Just to say that we do not own the Twilight series Stephanie Meyer does and we are not copyrighting anything. This is just a thing we came up with x
Chapter 1: Vampire VS Veg
Bella's POV: (Bella's thoughts in brackets)
It was raining in Forks, as normal. It was supposed to be summer but the weather wasn't very summery. As a vampire, I found myself never cold but still wore a sweater and jeans just to fit in with the townsfolk. We were sitting in the Cullen's kitchen - we being the vampires some of the werewolf's, including Jacob and Seth and of course my father Charlie, who was apparently only here to see Renesmee, but really I could tell he was getting lonely at home. We were trying to get Nessie to eat 'human food'.
"Momma I don't want it it's icky!" Renesmee protested. I looked down at her she did have a point it was like eating sour dirt. Renesmee wasn't eating without a fight. "I'll eat this vile yuck if you all eat it too!"
We couldn't really say that we don't eat right in front of my father but really what else could we do? I glanced at Charlie he had a confused look on his face, meaning he thought I was doing something wrong.
"Oh you having problems over there Bell? You want me to come help?" A permanent smirk seemed to have been planted in his face and I could tell he was enjoying watching his daughter fail and him having to give some of his manly fathering advise.
"No thanks Dad! We're fine!" I deliberately yelled louder so he knew I was in control. I glanced at my new family and the decision seemed clear. We were going to have to do it. Jacob and Seth had no problem they always ate human garbage or as they called it 'food'.
"Every one gather round I have weird kinda speech thing I need to say! Oh just get here now before I squish someone's brain, ya' know I still have the motherly (newborn) strength left" I said. "We're going to have to do this! Grab a pepper!"
"Why a pepper? Oh and before I forget ARE YOU INSANE WOMAN THIS STUFF IS LIKE POO!" Emmett exclaimed.
Eventually after trashing Emmett's 'baby boy' Jeep around a thousand times he slowly emerged with a grim look upon his face.
"Emmett it was necessary!" I screamed. "Now get a pepper Emmett show Nessie how to be a good girl". Emmett glared at being called a female but finally sucked it up and grabbed a pepper.
"Nessie we have to be strong!" With a final glare at Bella, Emmett jammed the pepper in his mouth and chewed. Suddenly there was pepper spit everywhere as Emmett spat out his pepper, which landed right in the unexpected face of tiny Alice. Jasper leaped forward and lunged at Emmett's face but luckily Ness who was sitting beside him caught his shirt and plopped him back into the chair. "Uncle Jazz Noooo he have to do this nicely in turn" she sobbed.
"That's right Nessie, and it's Jaspers turn next!" Edward told her. Jasper started to protest and Edward stuffed a potato in his big fat gob. He chewed and spat mushed potato and tomato sauce, which looked suspicially like blood (hmm I wonder if Alice knows anything about some titchy little incident) right in Nessie's face.
"Ewwwww Jazz that's sooooooo gross you're so rank! I don't know what Alice see's in you! I bet... I bet ... I bet your not even romantical with her you gaybo".
"Nessie I mean RENESMEE CARLIE CULLEN DON'T EVER USE THAT VOCABULARY AGAIN WHO TAUGHT YOU THOSE NAUGHT I NAUGHTY WORDS!" Edward boomed. Renesmee burst into tears
" It... It... It...was Rosalie I heard her yelling at Aunty I mean Uncle Em... oh yeah and she kicked his bum with her stiletto's and threw your car at him, Dada!"
"Oh Renesmee sweetheart I'll have words with your uncle and auntie later for now we must carry on eating".
"Auntie Alice it's your turn eat the Kiwi with the spoon please"
"Whyohwhy!" Alice cursed
"Wimp!" Edward murmured
"No I'm not I'll eat it just you watch me..." Alice yelled as she attacked the small hairy Kiwi with the spoon. Juice went flying it was impossible to see where it landed but every one felt it land on them. Esme's beautiful tablecloth got splattered with Kiwi mush. Alice licked up the kiwi mush and spat it Edward. Screaming about "Vile Jelly!" Surprisingly Edward actually stayed calm for once he quickly snatched a classic linen handkerchief out of his pocket wiped his face and threw it in the bin with perfect aim.
"Well done daddy you're going to be famous when you're older" she laughed, which caused every one in the room to burst into loud laughs.
"SHHHH BE QUIET OH SHUT YOUR FAT FANGED GOOEY MOUTH!" yelled Renesmee, which made every one quiet.
"Language Ness" Jacob mocked.
"Rosalie next!" Renesmee demanded loudly. Causing laughter from certain Emmett's.
"SHUT UP EM!" Rosalie yelled. "No I'm Sorry Em laugh laugh laugh!"
"Just coz you don't want the vegetables Rosalie!" Jasper teased.
"But it smells like like DOG! Mixed with Emmett that century he didn't shower! Mixed with a Renesmee's dirty diaper's!" Rosalie moaned. She got dirty look's from Seth, Jake and Emmett.
"I don't wear Diapers! I'm a big girl! Alice brought me knickers!" Renesmee exclaimed, much to the delight of everyone else who busted out laughing!
"Rosalie eat vegebals!" Nessie demanded. This time no one laughed because they didn't want to avoid Rosalie eating vegetables (or vegebals as Renesmee said). Rosalie picked up a lemon and bit into it. Her face scrunched up with sourness (!) and Jakes jaw dropped thinking she was gonna swallow! Rosalie spat out the sour lemon and it landed right in Jacob's mouth!
