Notes: Batman was created by Bob Kane and Bill Finger and is owned by DC Comics. The Hanna-Barbera shows and characters are owned by Warner Bros. This story is dedicated to Paul Winchell (Dick Dastardly's voice actor) and all the people who worked on Wacky Races. This story is also dedicated to Bill Finger, Adam West, and all of the wonderful people who have helped the Batman franchise.
The usual drivers who raced in the Wacky Races came to the racing area, but there was a special guest racer: Batman. People thought that Batman was interested in winning the race, but he actually came to stop Dick Dastardly from cheating. Batman was riding in the Batmobile. He whispered "I'll have to drive quickly so I can stop Mr. Dastardly before he does anything bad."
Dick Dastardly looked around and saw Batman. Mr. Dastardly said "Drat. Batman's here. That sneaky superhero probably wants to compete against me in the race. Thankfully I have plenty of tricks set up. Even though Batman's a detective he won't be able to outsmart my intelligent tricks." Mr. Dastardly did a evil laugh.
The race started. Batman tried to race about as fast Mr. Dastardly so he could stop him from doing any tricks. Batman looked at Mr. Dastardly's driving and said "Even though this is a race he shouldn't drive so fast. It's really dangerous. The problem with criminals is that they care about their greedy goals than important safety."
Mr. Dastardly saw that there was a tree in the road. He said "This big thing will slow me down. However it'll also slow down the other racers. I'll quickly get my car over the tree, drive away, and leave the tree in the road so the other racers will be delayed." Mr. Dastardly threw his car over the tree. The car crash landed on the other side of the road. Mr. Dastardly hoped that the car wasn't damaged that much, but it was too broken to work. He said "Drat." He tried to think of a plan to be able to win the race. After a few quick seconds of thinking Mr. Dastardly came up with a plan.
Penelope Pitstop drove up to where Dick Dastardly was. She said "Nobody can win the race if the tree stays in the road."
Dick Dastardly replied "Get out of your car and help me push this off the road."
Ms. Pitstop said "Okay Mr. Dastardly." After Penelope got out of her car Dick Dastardly went inside of the car and used it to run the tree over. Dick Dastardly continued the race.
Batman saw that Penelope Pitstop wasn't in her racing car so he asked her "What's going on Ms. Pitstop?"
Penelope Pitstop said "Dick Dastardly stole my racing car."
Batman replied "I know how to help you. You can ride with me. I'll get you your car back after the race."
Penelope Pitstop said "Thank you Mr. Batman. You're awesome." Penelope got into the Batmobile's spare seat.
Batman continued the race, but most of the other racers were ahead of him. He said "I need to get to a better place in the race so I can stop Mr. Dastardly's next plan."
Dick Dastardly was really happy that the Batmobile was far away. He said "I'm closer to winning a race today than I've ever been. Since I sent Muttley to flying school I'll have to celebrate this victory by myself." Mr. Dastardly did evil laugh. He was ahead of the other racers so he parked the car to set up another trick. He put glue in the road while saying "This'll glue the other racers to the unemployment line." After setting up a bunch of glue he drove away.
Batman and the other racers' cars got stuck to the glue. Batman said "Mr. Dastardly drove so fast that I wasn't able to stop his trick before he set it up."
Penelope Pitstop asked "How will the cars get free from the glue Mr. Batman?"
Batman said "My Bat Glue Repellent will save us." Batman sprayed the repellent on the road. Batman and the other racers continued the race.
Dick Dastardly said "It seems like my last trick wasn't enough to stop Batman. Thankfully I know how to get all of the cars out of the race." Mr. Datardly called a tow truck company and said "Hi."
The tow truck manager said "Greetings sir. If you tell me the name of the car you want towed it'll be gone soon."
Mr. Datardly replied "I have about ten cars that I need you to tow."
The tow truck manager was excited about getting so much business. He asked "Where are the cars?"
