Her heart beating out of her chest, Rebecca threw her head back onto the pillow, breathing heavily. Nathaniel rolled off of her onto his back beside her, and she tingled all over as the cool air hit her sweat-covered skin. Well, that was not the only reason she was tingling, or the only place, and she squeezed her eyes shut to more enjoy the carefree, uncomplicated happiness bubbling through her.
She heard a movement on the pillow beside her. Nathaniel was still so close that she felt his breath on her cheek when he spoke. "Are you sure this was okay?"
The genuine concern in his voice was a big part of what stopped this from being a "stupid crazy mistake" and put it more in the realm of "the timing could be better and this is not a perfect situation anyway but meh, let's go with it". She thought back to earlier in the night, when he'd stopped and asked her for the first time whether her therapy was okay with her having sex. Now that she thought about it, he'd given her a chance to back out the other time too, when she'd promised him his wildest fantasies and he'd told her that she didn't have to go through with it even though he'd done what she'd asked. Well, not quite what she'd asked, definitely not what she'd asked, but that was not the point right now.
For someone who talked a lot of shit about meaningless sex and getting whatever women he wanted, he was being awfully considerate of her consent and her wellbeing.
"It's fine," she said, smiling again as she thought about the rest of her weekend. "It's perfect. I'm only going for a C+ anyway."
She couldn't remember anyone moving as fast as Nathaniel did as he sat upright in bed, disrupting the quilt that had half-covered the two of them. Opening her eyes, she saw a mix of alarm, affront and desperation on his face. "A C+? You'd rate me a… a C+?"
Unable to help herself, Rebecca shrugged, grimacing slightly. "Well…" she said, really drawing out the word, but she laughed when she saw genuine panic in his eyes. Grabbing his arm – his well-defined, fat-free arm – she pulled on it. "No, you idiot, that's my grade. For life," she added, when she saw by his confusion that he thought she was still talking about sex. "It's a therapy thing. He thinks… No." She shook her head. "It's true, that I try so hard to score an A+ at life that I fall apart if I fail even a little bit. So, this weekend I've been living a C+ life."
"I see," he said, finally letting her pull him back down onto the bed. "So sleeping with me is a C+ sort of thing."
"Just shut up already."
Surprisingly, he did exactly that, for a few minutes anyway. He resettled on the bed, putting his hands behind his head nonchalantly, except she was pretty sure that he was tensing his biceps. She watched his throat as he swallowed, lifting his chin and looking straight up and the ceiling. "Are sleepovers allowed, or does that break the rules?"
Rolling over onto her side, she stuck her elbow into the pillow and rested her cheek in her palm, watching him consideringly. He was so determined to appear unfazed, but it warmed her to know that he might care whether she stayed or left. His eyed flicked in her direction, then darted back to the ceiling when he noticed that she'd caught him looking. "Who knows," she said after a moment. "Sneaking out after coitus is the bad girl thing to do, right? But probably more sensible. It's probably a grey area whether I stay or go."
Nathaniel didn't move, didn't react, and it took her a moment for it to occur to her that maybe he didn't want to influence her decision. She bit her lip and frowned, considering him, considering herself. "I do know one thing for sure," she said quietly, and at her change in tone he glanced over to her again, only this time he didn't look away. "I said already that I'm not in a good place for a relationship." Her words felt like an apology as they came out. "I don't know when that's going to change. But…" She paused, then changed tactic as she couldn't figure out the right words to get her thoughts across. "Relationships have always made me a little crazy. Or maybe my crazy has always made my relationships crazy. And… unhealthy. I've done some… things."
Finally, he turned his head to look at her again, and instead of the judgement she was expecting – she knew what he'd read in her file – his lips were pressed together as though he was trying not to smile, and he was doing a terrible job of hiding the mirth in his eyes. "Like chasing your boss around the office and trying to kill him with a pen?"
She felt a thrill that was equal parts excitement, lust, and a surprising amount of relief. "…Yes," she said after a long pause, and found herself smiling in answer to his grin. All too soon her mind returned to what she'd been saying, and her smile faded. "I pathologically change myself to suit and win and manipulate the man or the friend or the situation. It's not healthy," she said bluntly. "It's something I need to work on."
His smile had faded too, but he didn't look annoyed, he didn't look angry. He looked resigned. "I understand," he said quietly, the corner of his lip lifting in a half-hearted half-smile.
"No, you don't," she said firmly. She took a deep breath and pushed on. "I just feel like myself around you. I feel good about myself. I don't feel like I have to trick you into liking me. I don't have to change myself to be what you want me to be."
