Where it Was Dark
SM owns it all…
Chapter 1
I could feel the tears sitting at the brim of my eyes, waiting to spill over, waiting to release me from the pain that was building within me. Well, maybe it wasn't entirely pain that I was feeling; a good majority of it was probably frustration.
Because here I was again, for the third time tonight, with my head resting against the shiny porcelain toilet as my body rid itself of the food I'd eaten earlier. I couldn't hold anything down and it didn't even matter how light the meal was, it just wouldn't settle in my stomach.
I was tired, scared and utterly alone. Although I knew Charlie was just in the next room, I still felt a terrible pang of loneliness run through me. Nobody that understood how confining my life was; nobody could comprehend the fear and terror I felt with each new symptom. And I downplayed all of it, always. Because I didn't want to worry my parents. It was common knowledge that if I freaked out, they would too.
Charlie was a heavy sleeper, so I felt confident that my violent retching wouldn't awaken him. A small part of me wished it would so he would come in and join me and see what I was going through. Hold me while I allowed my body to be ravaged by the medication, I just didn't want to do this alone anymore.
It was good to see that certain things about my father hadn't changed; just like Forks hadn't changed much either. Not since I was last here three years ago. Charlie still ate most of his meals at the local diner, was still Police Chief, and still lived alone in the same house I had grown up in.
I stopped visiting when the diagnosis was made. It was just too difficult to coordinate a visit because of my hectic schedule. Between Renee and Phil working, school and my appointments, it just didn't seem like there was any time left over anymore.
Thus, Arizona had become my own personal hell.
After the first round of a particularly aggressive chemotherapy treatment, I lost all of my hair. Attractive, huh? I had so much of it; it was almost like a security blanket for me. I could hide my face in it, I could hide my tears in it, and most importantly, it was the only part of my awkward lanky self that actually managed to allow me to feel beautiful; even if only in passing.
Once I lost my hair, it was kind of hard to keep the cancer a secret. At that point, everyone knew. Everyone understood what was going on. And I didn't want that. I didn't want pity, I didn't want sympathy, and I just wanted to exist as I had before the illness.
So I moved back to Forks to live with my father. It was going to be my fresh start, where nobody knew that I was sick. It would be the first time since I was diagnosed at fourteen where I could just live without the weight of my illness hanging over my head.
And the good thing about Charlie was that he didn't hover. He would ask how I was feeling, make sure I was okay, but beyond that he wouldn't push me. And if I was to be honest, I needed a break from Renee. She was so maternal, always so concerned and inserted herself into every aspect of my life.
My heart panged a little at the thought of Renee as I pulled myself from the cold tiles of the floor. I missed her. I quickly rinsed my mouth out with water, brushed my teeth and then dragged myself back to my bed, pulling the covers up close to my face, trying to stay warm, trying not to think of my mother, and what I had left behind.
It took a while before I could fall back to sleep as I was anxiously awaiting my first day at Forks High, and while I waited for my body to drift back into sleep, I cried. Wishing to be anybody but Isabella Swan.
***
2 Months Later
"God, I will never understand why you need so much sleep! C'mon, wake up, Bella. It's almost time to go."
Oh, Alice. Everyday she found some new, creative way to wake me up, and today was no different. I rubbed my eyes and yawned loudly trying to regain my vision.
"And I'll never understand how you don't require any sleep," I said lazily pulling myself out of bed.
"Pfft. I like not having to sleep, it gives me time to pick out what you're going to wear everyday," Alice's voice was smug with satisfaction as she rifled through my closet, reaching to the back to pull out an outfit she had bought for me that I had purposely tried to 'lose'.
"My guess is that today, I'm wearing that," I said, pointing to the outfit she had in her freakishly steel grip. She smiled and nodded, dancing around my room, cleaning things up as she went. I groaned loudly.