Mr. Dastardly said "Have every car in the Wacky Races towed away except for the one driven by a charming guy in a purple costume." The tow trucker manager didn't understand why Mr. Dastardly wanted the cars towed, but he sent ten tow trucks to take the cars away.
Batman and Penelope Pitstop saw a tow truck taking Peter Perfect's race car away. Batman asked "Is there any reason why a tow truck company would take Peter Perfect's race car?"
Penelope Pitstop said "No. He has a perfect driving record."
Peter Perfect stubbornly said "I'm not getting out of my race car, until the race is over."
The tow truck worker replied "Please don't have me kick you out of the car."
Batman said "There's no need for that type of nonsense."
The tow truck worker was surprised to see Batman in the Wacky Races. He asked "What's going on Mr. Batman?"
Batman said "Dick Dastardly tried to have the other race cars towed away so he could win the Wacky Races."
The tow truck worker replied "Me and the other workers weren't aware we were being tricked. We won't tow the cars, but the manager will be upset that we won't get paid."
Batman said "Since you and the other workers came down here I'll pay for the bill that Mr. Dastardly should be forced to pay."
Penelope Pitstop replied "Batman's the sweetest gentlemen I've ever met."
Peter Perfect said "But he's not as perfect as me."
Penelope Pitstop replied "No offense Mr. Perfect, but you're too perfect. I prefer someone a little more flawed."
Peter Perfect said "I could change my name to Peter Flawed." Penelope rolled her eyes.
Dick Dastardly was getting close to the end of the race. He said "I'll set up the final trap to make sure that I easily win the race." Mr. Dastardly put broke a bunch of signs and threw them in the road. Mr. Dastardly did a evil laugh as he continued the race.
A few of the racers were about to have a car accident from the signs in the road so Batman used his Bat Sign Restorer to put the signs back to where they were supposed to be. Batman said "Thankfully I was able to stop that trick before any of the racers got hurt."
A few minutes later Dick Dastardly arrived at the finish line before any of the other racers did. Batman's car was the second one to get to the finish line. Dick Dastardly said "I won my first race."
Batman replied "I'm sorry to run over your pride Mr. Dastardly, but you're not going to win. You won the race by using a stolen car and setting up tricks to delay the other racers."
Dick Dastardly said "I think that you're overreacting a little. I'm the best racer here. I only needed a few innocent tricks to win."
Batman replied "Your tricks are immoral, not innocent." Batman showed pictures to the racing judges of Dick Dastardly stealing Penelope Pitstop's car and setting up tricks.
One of the racing judges said "Dick Dastardly can't have the award."
The other judge replied "He's banned from being in the races."
Dick Dastardly said "Drat."
Since Batman came in second place the judges handed the racing award to Batman. Batman said "It's very nice of you to give this to me, but I'm not the one who really deserves it. Penelope Pitstop's car was the car that got to the finish line first even though Dick Dastardly was driving it." Batman handed the award to Penelope Pitstop.
Penelope Pitstop said "Thank you Mr. Batman."
Batman replied "Races are fun despite Mr. Dastardly's sneaky antics.
Penelope Pitstop replied "You're the best Batman." She kissed Batman's hand.
Peter Perfect said "I came in third place in the race. I'm not perfect."
Batman replied "Winning races is good, but winning at being a good and responsible person is more important."
Peter Perfect said "Since I'm not perfect do you love me now Penelope Pitstop?"
Penelope Pitstop replied "I'm sorry Peter Perfect, but I have a crush on someone else. Wanna go to the movies Batman?"
Batman said "Of course." Batman and Penelope Pitstop left to go on a movie date.
Meanwhile a bunch of pigeons started bothering Dick Dastardly. Mr. Dastardly said "One of the things I hate are pigeons. Since I'm not allowed to race I'm going to capture pigeons. I'll stop every pigeon. Mr. Dastardly did an evil laugh.
Dick Dastardly had Top Cat come to his hideout. Dick Dastardly said, "Hi Top Cat."
