I wrote this when I had a fever. So I feel I should apologise for any mistakes/glaring errors/plot holes etc. Much love to anyone getting their A-Level results today. hope you've done amazing :)
Zoe didn't even bother to check her reflection as she hurriedly splashed cold water on her face. She already knew what she would find mirrored back at her. Dark circles, dry skin and limp hair, evidence of the 15 hours she had just spent travelling. She dried her face with a paper towel and then rummaged in her handbag for her phone. Somehow she still had a tiny amount of battery and she sighed in relief as she tapped out a text to Rita. The blonde nurse had been an absolute lifesaver and Zoe was sure she hadn't properly managed to thank her before she had run out to get into the cab that was waiting to take her to Heathrow.
Putting her phone back in her bag she suppressed an almost hysterical laugh as she slung the expensive accessory over her shoulder. She'd just flown across the Atlantic with nothing more than the clothes she had on her back. It wasn't until the plane had landed in Chicago that everything had really hit her. The hour's stop over at O'Hare had given Zoe enough time to contemplate the consequences of what she had done. She had been standing in the queue to board her connection to Lansing when a sense of absolute dread had overcome her. Suddenly she had found herself doubting whether she had done the right thing by rushing out like she had. Of course Zoe had made some rash decisions in her life but this felt like it was bordering on ridiculous. But simultaneously, she felt like she couldn't bear any more obstacles on the way to her destination. It was all taking too much time, and time was not on Zoe's side.
She pushed her way through the bustling crowd that was gathered in the arrivals hall and as she glanced up a the clock hanging from the middle ceiling Zoe shook her head at how busy it was for almost midnight. The brunette made her way to the exit and stepped out into the oddly warm night air. It was warm and pouring with rain and Zoe found herself grateful that there was a canopy covered area in which to wait for a taxi. She joined the back of a long line of people and checked her watch impatiently as she watched them pile themselves and their luggage into the never ending line of taxi cabs. As she waited she bent down to rub at her sore ankles, and wished bitterly that she had thought to change her shoes. But of course she hadn't been thinking. Zoe had been running on autopilot since 10am that morning and she was finally starting to run out of steam.
"Miss, where 'ya goin' miss?"
Zoe was startled back into the present by a cab driver tugging at her elbow. He'd gotten out of the cab to open the door for her but Zoe had been so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed him. She fumbled in her bag for the piece of paper she had stuffed in there so many hours earlier and squinted to read the details in the dim orange light. Zoe tried not to the let the impatient honking of the horns in the cabs behind her distract her but she stumbled over the word as she read out the address.
"Saint…um, sorry," she said, smoothing out the paper in order to get a better look at the hastily scribbled words, "Saint Joseph Mercy Hospital."
"Ya sure?" the cabbie asked, his eyebrows raised slightly, "that's a ways out, gonna be near on hundred and forty dollars."
Zoe shook her head and stuffed the paper back into her bag, "That's fine," she said, climbing into the back of the cab, "just get me there as fast as possible please."
"All gonna depend on if this rain lets up."
As the cab pulled out of the airport Zoe turned her head to gaze out of the window. Not that she could see much for the passing headlights and buildings were obscured by fat droplets of rainwater as they raced down the glass. Thankfully the cab driver sensed that she wasn't in a chatty mood, and Zoe found herself falling asleep to the rhythmic back and forth of the window wipers.
It was almost one am by the time the cab pulled up outside the hospital building and Zoe was roused from her light slumber when the interior light came on. Groggily she counted out the dollar bills she had hastily gotten at the airport and handed them to the driver. Despite the rain, the driver got out and opened the door for Zoe.
"You sure you'll be alright? It's awful late for visiting hours," the cabbie said, "I can stick around if you might need a ride elsewhere?"
Zoe shook her head softly and stepped out of the cab into the driving rain, "Thank you," she said, "but I'm fine."
"Good luck with whatever it is," the cabbie called out, but Zoe was already striding towards the hospital.
She ignored the rain as it soaked into the toes of her suede shoes and used her bag to try and keep the worst of the downpour off the rest of her. Breathing a sigh of relief as she stepped through the automatic doors, Zoe suddenly became self-conscious of her dishevelled appearance. She took a few moments to shake the rain off her handbag and attempt to brush the creases out of her dress. A quick glance down to her shoes and Zoe knew they were ruined but there was nothing she could do about it right now.
