Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart rolled out of bed in her Gryffindor room and flopped on the floor like a fish on dry land. Gurgle, gurgle, blurp, were the noises she made as she continued to plank on the ground. She could hear her roommates rouse themselves as her morning rituals ended. "Time to get dressed," Fiona giggled to herself. Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart jumped up like a kangaroo and put on her favorite outfit: a cozy, plaid knit sweater; a glittery blue, bedazzled denim overalls; worn, black cotton socks; a smelly, hair-covered granny bra (that she stole from her own grandmother when she last visited her in the magical nursing home); four pairs of Hello Kitty earrings that Fiona glued to her forehead; and her favorite, bright red clown nose. Fiona did not wear shoes because it was against her religion. Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart combed out luscious clumps of poop-colored hair as flakes of dandruff drifted around her like snow in a snow globe. Her cloudy pink eyes shined like moist grapefruit on a veiny hardboiled egg amid a forest of permanently glued on blue, fake eyelashes.
"Hey, Fifi Al'al Roro Toto," Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley greeted Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart cheerily as they hugged her on both sides like a pair of conjoined twins, which they had become after a horrifying spell gone wrong. "You look so kawaii, girl," they both coolly said as Fiona drooled all over their pink, purple, coconut-colored satiny, suede, velour jumpers with cute polka-dotted prison jumpers. It melted.
"Shah, Twizzles! Scoop-a-doodle, let's eat a poodle!" Fiona yelled at the top of her lungs, clumps of hair dropping like overripe mangos. It was class time! Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart flew out the window by flapping her arms, leaving a trail of dandruff, hair clumps, drool like a jet's contrail, and promptly hit a few bowling balls in the face as she sped towards the ground.
In potions class, the had a new teacher because Professor Snape went off to pursue his love of Shakespearean Puppet Theater. Their new teacher was this super sexy guy named Professor Isaiah Mordechai Proudmoore who looked a lot like John Madden. Mmmmmhhhmmmmmm, let's play American football! He started the class by selling the latest video game, Laughing Dancing Zombie Hamster and the Bubble Bomb Buzzards. Then he continues to the actual class on how to turn vanilla pudding into strawberry taffy-flavored sole inserts. Fiona gave her experiment a lick, her face contorting into a grimace. "Ugh," Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart gagged. "I hate strawberries!"
A boy sitting next to Fiona leaned over and began in a confident tone, "Hello, I'm Harry Potter." She glanced at him. He was Harry Potter but he looked a little different now. Harry Potter had gone gothic and looked like Charles Manson.
"You look like Charles Manson," Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart keenly observed.
"I know," Harry admitted. "I was trying to look like Kevin Bacon from the first part of that X-men movie but I sneezed during the operation." He them promptly sneezed in her face. "Sorry," Harry blushed. "You're the most gorgeous, wonderful, hot, sexy, and amazingly powerful witch in the history of TY Beanie Babies! Can I date you?" Potter was doing an impressive headstand as he said this but no one paid him any attention.
Fiona smiled, revealing Gollum-quality teeth but did not utter a sound. As her eyes crossed and she face planted into her desk, Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart finally grunted, "You love me? Ugh! You sing! Glumph!" With the last sound, Fiona sat up straight in her seat and turned to Harry Potter.
Without a moment's hesitation, Potter broke out into a full ballad:
"I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot o' news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse"
Still no one noticed.
Suddenly, Ron Weasley fell through the ceiling, landing right on Professor Isaiah Mordechai Proudmoore. The professor managed to squeak, "Class dismiss" before succumbing to his newly sustained wounds. While most everyone else filled out of the classroom, Ron scuttled over to where Fiona and Harry were lounging.
"Hold it, Harry," Ron burped. "I'm in love with Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart too!"
"Is that her name?" Harry blinked.
"Yep," Ron stated.
Without warning, Draco Malfoy jump roped into the room with magical fruitcakes flying around his head. He was wearing the sexiest black leather corset with a daring black leather mini skirt that had red skulls and lace all over it. Draco's black leather thigh-high boots complimented his spiky bleach blonde hair with green tips. He was even humming the tune of some Broadway musical. Fiona's elbow clicked excitedly.
"Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart, don't fall for those other blokes," Malfoy pleaded with his regular sneer. "It is I who loveth thee most! The stars burn like your cooking and the swamps' aroma reminds me of thee! Might I kiss you once or be denied the right to live?"
There was no answer. All three boys leaned in, waiting for Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart's response. Instead, Fiona fell unconscious. Harry, Ron, and Draco rushed Fiona to the infirmary where the nurse pronounced Fiona Alison Rosemary Topazheart dead on the spot. Oh, and a tree fell on Ron's foot which cause his toe to pop off and join a traveling band of banjo players. After Harry sneezed his nose off, the nurse admitted Potter to the infirmary for Sue'itis and was quarantined. Draco found a way to make millions from juggling fruitcake and jump roping on the Wizarding world's version of YouTube. All were happy except for Hermione and Ginny who, being stuck together, could never agree which was better: jam or jelly. It drove them crazy and now they work for Disney.
The End