A baby.

A green haired baby.

A green haired, buck naked baby.

A green haired, buck naked baby that just came out of an old man who split his goddamn body in half.

What the hell?

Right i have forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Shiranui Yuu and i know it sounds like a guy's name but no, i am positively female (Though I doubt you can see that). I am currently with a close friend of mine Oga Tatsumi, at a riverbank after watching him beat up some thugs that tried to ambush (more like kill) him when he's sleeping.

Pah, stuuupid wannabie thugs. As if you can get rid of him easily.

Going back to where i left off, Tatsumi is currently making scary faces at the baby (and threatening him mind you), which should have scared any other baby off.

But that little brat just smiled. He smiled. Even his eyes are sparkly!

"Oi Tatsumi," said person turned to look at me, with the green haired entity hanging off his chest "looks like that brat likes you," i teased him which earned me a glare. After making many different scary faces (which i can compare to satan himself), he ended up with the baby stuck to him like glue.

"He won't get off," Tatsumi grumbled. I laughed and he smacked my head.

We ended up at Furuichi's house, and Tatsumi started explaining the situation to him like an idiot he is and me sitting at his bed (let's hope Furuichi does not notice that) trying hard not to laugh at Furuichi's expression. God help him.

"Wait wait wait wait," Furuichi halted him.

"Huh?" Tatsumi paused

"Don't 'huh' me, who's kind hearted and popular? The first thing you said 'Everybody kneel before me' you're a tyrant aren't you?!" Furuichi complained and he turned to me "Yuu! Don't just sit there quietly! Tell me what happened!" he complained

"I think i'm going to sit this one out." i said as i munched on a cheesecake. This guy knows where to buy cake. It's good! "Besides, your expression is entertaining Eroichi," i said, grinning.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT YUU!" Jeez this ero guy got some voicebox.

"Idiot" Tatsumi pointed at Furuichi "You're an idiot Eroichi–,"

"You too Oga?" Furuichi sweatdropped.

"–Yo mama so fat!" Tatsumi continued

"Don't yo mama me,"

"Are you sure? Really think about it–" Tatsumi said as he munched on the last of the cake "–Do you think I'm the kind of guy, who without a reason would force people to bow before me?"

"Yeah"

"Totally"

Furuichi and I said simultaneously. Tatsumi got up from his seat and grabbed both of us and put us in a headlock.

Well tried to put me in the deathlock (i call it that cause it really hurts, no shit) i escaped and in the end Furuichi got all the pain of the deathlock while I sighed in relief. Whew, safe.

"OH REALLY? WANNA HEAR THE REST THEN?!"

"OW OW OW OW I GIVE I GIVE!"

I laughed as Tatsumi released Furuichi from his deathlock and the latter rubbed his neck "Why didn't Yuu get the headlock," he pointed at me "No fair!"

"That's because i escaped from his grip before he got the chance to do it, unlike you, Stupid Eroichi" I said while sipping some tea. "You can continue Tatsumi"

While Tatsumi tells Eroichi what happened in his point of view which is plain ridiculous, let me tell you my version (not like his of course, no narcassism, I swear)

I watched as the stupid guy apologised to Tatsumi, saying that he couldn't help himself seeing 'Ishi-High's legendary no-loss Oga-kun was sleeping defenselessly and his woman unprotected'

That earned him a kick at his head from me. His gang just winced.

I am NOT Tatsumi's woman dammit!

"A-anyway, we thought this is a chance, right..."

"No, not a chance" Tatsumi pointed to the place he was sleeping at, his bag was impaled with a huge metal, the ones you see at a construction site "If that hadn't been me, I could've died" He continued with a smile at his face.

"No, really," the stupid guy laughed nervously "Though it would have been great if you had died..."

I had to hold back my laughter when I saw Tatsumi's face froze in a smile. That stupid guy is totally gonna get it.

That guy ended up with his face underwater and Tatsumi holding his feet, and as if he was doing laundry, he dipped the guy in and out, saying "I wonder if it'll come out, this damn spot" I burst out laughing. When I saw his gang's faces, I laughed harder. Their faces totally read:

Devil.

Cruel.

It doesn't help that Tatsumi is smiling like a demon he is while doing it. Then they turned their heads to me as I was laughing like a madman.

What I didn't hear was that they said "No wonder she is Oga's woman," "She is just as devilish as him"

Then Tatsumi suddenly stopped. I went next to him and looked at the place that his eyes were looking at. Then I saw it.

A large old man came floating down the river. With an arrow at his heart.

####

"ALRIGHT, STOOOOOOOP!"

Eroichi shouted, stopping Tatsumi from continuing his story. "Um...What? This story...Where do you want to take it?" he said disbelievingly "Rather, the hell?! 'A large old man'?

