Phil woke with the now familiar jolt, gasping for air coming up from swirling depths of icy near vacuum intent on claiming him for its own. He lay in the once soft warm welcoming embrace of his bed momentarily disorientated trying to steady his mind and breath. Normally the moments after waking were a pleasantly woozy time, warm, half awake, snuggling with Dan or just enjoying a few more moments of womb like comfort before embracing the world. There was no comfort here in their bed now, just another reminder of a familiar shape missing from his life.
Shafts of sunlight traced a path from tiny gaps in the curtains illuminating the forever present tiny dust motes, which Phil had always insisted were fairies, or spies from another dimension depending on his mood. Now they just reminded him of the way dan rolled his eyes and laughed when he talked about them, everything reminded him of Dan.
He took a deep breath threw off the covers leaving them where they fell and made his way to the kitchen. Tomorrow was Sunday, how he was going to be able to face seeing Dan and work with him, pretending that nothing had happened he didn't know. He did know that the beta blockers that his GP had prescribed were helping to quell the most obvious physical signs of the panic, anxiety and sickness he felt.
The light on his phone flashed, he'd turned off the audible text alert it had too many associations with the cheerful texts he and Dan would send back and forth when they weren't together. Phil glanced at it and saw a text from Dan scroll along the top bar. He got the gist of it. "I'm so sorry Phil, I never meant to hurt you the way I did... I'm young... I'm dumb ...Please let me help..." blah blah blah Phil finished the text in his head. He hadn't actually opened any of the texts yet, and he probably wouldn't. Seeing anything from or about Dan made his stomach twist into a pretzel, and made his heart feel as if it was being torn apart by a big grizzly bear. Which it kind of was.
This time his phone rang, PJ, and this time Phil picked it up. It had been a week since he posted his confession video and he hadn't spoken to anyone since then, not even his family who were now threatening to beat down his door if he didn't get in touch soon. "Hi Peej".
"Jesus Phil, thank god I was starting to think you'd jumped off the roof or something, were you there when I called around yesterday... and the day before, and the...".
"Yes I was here" Phil cut in before PJ could list all the occasions he'd called over and got no answer. "I'm so sorry Peej, I really couldn't face talking to anyone. I haven't even been on the internet other than to watch things to take my mind off my life. I really don't want to see what people have been saying at the moment"
"Can I come over? Upshot is people have been quite nice, there has been the odd outburst from overprotective Dan fans but we expected that. On the whole people's hearts have gone out to you"
Phil sighed and took in a deep shaky breath. He was glad people had generally reacted well, but he didn't want pity, and he didn't want to read any messages that had 'his' name in them, he was trying very hard not to think about him. He'd been able to avoid the last radio show and his live show this week by 'going on holiday with his family'. Everyone close to him knew that he was really just at home living on cereal and wandering about in his pjs. "Yes Please, it would be good to see you Peej, I think I'm ready to.. I need to see another human being now".
PJ was there faster than Phil expected, he forgot that despite having a base with Sophie and the rest of his 'crew' PJ really was at Chris's more than he wasn't.
"Dear god Phil have you showered since I was here last"
"Um... no, I don't think so... Have you seen him Peej?"
PJ's bright eyes seemed to cloud for a moment, his hands going up to his hair as if the action could clear his mind, help his brain formulate the right words.
"Yes, he came over to Chris's two days ago, he said he'd tried to come over and see you when you didn't respond to any of his calls, emails, texts etc but that you didn't answer and his key didn't work"
Phil's face took on a look which should have been a smile, but looked closer to tears, a broken face trying to form a shape it had forgotten. "Yeah, I had the locks changed, I decide that I couldn't go on living with him when he came home reeking of 'her', being all light hearted as if nothing had changed... could you tell him if he wants his stuff it will be outside the door at 2pm on Thursday, if he's not there to collect it tough, whoever's passing can take it".