Top Cat sighed and replied, "I missed a business meeting with Mr. Freeze for this. You better have a good business offer."
Dick Dastardly had an evil smile on his face while saying, "You don't have to worry about that Top Cat. I know how to make us rich."
Top Cat asked, "What's your scheme?"
Dick Dastardly said, "I'm planning on inheriting Penelope Pitstop's fortune."
Top Cat replied, "That'll be hard to accomplish since you're not related to her."
Dick Dastardly said, "I took care of that problem by working out a deal with my lawyer. By the time I get Penelope I'll have her last name. She has tons of money to inherit. We could become super rich."
Top Cat asked, "What role am I supposed to play in your plan?"
Dick Dastardly said, "I need you to kidnap Penelope. Since you five sidekicks I think it'll be easy."
Top Cat replied, "My gang is really good so I can have Penelope kidnapped."
Dick Dastardly asked, "Do you agree to my business deal?"
Top Cat asked, "How much money will I get?"
Dick Dastardly told Top Cat the amount of money that he would receive. It was such a big number that Top Cat agreed to the deal. Dick Dastardly and Top Cat shook hands and did an evil laugh.
An hour later Penelope Pitstop was going for a walk, but Top Cat and his gang showed up. Penelope said, "Greetings T.C. What's going on?"
Top Cat responded, "Your inheritance is worth lots of money so I'm afraid that you're in trouble."
Penelope nervously said, "Please go away Top Cat." Top Cat signaled to his sidekicks to beat up Penelope. She passed out.
A few hours later Top Cat and his sidekicks brought Penelope to Dick Dastardly's lair. Dick Dastardly smiled while saying, "It seems like you gentlemen did a great job."
Top Cat asked, "Where should we put her?"
Dick Dastardly said, "In the peril room. That place has so many traps that Penelope's going to get defeated. After that we'll get her inheritance." Top Cat and his sidekicks put Penelope in the peril room.
Dick Dastardly ran to his phone and called the General. Dick Dastardly said, "I have awesome news General. I'm going to be able to pay you back for all those airplanes broke. In fact I'm going to have so much money that you're going to promote me." He did an evil laugh.
Meanwhile Penelope woke up and looked around the peril room. She said, "This is one of the scariest rooms that I've ever been. Thankfully those goons weren't smart enough to take my cellphone away." Penelope called Batman.
Batman was in the Batcave with Nightwing. They were working on a new gadget to stop Mr. Freeze. Batman answered the phone and asked, "What's happening?"
Penelope said, "I got kidnapped by a gang of sneaky cats. I'm trapped in Dick Dastardly's peril room."
Batman replied, "It seems like I'll have to defeat Dick Dastardly again. I'll go there and save you."
Penelope said, "But you don't know where the hideout is."
Batman replied, "Thankfully I'm a really good detective." Batman hung up the phone and said, "I need to get going Nightwing."
Nightwing asked, "What about our problem with Mr. Freeze?"
Batman said, "I'm afraid that you'll have to take care of it, until I come back."
Nightwing replied, "It seems like you care a lot about Penelope."
Batman said, "Don't jump to conclusions."
Nightwing replied, "We're detectives so it's hard to not do that." Batman rolled his eyes.
Batman went into the Batmobile. He turned on his data machine to find out information about Dick Dastardly's hideout. After a few minutes of detective work Batman found out where the hideout was. He was worried about Penelope so he started driving over the speed limit.
Detective Bullock replied, "Pull over Batman."
Batman pulled the Batmobile over and asked, "What's wrong?"
Detective Bullock said, "You were going ten miles over the speed limit."
Batman replied, "An important person is going to lose their life if I don't show up in time."
Detective Bullock said, "Well if you keep going several miles over the speed limit other people could get hurt."
Batman sighed and said, "Fair point." Batman pressed his emergency Batplane button. A few minutes later he went into the Batplane and continued heading towards the hideout.
