Monsters do not love.
That's the important thing, James had realized that long ago.
Monsters cannot love.
It is beyond their comprehension.
He sees it every day. He's surrounded by it. His mistress, Salem- She does not love. No, she merely plays at it as though it will be enough to make her feign humanity.
James knows fully well that it's not genuine- it's more for the benefit of her minions than it is for her own. Salem's twisted interpretation of love is nothing more than a tool that had been created for the sake of manipulation.
No, Salem did not love. She merely hissed ideas into people's ears to win their loyalty- their love.
Sometimes, James thought that he could appreciate it. In its own way, the mockery of emotion can become a crutch, something to cling onto when things were at their worst.
Most of the time, James can't though.
With a body like his, it's too hard to focus on anything other than the things that had broken him so easily so many times over. When his body was so far away from being human, imagining others in the emotional sense could become difficult. For James, there had always been a certain knowledge that told him that his body would always keep him apart from others in the ways that he wanted.
But Salem had given him life, and so he learned to adapt to her ways.
But no, monsters like her- like him could not love.
That was the thought that ran through his head as he walked away from her fortress out in the wastelands of the world. He walked through that landscape, and tried not to feel like he fit in so perfectly there. His clothing was convenient. It gave him safety from the prying eyes of humanity.
His assignment was a simple one. It was a basic intelligence gathering mission- go out into the world, locate Ozpin's agents, and return to Salem with a list of targets before moving on to the next part of the plans. James was a perfectly capable fighter, but natural charisma and intelligence made him well suited for work where he weaved himself into social circles. If he could make his way into upper class Atlesian society, then he could do anything.
James traveled day and night for quite some time, until he finally found his position and the first of his targets.
The man's name was Qrow Branwen, and James learned that he was just as beastly as James was, in his own way. Qrow's body hadn't been knit back together to bring him back from the absolute edges of life, though. No, he had powers that would bring him a little bit closer to being an animal than he was a man.
But unlike James, Qrow had the luxury where it was only temporary.
James had learned very quickly that his target was intelligent, but he had habits and relished in his vices. It was important to know the man's weaknesses, and so James tucked those things away in the back of his memory, if only because he thought that it would be of interest later.
His methods had to be shaped in a way so that he would be able to go ahead and keep Qrow close. What he ended up doing was feigning as though he was on a mission that was taking him on similar paths to Qrow's.
It wasn't technically lying.
Qrow didn't buy into it at first, and that was when James started to get desperate. He found ways to make his act more convincing, by finding ways by which he could arrive in villages ahead of time and do some odd jobs before Qrow even arrived. By doing that, James was able to create enough of a false reputation that Qrow bought into his lies.
James felt no guilt for it.
The two of them only met properly after the fifth instance of their work intersecting.
James' false mission dossier (of his own design- he was proud enough of it) had him ending his mission in the same location as Qrow's mission. There was barely a scrap of truth to it, but James was a good talker- he was able to convince Qrow with some nice words and a few glasses of whiskey. Getting the man drunk enough to listen was an easy task.
That's how he found himself in the same room in an inn as the other man. James set his things down on one of the two beds and watched as Qrow flopped down on the other one, a little too nonchalant and a little too relaxed.
Qrow Branwen had no idea that he was sharing a room with a monster.
"So, Jimmy.' Qrow said, catching James' attention and earning a frown for the nickname. "You and I are just going to work together until we hit Kuchinashi, right?"
"Yes." James replied, turning to face the other man. "It would be beneficial."
"Right." Qrow answered. He stared up at the ceiling with red eyes like he thought that there was going to be something there that could answer some of his questions or offer some sort of counsel. "So, any ground rules you need in place or-"
"Yes." James said calmly as he seated himself on the other bed. He didn't let himself get too comfortable there. Not yet. Probably not ever. James needed to be able to keep his distance from Qrow in any way that he could manage and the both of them seemed to be fully aware of that. "I prefer a certain level of... personal privacy." He raised his right hand, gloved as it was and wiggled his fingers in indication.
