Luau Lunacy
Written by:
Darren Heideman
Dylan Carbonell
HistoryisAwesomeGuy
Song Lyrics by:
HistoryisAwesomeGuy
[We open on Candace, Stacy, and Jenny walking towards the Flynn-Fletcher House. They all carry bags from their shopping escapade.]
Jenny: Thanks for helping me pick out a new swimsuit.
Stacy: Tomorrow is gonna be so much fun.
[Suddenly, odd music is heard coming from outside.]
Candace: Wait, what is that?
Jenny: Sounds like Turkish music.
[Candace, Stacy, and Jenny go to the sliding door and open it. They then see a crowd of people in period Turkish clothes, waving flags and singing in jubilation. In the middle of it all are Phineas and Ferb.]
Candace: Phineas, Ferb, what is going on here?
Phineas: We're reenacting the celebrations in Turkey after the Allies withdrew from Galipoli during the first world war.
[Candace then looks to Ferb.]
Candace: Didn't the Allies include Britain?
[Ferb nods.]
Candace: So you're reenacting something that dealt with a British defeat?
Ferb: It's about the history.
Stacy: That's funny, Candace remembered something from history class.
[Then the sound a car horn is heard.]
Candace: You guys are so busted. (runs off)
[Just as Candace rushes up front to get her mom, a Turkish woman gets a text on her phone]
Turkish Woman: Everyone they're giving away free Nut rolls at the Turkish Restaurant downtown!
Turkish Man: Which one?
Turkish Woman: Oh the only one in the entire Tri-State area, you know which one.
Turkish Man: Then let's go!
[The Turkish people hop over the back fence and take all their equipment and things with them. Candace and Linda then enter, and Candace is dumbfounded by the disappearance of the crowd.]
Candace: But where...?
Jenny: It was here, then it wasn't.
[Candace grits her teeth.]
Candace: Oh, I can't wait for tomorrow. It'll be a Phineas and Ferb free day.
[The next day, Linda's car pulls into the beach and Candace and her friends step out. Candace wears her red bikini from "The Mom Attractor", Stacy wears a teal one-piece decorated in flowers, and Jenny wears a yellow tankini and the pink hat from "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror".]
Candace: Ah, isn't this just perfect?
Stacy: The cool sea breeze.
Jenny: The sound of the waves.
Candace: And especially no...
Phineas: Hi, Candace.
[Candace turns to see her brothers.]
Candace: Phineas and Ferb?
[Candace then looks and sees Isabella, the Fireside Girls, Buford, Baljeet, and Django as well. Lawrence, Dr. Hirano and Beppo Brown are there as well.]
Candace: Why are you all here?
Linda: Candace, did you think that only one were coming to the beach today?
Candace: Um, kinda sort of, yeah...
Linda: Candace. (folds her arms)
[Just then, Phineas looks around.]
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?
[Perry sneaks away over to a hot dog stand where Major Monogram is posing as a hot dog vendor.
Major Monogram: Ah, good day Agent P, a beautiful day at the beach. The only way it could go wrong was if Doctor Doofenshmirtz succeeded with whatever scheme he's got going on here. I'd give you more information but I've kind of got another job to do here. Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs, here!
[Perry goes off to find Doofenshmirtz. Doofenshmirtz is seen at a deserted section of beach. Perry rushes in, only to fall into a sand pit.]
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, how nice of you to drop in. I found this nice section of beach closed off due to dangerous waves during high tide and decided to set up my newest scheme here. And what is my newest scheme? Ruining today's luau. I've never liked luaus since back when I was dating Charlene and she dragged me to one. Everything about it, the tikis, the music, the surfing, it was unbearable. And the food, I saw this one bowl and figured I'd try some of what was in it. Turns out it was poi. A split second after it touched my tongue, I spit out and went "poi". Hmm, maybe that's how it got its name...
[Perry rolls his eyes.]
Doofenshmirtz: So when I learned that Roger was hosting a luau, I knew I had to ruin it all the more.
And how do I plan to ruin it? With this. Beyond the Reverse Ozone Layer-inator! You obviously cannot see it from the bottom of the pit, but trust me, I think you'd appreciate the design.
[Back with the group, Linda lays out a few rules for the day.]
Linda: Candace, at least spend some time with your brothers today.
Dr. Hirano: That goes for you too, Stacy. Spend some time with Ginger.
[Candace and Stacy looked disappointed.]
Linda: Now, if you'll all excuse me, there is this flavor of ice cream sold here that everyone has been just raving about.
[Linda and Lawrence go off. Dr. Hirano and Beppo watch over the other kids. Candace turns to her brothers.]
Candace: Okay, listen up. I'll only do one thing with you two. Just one.