"Alice, why can't I just wear my own clothing? I like wearing sweatpants and a sweater. It's comfortable." I complained, pulling a brush through my unruly hair. Each morning when I ran my brush through my hair, I was grateful it had grown back so quickly. It made hiding my illness much easier.
"Comfortable is overrated," she stated simply as she sprawled out across my bed "Plus, once you get used to wearing clothing like that, you'll be comfortable in it!"
"Doubtful." I said under my breath, grabbing a towel and my toiletries bag before slipping into the bathroom to shower.
***
"Alice, I seriously think you should slow down!" I shrieked, watching as the speedometer reached well over 70mph. Alice looked at me and started giggling.
"Nope. I have everything under control. And, I have a wicked need for speed!" She shouted happily, her foot pressing harder on the gas pedal.
"It's great that you're immortal – but remember, I'm a mere human, and death is pretty much a guarantee for me!" Suddenly, the car slowed down to a more appropriate speed and Alice's eyes were on mine, softly gazing at me.
"Bella, I can't believe how well you've taken all of this… most people… most people would freak out and run in the opposite direction, doing everything they could to avoid me and my family. But you're not afraid of us at all. If anything, you're more drawn to us then you should be," Alice's expression became amused again. "You're kind of a freak!" she said happily, staring forward again.
"You're not as scary as you all seem to think you are. If anything, you're probably more normal then most of the people I've met in my life. And I know none of you could hurt me. Well technically you can hurt me but you wouldn't" I said confidently.
"You're right." She said, smiling again. "Plus, without you, who would I go shopping with?" I laughed loudly; shaking my head at the thought of Alice's shopping trips. Only two months being her friend and already Alice had subjected me to more shopping trips then I'd ever been on in my entire life. Basically, I felt like a lab rat – but, I should be used to that feeling… shouldn't I?
"So…" I stopped before I could finish my sentence, changing my mind, deciding I didn't want to re-hash this tiring subject again.
"What's on your mind, Bella?" Alice asked. It looked as though I wouldn't be dodging this subject as easily as I had hoped.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me. I know you were about to say something, so say it!" She urged, and I caved. The situation was bothering me enough to want to talk about it.
"I just don't understand Edward, and why he reacts the way he does to me."
"Bella, don't take the way Edward treats you personally. He tends to overreact a lot. And this is no different." Alice assured me, flashing me a toothy white smile as she accelerated even more.
"But why is he so angry that you told me? I was bound to find out on my own anyway. And I was starting to notice just how strange your family is…"
"He thinks that it's dangerous," Alice explained as we pulled into the parking lot of Forks High.
"But I would never tell anyone - I would never do that to any of you."
"Bella, we know that, and that's not what I meant. Edward believes that it's dangerous for you. Do you remember when Jasper explained the concept of the Volturi to you after I first told you?" I nodded "Well, there are consequences for sharing out secret with a human. But, it's really not likely that the Volturi would ever find out. Ever." I nodded again, and leaned back into the leather seat of Alice's Mercedes.
I inhaled deeply, trying to ignore the familiar feeling of fatigue and nausea that washed over me. My body was exhausted. I've been having many sleepless nights, and I could barely keep a single meal down. Although I was in remission, the doctors in Arizona had prescribed me more chemotherapy in the form of pills to help prevent a relapse. This particular round of chemo wasn't as harsh, and had fewer side effects, but it still made day to day life difficult and tiring.
Especially if you were trying to hide the fact that you had cancer from everyone around you, even the people closest to you. Especially if those 'people' were actually vampires with incredibly heightened senses, the ability to sense your moods and see your future.
"You okay, Bella? You're looking a bit pale – and that's kind of clashing with your outfit" Alice teased. I straightened up, inhaled sharply and fake-scowled in Alice's direction.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just a bit tired."
"You're not losing sleep over the Edward issue, are you?" She questioned, reapplying her lipstick in the mirror of her car. I laughed to myself at her question. Sure, I thought about Edward a lot, but he definitely wasn't the sole reason for my lack of sleep. Losing sleep over Edward actually seemed kind of pleasant in comparison to a night of vomiting and sleeplessness.