Grateful that the nurse behind the reception desk seemed to be more interested in the magazine that she was reading than in noticing was Zoe was doing, the brunette managed to get into the elevator without being seen. It all seemed very quiet and the last thing Zoe wanted was to get caught going somewhere she shouldn't be going. Once she was safely ensconced in the lift she dug once again for the piece of paper to see what floor she needed and then attempted to navigate the dozens of buttons she was presented with. She knew Nick worked in a big hospital but she had never really grasped how big it would actuallybe. Finally she worked out the combination of buttons that would take her to the fifteenth floor. The Penthouse. Of course, she thought to herself, rolling her eyes.
Armed with door code Zoe found that no one looked twice at her as she strode down a wood panelled corridor, he heels clicking against the white marble floor as passed multiple darkened rooms. Finally she came to the one she was looking for and she found herself frozen outside the door. Zoe brought her fingertips up to the dark wood to trace the letters that spelled his name and suddenly Zoe was hit with the full reality of why she was there. She very nearly turned and walked away but she was stopped in her tracks by the unmistakable voice of Nick Jordan.
"I'd recognise the sound of those Louboutins anywhere. Aren't you coming in to say hello Zoe?"
Zoe gasped as his words carried under the mahogany door. She hadn't heard his voice in over two years and it was almost overwhelming. There was no turning back now, not now he knew she was here. She grasped the door handle and held her breath as she opened it and as she walked in to the room she came face to face with Nick Jordan for the first time in four and a half years.
As a doctor, Zoe had seen sick people for over half of her life. She would probably even stretch to saying that not much really shocked her anymore. But however much she had tried to prepare herself, Nick's appearance was far worse than anything she had dared to imagine. Lying in a hospital bed that appeared far too large for his shrunken frame and hooked up to countless machines and drips, Nick raised his hand and gave a feeble wave.
Zoe's breath caught in her chest as he waved at her. He was a shell of his former self, his gaunt face and sunken cheeks made his eyes appear to be set too far back in his sockets and his skin was translucent, paper thin with a network of green veins running underneath it. But as he turned his hairless head towards Zoe the smile on his face was unmistakably his.
"You look awful," he said, pre-empting anything that Zoe had to say. He said it with a smile on his face, but Zoe didn't reciprocate.
"I am beyond furious with you," Zoe blurted out. She found herself blinking back tears of anger and frustration and devastation as she stood opposite Nick's bed.
"I thought the rule is you cut the dying man some slack?" Nick offered, but it went down just as badly as his last attempt.
"You stop calling, you stop answering my emails, and I thought you were busy in Canada with the Herzig trials and then out of the blue I get a call from Anton Meyer telling me I should probably come to Michigan because you're dying and you've refused to even let him visit you now and I'm down as your next of kin. I can't…" Zoe put her head in her hands and started to pace around the room, "do you know how absolutely ridiculous that is? How ridiculous this day has been?"
"Zoe, Zoe," Nick said, his demeanour completely changed from the levity he had attempted earlier, "Zoe, stop for a minute." Nick's voice was calm, familiar and as much as much as Zoe was furious with him she couldn't help but to heed his request. She stopped pacing and stood with one hand on her hip and one covering her mouth as he spoke.
"You knew my illness was terminal before I left Holby," he said simply, but Zoe couldn't accept it. She slammed her hands down on the table at the end of the bed, sending the plastic cup clattering to the floor.
"Don't give me that one Nick, this is completely different and you know it. When did it come back, how long have you known?" Zoe demanded. She was struggling to keep herself from shouting, but it was proving difficult. All of the pent up emotions she had compartmentalised for the past 15 hours were suddenly overwhelming her.
"11 months," he said quietly, "I was having experimental chemotherapy but it was too late, it had already metastasised into my spine and lungs."
"11 months? 11 months! And you didn't think to phone once, to let me know what was going on?" Zoe shouted, finally losing the tentative control she'd held over the volume of her voice.
A young nurse poked her head around to door to see what the commotion was but the combined glares of both Zoe and Nick soon sent her back out into the hallway.
"I didn't want to do this to you Zoe, I didn't want you to have to see me like this, it wasn't mean to happen this way," Nick desperately tried to reason with Zoe.
