AU, Naruto finds a teacher at a young age after being saved from a mob of villagers, yadda yadda yadda
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, I can only afford to rent it or watch on TV (or online).
I do own Jomama (lol) for a given value of own.
"Naruto!" the relatively peaceful hum of the village hidden in the leaves was suddenly washed away, inundated by a series of noises. First was the shout of outrage, followed by the shouts and general outcry of a great company of Ninja in hot pursuit. Floating above it all, like the foam on the crest of this sonic tsunami, was the raucous laughter of their quarry, a young blond boy dressed in riotous orange track-suit.
The expression on the boy's face made it seem for all the world like he was playing some schoolyard game, a strange version of tag perhaps. It was the faces of his pursuers that gave the lie to this, as some of the deadliest people in the world bore grim looks of anger, annoyance, and in some cases murderous hatred. But for all their highly trained skill, the assembled Chunin, Jonin, and even ANBU, seemed powerless to capture the boy as he bounced from wall to wall like a demented pinball, laughing all the way.
As the horde of vengeful shinobi stampeded on the roofs across from a Dango shop, a certain dark haired kunoichi in an outfit that just screamed 'flasher' was trying her hardest not to pee laughing at the ineffectuality of her fellow leaf nin. "That kid always cracks me up, I swear." She managed to gasp out.
Beside her, a masked shinobi with prematurely white hair and one visible eye was had raised his nose from its near permanent place in an orange book and was regarding the show with features schooled to impassivity. "Do you think we should go help out?" Kakashi Hatake inquired in a bored tone.
"Nah, let 'em sweat, they can obviously use the exercise. I swear that kid is the only thing keeping the ninja of this village from going soft. The kid's got more energy than Gai."
"Say, Anko, what are you doing later?" Kakashi asked hopefully.
"Don't even think about it, cyclops." The woman replied with a dangerous grin.
After leading the ninja a merry chase for the better part of an hour, he somehow, miraculously, managed to shake the pursuit for a few minutes, and stood, hands on knees panting in an alleyway beside a metal dumpster. Unfortunately, his reprieve was short lived, as a mob stepped into the alley from both ends. The mob was now largely comprised of civilians wielding diverse makeshift weaponry. This was in fact worse than the shinobi, because while ninja wouldn't really harm him before dragging him back to the Hokage, the villagers had no compunctions about hurting him.
The two sides froze momentarily, then the boy slowly began to back up while the crowds both began to edge toward him. Suddenly the boy's shoulders hit wall, and the crowd surged forward. The impenetrable walls of humanity came closer and closer, and the boy crouched down, curling himself into a ball to ward off as much of the attack as he could. Squeezing his eyes tight he prepared for the coming pain. And then strong hands seized him.
The crowd was so dense that no one could really see what was going on, but the scream that emanated from its epicenter had none of the timber of a child. Rather, it sounded very much like a grown man. Slowly it penetrated the mob's rage soaked brains that something was amiss, and the crowd pulled back, revealing one of their members bruised and battered where the boy should have been. Milling about in confusion they finally noticed a strange man standing at the mouth of the alley, silhouetted in the reflected light of the street beyond, so his true features where hidden.
"What foulness is this, that grown men would seek to viciously beat a young child, barely more than a babe. It is inexcusable, and cannot stand. By truth's flaky shell of goodness, and justice's sweet frothy filling, in the name of pie, I will punish you!" As he said this, the mysterious stranger spun in place, ending in profile with one hand pointing over the crook of his elbow. "Rain of Pies!" the voice cried out, and suddenly there was. Seemingly out of nowhere thousands of banana cream pies began to pelt the mob from above. Though absurd, the attack proved devastating as the force of the pies knocked the members of the mob off their feet, and the slippery pie filling kept them from regaining their feet. Soon, it was all over, and the mob was reduced to a groaning mess, coated in whipped cream.
A certain young blond peaked out from behind the leg of the mysterious stranger, his eyes as wide as saucers at the sight before him. Then, turning to his benefactor with a grin, he nearly shouted, "That was awesome! Thanks for saving me mister! How did you do that? You are the coolest ever! Who are you, anyway?" over the space of maybe two seconds.
"My name is known throughout the land. Nobles beg for my services. I am The Prankster King of the five elemental nations, the one and only clown sage, Jomama." As he spoke the stranger struck a series of dramatic poses joined by somersaults and backflips. He ended on one knee, with his hands spread to either side and his fingers wiggling. Naruto couldn't suppress a giggle at the man's antics. The man's attire, now that he could see it, also brought forth a chuckle or too.