Qrow stared for a moment, and it was almost enough to make James growl or reach out to attack the man, but forced that feeling back. No matter how frustrating Qrow could get, James was sure that he was never going to be able to compare it to some of the people that he knew back in Atlas. Qrow was probably nothing like them.
"Got it." Qrow said finally, shrugging and leaning back into the bed. "So what's your deal anyways?" He asked, not bothering to look over at James. "Must be a big payoff to take you so far away from Atlas."
"It is." James said, finally allowing himself to lie down once he'd slipped out of his shoes. "It's a critical mission that I would rather not fail in."
"Good employer?"
James' mind flashed back to Salem, and he had to fight back the need to grimace. She'd saved his life, James had to remind himself. Salem gave him a chance to live, despite the fact that he was so different. He was going to serve and fight for her as needed.
Even if he didn't always agree with her methods or what she wanted from him.
"We'll just say that I owe her a lot." James said calmly with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
"Yeah, I get the feeling." Qrow said, closing his eyes and relaxing into his bed a little bit more. "Oz did a lot to help me get away from some really nasty shit, you know?" His hands dropped onto the mattress beside him. "Doesn't help with room and board while I'm working, but it's good enough."
James made a mental note to be sure to record that little conversation sometime so that he could go ahead and report it all back to Salem.
She would be glad to know that he'd found the first of their targets.
Salem's orders were to maintain his current course of action and stay close to Qrow. She claimed that it was necessary- she wanted for James to stick by the other man and possibly become a partner of sorts if Qrow would allow it. Her theory was that if James could win Qrow's trust enough, then he would be all but guaranteed a place within Ozpin's circle eventually.
James wasn't fully convinced, but he could go ahead and follow after Salem's orders anyways.
Besides, James thought against his better judgement, Qrow wasn't the worst company imaginable. He was certainly better than some of Salem's other agents.
It was only slightly concerning travelling with Qrow, though. James wasn't able to shake away certain thoughts that had been creeping up on the edge of his mind to tell him that he could be doing better on this mission. He was making the mistake of letting himself get attached to Qrow, and James was sure that he was going to end up paying dearly for it at some point.
The most dangerous thing of all that he could do was start to care about Qrow.
But acting wasn't something that James was any sort of master at. He'd learned long ago that it was for the best if he pushed back his emotional side for the sake of keeping the others around him safe. It was the Atlesian way- hide all emotion and keep going as a fighter because that was just what was safest.
Now he was starting to feel something that was almost genuine.
James didn't like it.
He and Qrow worked well together though. They argued all the time, and it was one of the things that James found to be relaxing enough that he could keep going with it regardless of what was happening. It didn't feel like he had to hide what he was doing so much- secrecy came naturally and so did bickering with Qrow.
Tonight, the two of them were sitting at a campfire and doing their best to ration between what little food the two of them had. James didn't really need to eat so much anymore, since his body had changed a lot over the years, but he could feign it well enough. It felt good enough, and so James was able to do well enough with that.
"-So Taiyang's got these two kids at home, and he and he loves them more than anything, and so do I but…" Qrow's voice trailed off mid-sentence, and somehow it was that which made James pick his head up and begin to pay attention to the other man as the two of them sat there. Qrow's expression had turned somber. 'It's hard, you know?"
James paused, not really sure how he was supposed to react. He set down the small container of food that he had down on a rock in front of him and leaned back slightly. "No," James said with a slight shrug, thinking of his own teammates. None of them had settled down, with good reason. "I can't say that I do," James said with a slight shrug. "Never was really one for the whole family thing."
Qrow was staring at him, and James hated the way that it made his skin crawl. "Weird," Qrow said quietly. "I thought you would have been into that sort of thing."
Needing a quick, if not immediate response, James just shrugged ."I just realized that it wasn't something I was going to get so easily." He paused, glancing up at Qrow over the fire. "I'm guessing you can relate?"
"I can." Qrow muttered finally. "Bandits, you know-" James raised an eyebrow, interested. "We didn't really do the whole 'love' thing growing up. When Oz first reached out to me, I couldn't help but think it was a joke at first." Qrow shook his head, while James silently listened and took notes that he all too quickly filed away in the back of his mind for later reference. "It wasn't, but I've never been able to shake that feeling that it all might be fake."