There it was – that's how she felt. Well, maybe not the entirety of how she felt, or how she thought she felt, but she knew that she wasn't in the right place to be making grand statements right now. She did have a tendency to put her self-worth onto other people, and although she didn't feel like that's what she was doing with Nathaniel, she knew that now wasn't the time to test that theory. There was no rush to define whatever was going on where Nathaniel was concerned, except perhaps to say that this slow, flirty, whatever-this-is just felt right for now.
"I don't want you to change yourself," he said quietly, and she realised they'd been lying in silence for a few minutes. "But you're changing me. A little. I guess. I don't know." He sighed heavily. "I'm still… feeling things." He shuddered dramatically, then glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, his expression challenging her to cast him away, to smush him underneath the sole of her shoe for daring to express any sort of emotion.
Did he have any idea how much her heart twisted at the blatant vulnerability in such a look? More so because she knew exactly where it came from, and struggled with her parents acceptance as much as he did. She couldn't think of turning her back on him for opening up, but to face it too head on might make him seize up – it certainly did that to her more often than not.
So with her free hand, she poked him hard in the side, scrunching her face up into a teasing grin. "Aw, stone cold bully Nathaniel Plimpton the third has feeeewiiinngs," she said, saying 'the third' with as much pompousness that she could muster, and drawing out the word 'feelings' with her best twelve year old girl voice.
He groaned loudly, rolling his eyes but she saw his mouth twisting into a smothered grin. She kept poking at him until he moved his arm out from underneath his head and tried to elbow her away, but she was having none of that. She grabbed his forearm to stop him, and tried to get him with her other hand but he was just as ready for her, taking her wrist in his hand and pulling her arm over the other side of him so she couldn't reach him with it. This had her lying half on top of him, and the feeling of his bare skin underneath hers made her feel warm in a way that was not just sexual (but was also totally sexual). She struggled against him, giggling despite herself, feeling both satisfied and excited when she felt as much as heard his chuckle from deep within his chest.
His arm slipped around her waist, holding her against him, and when she realised how close they were she stopped struggling, focusing instead on the strength of his arm around her, how warm and hard his chest felt underneath her cheek. His grip on her relaxed when she did. His hand around her wrist loosened but didn't let go, bringing it over to rest on his chest, and she sighed into him, feeling comfortable and, and happy.
Nathaniel's fingers drew slow circles on her back, and she closed her eyes, smiling absently to herself. Who would have known that he was a cuddler?
His breathing had evened out, and Rebecca felt a moment away from sleep when his hand slipped between them to cup her breast. "Classy," she breathed.
"I didn't know if you were still awake."
She opened one eye and twisted her head to look at him. "And that's how you find out?"
He smirked slightly, unfazed. She watched his Adam's apple bob up and down, so maybe not so unfazed. His hand returned to the small of her back. "I know you're probably not up for it yet, but your job is there for you when you want it. If you want it," he added quickly when she raised her head to look at him properly, confusion and surprise swelling inside her. "I know that looking after yourself is the most important thing right now," he continued, "but I figured it might not be too stressful since you only really show up half of the time, and when you're there it's not like you actually do any work." He started to look uncomfortable when she didn't laugh or even smile. Clearing his throat, he lowered his eyes. "Besides, your mom spelt the company name wrong on your resignation letter, so technically it doesn't count anyway…"
She wanted to laugh, to roll her eyes, to lighten the mood by responding to his barb, but she couldn't move past her incredulity. "You want me back?" she said blankly. "After… after everything."
Nathaniel shrugged, then shook himself slightly, determinedly meeting her eyes again. "You're the best lawyer we have on your worst day, Bunch. Plus, it's good for business to have a New York hot shot lawyer on the books, even if she only bothers to show up to the office for two hours every other day."
Rebecca managed a small smile at his obvious attempt to stir her up, even as her mind was racing as she tried to figure out what she wanted. She tried to find some sort of resignation or hesitancy in his eyes, and when she couldn't find any she slowly lowered her head back onto his chest. "I'll come back. But not yet. But soon. And…" The words got caught in her throat, not because she didn't want to say them, but because she meant them too much. "Thank you. I mean it. Not just for this; for all of it. It helps."
His lips in her hair, his hand drawing patterns on her bare skin again, made her finally able to relax again. He hummed deep in his throat when she did so.
When his hand moved around to find her breast again, she huffed a sigh.
"You realise how inappropriate it is that you just offered me my job back, and you bookend that with groping at my boobs."
"Take it up with HR," he murmured, thumbing at her nipple before bringing both of his hands up to her neck, guiding her face to his. She met his lips gladly.