future with me, even though he knew it couldn't happen. He couldn't give me everything, but he'd given me what he could and he'd wished that he could me more and in some odd way, that was enough.
So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
"It would have been amazing." I said, despite myself. "Our 'someday', I mean."
"It already was." Ranger told me. "Every moment I spent with you was extraordinary, Babe."
He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, a sign of how things had changed. In the old days, he would have kissed my mouth. Of course, back then I'd been as much his as Morelli's and he was allowed to kiss me, while these days I was a married woman and Ranger didn't poach, not really.
It was more than that, though. It felt different. It used to be that being this close to Ranger would make me all hot and bothered and while he was still sexy and I appreciated that, mostly it just evoked remembered feelings. I really was a happily married woman and as sexy as Ranger still wasn't, it wasn't worth throwing away what Joe and I had.
"But, yes, if we'd had our chance, I'm sure it would have been... Better than words could ever describe." Ranger told me huskily.
I paused for a moment, attempting to picture a lifetime with Ranger. It would have been fantastic that's for sure, because every moment we had together had been amazing. //"You look beautiful, Babe." Ranger said as he arrived to pick me up for a dinner date. Yes, Batman was taking me on a real date. One advantage to seeing two men, was that they stepped up their ball game. Joe and I had actually been going out lately too, not just staying at his place eating pizza and watching the Rangers game. I guess the fact that I was seeing Ranger had made him take this courting thing, seriously. Yes, I was dating them both and for the moment it was working for us, though I know Joe wasn't crazy about the situation. I also knew it wouldn't last forever, so I was going to enjoy it while I did, because sooner or later I knew I'd have to make the impossible choice... Brushing those thoughts aside, I twirled in my red dress, beaming at his compliments. We were going out for Cuban food and Latin dancing, so I thought red was just the colour for me and, of course, I'd bought a pair of gorgeous FMPs to go with the dress. How could I not? "You don't look too bad yourself." I said, taking in the sight before me. Ranger was always gorgeous, but dressed up Ranger was something truly special. "Thanks Babe." Ranger told me with a smile. He held out his hand. "Ready to go dance the night away?" "I still can't picture you dancing." I told him as I took his hand. "I didn't think you'd relax enough for that." "For you, Babe, I'd do anything." He told me softly, looking deep into my eyes. I fought the quick pang at his words, because we both they weren't truth, because there were some things he couldn't do, no matter how much he might want to. Still, I wasn't going to let thoughts like that intrude and ruin my night, after all I had a sexy man who was willing to take me dancing, that had to be enough for now, I could worry about everything else later...//
"We're talking might have been again." I pointed out in a shaky voice. This conversation and the memories it was evoking were destroying me. "I'm not that girl anymore and we'll never know what might have been."
"True." Ranger agreed, then he shot me a rueful look. "You know, before you, I never looked back, I never allowed myself to have regrets and I certainly never wondered about what might have been. You changed that."
I knew how much that statement cost him, after all Ranger hated showing vulnerability, and how much it meant.
I wasn't the woman who tamed Batman, because she didn't exist, but I was the woman who made him wish he could be tamed and that was still saying something. To me, it just confirmed that what we had, really had been special, even if it hadn't been meant to last.
"'The saddest words of tongue or pen are simply these, it might have been'." Ranger quoted softly. "Until you, I never really understood what Whittier meant because I never wasted time on what might have been. Now, I understand those words all too well."
"Me too." I whispered, looking up at him. Thoughts of what might have been have tortured me through the years, whenever I let them. Those painful thoughts of a life that never got to be lived, a love that never got thrive.
I looked up at Ranger and for a moment, despite my love for my husband and my kids, I couldn't help but wish that things had been different and that I hadn't walked away from him all those years ago. That we'd had more than a few memories and a million what might have beens...
That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say good bye, and turn and walk away...
As Ranger and I stood there in that alley, just staring at one another, I noticed the darkening sky and realized how long we'd been standing there. An hour at least.
It was a beautiful night, that was for sure. The kind of night meant for this sort of reunion. As I looked at Ranger and saw the look in his eyes, that old familiar look, it was so easy to believe, for a moment, that no time had passed since our last encounter in this alley.
But in reality ten years had gone by and it was too late for these kind of moments. Yet, even as I thought it, I still didn't make any move to leave the alley, to return to Joe and our kids and my life. Instead, I stayed there, looking up at Ranger and remembering what used to be.
"Are you happy?" He asked me after a moment.
"I am." I said instantly, not even having to think about it.
For all that I had regrets about not choosing Ranger, I really did love Joe and I loved being his wife. It was the problem of being in love with two men, eventually you had to choose and you were always going to regret the one you didn't choose, it was only natural.
If I'd picked Ranger all those years ago, I knew I'd have been left wondering what Joe and I could have had. I'd known from the moment where I finally had to make a choice, that it wouldn't an easy one and that, I was going to have regrets either way...