Qrow stared across the fire at James again before he finally spoke once more. "So what's your deal, anyways?"
And like that, James needed to once again begin to construct a story that he could tell Qrow that would at the very least be enough to make him seem somewhat genuine. He paused and glanced down at his right hand, hoping that he'd be able to find an answer there.
He was, and James didn't like how surprising that was to him in the long run of things.
"I got really badly hurt on a mission." James explained calmly. "It's weird you know-"
"Getting hurt?" Qrow asked. "Not really."
"Not that," James explained, shifting slightly and trying to relax against the stump to his back. "Realizing that you're ready to die."
The only sound that interrupted the space between James and Qrow after those words was the quiet crackling of the fire, and James wouldn't have wanted it any other way. There was nothing that could take away from the awkwardness of that situation.
"I've never thought about it." Qrow said, weighing every word as carefully as a newborn. "That bad?"
"Yeah." James answered. "I got lucky, basically. Someone found me, gave me a new chance at life." It wasn't technically a lie, and so James felt nothing was wrong with saying those words out loud. "In exchange for my life, I give my loyalty." He shrugged ."Not an ideal situation, but it works." James had to pray to every god that could possibly exist that Qrow wouldn't prod him on that.
And when Qrow didn't James couldn't help what felt like a full body sigh of relief.
Qrow leaned back where he was sitting as well, holding his hands up to the fire for a moment to warm himself before he bothered to say anything else. "So this lady's good to you?"
"One could say that." James answered ."Is Ozpin good to you?"
Qrow smirked slightly. "Fair enough."
When James sat up that night, sending messages back to Salem on his scroll, he had to fight himself not to read into his conversation with Qrow and the uneasy feeling it built within his chest.
Fondness was a dangerous thing, and James was being hit by it in full force.
The realization that he actually gave a damn about Qrow was the fact that he had spent most of an evening at an inn patching the man back up and sewing him back together as best as he could. James wasn't a proper medic by any means, since he'd either never needed to treat another like this or he'd always been the one getting hurt.
But still he sat there, making sure that his double layered suturing would hold tight until Qrow's aura could properly intervene and heal the wound in whatever way it could.
"Are you done yet?"
"Yes." James answered, slipping away from Qrow and checking that there was no blood on his white glove that covered his hand so cleanly. He wouldn't be so fortunate. "Try not to put yourself in the way of a grimm's teeth next time."
Qrow rolled his eyes in clear irritation. "I'll try to keep that in mind." He muttered.
James got up and walked over to the small bag that he carried with himself that held all of his personal effects. He was sure that Qrow had seen the blood on his glove, and James was careful not to look at his ruined hand as he changed into a new glove. The entire time, he didn't dare give Qrow a chance to see.
"I just don't really like stitching people up." James said with a grimace. "Medical things make my skin crawl."
"Is that why you wear the glove?" Qrow asked, carefully and checking that he wasn't overstepping his bounds.
This was the question that James had been dreading for some time, and yet there was a part of him that actually wanted to go ahead and answer Qrow truthfully and tell him that yes, it was why he wore the glove but no, it's not what you think.
James didn't consider himself capable of telling the truth without putting himself in a compromising position. At best, Qrow would stare at him, remind him that he was a monster, and he'd run to report to Ozpin to tell his employer that there was someone like James out there in the world.
At worst, they would end up in combat. If that happened, James had his orders to fill.
He could claim that it was self defense. Huntsmen were trained killers- people wouldn't question him too much if he claimed that Qrow had attacked first.
"Something like that." James finally said with a grimace. He didn't want to let Qrow know that there was a part of him that actually wanted to reach out and be there for the other man, if only because that would have been too much for the two of them to go through. James didn't think that there was really all that much trust between himself and Qrow, and he didn't think that Qrow felt the same way either.
But when Qrow spoke up again, he was quiet.
"You know, I've seen some pretty horrible shit." Qrow managed to say the words clearly, even if his voice came out as barely over a whisper. "I won't care."
