Carried on the Wind
Summary: A selection of Cullen Stanton Rutherford's prayers to Andraste and the Maker regarding Dorian Pavus: a Tevinter and a mage.
Notes: A few spoilers in this (mostly vague but still there). Also the religious prayer content (in italics) comes from Bioware's various Dragon Age games so I can't take credit - and I duly thank Bioware for lending me their words.
This was an experiment for me - trying out a new way to tell a story. Do let me know what you think :)
Thanks so much for reading x
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
This… Dorian Pavus burst into the war room like he owned the place. Of all the arrogant… The man was swagger and confidence itself, in an outfit exposing his shoulder and even part of his chest, ridiculously impractical considering the climate.
I tried to reason with Trevelyan, get her to go after the Templars, but she's headed to Redcliffe anyway, with him.
There are two glaring reasons not to trust the man: Tevinter and mage.
Please, I beg you, go with your Herald, Andraste, and protect her from evil.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Maker, my enemies are abundant.
Many are those who rise up against me.
But my faith sustains me; I shall not fear the legion,
Should they set themselves against me.
The Chant tells us magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him, but of course a Tevinter would want mages running wild and unchecked.
The Herald and the mage seem to have bonded beyond reason and now he's a member of the Inquisition. My complaints have fallen on deaf ears and Trevelyan will brook no further argument. Apparently, if she trusts him, we all should trust him.
Please let this trust not be in vain.
In the name of Andraste and the Maker.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I thought it prudent to stay out of Dorian's way, but there's no escaping all his noise. I can hear his near-constant laughter and banter all over Haven. Josephine joked, accurately, that Dorian could cause a scene standing quietly in the centre of an empty room. The very skies above us have been rent by an unknown power and yet he doesn't seem to take that, or anything, seriously.
It led me to the conclusion that perhaps he knew something we didn't so as he stumbled out the tavern this evening, I grabbed him by that stubbornly half-naked arm and dragged him into an alleyway to confront him.
I told him what I knew from the reports – that the future they destroyed wasn't the outcome the Elder One wanted, that Alexius had failed. I told him my suspicions that he's infiltrated the Inquisition to get it right this time.
Dorian laughed and praised my imagination, before denying it all. Despite his sarcastic tone, he looked a little disappointed. It took the heat out my ire and made me relinquish my grip. It was disconcerting, but I rallied and warned him I'd be keeping a close eye on him.
As commander and protector, I knew it was right to question the man, but somehow it doesn't quite feel right. Am I wrong to question him? Is this a test?
Blessed are they who stand before
The corrupt and the wicked and do not falter.
Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.
So be it, in your name. In the name of Andraste and the Maker.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I've tried to give the mage a wide berth, but somehow we keep crossing paths. Is this your will? It has become apparent Dorian is actually rather earnest in his attempts to win over the Inquisition. However, it's also painfully clear the residents of Haven aren't making it easy for him.
I witnessed the blacksmith spitting on the floor at Dorian's feet, refusing to craft armour for 'Tevinter scum'. The mage raised an eyebrow and was doubtless about to give one of his sharp retorts, but I felt compelled to wade in.
I reminded Harritt that Dorian is a valued member of the Inquisition and should be treated as such.
He was surprised I jumped to his defence and called the mage a magister. I found myself correcting him angrily. I'm not sure why I became so riled.
Dorian got his retort in after all, saying, 'Don't waste your breath, Commander, I no longer want that man's filthy fingers touching anything I'll wear next to my infinitely superior skin.'
I watched as he waltzed off, strangely proud.
I believe he is a good man. Forgive me if I am wrong.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
As you know, I've actively sought Dorian out. Maker, his laughter seems to carry on the wind. We've exchanged pleasantries and I've enquired about his adventures with the Herald. I often wonder what it's like to fight by his side.
Today he appeared in the training field, shoulder finally covered by something more sensible. He said he'd heard I play chess and asked if we could have a game sometime.
The mage has clearly forgiven me and is offering peace and the beginnings of friendship. Is it wrong to accept? To want this as much as I do? I stuttered like a fool and wished for a moment I'd continued disliking the man just so I could articulate myself better. If you could help with that, I'd be grateful… No, of course not, forgive me.
My hearth is yours, my bread is yours, my life is yours.
For all who walk in the sight of the Maker are one.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
The deep dark before dawn's first light seems eternal,
But know that the sun always rises.
I pray for all those who've fallen in Haven. My heart bleeds for them and their loved ones. Please receive them into your light.
Thank you for helping Dorian survive Haven's destruction.
Please forgive me for feeling the relief more keenly even than I did with the Inquisitor's return.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I've learned more about Dorian and divulged far more about myself than I intended, wittering on about my family and telling him embarrassing tales. I'm not sure why I do it but I make him laugh and that feels important.
I enjoy his hows and whys. He's an elegant, passionate man. It's shocking when he swears, and he does so filthily. Forgive me, but I do enjoy it.
Occasionally, I see a flicker of sadness in his eyes, like a dark cloud marring an otherwise brilliant sky. Once Dorian alluded bitterly to his father. It was a throwaway comment, but the look in his eyes was enough for me to recognise a deep pain. I felt the urge to comfort him, but from what I don't know.