As Phil spoke there was an emptiness to him, his face was blank and his body was still, as if the words were issuing from a mannequin. Even the effort to speak and move made him hurt inside. The stillness usually seemed to protect him a little from his own rising tide of emotion. He'd hoped that the grief would subside, and he would start to move through the stages of loss, he knew he needed to if he was going to get over this. His heart had other ideas though, instead of feeling less raw, he was becoming a bloody mess of skinless flesh, nothing was right, nothing made him smile, and nothing could make him forget.
They'd been talking as they mounted the stairs, standing in the hallway outside the lounge the light from the doorway seemed to highlight Phil, making his blue eyes bluer, and his skin take on an almost ethereal quality, he looked almost insubstantial, quite a feat for such a tall guy PJ thought.
Noting a panicky desperate look cloud his friends eyes PJ moved closer, wrapped one arm around his shoulders, and used the other hand to cradle his head and guide it to his own shoulder, rocking him like a child. Whispering words of comfort. "It's ok, there there, we love you, you aren't alone, you have a great family who are there for you too". All he got back for his trouble at first was a muffled guttural wail "but none of you are Dan!". Phil didn't cry, he just shook, breaths coming fast and deep, a panic attack that was too intense to react verbally or physically to, everything faded out and it was just the fear, the need to run away, just to run to do anything, but he couldn't. He just let PJ hold him while he tried to ride out the intense emotion and feeling of fear, loss, grief and anger that were ripping through him like an iceberg through the Titanic.
This was not good, PJ rocked Phil and held him as if he was trying to hold him together, slowly he guided him into the lounge, holding his arms as he lowered them both to sit on the sofa, Phil immediately clung to PJ again as if he was a life jacket in choppy seas. Memories of Phil and Dan together played in PJ's minds eye Phil had been so happy then, he thought Dan had been too. Dan had always been more fickle than Phil, more changeable but he'd always loved Phil or so they thought. When he'd turned up at Chris's looking sheepish and embarrassed he'd had to send Chris out of the room to calm down. Chris's first instinct had been to punch Dan, and as Chris was not normally a physically violent person it betrayed the depth of anger he felt at his friend.
PJ felt physically hot, and twitchy, as he rocked the friend that was literally falling apart at the seams in his arms. He wrestled with the dilemma of whether or not to tell him what Dan had begged him not to until he could tell him face to face.
A small muffled voice issued from the vicinity of his shoulder, "how did he look? What did he say? Did he mention me?"
"He looked ok, got another leather shirt he's looking more 'village people' every day"
Phil chuckled, damn if that wasn't the best sound in the world.
Warm hands moved to Phil's shoulders and held him at arms length, he looked into PJ's concerned eyes and managed a smile, and was surprised to feel relief maybe the grief was finally 'breaking'. PJ pulled him in for a swift crushing hug, slapped him on the back and instructed him to get his stinky self into the shower while he made them coffee and bacon and eggs.
As the hot water coursed over him, he felt that he was being cleansed internally and externally. He wasn't over anything yet, he doubted he ever would be completely. Even the sounds of PJ clattering about in the kitchen brought back memories of happy domesticity with Dan, but the feelings didn't overwhelm him and make him run for the toilet to throw up or dry heave as they would have done earlier in the week.
Hearing Phil chuckle had given PJ hope, but he still didn't know whether to tell Phil about Dan. The arse hole had come to his senses apparently. After watching the video he'd packed up the few things he had at Jen's place left her a note and headed off, back to Phil, or so he'd hoped. Finding the doors locked and unable to get in he'd come to them asking if he could stay for a few days. PJ didn't know whether he was more disgusted at Dan for what he'd done to Phil or by the fact that he'd dumped his girlfriend in such an ungentlemanly way too. No wait, definitely more angry at him for what he did to Phil, but there was no need to treat the girl so shabilly, it wasn't her fault.
