It's a new year. We are all back to work after having all our vacations and days off and fun. Monday morning at work after a vacation sucks rocks. I'd rather be standing outside in the snow waiting for a bus to take me anywhere but here right now. But alas here I am, staring at my blank cubicle wall where last years Robert Pattinson calendar once hung. Yes, that's where it hung. It hung right there perfectly positioned in between my computer monitor and my awesome plant that I had to hide so people stopped asking me what its name was and where I got it (It's a green plant from the grocery store, yes, my store sells plants). I miss my Robalendar, it was something to distract myself with so I didn't kill my coworkers. Plus it was really pretty and hung very well. I guess I have to find something else to distract myself with. Because really, who am I kidding there is no way I'm going to be working today.
As I am adjusting my wall of plants that are strategically arranged along the end of my desk to block out as much unwanted attention as possible, I hear someone stretching and yawning and smacking their lips way to close to me, breaking me out of my commemorative remembrance of the Robalendar. Farewell Rob, I shall miss thee. I turn slowly in my low budget ergonomic office-wide issued chair just enough to see my neighbor coworker hanging halfway over our shared cubicle wall. Normally I wouldn't mind, but she knows better than to bother me in the a.m. hours, especially on Monday, especially on a Monday after a vacation, especially on a Monday after vacation after I have had to take down my expired 16 month Oversized Robert Pattinson Calendar. I don't know how she is leaning so far over the wall because it comes up to her eyebrows when she is standing on the ground.
"What do you want, Alice?", I growl.
"Shit Bella! I know you are in mourning over the loss of your hot wall jewelry but come on!" hissed Alice.
"Whatever, now my desk looks all plain and I have no one to cheer me up from my case of the crappy Mondays. I officially have nothing to look forward to when I come into work now."
"Ouch, that hurts Bella. That hurts me real deep."
"Oh, shut it. You know I love you, but it's a different kind of love from the Robalendar."
"Ya, ya, ya. I get it. I am so texting Jasper right now to ask him if he has any suitable friends for you, you're getting scary."
I finally turn around fully and stand up to look over our wall just in time to see her jump off her cheap ergo chair, sit in it, and grab her phone.
"Don't you dare Alice! You know how I feel about stuff like that!"
"Nope, I don't care. This is for your own good. HA, who am I kidding this is for MY own good. For the good of all mankind really. I know if you just met the right guy Bella all your misanthropist ways would turn around."
I think about this for a second, I'm not that bad. I would prefer to just be labeled as anti-social. My demeanor has been explained as shy on occasion during a good day, except that only gets bestowed upon me by someone that really doesn't know me. I am not shy, I just prefer not to make idle conversation or deal with annoying people. And that has absolutely nothing to do with the absence of a strapping male in my life. Not that the presence of one of those could make me any worse... um, strapping male... anyway.
But I suppose compared to Alice I am slightly misanthropic. But since it's the hell of all bad Mondays I settle with,"Sure, I bet it would cure cancer too, right?", because I'm also sarcastic.
"Maybe, or at least cure this headache I have from hearing you moan about whatever you're problem of the day is."
"Hey Alice! That's not cool I don't moan about anything."
"That's exactly what your problem is Bella!", Alice giggles.
"You totally just contradicted yourself. And it's way too early in the morning to be talking about sex, Alice."
"So what Bella, and it's never too early for that or too late."
"You are such a nympho", I laugh because its true. I lived with Alice once, the noises that could be heard coming from her room at all hours of the day were truly frightening. I never have been able to look at Jasper the same ever since.
"Damn straight! Shoot! He says he can't think of anybody you haven't already met, but he will keep his eyes open for you."
"You actually texted him that Alice? HOW DARE YOU!", Bella bellows in a stage whisper. Her and Alice loved shooting back and forth this line from "Employee of the Month". "You are just lucky he doesn't have anybody for me cause I might just have to kill you if you try to set me up again. Remember last time Alice? Your' best friend set up privileges have been permanently revoked!", Bella snickers and sits down.
Alice stands up and stretches on her tip toes to peer over the wall, not going through the acrobatics of climbing on her chair again, "Come on Bellers, how was I supposed to know he was a closet foot fetisher? It's not something you share with your cousins, you know?"
"Doesn't matter, Until you restock my drawer of stolen socks your punishment stands."
As I turn back around to look at my bare wall I hear a not so quiet, "Hmmff" from Alice as she gives up for the moment. I close my eyes and wish to be at that snowy bus stop. As my imagination transforms the snowy bus stop into a hot beautiful beach with only me and a certain scantily clad calendar man as occupants I feel the sizzling heat of someones gaze and as my eyes slowly open I catch a glimpse of the back of someones head running down the pathway in front of my little squares wall. Hmm, that hair looked extremely familiar. Oh man, now I'm hallucinating. No one that works here has that delicious hair. No more visions for me.
I fish my ear buds out of my purse in my desk drawer and plug them into my iphone. I resign myself to actually doing at least some work today, and if that's going to happen I am going to need some motivational tracks to get started. I jam my ear buds into my ears and let some Kesha flow into my brain. I know its junk food music and I would never admit to it actually being in my possession but i don't care. I can really identify to the lyrics of "Blah Blah Blah". Not so much the part about having sex all over the place and wanting to be naked (at least right now anyway) but the part where she is telling somebody to shut up, really clicks. At least it will drown out the sound of 'Lauren the Skank' across the aisle answering the phone and making fake pleasantries with whoever was unlucky enough to get her on the phone. The last office sounds I hear come from the depths of her belly as she cackles a laugh totally unnecessarily. I suspect that its done just to annoy me, and it is successful as it simultaneously sends a chill down my spine and makes me want to strangle her. I focus on half of everything pumping through my earphones. Blah Blah Blah... Just zip your lips like a padlock... Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat... Blah blah blah.
My iphone is now blasting Sick Puppies, "You're Going Down", as I peek through my wall of plants to spy on my arch nemesis sitting across from me. I'm waiting for him to find the surprise I left for him while he was on his lunch break. Alice texts me to tell me that she is watching him through her little vanity mirror stand adjusted on her desk. She usually uses it to see who is behind her, possibly checking on her to make sure she is working or to catch someone just trying to scare her (I may or may not be the cause of that) or to see if she has lipstick on her teeth. Jake has been back for 20 minutes already and I can't believe he hasn't found it yet. He is ridiculously anal, he should of realized there was something missing from his desk by now.
I'm almost thrown into a grand mal seizure trying not to fall out of my chair laughing as I hear him mumble, "I believe someone has my stapler", and watch him open up his bottom drawer.
"Who did this! How dare you! My Stapler! Look what they did to my stapler! My Swingline! I brought this from home! Look what they did to my stapler Bella!" He shoves the stapler surrounded by lime green jiggling jello into my face on his way towards the kitchen to presumably save his beloved stapler.
As soon as he is out of sight Alice and I pop up and do a celebratory dance ending with a high five. "That's what he gets for drawing a handlebar mustache on my December Robalendar! That was the most drool worthy picture of the whole year and he defiled it! He should know what they say about payback by now", I babble.
"He never should of told on me about Skyping with Jasper all day either! He deserves whatever he gets! Good job Bella", Alice shrieks.
I slump back in my chair preparing to pretend I didn't just try to ruin Jake's most prized office supply in case he comes back. I think I hear a snicker coming from the cubicle to the right of me but my inner ear must still be clogged from last months ear infection because no one sits over there. It has to be Alice behind me.