Ruby's Mini-Theater Presents: The Dating Game
Hosted by the famous Lindblum actor, Lowell!
Our contestant this week, searching for love is Tantalus's own; Blank!
His mystery women to choose from: Beatrix, the mighty general of Alexandria. Lani, the most beautiful bounty hunter in the world (along with moogle enthusiast), and our surprise participant, Lady Hilda! (Won't the Regent be livid once word of this gets out!)
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"Blank is on a dating game. Yes, you heard me right. His buddies at Tantalus have decided its unhealthy for him to forgo the dating scene, and since he refuses to get off his ass and ask someone out, they signed him up to be a contestant on a popular dating game. It's held live at the mini-theater in Alexandria, hosted by none other than the famous actor, Lowell!" Lowell bowed to his audience, before temporarily handing over the hosting to Zidane.
"The female contestants he has to choose from are as follows: The noble, powerful, yet lonely general, Beatrix. (Blasphemy!) Steiner, sit down before Marcus and Cinna escort you outta here. (Bastards!) uh huh, as I was saying..."
"Our next contestant is a woman who's went through a sort of rehab, living with moogles for the past year to find herself. I give you the former 'most beautiful bounty hunter in the world', Lani! (Zidane, I'm still the most beautiful bounty hunter ever, use the word former again and I'll cut your f $king tail off)"
"Duly noted! And last but not least, we have our final contestant, Hilda! Wait!...Who wrote this card? Hilda's married to the Regent! (Separated, Cid's been playing hide the sausage with the hired help)"
Awkward silence from Zidane and the crowd. (I'm not calling Blank daddy!) Eiko yelled, somewhat easing the tension.
(Don't worry, I wouldn't want you to, dear) Hilda assured her daughter before taking a seat on the stage.
Three women were sitting on the left side of the stage, the middle had a curtain separating the right from the left, keeping the ladies hidden for when Blank walked out. He was in a different room, having no clue as to who his mystery women were.
"We've taken precautions to help maintain a mysterious air to this game. Each lady will answer a question speaking through a voice changing device, made out of a conch shell. Blank will have no clue who he's picking till the very end! Who's ready for our bachelor to come on out?"
The audience roared with applause, as Zidane gave the signal for Lowell to take over his hosting duty.
Lowell was leading out Blank, shoving the red head down into a chair before turning to smile at his audience.
"Hello Alexandria! Are you ready to start this weeks dating game?"
Applause
"Alright, Blank. You have three lovely ladies on the other side of this curtain. Tell us, what are some important questions you'd like to ask them?"
"Zidane, Marcus, Cinna, when this is over with, you guys are dead meat!" Blank threatened, crossing his arms and frowning at the host and audience.
"Now now, you're off topic. What questions do you have for these excited ladies?" Lowell urged, as Blank sighed wearily.
"Can they fight? I'm not dating a chick just because she's hot, she's gotta be tough enough to go the places I go. I'm not dating a bimbo. I've learned that lesson," he gazed over at Ruby who flipped him the bird.
"Ahem. Alright ladies." Lowell moved away from Blank to focus on the three women. He was handed the voice changing device as he began to fraise Blanks question differently.
"Are you able to fight monsters when traveling to adventure somewhere new? If so, your weapon of choice?" Lowell positioned his conch shell in front of Beatrix first.
(Deep sounding voice) "I'm a skilled fighter, that can handle any battle. Beasts and men fear my attack. My weapon of choice, is my sword." She answered simply, as Lowell went onto the next woman, Lani .
(High pitched voice) "F&$k yeah I can rumble, kicking ass is what I'm all about. Instead of worrying about me slowing you down, I'd be the other way around, boy." People clapped and cheered her cocky reply. Zidane made a signal to let Lowell know they should skip the weapon part. Blank didn't need hints, and Lani's weapon was an easy one to spot in description.
"Alright, last but not least, our third contestant." Lowell bowed to the lady before placing the conch close to her lips.
(Husky, male voice) "I wouldn't say that I enjoy battling, but if put in that position, I am more than capable of handling myself, using magic to weaken my foes."
"Your conch is weird..." Blank commented as Lowell walked back over to him.
"Yes, well, it's all apart of the performance." Lowell chuckled lightly, making fan girls cry out in awe of his talented voice.
"So, which answer suited you best? Number one, two, or three?" Lowell inquired.
"Two was overly confident. Three is a magic user, so out of all I'd say one made me the least annoyed." He commented.
"Alright, one point for number one!" Lowell clapped, bringing the audience to follow by example. "Now, onto the next question." Zidane reached up and handed Lowell a card.
"Apparently, your friends aren't liking your questions, and have chosen a few of their own on your behalf." He informed the moody looking Blank.