He was one of their best friends but they were not giving him an easy time over what he'd done. As he cooked he pondered over whether to let Phil know yet. Dan felt what he wanted to say would come better from him, but Chris thought they should give Phil a heads up. He paced the kitchen more than was strictly necessary for the simple preparation of bacon and eggs. Deep in thought he nearly dropped the kettle when his phone started to buzz in his pocket, it was Chris.
"Hi... slow doooownnn... No, … no, well the poor man's in bits, there wasn't a moment that seemed right to blurt out your ex wants you back... Oh shit, right... I get you now... tell him he can't...He needs to wait...Ahh! God that boy's a loose cannon"
"Peej?".."Uhmm I'll ring you back". PJ cut Chris off mid sentence and placed the phone on the counter next to the spatula. The eggs ignored and left to fry themselves hard and crispy as Phil stood at the kitchen door swathed in towels looking disturbingly like a druid, waiting for PJ to speak. PJ was clearly having trouble formulating a sentence as the seconds ticked by, so Phil decided to break the silence "So Peej, are you going to tell me what that was about?".
"Ok, but get dressed quickly and I'll tell you over a bacon sandwich, I think the eggs are screwed. You look as if you haven't eaten since I last saw you so no arguments Philip." In only a couple of minutes the boys were seated in the lounge bacon sandwiches in hands. Phil was a horrible mixture of excited and bereft. Excited because Dan wanted him back? and god he wanted that so badly! it was all he thought about, but bereft, because he didn't think he should take him back. He didn't know if he could trust him again.
"OK... right, umm, well Phil, here's the thing. Dan came to ours when he couldn't get in here. Please don't be angry, he asked to stay for a while, he's left Jen. He said that he had never and would never love anyone as much as he loves you and he's been an idiot. I'll tell you more about what he said later if you like, but there's no time right now. Because despite Chris practically nailing him to the floor he's on his way here, said he couldn't stand it any longer and that he had to see you, he knows I'm here so probably thinks I'll let him in.
Phil stared at PJ, open mouthed so quiet not even his breathing could be heard. He could never go through this pain again he didn't know if he would survive it a second time. He felt anger welling up inside him, how dare he think he could just waltz back in to his life, say sorry and it would all be ok. He was the best thing that had ever happened to Phil, he'd burst into his life like a whirlwind and they'd been swept away on a tide of love and mutual feeling about the world ever since. Until Dan did the unthinkable. Phil would have trusted him with his life and he'd betrayed him. He stood up knocking his tea over. Wiping suddenly sweaty palms against his trousers. PJ stood too hands half outstretched, he didn't know whether Phil was going to collapse, run or hit him. His eyes were wide and wild, his skin pale glowing now with flush of sweat that had sprung seemingly from nowhere, his mouth opened and shut several times as if to speak but no sound came out.
"Phil? Talk to me, what do you want to do, are you ok?"
Phil's voice came back, quiet, deep and determined.
"No! Peej, I'm not ok. Today was the first time I've smiled since he did this, and now he's messing with my head again. It doesn't matter how hard I try and build my walls back up, he comes in and knocks them back down again with a word. I love him Peej, so much it's hard to breath without him here. He was literally my whole life, I don't know who I am without him anymore"
Finally tears started to spill, he didn't meet PJ's eyes but seemed to be focussed internally on memories, or feelings he couldn't articulate. He swayed a little his hands clenched into fists at his side. When he spoke again it was in a whisper.
"That's why I can't see him Peej, I'm not strong enough to face him yet. Fuck! I'm not going to be able to do the radio show again tomorrow either if he's going to be bringing this up."
PJ breathed out deeply, sympathy and sadness etched in his face, he reached out a hand and took one of Phil's; just holding it for a moment as he poured out his fears.
"If I see him now and he says he wants me back I'll take him, I'll have him back in a heartbeat and I'll be happy, for the moment. I can't do that Peej, he might do it to me again, I won't be able to trust him, I don't know if I can forgive him but I won't be able to finish it I'm not strong enough. One look into those beautiful brown eyes and I'll be lost, I can't trust myself to say no, I can't let him back in".