"Have some food dog!" She muttered. Jake spit out the lemon and it landed in Seth's hair!
"NOT THE HAIR JAKE I FLAMING HATE YOU YA KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO DO MY HAIR?"
"Dude you sound like a girl!" Emmett said laughing.
"Excuse me are you saying something about me or should I say us Mr I spat pepper at Alice" she scolded flipping back her shining blonde curls over her shoulder.
"No I'm not but ya know!" With one look at Rosalie he knew she didn't know! "You spend way too much time on your hair in the bathroom! But I still love you in spite of that!" Emmett argued. Rosalie rolled her eye's and muttered "Screw you what do you know!"
"Shut up you guy's there's little children in the room (Renesmee and knowing Edward he meant Jake or Seth)! We have two more to go you know before Ness. My turn!"
"Oh great here it comes the lovely gorgeous brussel sprouts" (for a second there I thought he was going to say lovely gorgeous moi (Bella) but sure enough he said the brussel sprouts). I placed one green lump in front of him and then grinned reassuringly at him. He slowly pickled it up and quickly plopped it in his mouth. Then suddenly there was a long pause while he sucked at it he chewed and then quickly swallowed. I really thought he'd done it been strong enough to hold it in but after a few seconds a choking sound came from the back of his throat and the sprout came out mushed and whole along with a trifle of spit and sick. Which flew across the table and landed right in Rosalie's beautiful blonde hair.
(Haha serves her right for attacking Jake with the sour lemon I guess unlucky for Emmett his bathroom would be permanently taken and when sleeping Rosalie screaming as she picked out each leaf of brussel sprout.) Poor old Emmett even though he'd laughed at me for falling when human this was literally the death of him. The room was filled with laughter and Rosalie ran out of the room sobbing and mumbling about how she would leave this wretched hostile hole of a home.
"She'll be back," Edward said but Emmett ran upstairs to comfort her. He came down stairs again seconds later.
"She told me to fudge off or I'll be Roast Emmett if you know what I mean!" Emmett moaned.
"We all know what you mean! A five year old would know what you mean! But your methods of comfort are pretty lame! Asking her if she is ok was pretty stupid and the crass remarks afterward were just over the top!" Jasper said. The sound that enrolled next was the screeching of Renesmee...
"BE QUIET OR I'LL GET MY BEST FWEND JAKEY WAKEY ON YOU AND YOU'LL BE VERY SORRY ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO STOP TALKING BOUT AUNTIE ROSE AND GET ON WITH THE VEGBALS CUS IT MY MOMMA'S TURN" she said fairly loudly.
"Ness what's with the baby talk?"Jacob asked "and Ness sure I'll protect from any of those nasty people that hurt you but I'm not going to hurt your family because not only will I feel bad but so will you" he cooed. Renesmee smiled at him and answered with a simple "Love you Jake".
"Bella's turn" Edward said (Like I needed Reminding). I picked up a handful of lettuce leaves. Vowing to be the good parent I put the leaves in her mouth and chewed. I soon swallowed.
"What's all the fuss about?" I asked, "I think it tastes fine!"
" Really? Your bluffing Alice accused.
" I'm not! Am I Edward?" I argued,
"No she's telling the truth!" Edward said looking rather confused.
"Wow I need to get on the Vampire Internet. The first vampire **cough Cough freak cough cough** to like HUMAN FOOD!"Emmett announced.
"Nessie your turn!" Jacob said. He looked around. Renesmee had fled, ran away from the vegetables!
"COWARD NESS YOUR A BIG FAT COWARD"
"So after all that commotion and pain and well ROSALIE! For that matter that you've put us through your just going to walk away are ya Ness that's not a very nice way to treat your family is it?" Jasper called. There was a little shuffling going around upstairs, which I presumed was Renesmee or Rosalie for that matter and then a small figure emerged from the stairs and Renesmee came out.
"OK but only if Jake holds my hand?"
"Oh sure I will my lil girl come on which one pick it out" Jake said.
"Ok I pick I pick hmm the chocolate covered banana piece"
"No Ness it has to be something not chocolate covered please," I barked.
"Oh fine I pick I pick the that that that one the thingee um oh the green thing that looks like sea weed" Renesmee said
"oh the spinach!" Edward explained. Renesmee got a forkful of the spinach and stuffed it her mouth. She chewed. Swallowed and finally puked! The puke went every where but mostly over Jacob.
"Oh Renesmee that really wasn't friendly!" Jacob moaned "And I haven't got any spare clothes to day look's like I'm going naked then!" Jacob took of his t-shirt and was about to take of his pants when Alice ran upstairs startling every-one, except Edward of course. When she returned she was caring some shorts.
"Put these on I really don't want to see you naked!" Alice instructed. Rosalie walked down the stairs obviously distressed. She stomped over to Seth whisper something about coming upstairs with her for a moment. Seth followed her with a quick glance at the crowd he knew it couldn't be good.
Authors Notes:
Bella's thoughts in brackets
By the way this is not written by Stephanie Meyer it was written by Holly Y. and Clarissa G.
This started off as a funny (no offence) idea just a little story/wondering of Holly. But we then heard about fan fiction so we edited it and progressed it until it became this chapter. Hope you like it please review it and say Truthfully what you thought.
Thank you we are planning on writing more chapters if you guys like it so leave a comment and review