"No, I'm not. I assure you."
"Bella, you do know that you're quite transparent" Alice teased, fiddling with my hair as she spoke, "which means that we all know how you feel about Edward." I blushed. I was pretty sure I turned about ten shades of red in less than twenty seconds. At least it was an improvement from being so pale white I almost looked blue.
"Oh God," I groaned, biting at my bottom lip, "is it that obvious?"
"Yes. It's very obvious – Bella, stop, you're going to chew your lip off! But what's also obvious is how he feels about you."
"Repulsed, angered, enraged, embarrassed… hungry?" I chuckled at the last guess, smoothing back my hair before opening the car door.
"Au contraire, Bella," I was startled when Jasper appeared in front of the driver's door, extending his hand to help Alice out of the car. Alice placed a dainty kiss on the tip of his nose "I would say that Edward's feelings are rather… mutual. And I would know."
My heart thudded lightly at the prospect of this. And, Jasper of all people would know.
"Whatever." I didn't want to seem like the idea meant too much to me, in case Jasper was wrong. I looked over to see Alice and Jasper smiling at me. Of course vampire hearing meant they probably knew exactly how I was feeling right now, they could probably hear my heart thudding wildly. My indifference was translucent.
Now that I knew they were vampires everything about them made a lot more sense.
***
I walked slowly to my next class. Depending on the day, and the mood of my lab partner, it was the class I either looked forward to the most, or the least. It was the only class I had with Edward, and as luck would have it, he and I were lab partners.
Lately, this class was particularly difficult to get through. Edward hadn't spoken to me since Alice had told me the truth, and I spent a good majority of the class trying to keep myself from gawking at Edward. Usually, he noticed me staring before I could compose myself enough to look away, which was painfully embarrassing. But at least in this class I didn't have to fight with myself to stay awake. That was a good thing, especially since Alice wasn't in this class so I didn't have anyone to poke and prod me when I started to nod off.
When I reached room 114 I stood outside for a few moments, leaning against the wall near the door, trying to steady my nerves. Even though Edward wouldn't associate with me, I still felt the effect he had on me.
The way my hair stood on end when his exceptionally cold hand grazed my own accidentally, the way he looked at me with disdain or the way his golden eyes, which darkened depending on his appetite, swirled in the fluorescent lights of the biology classroom. Whenever he spoke he had my full attention, whether it was to request I pass something to him during an experiment, or whether it be to answer a question. Basically, 90% of my time was focused on Edward, and the other 10% of the time I was trying to temper the extreme nausea I felt while still thinking of trying not to think of Edward. Confusing? I know.
I took my seat next to Edward, noticing that today he wasn't immersed in a book, or scribbling music notes on his notepad. Today, he was sitting attentively at our lab bench, staring forward while his body remained completely still.
I was confused. The Cullen's normally tried to appear as normal as possible, and sitting eerily still didn't exactly do much to keep up their 'normal' charade.
"Uhm, when you do that it's a bit strange…" I whispered in Edward's direction, my eyes wide in an attempt to show that I was being serious.
"I know. Something had me distracted. It caught my attention." He explained as he started to absently tap his foot against the ground.
"That's better," I said approvingly "What was it that distracted you?" He turned in my direction and stared at me with an intensity that sent shivers up my spine.
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
"Oh," Silence. What did I say to that? What did he mean? "What about me?"
"Why did you wait outside before you came in?" Damn. Of course he would notice that. I was seriously having trouble adjusting to their incredibly keen sense of hearing. It was uncanny the way they could hear things that were miles and miles away, and that they could isolate particular sounds to focus on.
"Freakish hearing. Perk of being a vampire?" I saw Edward cringe, his eyes tightening and his fists clenching.
"Yes. But you didn't answer my question." He whispered quietly as Mr. Banner walked into the room and called the class to order. I decided that now was the perfect time to test out just how acute their freakish hearing was.