Detective Bullock replied, "If I had an airplane I'd fly after him and give him a ticket."
A few minutes later Batman arrived at Dick Dastardly's hideout. Batman burst into the hideout and said, "Stop putting Penelope in danger."
Dick Dastardly replied, "That won't happen Batman. I need her inheritance."
Batman said, "You're such a cruel person. People are always more important than money."
Dick Dastardly replied, "I'm going to become the richest racer and pilot of all time. Top Cat and his gang will get rid of you."
Batman ran up to Top Cat and his sidekicks. Batman punched Spook. Spook kicked Batman. Batman threw him at Benny and the Brain. Spook, Benny, and the Brain fell to the ground and passed out.
Top Cat said, "My sidekicks need to be tougher. Batman's a hard superhero to defeat."
Batman replied, "Justice always defeats evil." Batman punched Fancy Fancy to the ground. Choo-Choo grabbed Batman and gently kicked him. Batman gently punched Choo-Choo in the face.
Top Cat said, "You defeated all of my goons."
Batman replied, "You should give up."
Top Cat said, "I never plan on doing that. Authority figures keep trying to get be more responsible, but that would involve giving up my schams. Thanfully I'm not a quitter." Top Cat punched and kicked Batman.
Batman said, "You're one of the curliest cats that I've ever fought."
Top Cat proudly said, "I'm the most dangerous cat ever."
Batman replied, "Thankfully I'm stronger than any animal." Batman grabbed Top Cat and threw him at a wall. Top Cat got up and tried to attack Batman, but Batman threw a statue at him. Top Cat passed out.
Officer Dibble arrived and said, "Thank you for stopping Top Cat and the gang Batman. I'll take them to prison."
Batman responded, "Okay." Batman ran to the peril room and used various gadgets in his utility belt to protect Penelope from any of the traps.
Penelope replied, "Thank you Batman. You truly are my hero." Penelope kissed Batman on the cheek.
Dick Dastardly ran into the room and said, "I'm going to stop your heroic rescue Batman." Dick Dastardly threw a knockout bomb at Batman. Batman passed out. Dick Dastardly grabbed Penelope and said, "I'm going to take you to Mr. Freeze's hideout. He's going to freeze you." He did an evil laugh.
Dick Dastardly went into one of his airplanes and put Penelope Pitstop in the backseat. He said, "I'm going to be the king of success."
Batman woke up and ran out of the hideout. He said, "Thankfully I can save Penelope." He went into the Batplane and started following Dick Dastardly's airplane.
Dick Dastardly replied, "Stop being a superhero Batman. You've foiled the plans of thousands of criminals."
Batman said, "Criminals deserve to lose, until they become better people."
Penelope Pitstop said, "Dick Dastardly's one of the evilest people that I've ever met."
Dick Dastardly replied, "You two have caused me enough trouble. Thankfully I know how to get rid of Penelope faster. I think that drowning her will stop her." Dick Dastardly threw Penelope out of the airplane.
Batman grabbed Penelope and put her into the Batplane before she could fall into the ocean. Batman said, "Your scheme isn't going to work out."
Dick Dastardly replied, "I know how to get rid of you. I'll use my plane's engine to attack you." Dick Dastardly took the engine out of the airplane. Because of that the airplane stopped working. Dick Dastardly almost fell to the ground, but a police officer grabbed him before he got hurt. Dick Dastardly's airplane landed in the ocean.
Batman looked around. Nightwing had defeated Mr. Freeze. Nightwing handcuffed Dick Dastardly and Mr. Freeze. Batman gently parked the Batplane on the ground.
Penelope said, "Thank you for saving me Batman."
Batman replied, "It's always an honor to save citizens."
Nightwing said, "He missed a chance to melt Mr. Freeze's plans to save you."
Penelope said, "Batman's so sweet." Batman blushed.
Batman walked up to Dick Dastardly and said, "I defeated you for the second time."
Dick Dastardly responded, "Drat, drat, and double drat."