[Candace walks off to hang out with her friends and Phineas thinks over his sister's words.]
Phineas: Hmm, just one thing. We gotta make it good.
[Phineas looks around and sees Thaddeus and Thor helping Mandy getting into a drysuit.]
Phineas: Scuba diving?
[Ferb shakes his head and shows Phineas a crossed off list of things]
Phineas: Sand castle sculpting?
[Ferb shows Phineas where that one is crossed off]
Phineas: Coconut juggling?
[Ferb taps Phineas on the shoulder and points to a poster promoting a water skiing race.]
Phineas: Oh, cool, that's perfect. Candace will love that. Come on, let's get entered.
[Back with Doofenshmirtz and Perry, Doofenshmirtz explains his plan.]
Doofenshmirtz: You see, Perry the Platypus, the ozone layer protects the Earth from the sun's ultraviolet or UV rays. What the Reverse Ozone Layer-inator does is the exact opposite. Once activated, it'll create a layer that will intensify the sun's UV rays and the result will be everyone getting extreme sunburns. And then, this luau will be remembered as the worst in the history of Danville, and think of negative thoughts of Roger, having hosted it. Now I just need to wait for the sun to be in position at noon for optimum solar potency.
[Back with the group, Candace and her friends solicize, when Ginger and Phineas and Ferb arrive.]
Ginger: Let's go, Stacy.
[Stacy sighs and goes off with her sister.]
Candace: It looks like my brothers picked their one thing. I'll see you later.
[Candace follows her brothers to the water's edge.]
Phineas: Hurry, Candace, put on the skis.
Candace: What's the rush?
[Candace puts on the skis and her brothers get into the boat.]
Phineas: The race is about to start.
Candace: Race? What race?
Announcer: Skiers, ready on the starting line.
Candace: Wait! Anything but this! Phineas! Ferb!
[The horn sounds and the racers speed off. Phineas and Ferb hit the throttle and hurry to catch up, as Candace hangs on for dear life.]
Announcer: And they're off! Wait, we've got a late starter.
[Candace continues to hang on tight.]
Candace: Phineas! Ferb! Stop! Stop the boat! (waves her arm)
Announcer: She's signaling her drivers for more speed!
Candace: No!
Phineas: Candace is saying "Go"!
Song: "I Love to Water Ski"
Style: similar to "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"
[As the song plays, Candace is trying desperately to hold on while she skis and doesn't look like she's having a good time, while everyone else is singing and having fun]
I see you zooming by on those water skis
I know you must love it as you feel the breeze
The boat going so fast
Having such a blast
And you can tell this is goin' to be one amazing race, yeah man
And you can tell this is goin' to be one amazing race, yeah man
Singing, I love to water ski
So motion me to jump that ramp
I love to water ski
So do your best to become a champ
Ow!
Singing, I love to water ski
So motion me to jump that ramp
I love to water ski
So do your best to become a champ
[Candace looks back and sees another of the boats closing in on her. She then literally runs across the water, passing even the boat her brothers are driving.]
Phineas: Candace, wait for us!
[The racers head for a wide turn in the course. The boys slow, causing Candace to go back behind them. The boys start to make the turn, but Candace goes wide, nearing dangerously to a jetty.]
Announcer: Here's our late starter, rounding... Oh, no, wait, wait. She's missing the turn! Ooh, she just makes it.
[The racers then reach a ski ramp, each making the leap. When Candace does, she ends up twirling, her skis acting like helicopter blades. The boys hit the throttle and inch towards the lead.]
Announcer:She's in the air, and she's pulling ahead once more!
[Candace stops spinning and then lands back on the water.]
[At an ice cream stand, Linda and Lawrence look over the menu.]
Linda: Let's see. Funky Monkey Chocolate Banana, Mango Coconut Tango, which one could it be?
[The race boat passes right by. Candace waves her arms furiously.]
Candace: MOM, DAD! MOM, DAD!
[Linda looks around, baffled.]
Linda: How strange, I could've sworn I just heard Candace.
[Jenny and Django are seen paddling on surfboards, watching the race. Candace sees them and waves.]
Candace: Hey! Jenny!
[Jenny and Django wave back.]
Jenny: Looking good, Candace!
[At the same time, Stacy and Ginger are aboard a small sail boat. Ginger looks over her Fireside Girl handbook, and Stacy waits, obviously bored.]
Stacy: Ginger, can we please hurry this up? I want to get back to the boys on the beach.
Ginger: I'm trying to get my perfect beach sailing patch, and I need you to help me with this. This can't be rushed.
[Candace sees Stacy and stirs herself towards the boat.]
Candace: Stacy, help!