"I was tired." I said in a voice so low I wasn't certain I had actually spoken.
Edward started scribbling frantically on a piece of paper, so I figured he hadn't heard me. But when he shoved the small piece of paper in front of me, I realized I was wrong.
I don't believe you. Your heart was racing, and you seemed uneasy. You were attempting to compose yourself.
My breathing hitched slightly as I realized he caught me in a lie. I began writing on the piece of paper, but decided against it. My chicken-scratch next to his elegant script was a bit intimidating. Whispering seemed to be the less humiliating option.
"I was nervous. Being around you isn't exactly the most calming thing these days."
Edward's lips tightened in response, and he gave me a genuinely apologetic smile.
I know, my apologies. Could we talk during lunch?
I nodded, and started counting down the minutes to lunch, because it really couldn't come soon enough.
***
"Edward, where are we going?" I asked, trailing behind him as he walked down the hallway.
"To your locker." He stated simply, turning to flash me a brilliant and charming smile. He stopped after a few metres and stood expectantly in front of my locker.
"Why are we in front of my locker?" I questioned, sincerely confused.
"You need your jacket. It's gotten cooler out since this morning. What you're wearing isn't appropriate for this temperature." He explained, leaning against the row of lockers next to mine.
I tried to make quick work of opening my locker, but it was proving to be difficult. I was quickly discovering that now that Edward was speaking to me, concentrating was even more difficult.
"Would you care for some help?"
"You don't know my combination." I said, as though it was the most obvious answer to his question.
"Actually, I do know it." I looked at him in shock.
"How the hell do you know my combination? I've never told you, and from what Alice told me, my mind is the only mind you can't read!" I made sure to keep my voice low, especially since students were filing out of their classrooms and toward the cafeteria now.
"Alice is right. I can't read your mind. But I can read hers." I rolled my eyes, defeated, and stepped away from my locker. In a matter of seconds, Edward had opened my locker, gotten my jacket, closed my locker and began walking down the hallway and toward the parking lot. I inwardly cursed myself for telling Alice my locker combination.
***
"Do you come here often?" I wondered, staring at my surroundings, in awe.
"Yes. I quite enjoy this spot. It's quiet and nobody bothers me here." We sat in silence for a while; neither of us brave enough to break the comfortable calm. But we needed to talk, and it wasn't something I was willing to put off.
"You've never really liked me, have you?" Edward glanced over at me, his once calm expression now tight and serious.
"What makes you believe that?"
"When Alice first introduced me to you, you looked pained being near me. And then you actually started saying hello when I sat with you all at lunch. And then you just stopped talking to me altogether again. You're kind of giving me whiplash, and I can't keep up with your moods." I exhaled sharply, closing my eyes, waiting for his response.
"I know. And that hasn't been fair to you. I don't mean to create such a distance between you and I, I just find it easier that way."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when I first met you, I was so overwhelmed and intoxicated by your scent – your scent reached me and captivated me like nothing else has. I didn't hate you; I only hated how powerfully you affected me."
"You wouldn't hurt me, Edward. I trust you." He ignored my comment and continued.
"And, of course, you know I don't agree with Alice telling you about us."
"Why not? You know I would never tell anyone. Ever."
"I'm not worried you'll betray us, Bella. I'm worried we'll betray you. Our kind is temperamental, and we're mostly driven by instinct. Our instinct is to hunt humans and drink their blood. And while my family has no desire to do that emotionally, we do physically. And although we can control those urges exceptionally well, there is no saying we won't slip up accidentally."
"You can't just take my choice away, Edward. It's my choice to associate with all of you. It's my choice to put myself in danger. And I've already made my decision. Besides, I don't find any of you to be dangerous, anyway." I felt relieved to know why Edward had been avoiding me, and why he had been responding to me so crassly.
I shivered as a cool breeze blew through the air, catching my hair and tossing it in different directions. I looked over to my side and noticed Edward inhaling deeply, his jaw clenched as he did so.