"I doubt that." James said, finally turning back to Qrow and making sure to tuck his hand back behind his back. "It's... severe damage."
"What, like a prosthetic?" Qrow asked, leaning in with narrowed eyes and watching James. "You just sewed me back together, I think that you and me are past the point of formalities like this Jimmy.'
James hesitated and took a deep breath. "I don't know that we are, Qrow."
Qrow rolled his eyes and laid down on his side in the lone bed in the room. When James had checked the two of them in for the night, it had been done with little regard for what the situation would end up looking like. He'd wanted to get Qrow a bed, James was going to be able to get by and figure his own things out for himself if worse came to worse.
So they were there in an inn room with only one bed, and they were both expected not to make it completely awkward.
"I'm just saying-" Qrow said with a shrug as he tried to shift and make himself as comfortable as he possibly could in the place where he way lying. "It wouldn't hurt for us to put all the weirdness aside when we're in a situation like this one."
James sighed heavily and walked over to the bed, seating himself on the edge of it and staring at a space on the wall as he tried to figure out everything that he could do to fix things. He needed to be able to hide how he was thinking from Qrow, by any means possible. Again, it wasn't ideal, but it was the least that James could do.
"If I tell you, I need your promise that you aren't going to try and do something." James said quietly. "I wasn't kidding when I told you that the damage was severe, Qrow."
"Yeah, I know." Qrow answered, though it came after some hesitation that James didn't want to think about too much. Qrow was unconvinced. "I trust you." He paused and smiled, a little too devilishly, and James had to wonder whether it was a result of the light painkiller that Qrow had been dosed with when the impromptu medical care had begun. "Who knows, it might make you more..." Qrow paused, his eyes locking onto James' back so intensely that James felt like there was a hole being burned through his body. "I dunno, interesting I guess."
James was beyond glad that Qrow hadn't pushed him and used the word that he'd been expecting to hear from qrow.
"Right." James said finally, edging his fingers under the glove and beginning to peel the fabric away from his skin so that Qrow could get a good look at it.
All of the color seemed to drain out of Qrow's face when he got the first good look at James' hand.
For good measure, James held his hands out in front of himself for Qrow to look between them.
His left hand was the same as any other, with some light scarring and some obvious callouses that stood out light against his skin. The right hand was something else entirely. The skin had been replaced with blackness, callouses impossible to see against the dark. The only thing truly interrupting the field of black were the white veins that ran down his skin.
It was inverse to Salem's, but there had been a reason for that, Salem had said back when he'd been reconstructed. She'd said that for his skin to look more like hers, there would have had to have been more surface damage.
Not removal.
And so James was left with a reconstruction befitting of only a grimm.
Qrow's face had gone entirely white, and James couldn't help the feeling that burned down in his stomach and made him want to turn away and run. He didn't like how he was going to end up feeling later on, but James didn't let it show.
It was time for him to begin to construct a false enough reality that Qrow would be able to believe him.
"There are some really strange grimm out there," James began to explain himself with a bitter lie that danced on his tongue. "I got infected with a... parasitic one of sorts." It wasn't technically a lie, James supposed. "It began to cannibalize my body like this."
Qrow blinked and looked up at James' face, looking for something that that James couldn't name. All that James could see was that Qrow looked like he was absolutely scared shitless by James' state.
But James had managed to find a good enough lie, and he wasn't going to go ahead and give up on it when he had Qrow already there and listening along with his explanation of the situation.
"I've learned to use my aura to ensure that it won't spread any further than it already has, but it was too fast and I learned too late." James shook his head, deciding that he needed to play along as well as he could. He moved his right hand, bringing it all the way over to the center of where his sternum was and tapping it to indicate to Qrow how intense the damage had been. "Lost most of my body to it."
"But you can still function?" Qrow asked, looking up at James with his brow furrowed in deep interest. "How does that work?"
"Aura and dust are marvelous things." James explained with a quiet sigh. "No what you were expecting, I'm guessing?"