//"Marry me." I stared in shock as Joe went down on one knee and held out the little blue box. "What?" I choked out, barely able to believe what I was hearing. Oh, Joe had tossed out the idea of marriage before, but this was different, this was a real proposal with flowers and a ring. "Marry me." He repeated. "I love you Stephanie and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "This is sudden." I said, not sure what else to say. "Is it?" Joe asked in disbelief. "I've made it clear for years that I wanted to marry you. I tried not to pressure you, I've given you space, Cupcake, I know you've been seeing Manoso and though it bugged me, I stayed silent because I wanted you to be sure, but I don't want to wait anymore. I love you and I want to marry you, so will you be my wife?" I looked at Joe, who was offering me everything a girl could want, and had to fight back tears. I wanted so badly to say, but I couldn't, not yet... Because as much as I wanted to say, to choose him, another prat of me wanted to choose Ranger. I couldn't agree to marry Joe on the spur of the moment, because if I did, then one day I'd seriously regret it and that wasn't fair to him. No, before I made my choice I had to be sure. "I need time." I whispered, hoping that Joe didn't hate me. "You can have it." He assured me, passing me the box. I took it, without even realizing what I was doing. "I'll give you some time, but Cupcake, I won't wait forever." Joe told me and then kissed me on the forehead. "Really think about what you want, because I think I can make you happy, that we can have a good life." A moment later he was gone, exiting my apartment before I could respond and maybe it was better that was way, because now I was alone with my thoughts. Somehow I had to figure out how to choose between the two men I loved more than life itself and decide which one was the one for me...//
Oh, I had a few regrets, which I think are only natural in that situation, bur I'd tried my best to put them behind me and go on with my life.
"I have four children." I told Ranger quietly, trying to drive home the point that years had passed and that I wasn't the woman he had known so long ago. "Joe Jr.'s eight, Anamaria is six, Franklin's three, and Sophia, our baby, she's thirteen months old."
"I bet she's beautiful, just like her Mama." Ranger told me quietly. "In fact, I bet all your kids are beautiful, how could they not be with you for a mother?"
I blushed, I've never gotten used to compliments on my physical appearance, especially not after I've had four babies.
"I'm glad you're happy, Babe, that you got everything that I always wanted to give you and couldn't." He told me quietly. "A good, safe life, a man loves you, kids... It's everything I always wanted for you, for you to be truly happy."
"I am." I told him softly. "Ranger, there'll never be a day where I don't love you, that's just not possible, but I really am happy and I have moved on. I have too many good things in my life, to waste my time with what might have beens."
My words sounded harsh than they were meant to be and I hope Ranger understood what I was trying to say. I'll never regret loving Ranger, but at the same time I don't regret choosing Joe either and I couldn't spend my entire life holding onto the idea of something that never really existed in the first place.
And try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know, what might have been
"I'm so glad that you're happy." He told me softly. "That thought kept me going all these years, without you. You weren't mine, but at least you were happy. I couldn't ask for more."
I felt tears prick my eyes. His love and concern were so evident in his face and voice. This man had loved me enough to just be grateful that I was happy, even if it was with someone else.
Ranger leaned down then and kissed me and I didn't object, instead I kissed him back. It wasn't a passionate kiss, but a good-bye. Not to our relationship, we'd had that kiss ten years ago, but to our mutual regrets and what might have been.
"For ten years, I've dreaded seeing you again." I confessed when the kiss ended. "But, really, it was what I needed all along."
I needed to see that Ranger was okay, more than to see with my own eyes that he hadn't changed, that he was always going to be the man I had loved, the man who would never offer me a future.
I'd always thought seeing Ranger again would hurt me badly and in a way it did, but it was also good to see him again, to have this moment.
"I'm just glad to see you happy, Babe." Ranger told me softly, his hand cupping my face. "I told you that all those years ago and I still mean it. I'm glad you found someone to give you everything I couldn't."
I nodded wordlessly, remembering the agony of that last conversation. Ranger hadn't made it hard on me, he hadn't screamed and yelled, not that he would. No, he'd just let me go with a kiss and told me he hoped I'd be happy and in some ways that was harder than any scene could ever have been.
He never made me feel bad about what I was doing, but let me go like he'd always known that someday he would have to. Looking back, maybe he did. Maybe Ranger accepted long before I did that someday was never going to come and that was why he let me walk out of his life so easily all those years ago...