"He came floating down the stream, there's no helping it" Tatsumi said nonchalantly while sipping his tea.

"THAT DOESN'T FLOAT DOWN THE STREAM!"

"Jeez Eroichi don't get your boxers in a twist, i saw it with my own two eyes too you know," I chirped, hanging upside down from his bed.

"Hold on, I'm groping for the limit of reality" poor Eroichi, having friends like us.

"Or are you just imagining groping some girl's boobs" i said deadpanned.

"I'M NOT!" Furuichi looks really toast right now. He doesn't take stories like this easily huh... "Alright let's go!"

I bet you he's thinking that something logic happened to the old man.

And I bet you he's not gonna accept that the old man literally split in two.

When Tatsumi got to the part where the old man split in two..

"NO SPLITTIIIINNGGGG!"

Tatsumi and I just stared at him. Furuichi took a deep breath and–

"NO SPLITTING!" Eroichi is totally not buying the splitting part. See? Told you.

"Then the Young man said, 'My, what a cute baby," Tatsumi continued, ignoring Furuichi's protests.

"Just stop it! Impossible, impossible!" He cried "Nobody would l isten to this story!" he stood up and went to his closet, took out a button up shirt and went in front of the mirror to ready himself "Jeez, its my fault for listening to you seriously since you both came in for a consult."

"Come on, there's still more!" Tatsumi waved at Furuichi, wanting him to listen to the rest of the story.

"Like I care! I have a date coming up now! Drink your tea and quickly get out!" Furuichi said, clearly irritated at Tatsumi. "And that includes you too Yuu," he said while messing with his hair "Being his partner in crime again in tricking me. Here I thought both of you finally come here to consult on your love life," he sighed.

"What love life?" Tatsumi and I said together. "Don't say that, from here is the important part" Tatsumi continued.

"I don't have to play along with your bullshit gossip! If you have to continue, then try bringing the baby here then talking, idiot!"

"It's fine if I bring it in?" Tatsumi asked

"If you can!" Furuichi retorted. I just watched them bickering (mostly Furuichi though) while calmly sipping tea. Tatsumi went to the door of Furuichi's room, picked something up and put it down on the floor.

There, in all his glory, was the green haired naked baby.

"Adda"

"We should've bought him in earlier Tatsumi," I said lying on my tummy on Furuichi's bed. My eyes are beginning to droop. I hope he doesn't sniff the sheets at night...

"Yeah it could've helped if you said so earlier" he said to Furuichi, who, is currently standing frozen from shock. "See, there really is a baby," he continued not noticing his male friend's frozen state.

"Daa" the green haired entity seem to agree. He knows we're talking about him. Clever baby. I didn't hear whatever those two idiots were talking about because I slept comfortably on Furuichi's bed. Now I really hope he doesn't jerk off to these sheets tonight...

####

I woke up to a girl's scream and a baby's (sounds like a 'Daaaaa'). I dismissed them, thinking that Furuichi switched on the tv. When finally got up, I saw a woman dressed in gothic clothes and big chest (how the hell did she get them that big?!) sitting in front of Tatsumi and Furuichi traditionally. Those idiots faces were blank.

"What's going on guys?" I said, stretching my body. That was a good nap. All three of them turned to me.

"Oh? Another one?" The gothic chick said.

"Yuu.." Furuichi said, his eyes watering " SAVE ME FROM THIS MADNESS!" he leaped at me. My face was blank as I dodged away from him. "Stupid Eroichi, you know that never works on me" Then I looked at the remaining two. "Care to fill me in?"

####

"So that kid is the future demon king"

"Yes" said gothic chick.

"And you're the wet nurse, Hildagerade"

"Yes"

"What's his name again?"

"Kaiser De Emperana Beelzebub The 4th"

"That's a long ass name you got there bud" i said, turning to the future demon king, "How am i going to remember that?"

"EHHHHHHHH?! YUU?! YOU TOOK THAT TOO EASILY!" Eh Eroichi woke up.

I ignored him.

"Um, Hilda-san, was it?" Eroichi said, holding out a hand to stop the gothic wo–i mean Hilda. "Im being honest, we'll ignore the rest, even if we bring the kid home we'll just end the topic here.. yeah?"

"No, that's impossible"

"Hah? Why?" I asked, still bummed at the fact that we have a future demon king in the same room as me.

"If you'd like to know why–" she pointed a finger at Tatsumi "–then you have been chosen"

By this time I was confused. Tatsumi was still holding the baby, Kai–uh–Kat–whatever–his–name–is, his face as confused as mine.

"As the Demon King's parent."

####

ssup guys, dragonette here.
this is my first fic, feel free to point out any mistakes.

im out.