Bethany Heath-Collins

Arthur's Story

Should we start this?

I'm not sure you'd really be interested. I mean who would want to listen to someone like me? I'm pathetic, worthless and crazy… Why would anyone be interested in that?

Maybe you should start with your name?

My name is Arthur and if you don't mind, I would like to talk to you about my life and how it's gone from bad to worse in only a matter of months. Although if you do mind… I'm sorry you honestly do not have to listen to my woes.

So when did this all start?

To tell you the truth, I honestly cannot remember… but what I can tell you is that it's been like this for a while now. I guess if I had to put a time span on the whole thing I would say about eight months. I think the whole thing started when my friends started to turn on me. They started to call me names and always poke fun at me even if I thought it wasn't funny. They would never let up, never give me a chance to recover before they would start again with harsher much more hurtful words… I never thought the people I'd always held so dear to me would be the ones that would eventually tear me apart.

I never thought that my friends would be the ones that would be the start of my undoing… or the start of my demise. I miss the days when we would all just hang out and go back to the days when we were happy. Why can't I go back? Why can't I be happy? How come they get to be happy? It's unfair! My whole life I just wanted to be liked loved and cared for. But I've only ever been pushed to the side, ignored and completely unwanted.

I just want it to end. I want it to be over. I…I just want to give up. I shouldn't have to feel like this! I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It's the worst kind of pain that I have ever felt and believe me I know pain. I've met many a fist, foot and knee to know what real pain feels like, so is it really a wonder why I feel as bad as I do. Not only do I feel like this the whole situation's got completely out of hand now, My so called friends have started beating me for every little thing, whether it's because they are having a bad day or because they simply can, they always take it out on me.

Sometimes I wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up but then I think about all the people I'd be letting down, so I get up and take endless beatings just so I can keep them and other people happy.

Do you ever wonder why they pick on you?

Of course I do. But do I ever voice my opinions? Hell no! Why on earth would I want to do something like that? All hell would break loose and I would most likely die! Granted, that wouldn't be such a bad thing since I'm a useless waste of space anyway. But think of all the other people they'd make feel like this… It'd be torture and I'd be the one held responsible, I wouldn't be able to deal with that.

Why do you let them hurt you?

Like I said if I don't then some other person's going to get hurt. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew that I'd let somebody else take my punishments. I know for a fact that nobody else would be able to deal with the kind of hell that I do. I really don't want anyone else to get hurt.

What do you mean by punishments?

Well what else would I mean? I've done something that needs to be punished. There's nothing to really say. Other than I'm so pathetic that I need to be taught a lesson so that I can be tough and strong and not so weak and well pathetic. People don't like it when you're different so they want to change you and make you into something you're not. The thing with my 'friends' is that they are different but they want everyone to be like them. Follow their every rule and don't do anything that they wouldn't. Their basically like dictators you have to follow them or you'll be the one that's struck down.

Why were you friends with them then? They sound awful!

Because for a time they were the best friends I could ever ask for. They were there for me when I need them the most and when I needed space they would give it to me. But then they slowly turned in to the monsters they are now. They started leaving me out of conversations, and then they started full out ignoring me. It hurt to begin with but then I just went with it. However as time went by they got worse, starting with blocking me in corridors, pushing me around between them, tripping me up when I would walk past. They got worse. Obviously but they were never really bad friends… well not in the beginning.

Arthur. Have you ever thought about hurting yourself or worse?

Honestly. Yes. Yes I have, but I haven't done anything. Truthfully I think about doing something to myself every day, thinking that maybe if I were to end it all then there would be no more hurt or pain but then I think about all the people who actually do care about me and wonder what they would think if I were to do anything to myself. I know for a fact that everyone I love would be better off without me here, I'm so useless. They don't need me bringing them down. They don't need me at all. I think about how taking my life would affect my little brother but he has the others to look after him. He doesn't need me.

Have you asked for help?

You seem to think that people would want to help me. They don't. If they had wanted to help they would have by now. If they truly wanted to help they would have been there for me when I was coming home barely able to breathe, they would have been there when my 'friends' were relentlessly beating me to a pulp! They would have been there for me when I was crying myself to sleep because I cannot do anything to stop them! If they wanted to help me then they would have been there for me in my time of need!

Do you think you're unwell?

Unwell? What do you mean unwell? I'm fine. I'm just lonely not unwell. If I was unwell then surely I would have gone to the doctors or some kind of hospital. I'm not unwell, I'm just different. I have different views to everyone and I have these voices telling me that I'm fine so I must be fine. I'm not unwell. I can't be unwell… I'm just lonely.

Arthur what voices?

The voices, they talk to me, tell me stories. They come to me when I'm lonely and they stay with me until I smile again. But there are some voices that are mean to me and tell me that I should leave this world and that I should just give up. I don't like those voices… They make me sad. I really don't like being sad, it makes me angry. They keep telling me to give up, stop living! I can't take it anymore! I just can't... I want to give up. Would you let me give up?

What do you mean?

Isn't it obvious? Would you let me give up on myself? Would you let me... you know die? I know everyone else would but would you? Would you let me give in to my demons? The monsters in my mind are slowly taking over and I'm not sure just how much of Arthur is left. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm sick to death of the endless questions and that awful look of pity in their eyes. I hate it and I want it to stop. I want it all to stop... Stop everything and give up completely. I give up. I've given up. I'm sorry... I truly am.

Arthur... You don't mean that.

Yes. Yes I really do.