"So help me, if you guys put anything mushy on there!" Blank growled, making the audience laugh.
"Question number two, out of the three of you, who has the biggest...,Zidane, I'm not reading this trash!" Lowell pouted, stomping one foot in frustration.
"Fine, I will!" Zidane swung up on stage, taking over hosting duty. "Our Bro Blank has a bit of a fetish. He likes his girls big in the bust, and we'd like to know who out of you here, has the largest boobs." Zidane watched as the women started eyeing one another, analyzing each others figure the way only women could do.
"I know!" Zidane went to the side of the stage and ripped off Marcus's bandanna.
"I'll give it back!" Zidane promised, hustling over to tie the cloth around Blanks already sort of shielded vision.
"What the hell are you doing?" Blank grumpily questioned.
"Just stand up already and let me do you a favor." Zidane insisted, informing the women to stand as well.
"There's only one true way to figure out who's got the fuller figure, and that's by using our bachelor!" Zidane chuckled, moving Blank to stand in front of Beatrix.
"Remember, you all signed a waiver, no backing out." The host reminded all the women, who sighed in annoyance.
"Alright buddy, this is bachelorette number one." Zidane helped lift up Blanks arm, guiding it forward until his gloved hand landed on its mark.
(I'll kill him!) Steiner growled in the audience, Baku and one of his men hauled out the knight before he could cause a bigger scene.
Beatrix was tilting her head down, gazing at the floor to hide her shame as the shaky handed Blank felt her right boob.
"Alright, number two!" Zidane glided Blank over to the right, positioning him in front of the bounty hunter, Lani. She smirked as she watched his hand start to reach.
"Go big or go home!" She yelled before flashing the whole audience, Blank the only one unaware till his gloved hand touched her boob, his fingers feeling hardened nipple.
"Zidane, you look at her boobs and I'm kicking your butt out of the castle!" Garnet warned, making Zidane turn his head in fear.
"Alright, number three." He hurriedly moved Blank over to Hilda, who was still awestruck at Lani's behavior.
Blanks hand reached out, cupping the Regents wife's boob carefully. With her attention distracted, she let a moan escape her lips as she felt his hand touch her. Everyone grew very quiet as Blank massaged her boob, smiling amusedly as Hilda continued to moan.
"Alright, I think that's had enough..." Zidane coughed, moving Blank back to his seat,
removing the bandanna from his head.
"So, did you decide who's the biggest?" Zidane asked, as Marcus ran on stage to whisk his bandana back, his balding head making everyone laugh as he cursed Zidane.
"Two had great ones, but the way three responded, I choose her's over the rest." He smirked, fondly remembering that sultry moan.
"Alright, one point to number three! Meaning that number one and three are tied, while two is still at zero." Zidane looked over at the women, noticing Hilda was blushing deeply. Lani was pouting, her arms crossed as her mouth mumbled obscenities. Beatrix held a neutral face, ever the fearless warrior woman.
"Question number 3, what is your view on S&M, and would you be willing to partake in it with bachelor?" Zidane read the card, looking off stage and frowning.
"Which one of you perverts wrote this one?" He asked, Cinna and Marcus pointing at each other accusingly.
"Ladies, your answers please." Zidane sighed, walking over with the conch, even though Lani's voice had already been heard. Blank acted as if he still didn't know her identity, so they'd continue using the conch.
(Beatrix with a gravelly, old woman voice)"I've experienced some S&M things, and was disappointed with my previous partners enthusiasm. With the right partner, I'd give it another chance." She was met with gasps of shock, the audience never suspecting their general of such...interesting bed play.
"Number two." Zidane placed the conch in front of Lani.
(Goofy, moogle sounding voice)"The F&$k is S&M? I've lived with moogles for over a year, how the hell should I know what fad your yammering about?!" Lani was fuming, feeling at a disadvantage. Zidane bent down close to her ear, and whispered what it was all about.
"I'm kinky, but not that kinky." She shook her head, disinterested in that type of bedroom interaction.
"Alright, number three?" Zidane moved along, placing the conch in front of Hilda.
(Mechanical sounding voice) "I've heard of this fad, and to be honest, I'd try it just to piss off my former beloved." She chuckled, everyone within the audience held an uncertain look, uneasy due to Hilda's abrupt and sudden separation from Regent Cid.
"Alrighty then, Blank, can you tell us the winner so we can move onto a better question?" Zidane urged his friend, walking up to the red head, waiting for an answer.
"Well, one and three both sound like they've had lousy ex's, and I can relate with that." (Screw you Blank!) Ruby yelled from the crowd.
"Two had no clue, which isn't attractive. So out of one and three..." Blank paused, the audience leaning forward in anticipation.
"I'd have to choose..."
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Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 9 belongs to Square Enix.