A/N: I was bitter about s4 but then I realized instead of ranting to everyone about it, I could write crack. So I did.
I. Of Psychic Detectives and Schrödinger's Villains
John blinked.
"Twins?" Mycroft's face was sour, his tone unimpressed. An insult ready in his tongue—sharp enough to pierce skin, almost too painful to keep between his lips—and a twitch of an eye. He was rapidly approaching his breaking point; just two more lefts and a right turn and he'd be in destination Mental Breakdown in no time.
Sherlock just winked. Because of course he did.
Mycroft's fingers twitched while his face further attempted to suck into itself. It appeared he had just made a left turn.
"There is no twin" Mycroft briefly broke eye contact with Sherlock in order to burn, thankfully only imaginary, holes into John's body. Almost as if it was his fault that Sherlock had come up with the twin theory.
Which honestly. Hurtful. Sherlock was perfectly capable of coming up with stupid shit all by himself.
John was tempted to flip him off but thought better of it. He just rolled his eyes instead and turned to Mary for support.
He didn't find it. Instead, he found her typing something on her phone. John had to pout because what was the point of having a wife if not to bond with her over how ridiculous the Holmes brothers could be.
Soon Mary's gaze met Sherlock's.
"You have no clue, do you?" She looked at him like she often did ever since the whole Shooting Accident TM. Her eyes held a slight guilt she couldn't be bothered to be too worked up about, glazed with a hefty dose of "let's pretend I didn't almost kill you".
John wasn't quite sure how to feel about people being willing to commit murder because they love him. If he was honest with himself, part of him was flattered. The other... He wasn't thrilled about his best friend almost dying—really, he was fucking pissed about that, because what the fuck.
He also wasn't thrilled about his best friend almost getting exiled.
John made a face. He would need to sit down Mary and Sherlock and tell them about appropriate ways to express their love for him. Preferably ones that won't end up with Sherlock being taken away from him.
...
Oh. And that don't involve killing people. Killing people is bad. Yeah. That too.
"Pffttt. Of course I do. Who knows Moriarty better than me?"
John sighed. He knew it was a possibility that Sherlock was bullshitting them. He had been higher than a fucking kite, but maybe, just maybe, Sherlock knew exactly what he was doing.
Mycroft's glare was so intense that his eyes were nearly slits. John eyed the handle of Mycroft's umbrella and winced. His grip on it was so strong that John was empathizing with an inanimate object. If this conversation continued the way it was going, John knew he would be compelled to open a shelter for abused umbrellas.
"This is serious, Sherlock"
"So am I"
In 200 meters turn right
"I looked everywhere. I can't find anything about Moriarty having a twin" it was moments like these that only helped John feel more confused about his wife. He loved her. He hated her. He didn't care about her past. He did. Fuck her.
Wait.
No.
...Yes?
"You look but you don't observe" Mary continued to look. Unimpressed, that is.
"Sherlock!" Mycroft didn't yell, but rather hissed. But not. Because you can't hiss 'Sherlock'. The sounds are too harsh and definitely not the ones required for hissing. John knew it because he had personal experience. It didn't work. And if his effort was questioned, John would have to cut a bitch, because he had given it his all and the only thing he had to show for it had been a sore throat.
Anyway.
Mycroft's not hiss.
Sherlock finally began to look like he wasn't a crack addict. Which was a feat, seeing as he was and had recently almost OD'd.
"There's a perfectly logical explanation for it" he looked solemn.
Mary raised an eyebrow.
"What do you know?" maybe Sherlock wasn't bullshitting them after all.
"You can't find his twin because it's a secret twin" oh boy...
"You see...Moriarty's twin was so unstable and so much more dangerous than him that he was sent to a top secret facility where all traces of him were erased—"
You have arrived at your destination
It had taken three shoes and a tranquilizer to stop Mycroft from strangling his brother.
"Why, Sherlock...just why?" John grimaced as Mary cleaned up the scratches on his face. Mycroft was fucking ruthless.
"What's the point of having a brother that's the British government, if he can't get me pardoned"
"You kinda killed someone, Sherlock"
"He was a dick" Mary shook her head fondly. Because of course she did.
"True" Magnussen truly was a dick. The dickiest dick that ever dicked.
"They wanted to know what Moriarty had planned. I just gave them the most reasonable possibility given the circumstances"
"A secret twin?" Mary asked mostly amused. Maybe the reason why he couldn't bring himself to fully hate her was because of how easily she got along with Sherlock. Despite everything, it was entirely possible she saw him as a friend. After all, where did it say you couldn't like and enjoy friendships with people you tried to kill? Hmmmm?
Murder attempts and desires of friendship were not mutually exclusive.
Check and mate. Watson wins.
"The video is the same two seconds in a loop and I was gone less than fifteen fucking minutes. I'm a genius, not a psychic"
"Huh. So you have no idea how he did it?" John didn't exactly feel happy about that.
"None whatsoever" Sherlock looked thoughtful. "Well. Definitely not a twin. Much less a secret twin. Imagine that. A secret sibling locked away in a secret prison. How stupid would that be?"
John had to agree. It was really fucking stupid. Mary also nodded in agreement.
Mycroft's unconscious body only twitched on the ground. He might have made a noise. But it was more likely he was choking on his spit. If he wasn't though, John would assume he was agreeing with them.
He sighed as bent over to grab his shoes. He was never going to catch a break, was he? At least Sherlock was back.
He wiped a bit of blood from his shoe and then looked at his friend.
Everything would be okay as long Sherlock was at his side.