The man was dressed in what might have once been an elegant suit of clothes. The pants were too large, however, and were held up by a strange set of straps that went up over his shoulders, on top of a shirt seemingly made of spare bits of other shirts patched together. Over this he wore a jacket that was obviously a few sizes too small, as it bunched at the shoulder and only made it to his mid forearm. At his knees and elbows, the elegant, though slightly worn, dark cloth was broken by patches of white printed with improbable designs like hearts and fishes. His shoes where closed toe affairs, and where almost two feet long each. His face was painted white, with thick black eyebrows and a mustache also painted on, and a bright red false nose. Toping it all off was a overly tall black hat, the very top of which had come undone and now stuck off at an odd angle.
Sweeping said hat off of his head, the clown sage bowed in the boy's direction. "And what might your name be?"
The boy scratched his head in embarrassment at the show of civility towards him. "Eh, my name is Uzumaki Naruto, Jomama-sama." The young blond replied.
"Please, I can't keep a strait face when people call me that, Uzumaki-san. Call me Jo." The clown smiled.
"Well then I'm just Naruto."
With that the two shook hands.
"Well, Naruto. Lets get you to the Hokage before any more mobs force me to serve up some more slices of justice." Jo extended his hand to the boy.
Naruto groaned, both at the joke and the prospect of facing the old man. But he reached up nonetheless and took the offered hand. With a poof and a swirl of confetti, the two disappeared.
Moments later the two appeared outside of the Hokage tower. Jo led the boy inside and up to the office of the Hokage himself. The chunin stationed outside quickly let them in.
An old man in white robes and a pyramidal hat with the kanji for fire on the front stood up to greet them. "Naruto, thank goodness you are all right. I wish you wouldn't pull these pranks as it is getting harder to protect you from the backlash. Jo-san, thank you for looking after Naruto."
"You mean your not angry?" Naruto said in a subdued voice.
The Hokage gave a kind chuckle. "No, Naruto, I am not angry, just a little worried for you, that's all."
"Why would he be angry, and what possible reason could a mob of grown men have for attempting to beat a small boy." Jo asked with a hint of anger in his voice.
Naruto looked up in shagrin. "I kinda pulled a prank on the village council…"
After Naruto had completed his narrative, Jo tried to clarify the situation. "Let me get this straight. You managed to sneak into the council chambers, which I can only assume was guarded, and covered every available flat surface with paper cups full of water." Naruto nodded, and Jo chuckled a bit before continuing. "Then you managed to avoid several high level ninja for nearly an hour, finally giving them the slip." Again a nod and again a chuckle. "And for some reason a mob of civilians considered it perfectly reasonable to beat up, injure and possibly kill you in retaliation." At this point Jo's voice lost all it's humor and gained a frosty edge. "Nope, sorry, I'm still not getting it." He turned his attention to the Hokage.
Sarutobi, the Hokage of the hidden leaf village, let out a sigh. "For some reason, many of the people of the village do not like Naruto. This latest prank, against the council no less, pushed some tempers over the edge. By tomorrow, however, things should have blown over. I'll keep him safe with me till then." Sarutobi favored the boy in question with a smile.
"I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. With respect, I'm sure you try your best Hokage-sama, but you cannot guarantee that something like this will not happen again, and that frankly is not acceptable to me." Jo said with all the politeness he could muster.
"What do you suggest?" The Hokage asked, with mild curiosity.
"I would like to take the boy on as my apprentice. By the time he returned he would be more than capable of defending himself against mobs, and others besides." Jo boldly stated.
"Hm, your reputation is well known, so I do not doubt your claim. In addition, some time away from the village might be good to cool down the villagers as well. Finally, I think that Naruto has been getting a bit bored of late. Very well, I'll allow it, but the final decision is Naruto's." Sarutobi turned towards the blond, as did Jo.
"What do you say, Naruto. How would you like to become a clown?"
A/N: So, that's it for the first chapter. I have plans for this one, but it needs some bridging. Hopefully I'll update soon. I also hope the future chapters will be more funny than I managed to make this one.
BTW, I've got a challenge on my profile (A.K.A. a story I am too lazy and/or blocked to actually write). Check it out, if yah wanna, or check out my other stories while you wait.