Of course, you know. Please… comfort him for me. If he needs it.
Forgive my continual wittering. Talking like this with you helps me to reflect. I'm grateful to be able to play chess when so many perished in Haven…
In the name of Andraste and the Maker.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Every time Dorian walks through the front gates, he is exhausted, bloody, battered and covered in demon guts, but his eyes always sparkle. Today… they didn't and it's making my heart heavy.
He hasn't come down to dinner. Normally, I understand a man's need for privacy and space, wouldn't dream of interfering…. But I need to know he's alright.
In the name of Andraste and the Maker.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this day…
As soon as I got a proper look at Dorian's face, I pulled him into my arms. I didn't know why or what compelled me to do so, but there I was, distinctly not letting go. Then… Dorian leaned into me, releasing deep, wracking sobs against my shoulder. I was relieved… not for his sorrow of course, but that I was there for him.
I suspect it was your will I go to him.
I only wish I could have removed my armour before storming over. I'm dubious about the comfort provided by cold and unyielding metal. But I didn't let go until Dorian wanted me to. And it seemed he didn't for a long time.
Thank you for guiding me to comfort him.
Though all before me is shadow,
Yet shall the Maker be my guide.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this day…
Dorian came to my office when I was in the midst of a gnawing headache. Apparently, he knew all about the lyrium withdrawal. I felt a little guilty keeping it from him. Dorian knowing feels right.
When he kissed the back of my neck, I was shocked. I've long imagined the mage's lips on my skin, but never thought it a possibility. I even wondered if my addled brain was conjuring up a hallucination so I pulled the man sideways onto my lap, desperate to check it wasn't a desire demon behind me. But it truly was Dorian sitting across my knees, heavy and warm.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I kissed him. He tasted divine, forgive me… lovely. To my utter thrill, he returned the embrace with equal fervour… just when an excruciating pain burst through my temple.
I'm ashamed to say I snapped at Dorian. The throbbing in my head seemed to vibrate my very skull and I had to lie down. He left and I was angry with myself, until, blessed relief, he returned with a tonic to take the edge off the pain. Apparently he'd been working on it for some time. I praise him… and you for that.
I could feel myself drifting off to sleep as his fingers stroked the hair from my forehead. He was… very tender.
Thank you for the kiss, and thank you for the merciful potion.
So be it, in your name. In the name of Andraste and the Maker.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Somehow, we've kissed many more times and my baser instincts are urging me to ravish the man, or be ravished, they really didn't care who does what. Since I'm made in your name, I assume these feelings are all well and good.
Thankfully, Dorian is of the same mind. But from what I've heard of his past experiences, they've been little more than frantic, snatched moments followed immediately by regret. Andraste, I don't want that for us. He deserves the same tenderness he shows me. I want this to be special.
So, I've fixed my roof, cleared my schedule and informed Dorian of my intentions. He laughed and asked if I was trying to woo him. When I said yes, I suppose I am, he was actually speechless. Thank you for that moment.
I probably sounded more confident that I am. He makes me want to be a better man, and I want to be that, Maker, I want to be that.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Thank you… for the strength to resist ravishing him there and then… for letting no one interrupt the tender kisses I placed all over his body… for not allowing anyone to knock when I made him moan and writhe against the bedsheets. Forgive me, but I suspect that even if a dragon did swoop down the moment Dorian's skilled fingers found certain spots… I wouldn't have cared. I would have merely waved as it flew by, if I noticed it at all.
I promise you I went into this without a preference, but when Dorian asked me to… take him… well, he used more coarse language... something primal surged in my stomach. I realised I wanted very much to take him, to wring out new sounds and sensations from the man and claim him.
But true to my word, I took the time to prepare him and look after him. When the time care when neither of us could hold back any longer, I lay him on his back. His eyes were closed so I asked him to look at me. Andraste, he has such beautiful grey eyes… and when we… joined, his eyelids fluttered, but his gaze didn't waver.
Dorian looked so beautiful beneath me, in my arms. I clasped his hand as I rocked into him and made him mine. It was truly… breath-taking.
Later, he told me it was nothing like his past experiences.
Thank you.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Dorian has a tendency towards drama and I've a shorter temper than I care to admit. So when he was convinced I'd abandon him and take a wife when the fighting is over, I had little patience. Forgive me for not soothing him properly, I was abrupt. I was offended he would think that.
I ask for more patience.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
It was my turn to get short shrift from Dorian. I'm ashamed to say I was jealous upon hearing Iron Bull's crude banter. We've kept our relationship private, but I admit I'm irked that a Ben-Hassrath doesn't know enough to leave well alone.
Forgive me for my anger.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Thank you for our happiness, even considering the horrors around us. We're foolish, sentimental beings. I laugh more now and have to remember to frown when I walk past sisters of the chantry or address some of my more green recruits. I don't wish to be rude, but I need to appear stern and authoritative.
I'm glad to merely pretend, however. Thank you.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Let him take notice and shine upon thee, for thou has done His work on this day
And the stars stood still, the winds did quiet, and all animals of earth and air held their breath
And all was silent in prayer and thanks.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you a thousand times for delivering Dorian to me.
