Emil flopped down next to Lalli, who was currently sitting alone in the front of the tank. Emil didn't look at his friend, but Lalli tilted his head, looked at the Swede.
"What are you doing here?" Emil asked, not expecting an answer.
Lalli didn't provide one and the two of them sat silently for a while, Emil looking out through the window, deep in thought, and Lalli looking at his maybe, kind of, one friend. There was a slight frown on the Swede's face and Lalli poked his cheek, trying to get a reaction. The Swede only let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry, I'm just remembering things..."
Emil shivered as the memories went through his brain. Distant memories he couldn't quite make out, that he barely remembered, but still left a strong mark in his heart. He fell quiet again, looking at the snow falling outside the vehicle. Lalli shrugged and went back to just sitting, content with the silence but confused about Emil's silence. After a while he poked the messy person again.
"...hur är det?"
Emil forced a smile.
"Great. Well, except for the trolls and stuff", he gestured through the window. "But they shouldn't be out in this weather."
Lalli stared at him and Emil let out another sigh.
"I don't know, Lalli. I mean, it was years ago and I should just forget about it and I mostly have but somedays... Somedays I just can't shake it off me."
Lalli looked confused again, and Emil laughed.
"I should start at the beginning I guess?"
No answer, but Emil took that as a yes.
"I dunno if you heard me telling Tuuri about my private tutor, but... I actually did went to public school before that."
Lalli didn't provide the shocked reaction Emil had expected, but he continued anyway.
"I don't remember a lot of it, I was only there for about a year. I was six at the time..." Emil leaned back in the chair. "You know I complained about how the teachers had it in for me?"
No answer, still, and Emil looked at his friend before looking out of the window again.
"Apparently the first couple of days was pretty good, mother told me about how much I seemed to enjoy it and how excited I was to go to school. Like most kids are. I liked being around people. But..."
Emil closed his eyes as he remembered the first time he was tripped by his classmate, and how everyone had laughed at him when he fell into the mud. He pulled a hand through his hair as he remembered how the teacher had only glared at him and told him to sit quietly in the back. His hand fell into his lap and he clenched it when he remembered how sick he had gotten after having spent a whole day in wet, muddy clothes.
"...the people didn't like being around me, I guess. Mother and father talked with the principal and the teachers several times about it..."
Emil looked at the ceiling, let out another sigh.
"They mostly blamed me. Told me I should just roll with it, that it was my own fault for..."
He looked at his hands, clenched them, hugged himself.
"...it was my fault they bullied me. I started believing them. It wasn't like I was 17, when I could just enter the military instead, I had to endure it. Take it because it would shape me into a man."
He pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs.
"After about a year I refused to even go to school. I got sick so often I was quite behind the rest anyway. So..."
He turned his head to look at Lalli.
"My dear father ended up getting me a private tutor. Since we were rich and all they let me decide myself what studies I wanted to pursue. Got my confidence back quite well during those years actually."
He got up from the chair, stretched. Lalli looked at him and Emil met the Finn's eyes.
"Anyway, in a way I guess I should have been thankful for it. It it hadn't happened, maybe I wouldn't have been here now."
He smiled at Lalli, got up to the door and then turned his head towards the Finn again.
"I'm really glad I met you Lalli. I truly mean it."
Lalli looked after him as he left the room, and then looked out the window. He hadn't understood anything the Swede had told him.