"Why would you do that to yourself? Especially if I smell so desirable to you?"
"Exposure. I'm in control right now, and I'm trying to expose myself enough to your scent that I won't be as bothered by it." He explained, moving from his sitting position to lie down.
"Is it working?" I questioned, lying beside him.
"So far. I'm near you right now, aren't I?" I nodded, enjoying the breeze. We sat together for a while longer, and time seemed to escape us both. I knew that we must have already missed our next class, but I didn't really care.
Time re-entered my mind when I felt a familiar headache began pulsing in my head. It was painful, and the bright, cloudy outdoors was beginning to intensify it.
"Bella? Are you alright?" Edward questioned, sitting up and leaning over me with a look of concern crossing his face.
"I'm fine. Just a headache, that's all."
"Shall I take you to see Carlisle?" No. No. No. And… NO! That would be the worst possible outcome. I should have known Edward would react like this to a headache, I heard so much from Alice about his tendency to overreact. If I went to see Carlisle, Carlisle would have a reason to look at my medical history and if he looked at my medical history, I would no longer be able to keep my secret.
"No. I'm fine. Just a miserable headache, nothing to worry about." I managed to muster up and half-hearted smile, but Edward didn't look convinced.
"You complain quite often about being tired and about headaches. And you look fairly pale, Bella." He explained as he examined my face. I sat up and swallowed hard.
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm generally this glorious shade of white," I motioned to myself before continuing "And I normally don't have a restful sleep. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. So, stop overreacting." Edward lay back down wordlessly. He was thinking about what I said, probably over-analyzing everything.
I had to be more careful. They couldn't know. Ever.
After a few more minutes of silence, I spoke.
"Why do you care?" He asked. I knew he was referring to why I cared about the way he treated me.
"Don't know. Why do you?"
"Don't know" Was all he offered in return. We both knew the answer; we were just both too stubborn to tell each other.
***
"How 'ya doing today, Bells?" Charlie asked as he began cutting into his steak. I sat down next to him, staring down at my plate of food with contempt. This was probably going to be what I would be puking up later. Delightful.
"I'm fine." I took a small bite of my salad as I answered him.
"Dinner is great, Bells, thanks for cooking," he said. "But you really don't have to. I know you're tired, and I really don't mind cooking for myself."
"Yes, I know. But I think I would mind if you accidentally burnt the house down trying to cook mac and cheese." I answered, smiling in a mockingly sweet way. Charlie laughed loudly, taking a sip of his water.
"Really, though. How are you feeling? And don't just say fine. I know those pills you're taking have some side effects. You've been pretty quiet about how you're feeling lately. My guess is that you're hiding something." I had almost forgotten that I inherited my keen sense of perception from my father. Of course he would notice if I was trying to hide something like this from him.
"It's been… hard. I'm having trouble keeping anything down… lots of headaches, too." I didn't look up at Charlie as I spoke, but I heard him set down his knife and fork, no doubt in preparation to say something.
"Bells, you should have told me you weren't feeling well. We should make an appointment for you to see your doctor here. It's been a long time since you've had an appointment. And last month when you saw the doctor in Seattle he said there was a doctor right here in Forks that you could see, instead of going so far away every time."
I didn't feel like arguing tonight. I was too tired, too exhausted from the day's events.
"Okay. I'll call tomorrow and make an appointment." I cleared the table and started toward my bedroom.
"Bella, if you need me, you know where to find me." I smiled at Charlie and nodded before heading toward my bedroom.
After my shower I pulled on my cosiest and warmest pair of pyjamas and crawled into bed.
And finally, for once, I had no trouble falling asleep because that night, I fell asleep thinking of Edward Cullen.
Tell me what you think, and leave some love.
Thanks to: My super-fantastic beta, KrisBlack. Thanks for catching my silly mistakes, and doing so with such wit and wonderful insight.