The hours I spent uncertain if I'd find his broken body in the rubble or if he was lost forever in the Fade, were… agony. But you gave me the strength to continue to command my men. I grant you our victory.
Bless the brave and righteous Warden Stroud and receive him into your light.
And thank you for bringing my mage to my tent tonight. I find myself caring little for the tears I shed. My pride has gone. I am… he professed his undying love for me and I for him. When we made love, in a quiet tangle of limbs and sheets, we did so whispering vows to one another. Vows you surely heard. I honour them. I love him.
Thank you.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Dorian said he was leaving for Tevinter.
He issued it so casually for something that crushed the breath out of my chest. Forgive me, I acknowledge his goals are admirable, but I'm angry the man would even contemplate leaving my side. Yes, we avoided discussing the future, both a little cynical about our ability to survive what's coming. But we love each other. I need him. Forgive me, but I do.
I tried to convince him to let me join him at least. I argued all great revolutions require something more of a team effort, but Dorian simply sighed and said it would take great cunning and time to chip away at the status quo, rather than a big revolt. I took offence, believing he was saying I wasn't sharp enough. I pointedly reminded him I've beaten him at chess consistently and commanded an army. Dorian accused me of not being able to control my temper and I proved him right.
Is this your will? Does he have to leave me? Please, Andraste, I can't lose him.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I can't see him right now. I know I'm being childish, I... can see the hurt in his eyes, but I'm weak. I can't bear to be near him, knowing he's going to leave. Dorian is likely entering a viper's nest, possibly never to return. Doesn't he know not being able to protect him hurts me more than words?
My headaches are getting worse again. I know I probably deserve it.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Forgive me for my absence. My headaches are relentless and I've thrown myself into my work. Of course, you know all this, I just… like to tell you.
I went to find Dorian to request more of his special potion, but I discovered he's been gone for two weeks on a mission, two weeks... I'm losing time… I'm in deep trouble aren't I?
It's unbearably hot… I…
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I've tried so hard to be good, to resist most temptations and I'm on the right side of this blighted war. So… please, please, bring Cullen back to me. I'm utterly lost without him.
Forgive me, my stupid attempt to be noble caused my love obvious pain. I should have waited to see if we all survived first before I made new plans. Just sort out this one immense problem first, Dorian, will you?
The healers say he had a seizure, that his body broke because he wasn't looking after himself. I wasn't looking after him. It could go one of two ways, they tell me. He will either stay in this… coma and eventually die or he will awake and perhaps be stronger. Needless to say I can't cope with the first option.
Cullen is a good, worthy, brave man. He's the best man I've ever met. He's worth a hundred of me. He loves you, he even loves me so he must be charitable.
I'll... give up alcohol. Yes... I'll give up all of it until he beats his addiction. I swear it.
I love him with everything I have. Don't take him from me, please, I beg you.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for letting me make amends with Dorian, to tell him I was sorry and how much I love him again. You do me great honour, an honour I don't deserve. I shall forever be grateful. I shan't let my petty needs get in the way of our love again.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
So everyone knows about us now. Dorian's sorrow and refusal to leave my side an obvious announcement of what we mean to each other. I wasn't sure how that would be, but I admit now that I have the freedom to grab the mage's hand as he struts past and throw my arms around him upon every return, I enjoy it more than I ever thought possible.
I've learned my lesson and now no longer press him to stay. We choose instead to focus on the present and the Maker-given fortune to have found each other in the first place.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I didn't think I could love Dorian more. Giving up alcohol in support of my own abstinence is… endearingly noble. I told him it wasn't necessary, that the fact he'd merely considered it was enough. But the man merely arched an eyebrow and would brook no further argument.
I hope he doesn't regret it. Perhaps when I'm well he should drink again.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide.
I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the beyond.
For there is no darkness in the maker's light and nothing that he has wrought shall be lost.
Please protect the Inquisitor and her brave crew. Please protect Dorian. Maker, guide them, help them smite Corypheus.
Have mercy on us all.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
I bow before you, unworthy and utterly grateful for Dorian's safe return. Thank you for giving the Inquisitor the strength and power to destroy Corypheus.
We're celebrating tomorrow. The fact that so many of us are alive and well is testament to your will.
I fear I don't have sufficient words to express my gratitude. I can only promise to make my life worthy of the grace you've bestowed upon it.
So be it, in your name.
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Dorian seems so happy. I watched as he laughed and joked with his companions. He's finally being recognised as the 'good Tevinter' and it is utterly deserved. He will be the shining example to all back home.
Andraste, preserve me.
Please keep him safe on his journey. Please give me the strength to hold back from begging him to stay...
Maker who watches over us,
Andraste who died for us,
Hear my prayer this night…
Forgive the interruption, Dorian heard the last part of my plea and saw fit to announce his news.
He's going to stay… for now.
'Tevinter lacks the presence of my one true love,' he said. And apparently, I'm the only chess partner he's ever had who allows him to cheat.
With all I am and all I have, I thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So be it, in your name. In the name of Andraste and the Maker.
**** End ****