"I understand Phil, what can I do?... is there anything I *can* do?..."
As PJ spoke Phil pulled himself together. He ran to his bedroom, their bedroom most nights when they'd been together, grabbed a holdall from under the bed and started throwing t-shirts, socks and pants in. PJ followed in his wake, trying to get him to talk.
"Phil? What are you doing?". Phil didn't answer straight away, focussed on speed, he moved to the bathroom, and with a clatter swept any products on the surfaces into a carrier bag and threw it into his holdall.
Turning to face a by now quite flustered PJ "Like I said Peej I can't risk seeing him, or even hearing his voice because all I want to do right now is feel him in my arms and never let him go".
Phil took a few steadying breaths before continuing, walking as he spoke picking up a few things on his way through the flat. He grabbed a set of keys from the white shelves in the lounge, and pressed them into PJ's hand.
"Don't let Dan have these, don't even let him know they exist or he'll try and sweet talk you out of them. They're a spare set for the new locks. I want you to keep them... If you don't mind... I'm going to leave by the back door that opens into the garden ok Peej, I don't want to risk running into him on my way out."
PJ could feel his pulse beating a rhythm in his neck, he was confused and worried
"Why, umm what are you doing, where are you going, what do I tell Dan?"
"I'm leaving for a few days, don't worry I'm not running away forever, I just want to think for a while and I don't want to be worried about that big dork turning up on my doorstep every five minutes. I'm not sure where I'm going, probably just book into a random hotel."
"You don't have to do this Phil, he wants to talk to you and try and make it up to you, but if you don't want that Chris and I, and I'm sure your other friends too can try and keep him away until you're ready".
"It's ok Peej, really, I just need to think away from everyone, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the radio yet, I might phone in sick".
As they talked they walked towards the back entrance. Phil was glad that their flat wasn't in a block, but a big old house split up into apartments. They had a garden if they wanted it and right now he was very grateful for the second point of entry and exit.
"I'm really sorry for leaving you to face Dan, you can come out this way if you like and just leave him to knock. He can't get in anyway".
"I think I'd better be here Phil, if you don't mind, he was talking about going through the landlord to get a locksmith, because his name is on the lease too. He wasn't being a prick at the time, honestly. He was worried about you and wanted to make sure you hadn't done something stupid, but I want to talk to him so the idea doesn't take hold. So he doesn't think about doing that just to get in to see you".
"OK, thanks Peej, I guess I'll have to talk to him at some point about the lease, but I'm not ready yet".
Phil leant in and gave him a tight hug, letting out a heavy breath. PJ noticed that he was still trembling slightly.
"I don't want to see him right now, and I don't want him back... actually if you don't mind could you tell him that if I want to speak to him I'll get in touch. I don't want him harassing me with phone calls, emails and stuff or so help me God I'll change every phone number and social media contact I have, and move away."
PJ stood facing a very determined slightly dishevelled Phil, shocked by the complete determination his friend was displaying, he hadn't thought it consciously but he realised he'd kind of assumed that they would get back together. Even if Phil took time and made Dan suffer a bit first, but now he wasn't so sure.
"Well ok... I can't stop you, but you let me know that you're safe ok? Send me a text every day, even if it's only a text saying 'daily text as promised' or something. Just so I know you're alive … right phil!?"
"I promise, now I've got to go 'cos I'm sure it won't be long before he's here".
PJ watched as his friend left the garden, it was a beautiful day for the time of year. Though the solitary tree in the garden was bare the sun splashed the branches with warmth and cast intricate patterns on the ground below. PJ turned his head upwards and closed his eyes enjoying the faint warmth against his skin. Even though the hustle and bustle of London was audible it felt very peaceful here. He sighed before entering the flat and locking the door behind him.