"Nah," Qrow said with a shrug. "I was expecting some nasty scarring. Maybe some metal bits, but mostly I was expecting scars." He paused, reaching out for James' right hand. Even with the slowness of the motion, it was enough to make James want to jerk back away from him in an attempt at self-preservation. Qrow took James' hand in his, and turned it over, tracing a finger over James' right palm. "I guess this qualifies though, huh?"
"Technically." James answered, watching Qrow. "I'm sure that the exact severity of it wasn't something that you were expecting."
Qrow shrugged, finally deciding to give James his hand back. James pulled the hand back in towards himself without too much hesitation, and he was glad for the fact that Qrow was being so relaxed about things. How was he able to shrug this off so easily.
"Nah," Qrow said with a shrug. "But it's still you, right?"
That was enough to force James to pause. That was a question that he'd never been able to find a proper answer to in his own mind. The parts that Salem had given him as a part of their pact were a part of him in the physical sense, yes, but there was still that part of him that couldn't accept them so easily.
It was too hard.
"I suppose." James said finally with a quiet sigh. The words that he said next did confuse James on some level, but he didn't want to let Qrow know how badly he was affected by it. "You have to understand that it's not-"
James was cut off by the feeling of Qrow's hand on his neck, pulling him in close so that the thinner man could press a kiss to his lips. It came so suddenly that the breath caught in James' throat, and there was a part of him that screamed that all that he needed to do at that point was run.
But James didn't.
Instead, he relented and let himself fall into his battle partner, as injured as Qrow was.
James and Qrow had been travelling together for nearly a month, and every day was beginning to wear on James more and more. Ever since their first emotional encounter, James had found himself attaching to Qrow more and more. He began to find enjoyment in hearing Qrow's stories about his friends and family, and James was able to weave a convincing enough story about his own life that Qrow never questioned him.
The knowledge that James would inevitably have to turn on Qrow was something that weighed on him constantly. It was a problems so unbearable, so unavoidable that James didn't think that he was ever going to be able to evade it.
And when he finally fulfilled the task that Salem had given him (and oh, how he didn't want to,) James was sure that he would feel guilt over whatever became of Qrow for much longer after.
Perhaps he would carry that particular guilt until the day that he died.
In any case, James supposed that this was something that he could prepare himself for nonetheless.
After battles were the times where that knowledge became so heavy that it made James want to crack and tell Qrow what he was doing there. He wanted to tell Qrow that there was no payout in Kuchinashi for him, and that there was no good ending for him. He wanted to tell Qrow that he worked for Salem, and that he was one day destined to take Qrow's life.
James was sure that he knew what the outcome of that would look like, though. He was sure that this was an outcome that he could have easily predicted long ago.
Qrow would turn on him, as James had turned on him.
They would fight.
When it came down to it, James didn't know who would end up winning. They were complimentary fighters, but he and Qrow were fundamentally ill-suited in a fight against each other. Their spars and warmups before leaving their various camps in the mornings had told James enough about that.
Ultimately, James was sure that he had some sort of advantage.
Qrow didn't know about what James could really do with his grimm appendages. They were a gift from Salem in more ways than one.
In the end, James was sure that this hidden advantage was going to be what would ultimately do Qrow in.
But Qrow didn't know. Qrow looked at those appendages and pressed kisses to them on the rare nights that the two of them found themselves in rooms at local inns. He tried to make James hate them a little more, and when he'd realized just how far the injuries went, Qrow hadn't judged James for that either.
All that Qrow ever gave James was reassurances.
And for the while, James was happy to reward Qrow with some small affections when he could manage it. James knew that it was going to make it more difficult when the end finally came around.
But for the time being, he didn't actually care.
James cut it off without a word while Qrow was sleeping following an urgent call that ordered him back to the fortress at the end of the world. It was something about a Silver Eyed Warrior, and James was needed there.
All that he managed to leave Qrow with was a note.
Qrow-
Important message on scroll. Urgent matter.
Had to go ASAP.
Good luck in Kuchinashi
With love,
James Ironwood
James didn't know how Qrow would react to the latter, and he figured that he was mostly glad that he didn't have to see Qrow's face when the man read the note and came to the realization that James was gone.