"You didn't want to tell me anything but you had me as your next of kin, how was I going to find out? One day I'd just get an email and that would be it? You have done some stupid things Nick Jordan but this is the worst and the most selfish," Zoe hiccupped a sob as she finally took a breath and she looked desperately to Nick in the hope that he would be able to give her an answer she would be happy with all the while knowing it was unlikely.
"Zoe sit down, please," Nick attempted to push himself further up in the bed but only succeeded in making himself cough with the effort. When the pained hacking didn't immediately subside, Zoe was by Nick's side within a few seconds, her anger momentarily forgotten as she adjusted his pillows.
"Alright, easy, easy," she soothed as he finally caught his breath. Zoe didn't think it was possible, but up close, Nick looked even more ill.
"Zoe, you're exhausted, sit down, please," Nick asked again, his voice still a little shaky.
Zoe let out a long breath and closed her eyes. Despite the worry that had overtaken for a brief moment, Zoe still found herself incredibly angry. But as she glanced over at the padded chair that was positioned by the head of Nick's bed she had to admit that sitting down seemed very appealing.
"I'm still angry Nick, no I'm…I'm hurt," Zoe explained as she took the seat next to the bed. It felt so good to be off her feet.
"I need to explain some things," Nick said quietly. His energy obviously drained by the recent coughing fit, his head lolled to the side as he spoke to Zoe.
"I never wanted to hurt you, ever. I didn't want your last memories of me to be me… like this," he gestured to himself, "part of the reason I left Holby after Yvonne died was because I knew eventually we would drift together again. We always did," he smiled, and Zoe couldn't help the smile that formed in response, "I didn't want you to have to watch me get sick."
"It could have worked, we could have made it work," Zoe whispered, her voice thick with the weight of her unshed tears.
"I had a limited amount of time Zoe. I couldn't limit your happiness too. I've had a long time to accept this, I've made my peace. I'm ready to go," he outstretched his hand towards Zoe. She linked her fingers in with his and she found herself surprised by the strength of his grip.
"I'm not ready," Zoe choked out, shaking her head softly.
"Yes you are," Nick said gently. He ran his thumb back and forth across the back of Zoe's hand in an attempt to soothe her. He could feel her trembling and he knew she was fighting a desperate battle with tears.
Zoe shook her head furiously, no longer trusting her voice as Nick continued to stroke her hand. It was such a simple gesture, but it was the first physical contact they had had since he had left Holby and it was overwhelming her.
"Are you… happy Zoe?" Nick asked, "I mean your life, have you been happy, before today since I left?" he explained, pre-empting her confusion at his odd question.
Zoe sat back in the chair and tried to regain her composure but she couldn't bring herself to untangle her fingers from Nick's. The honest answer to Nick's question was yes, she had been happy since he had left. Especially the past year and a half.
"Connie ousting me from clinical lead was one of the best things that ever happened to me," Zoe admitted with a small laugh, "and I can't say you didn't want me about her."
"You're not ruthless enough for bureaucracy, you care too much. But in the best way," Nick said, and Zoe couldn't help how her heart swelled at the compliment.
"You left me in that job I'm not sure if you've forgotten?" Zoe raised an eyebrow but Nick just smiled back.
"That was only ever meant to be temporary," he countered, earning a small smile from Zoe.
"Well anyway, it happened and it gave me a lot of time to focus on things, to get back to being a doctor for the reasons I originally wanted to."
"And it gave you enough time to become a mother."
Tears pricked Zoe's eyes once again as she processed what he'd said. She had presumed that he had not read any of her emails in the past 11 months but clearly he had.
"You know about Reuben?" she whispered, barely able to get the words out. When she finally looked at Nick again she could see that his eyes were wet with tears as well.
"You brought him home on the 6th of September. He was 2 months and 10 days old and the most perfect human being you had ever laid eyes on," Nick said, reciting the email Zoe had sent him when she had first brought her adopted son home.
"I thought you didn't…"
"I read them all Zoe. I found out that I had less than a year to live the week you took Reuben home."
Finally as it all clicked into place, any control Zoe had been holding over her tears failed and they slid hotly down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I burst in here and shouted and you were…" Zoe leant forward and laid her head on the edge of the bed and sobbed as Nick sshh'd her.
