Abby sat on a bench, watching the kids play on the monkey bars, and swings. She wondered if Joe would ever be able to do that. Run and play with complete abandon. She wondered if she would ever be able to watch him play without worry.
After five months, she still lay awake at night, watching the baby monitor beside the bed, fearful that he would stop breathing during the night. Even now, as he slept contentedly in his stroller, she couldn't checking to make sure he was okay.
She could withstand the physical pain she'd endured. She even cope with never being able to have another child. But her heart ached for him. Every breath he'd taken since birth had been a struggle. It wasn't fair. He was just a helpless little boy. It was her fault. She should have able to help him. She was a doctor, for God's sake.
"That's a beautiful baby. How old is he?"
Abby looked over at the well-dressed woman sitting next to her. She was tending to a little girl who looked to be about a year old. The stroller she was using had obviously been purchased at some high-end Michigan Avenue store.
"Five months. I can't take credit for his looks. He gets those from his dad."
"He is a cutie. Have you thought about schools yet?"
You have got to be kidding me, Abby thought to herself. School? He's five months old. He can barely sit up by himself.
"I'm sure we've got time for that. That's like four or five years off."
"You've got to get started if you want to get him into a good pre-school. Harley is already on the waiting list at Barcley."
Abby politely said goodbye, got up, and began pushing Joe and his stroller toward the Lincoln Park Zoo. The woman's demeanor irritated her. But then, what did you expect from someone who named their kid after a brand of motorcycle?
It was as though they were all part of some secret society she didn't yet belong to. She listen to them in the park, or in the doctor's lounge at work. Babbling on about play date, and gymboree.class. She didn't see herself in the world of mini-vans, and PTA meetings. It just didn't fit her.
Would he be normal? Would there be soccer practice, and Little League games? So far, there was no evidence that all the weeks in NICU had effected his brain. And if it had, could she cope? Luka said it shouldn't matter. He was their son, and they would love him for who he was.
They strolled slowly though the zoo. Joe was awake now, and cooing. She leaned over, and brushed back a few tiny wisps of dark hair. His hair was growing in curly like her brother's. She didn't want to think about what else he might have inherited.
They walked past the monkey exhibit, and she swore she saw Joe point, and laugh at them. She had never really liked the zoo when she was a kid.
There was something about confinement that made her uncomfortable. Whether it be for animals, or human beings.
She remembered going to the Minneapolis Zoo on a field trip in Third grade, and sneaking away with her best friend Ellie Wheeler. They'd used the money they'd been given for lunch to buy ice cream. They two of them were always getting into trouble for something. Like in high school when they'd released all of the mice in the Biology lab. They'd each gotten a week suspension over that one.
She stopped at a stand to buy ice cream. It was October and chilly, but here she was, thirty years later, Still ordering ice cream at the zoo.
"Anything for the little guy?" The jovial older man behind the counter asked.
"He's a little too young for ice cream. He gets formula instead."
She sat down a picnic table, finished her ice cream, and fed Joe his bottle.
"Let's call Daddy, and see if he's awake yet, okay?"
She hadn't admitted it, but she was secretly happy when Luka had been relegated to nights as retribution for the Clemente debacle. She agreed with him that he'd been treated unfairly, but it did work out better for them child-care wise. They never saw one another. It was just one more sacrifice they'd had to make.
Their relationship was in the doldrums. He said they needed to go away somewhere. Just the two of them, for a long weekend. She wasn't ready to spend that much time away from her son. Wasn't ready to leave him in
someone else's care. Luka understood. Didn't push. He was so good to her, and she was completely unable to express that to him.
She put Joe back in his stroller, packed up his stuff, and began walking toward the car. She dialed Luka on her cell with one hand, while she pushed the stroller with the other.
"Hey. You're not answering your phone. Probably asleep. We've been here at the zoo, eating ice cream, and watching the monkeys. I'll be home in an hour. I'll pick up Chinese, and we eat together before you go to work. Bye."
That night she had a dream. A good dream, for a change. Joe was five in the dream, five or six. Strong and healthy, playing soccer in the back yard with his dad.
She woke up with a sense of relief she hadn't felt in months. Then reality quickly intruded when the baby woke up cranky and feverish. They'd had a wonderful day out yesterday, but there was a long road ahead. A long road.