//"You wanted to see me, Babe?" Ranger asked as he entered my apartment. After a week of hard deliberation, I'd finally made up my mind and I'd left Ranger a voice mail asking him to come by when he had a chance. I'd already talked to Joe. "Joe and I are getting married." I blurted out, unable to gently ease into it. Ranger just stood there, his face a complete mask, but what else did you expect from Batman? I could count on one hand the times I'd seen him exhibit real emotion outside the bedroom, it was the just the way he was. And it was the part of the reason I was walking away from him. "I hope you'll be happy." He said finally. "I assume you're quitting your job?" "Actually, we're leaving Trenton." I said quietly. "Joe was offered a job in Chicago, a promotion and he's going to take it. We're going to take it." I wasn't going to add that I'd encouraged Joe to take the job because I knew I couldn't stand to live in Trenton and run into Ranger. I'd made my choice and it had to be a clean one, to have a life with Joe, I had to let Ranger go completely. "Does he make you happy, Babe?" Ranger asked finally. He still hadn't moved an inch since I told him my news and he was just looking at me with those dark, compelling eyes, as if trying to read my very soul. "Yes." I answered honestly. "He does." "Good." Ranger said and then he took a step towards me. "I want you to be happy, Steph. I want you to have the world, I just wish I could have been the one to give it to you." "I guess 'someday' just couldn't come quick enough." I told him softly, choking up because as much as I love Joe, part of me still longed for Ranger. It was also that for a long time I'd held on to the idea that our someday would come and we'd be together and even though I was the one walking away, it was still hard to see that dream die. "I wish it could have." Ranger told me, cradling my chin in his hand. "For you, I wish I could have been a different man." "I never wanted you to be different, I loved you as you were." I told him, unable to fight the tears streaming down my face. It was true, as much as I wished Ranger could be different, I'm not sure I would have changed anything about him, not really. After all, I think I always knew he'd never be more than an interlude in my life, one beautiful moment before I grew up and settled down. "I really did love you, Babe." Ranger told me after a long moment. "In your own way right?" I asked, trying to smile. "In every way I knew how." Ranger told me before leaning down and capturing my lips in a passionate kiss. It was passionate, but it was also sad, because we both knew it was our last kiss. This was the end of our road. "I'll always love you." I told him softly when the kiss ended. I don't know why I was telling him that, but I felt like I had to. "I know." He told me softly. He didn't repeat the words, but he didn't have to, I knew how he felt. After all, love had never been our problem. "Be happy, Babe." I just nodded, unable to speak. Ranger leaned in and kissed my forehead. "Good-bye Babe." That was a first, Ranger saying good-bye. "Good-bye, Ranger." I whispered as he turned and walked away, a moment later he was gone and a chapter of my life had closed forever.//
It had taken me a long time to realize he hadn't meant that as an insult and to realize that I loved him that way as well.
Ranger ran a gentle hand over my face. "It was all I had to give you, but it was yours and it always will be."
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me, both of us overwhelmed by our emotional reunion. Yet, as Ranger held me, I realized how much things had changed. His arms no longer felt familiar and safe, like coming home.
Oh, I knew that Ranger'd never hut me, but at the same time, his arms were no longer my place to run. Our lives had changed a lot over the years and so had the feelings between us.
It was easy to wonder what might have been, but the truth is there's really no way to know. It's easy to think that the love you lever behind was the greatest love in the entire world, but for all I know it could have burnt out quickly, if we'd ever given it a chance.
Maybe Ranger and I would have had the love story of the millennium, but maybe we were never meant to be more than we were, one brilliant moment in time. There's no way for me to ever know.
With that thought, I finally pulled myself out of Ranger's arms. "I need to get going." I told him quietly. "Joe will be wondering where I am."
I hadn't told Joe where I was going, just that I wanted to visit some old places. I'm sure he wouldn't be surprised to learn where I'd gone or who I'd run into and, yes, I would tell him. I really have grown up and one part of growing up is that you don't keep secrets form your husband. He wouldn't like it, but he'd understand.
Ranger just nodded and let me go, something he'd perfected a long time ago. "Babe?" He asked after a moment.
"Yeah?" I asked, turning back to look at him.
"I'm glad you're happy." He said again, a sad, almost-wistful look on his handsome face.
"Me too." I told him and then I turned and walked away, leaving behind the man I'd once loved and all the what might have been that had haunted me for years.
There was no way for me to know what Ranger and I could have had, what we could have been, all I knew was what was and that I had a good life with a good man and that that meant more to me that some remembered dream that was never realized. It had to. After all, we have to live our lives in the here and now, not in thoughts of what might have been.
Yes, years ago, I'd been Stephanie Plum and Ranger had been a huge part of my life, but now a days I was Stephanie Morelli and he was just one more part of a past I'd left behind.
There was probably never going to be a day where I didn't have a little bit of regret about what might been, but seeing Ranger again had made me realize just how much things had changed. He'd always be important to me, but I really had moved on and let go.
I'm sure it's natural to wonder about the man left behind and the life that could been lived, but you can't let those thoughts rule your life. Not when you can never truly what might have been...
- The End