"I know that you were hurt, honestly if I'd gotten the news you had in the way you had I would have reacted in the same way," Nick reassured her, while stroking her hair comfortingly. "But I need to explain… I know how long you waited for that chance and I didn't want to take any of that away from you. I always knew you'd make a fantastic mother. And I had a choice. I could let you have those precious first months with your son or I could drop this bombshell. I chose the right thing Zoe, even if it feels harder," Nick explained, his own tears now falling freely down his face, "my life is over. But yours and Reuben's, it's only just beginning. Life g…"
"If you say 'life goes on' to me I'll kill you myself," Zoe said, her voice muffled from where she had her head buried in the bedsheets. The tears were still coming thick and fast but she had no control over them. It felt as if all of the heartbreak was just pouring out of her. There was no more anger, no frustration, just an overwhelming sadness for things that never came to be.
"I wanted a family with you Nick," Zoe admitted, breaking into a fresh round of tears. The sound of her sobs broke Nick's heart and with an inexplicable burst of energy he shifted himself over to the far side of the bed. He tugged on Zoe's hand to get her attention and when she looked up at him her exhausted eyes met his own.
"Come up here," he whispered, not quite succeeding in hiding a grimace of pain as he adjusted to his new position.
Zoe rose silently and kicked her ruined shoes off. Tentatively she climbed onto the bed and curled up next to Nick, resting her head gently on his chest. His body felt different, his heartbeat was different but the feel of Nick's arms around her was familiar and comforting even with as long as it had been.
"It just wasn't meant to be, as much as I wanted it too," Nick pressed a kiss to the top of Zoe's head and ran his fingers through her hair, "but you were meant to be a mum and I have no doubt you're going to do an amazing job, you already are." Nick reached and pointed over to a manila folder that was resting on the top of the heart monitor, "can you pass that folder please?" Now that Zoe was here, he may as well tell her himself.
Zoe sat up slightly to reach for the folder and when she went to pass it to Nick he shook his head, "when I added you as my next of kin, it was so all of that would be easier," he gestured to the folder and when Zoe opened it, her jaw dropped in shock.
"Nick, you…you can't." As Zoe quickly scanned the document it was obvious that he had left her the house he had been renting out back in Holby, as well as substantial chunk of savings.
"I don't have anyone else to give it to, Kieran has his share, I…I wanted to do something for you and Reuben. Make sure he can be whatever he wants to be when he grows up. Zoe please," he said as he saw the hesitation on her face, "please don't argue with me," Nick took a deep breath in an attempt to stop himself from having another coughing fit, "this is important to me, you're important to me. You're the love of my life Zoe Hanna and it's taken me long enough to realise it. So let me do this."
Zoe leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Nick's lips and despite how bone tired and weak he was, he reciprocated with an unexpected ferocity that left Zoe gasping for breath. It completely wiped out Nick, who flopped back against the pillow limply.
"Turn off the machines," Nick whispered with a kind of finality that made Zoe's heart grow as heavy as lead, "Please. I don't want the bleeping anymore."
Zoe swallowed the lump in her throat as she switched the plugs off. She hadn't realised how much ambient noise they had been providing and suddenly she was aware of the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears.
"Thank you Zoe, I never thanked you for coming out here, all this way… I didn't think I needed…don't let Meyer know he was right, or he'll have the last laugh."
"I'll let him know you hated every minute of my visit," Zoe teased lightly. In reality she was beyond grateful that the man had thought to contact her. Zoe tried her hardest to ignore Nick's increasingly shallow breaths. He had asked for the machines to be off and she wanted to respect his wishes. So Zoe curled up gently next to Nick and laid her head on his chest.
"I don't want to go," Nick suddenly said in a whisper so quiet that Zoe barely heard it.
"I'm right here, it's okay," Zoe entwined her fingers with Nick's and squeezed gently. There was no use in trying to stop the tears that began to roll down her cheeks, "you're the one I loved the most in the whole world," Zoe whispered through her tears.
"Good job you've got a good replacement," Nick croaked, winking lethargically, "treasure every moment…with him."
They fell into silence again for a short while. A nurse came in to check on Nick's vitals and while she was there she removed all of the electrical wires from him and removed the clunky equipment from the room. If it was even possible, once that had been removed the room was even quieter than it had been before.
"Life goes on Zoe… remember that."
Zoe laughed despite her tears and promised him that she would. "Rest now Nick, it's okay," Zoe soothed, gently wiping away the tears that had wet his cheeks, "it's okay."
Thank you for reading :)