The note hadn't lied. There had been a call on his scroll, and it had been urgent.
The next time he would see Qrow Branwen, James was sure that it would be on a battlefield.
James knew what the outcome would be.
Years would pass, and James would meet Qrow again. This time, when he met the man, it was only on the battlefield, as James had expected long ago.
The fact that he'd managed to slide under the radar as Salem's agent for so long as a surprise, and the look on Qrow's face when he first got a look at James, his expression contorted to anger.
As he cocked his gun, James had to prepare himself to practically go ahead and kill a part of himself. The last person that he wanted to go after in this war was Qrow. Deep down, James was sure that there was even a part of him that was still in love with Qrow.
At least, it loved Qrow was much as he could make himself love another.
At the end of the day, James was still a monster. He was incapable of truly loving another.
At least, that was what James told himself.
He pulled the trigger before Qrow could get a word in. James didn't want to get caught up in the emotional part of this. If he was going to fight Qrow, James was going to do it in as efficient way as he could possible.
And that meant that he was going to have to fight Qrow long enough to whittle the man's aura down before just ending it outright.
In a way, both of them were going to have to die on that battlefield.
James knew that.
He suspected that Qrow knew that too, based on the way that the man had rushed him for close up combat.
The fight was drawn out, and between hits Qrow would even try to get a word in before James would silence him with gunshot. That didn't stop Qrow's words from ringing in James' ears like tinnitus.
"Jim, what are you-"
Gunshot.
"Why are you-"
Gunshot.
"Jimmy, c'mon-"
Gunshot.
James made a point not to let himself say so much as a word to Qrow the entire time that the two of them fought. It was just what he needed.
Hearing Qrow's actual words would be enough to make James stop- and for that reason, James would never allow it.
He had a job to do.
Salem had given her orders- kill Ozpin's agent, or be killed.
James had been preparing for this for a long time. His own sense of self-preservation had kicked in, and it had brought him here.
They both couldn't live, and James knew one thing above all else.
There was no such thing as running from Salem. If she wanted to find you, she would.
Qrow landed several good hits on James. He managed to slash into James' right shoulder- a strikingly well placed hit that had been enough to almost disable James for the rest of their battle. James forced himself through the rest, and eventually he saw the way that Qrow's aura shattered with a well-placed shot to the chest.
James placed his next shot in Qrow's knee, just enough to keep him in one place as he made his way over to Qrow.
The other man stared up at him with red eyes that reminded James all too well of the monsters that he walked amongst. But Qrow's eyes weren't like a grimm's.
They were gentle.
Even in rage, they were gentle and soft.
"Jim?" Qrow asked, staring up at him and his voice cracking in his chest. "Why are you doing this?"
James didn't answer. He reached for his right hand and slipped off his glove, revealing the black of his skin. "I have to." James answered, reaching out for Qrow's body and reaching out with that right hand.
He caught the man's face, and was careful to shift Qrow and manhandle him so that the other man couldn't get away.
It felt like a perversion of an act that he'd done with Qrow once before in a place of trust.
James didn't let himself linger on it for too long.
"You don't have to do this-" Qrow gasped the words out, and James didn't let himself listen. He ran his finger over Qrow's cheek, remembering the feeling of Qrow's skin under his one last time. "Jimmy, just talk to me-"
James closed his eyes and leaned in, pressing his lips to Qrow's as he held the other man so close to him.
When he pulled away, he whispered the words into the space between the two of them.
"I'm sorry."
With that, James summoned something in himself, and watched as what was left of Qrow's aura began to slide into his own body.
James couldn't look in the other man's eye.
When Qrow sucked in his final, tortured breath, James didn't let himself linger on it. When he laid Qrow down, it was gently and carefully.
When James walked away, he had to do everything in his power to be able to ignore the aching pain in his chest, and how the part of Qrow that was now a part of him felt a little too warm.
He would report back to Salem, and she would commend him for his efforts.
James would hate himself until the day he died.
And sometimes, when he was drifting off to sleep, he could swear that he could hear Qrow's voice whispering something into his ear.