Regrets

By Risa

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Charmed (I wouldn't be slogging away in school if I did) – no copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note: Ok, I wrote this after reading a very detailed spoiler of the season finale of Charmed so I'm not too sure if I got it entirely right, but I couldn't bring myself to change much of it, so I left it as it is. Sorry for any inaccuracies and I hope you'll enjoy this!

Another note about Duality: I've decided to end it there. I actually had a few ideas of where I wanted to take it, but it wouldn't fit under the same story. I do have plans for a sequel to it though, but there are some details I need to work out and I'm a little bogged down by schoolwork now. Anyway, thanks for all your wonderful comments! *big grin*

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            "I'm not giving up on us."

            Damn you Cole, Phoebe cursed as she pulled vehemently at the loose threads of the pillow that she was holding. Why did he always have to come back? Why couldn't he just move on and leave her alone?

            Because he loves you, a small voice from deep within consciousness told her, just like you love him.

            Oh shut up, Phoebe told the voice. God, she was talking to herself. She had finally fallen off the deep end. She laughed softly to herself before her mood turned serious again and she sighed, staring out at the dark, quiet street, pensive.

            She had reconciled herself with the idea that Cole was dead, gone forever. Phoebe was well aware that she'll never be the same again now that he was gone. He was her soulmate, she knew that with a bleak certainty. He made the world brighter, more beautiful and more alive. Now that he was gone, Phoebe felt as if a mist had fallen over her eyes, everything seemed duller. But Phoebe knew that she could carry on with her life. She still had her sisters. She might never know the bliss she knew before, but she could be content.

            And then he had returned to her. Out of the blue, ruining all her good intentions. For Phoebe knew that she couldn't let herself get involved with Cole again. They had too much baggage. Phoebe didn't trust herself with him. He was a wide open door with a neon sign spelling vulnerability and risk to her sisters. She had already caused them so much pain.

            But more than that, she was afraid, afraid that he might turn evil again. Afraid of what might happen. Afraid for her sisters. Afraid for herself. That she would give in to temptation, be seduced by the darkness within her.

            Afraid.

            So she didn't know what to do now that Cole had come right back into her life. She was grateful to him for saving her life and that of her sisters, but she didn't need all of this right now. She wanted her life to return to normal.

            Then just tell him, the voice said again, tell him that it's over. If you refuse to change your mind, he'll eventually give up and leave. If you're really sure that's what you want to do, it shouldn't be that difficult, should it?

            That was the problem. Every time she saw Cole, all she could think about was how much she wanted to be held by him, to fall into his arms, to hear his voice whisper words of love, to feel safe and comforted. She knew that perversely, her heart was rejoicing at seeing him again, safe, sound, and alive. But she didn't know if she could go through all the pain again – she had gone through it three times already. She didn't want a fourth.

            Most of all, she didn't know if there was enough of her left to give.

            It was irrational, really. When he was gone, she had missed him so much. So often at night, she would toss and turn, reaching out for him only to wake up to find that she was alone. With him back though, everything was different. Confronted with the realisation of all her dreams since his death, Phoebe discovered that she couldn't just run into his arms and forget everything that happened and continue where they left off. She allowed herself to wish for his return, allowed herself to let her love for him because she had thought that there was no way that he would ever be able to return to her.

            But he had.

            And Phoebe knew that the love between them, great as it may be, wasn't enough to get past all the scars and hurt. It wasn't enough.

            She also couldn't put her sisters at risk again because of her and Cole. She would prefer it if she was the only one hurt rather than Piper and Paige.

            What about Cole? What about the pain you're going to cause him?

            He'd get over it, Phoebe thought bleakly. She got up and walked to her cupboard, withdrawing a box where she kept everything she had shared with Cole. She took out a picture of her and Cole that had been placed in a beautiful antique frame. She caressed Cole's face in the picture, as if it was real. I'm sorry Cole, she told him, as the tears finally began to fall. But I can't do this again.

            Tomorrow. She looked up from the photo, her expression resolute and determined. She'll tell him tomorrow.

            Cole watched as the lights of Phoebe's room went off. He had been standing there, along the street outside the Halliwell Manor, carefully cloaked in the darkness of the night. He used to do this when he was still under the Triad's orders, after he first met Phoebe. Initially, he thought it would help him focus on his target – at least that's what he told himself. Later, it was simply because of the need he felt to be near her, yet knowing that he couldn't.

            He fit the part of a stalker from a bad movie perfectly, Cole smiled to himself.

            After all the running and hiding from the Beast and the fear, he finally managed to find his way out. For the first time in a long time – even taking into account the time he spent as a human – Cole felt balanced, whole within himself, confident and assured of his own self-identity.

            What had kept him going all this time was his love for Phoebe. In a kind of cliché way, he was a spirit with unfinished business. Cole knew he couldn't let go of the physical world until he had a chance to make amends, or at least to apologise to Phoebe for all the hurt that he had caused her.

            The past few months had been pure and utter agony. Cole had been reduced to nothing but a passenger in the backseat as he saw everything the Source did using his body. He felt helpless and frustrated, but there was nothing he could do. Everyday he had to put up with the Source's constant scorn and triumph. His heart ached whenever he saw Phoebe, wishing desperately to shout out to her but always squashed down fiercely by the Source

            Then the Source was gone and Cole once again was in control of his own body. But he had been lost in a place filled with barrenness, desolation and fear. He clung to the thought of Phoebe like a desperate man clinging to a torch in the pitch-black darkness of a cave. And finally, he managed to return. Just in time to save Phoebe's life.

            Looking at Phoebe now, Cole knew that she didn't want him in her life any longer. He couldn't blame her. Granted, he felt hurt, but he understood. She had been through so much because of him…

            A part of him told him that he should just leave her alone and let her live her life in peace. But Cole knew he couldn't. Phoebe was his sole purpose for living. She was all that he had. His brief fling with death told him that life was precious, that life should be lived without regrets. Cole didn't want to look back and regret that he had just given up Phoebe without trying.

            He knew that she still loved him. He knew that all too well. Selfish though it may seem to want her back with him, he knew that separation would basically kill them both. The two of them needed each other. Without the other, they were only half a person. Separation would starve them both, leave their lives as one filled with what-could-have-beens. Cole had to get Phoebe back.

            Fate had been a cruel, fickle creature to the two of them, bringing them together only to force them apart again. Cole however, was not a man who would passively submit to the vagaries of fate.

            God, he was turning into a sappy Romeo. Shakespeare would have been proud.

            Cole smiled to himself. He already had an idea of what he was going to do. Someway, somehow, he was going to win Phoebe back.

*~ To Be Continued – if you want more. I could end it right here. :-) ~*