Just decided to make a few changes. This ought to teach me not to upload things at two in the morning.

Once again, for my mum.

"Don't you know nobody answers the phone any more? Go on, just hang up and send me a text!"

One breath. Two. A third and…

"I can't believe I wasn't there when it happened.

I can't believe I wasn't there, right by your side, having the exact same thing happen to me, as was happening to you at that moment.

I can't believe this has happened.

And you know the part that kills me –god, what an ironic choice of word!—is that I was supposed to be. And I would have been, if it wasn't for a broken heel. The only reason I didn't make it on time, was a stupid flimsy shoe! I mean, I'm never late for anything, am I? I've never missed a connecting flight before. Half a dozen jetlagged transfers, making my way through a war-torn country or pregnant, I never failed to meet a flight that would get me home. To you. It's hard to believe that there wasn't a reason for it happening this one time.

Whatever the reason, whoever the intervening force was, I wasn't there when I should have been. And I will never, ever stop being sorry for that, will never stop offering apologies to you in my thoughts and prayers and letters. Not ever.

And I know there was nothing I could have done. There was nothing anyone could have done. But I hate the thought that while you weren't alone, there was no one there who you loved, who loved you, in that final moment.

Everyone wants to help, everyone wants to do things for me, and make things easier, but I'm not really sure how they can do that. I don't know what to do right now. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to go on with things. I mean, I know how this will work, I've been through enough of these to know the basic procedure, but I don't know what to do in the larger sense.

Because I've never not had a mom before.

How is a person supposed to do that? Be mother-less? Because I… I've been father-less most of my life, I've been grandmother-less for a few years now, but you, you've always been right there. Right where I knew you'd be, where I could always find you. Any time.

Now all I have are the memories and a voice recording. You could never just do a simple, 'It's Lorelai, leave a message,' could you? That wouldn't be you.

How did you do it? I don't remember. How did you survive knowing you would never see your mother again, for the rest of your life? How does a person do that?

I could ask Grandpa I suppose, but he's not doing too well at the moment. It's been said that no parent should ever have to go through the pain of burying a child. Even if that child was fifty-seven years old.

How does a person's heart just… stop?

I just… I have to go and say… goodbye to you. I just don't know how to do that.

And it's… they told me you didn't feel any pain. They said that it was quick, and while I'm sure one day that will help, -the thought of you alone, suffering and scared is only marginally worse than the thought of you not being here anymore- I'm still not sure what to do with it. How to feel. Am I supposed to be happy about this news?

I need to get dressed, and I need to make a few last minute phone calls, but I just needed to talk to you a little before all of that began, just needed to hear your voice, because talking to you always makes things better.

I know I once said that 'I'm going to make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken,' was going on your tombstone, but I hope you'll be happy with the direction we went in, instead.

I love you so much it hurts mommy. And I'm going to miss you every single day. We all will.

I hope to see you in my dreams soon. And often.

I love you. I love you. I love-"

FIN