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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!
RATTLESNAKE JAKE…
…VS…
…JAKE ROBERTS!
BEGIN!
Rattlesnake Jake:
You don't wanna tread upon the Davy Jones of the Mojave, man;
I speak the truth foretelling your death, unlike owl mariachi bands.
A venom-spitting, Fear-and-Loathing-spreading Western baddie,
Making this deal grislier than any business with your daddy!
Even Diamond Dallas Page can't save your soul once I attack;
No resurrection from your grave dug by this demon diamondback.
The Undertaker's squat next to this Boot Hill-filling death machine;
A Stone-Cold killer, whipping your ass worse than Austin 3:16!
I'm a living legend; you're a wasted druggie with a mullet!
Slaying you half-a-dozen-plus-one times won't take a single bullet.
When I'm done, no one will buy it that you ever did exist!
I'll let the sheriff here warn you once, though; "brother", tell it like it is:
Rango: Listen, Junior: this here ain't your story;
Best walk on out before it gets gory!
Jake Roberts:
The champion of snakes named Jake is ready to defend;
Unlike my feud with Warrior, I'll see this duel through to its end!
Next to how hard I'll DDT this pest, Rick Steamboat had it gently!
You got played by a crippled tortoise, and it wasn't even Bentley.
Ask the Macho Man: my minions pack a mother of a bite!
Even reduced to burgers, Damien could beat you in a fight.
As I stare down this devil's Angel Eyes, no fear in me is wrought;
I'll swoop down like a hawk, and tie your scaly hide into a knot!
Come Pick Your Poison: any angle you look at this from, you're screwed;
I'll lock you up in my garage, and have you crying out for food.
Trust in me here: just like your uncle Kaa, my rhymes leave foes entranced!
I'm holding all the cards; don't play with me: you haven't got a chance.
The biggest snake of all, there's not a question;
Crash you like a wedding reception!
Rattlesnake Jake:
Vegas isn't far; you wanna bet upon your boasts?
Like Lucas Brothers Moving Company, I'll turn you into a ghost!
Blindside you worse than Rick Martel, and leave you seeing only stars;
Constrict you with my words, and hit you hard like Honky Tonk's guitar!
You won't be born a third time once I'm finished; guts are gonna spurt!
This serpent's style's straight-up saturated; yours is dry as Dirt.
If you don't sign away your title and skip town forevermore,
I'll spill the Beans that are your eyeballs out your skull onto the floor.
Jake Roberts:
Trying to out-psyche me with your petty threats? You've got some brain disorder;
I'd school you, if Alice Cooper wasn't rocking in my corner!
It's no secret that the path I've led through life's been far from graceful,
But the cheapness of your shots at me makes Blaustein's spins look tasteful!
Rattlesnake Jake:
You've gone bats as Balthazar if I've been hearing you correct;
You're hardly worthy of a hat-tip from me, much less my respect!
This town ain't big enough for two Jakes; if you'd dream of winning this fight,
You're in for such a harsh awakening, Rick Rude would look polite.
Jake Roberts:
We aren't in Texas, but this Tuesday, you should tune in all the same,
To watch me bitch-smack this wack outlaw back to Hell's pit whence he came.
I've grappled with the best for decades, striking fear in giants' hearts;
Not even Ben Franklin can join you back once I've torn you apart!
No preachiness intended here, but it's as plain as Revelations:
Slither to this Hall-of-Famer, and you face annihilation!
You weren't booked to throw the match, but still my winning was a lock!
Go learn some kung fu from your girlfriend Viper; then, perhaps we'll talk.
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
I DECIDE!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!