[Candace passes the boat and grabs Stacy, pulling her out, leaving Ginger alone.]
Stacy: Candace, what the...?! (hangs on for dear life)
Candace: I gotta find something to get my brothers' attention!
[Candace sees a cord on Stacy's life jacket.]
Candace: What does this do? (grabs it)
Stacy: Candace, don't! That's the...!
[She is cut off as Candace pulls the cord, ripping it out completely. A hissing sound is heard and Stacy's life jacket inflates out of control.]
Stacy: CANDACE!
[Stacy is engulfed by the over-inflated life jacket. Candace cannot hold on to Stacy and she gets left behind. Nearly helpless, Stacy just bobs about like a buoy.]
Stacy: Oof, talk about a tight squeeze.
[A seagull then lands atop Stacy and starts pecking at the life jacket.]
Stacy: Aah! No, bird! Go away! Shoo! (flaps her hand, trying to drive the bird away)
[With one hard peck, the bird punctures the life jacket. Air shoots from the hole and Stacy is sent flying.]
[Back on the beach, Jeremy and Coltrane are waiting, pondering Candace and Stacy's extended absence.]
Jeremy: That's weird, I thought Candace and Stacy would be back by now.
Coltrane: They're probably having a good time with their siblings, we shouldn't spoil their fun.
Stacy: (from above) Somebody catch me!
[Jeremy and Coltrane look and see Stacy dropping in. Coltrane catches Stacy.]
Stacy: Whew! Thanks, remind me to never try sky diving.
Coltrane: Wait, where's your sister?
Stacy: Oh, I gotta go find her! I'll be right back! (runs off)
[Back in the race, Candace takes another wide turn and starts to skim onto land. Candace then sees a giant sandcastle up ahead, and she gulps and closes her eyes knowing she's about to hit it. Candace then crashes into making a perfect silhouette of herself in the wall.]
[Candace then runs through a cluster of umbrellas, getting entangled in some. She then soars up like she's para-sailing.]
Announcer: She's up in the air again and... She's out of sight. I don't see her anymore... Um, Dylan, Owen, can you see her from where you are?
Candace: Help! Someone get me down from here!
[Back with Doofenshmirtz and Perry, the sun nears its noontime position.]
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, in only a short time, I will unleash a solar ray bombardment that'll leave all with horrible sunburns. Except for me, I'll be safely nestled under this lovely umbrella. You, Perry the Platypus, well, you do have fur, so you might be spared somewhat. Do platypuses get sunburns? I know pigs can, but...
[The boat zooms by and the rope slacks and snags the Reverse Ozone Layer-inator, pulling it up and aims it down at Doofenshmirtz and it fires. Doofenshmirtz then turns red as he is sunburned.
Doofenshmirtz: YOW!
[The inator then drops into the ocean and sinks.]
Doofenshmirtz: (weakly and in agony) Now I know what the roasted pig at a luau feels like. Curse you, unknown rope...
[A wave washes in and fills in the pit. Perry swims out and looks at Doofenshmirtz, then loads a jarful of aloe vera into a water gun and sprays down Doofenshmirtz.]
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh, tingly. Thank you, Perry the Platypus.
[Candace starts to pull herself down, discarding umbrellas as she goes. She finally reach the water's surface. Just as she does, the she and the boys cross the finish line and then reach the docks. Phineas and Ferb then rush over to Candace.]
Phineas: Candace, that was amazing.
Candace: That was the most horrifying, nerve-racking, stressful thing I've ever been unwittingly a part of. But as long as we won, it's all good.
Phineas: Well...
Announcer: Let's hear it for our winners today, Andrew and Rod!
[Candace's eye twitches.]
Candace: You mean, after everything, we didn't even win?
[Just then Linda and Lawrence arrive.]
Linda: Hi, kids.
Phineas: Hey, Mom. You get that ice cream you were looking for?
Linda: Yes. Yes, I did. Turns out the rave flavor, just regular Berry flavor. So, you kids have fun?
[Candace starts like she's going to tell about the race, but stops herself.]
Candace: You know, you wouldn't believe everything that happened today...
[Jenny and Django rush up.]
Jenny: Come on, everyone. The luau is about to start.
[Everyone heads off to the luau. During the festivities, Linda and Lawrence dance together, Stacy and Coltrane dance together, along with Phineas, Ferb, and their friends, as well as Candace and Jeremy.]
Jeremy: So Candace, how'd you enjoy water skiing?
Candace: You know it really wasn't all that bad now that I think about it.
Jeremy: Cool, then you're going to love this. I just signed the two of us up for the next water skiing race.
[Candace then faints and Jeremy catches her in his arms.]
Jeremy: When she wakes up I should probably tell her I was only joking.