Kill the Buddha

by amai-kaminari

Hakkai and Sanzo attempt to answer the question: Can we truly be bound by nothing? But they get the answer wrong, those morons, so someone’s gotta school their asses. GojyoXHakkai, SanzoXGoku, Crack!fic mirroring my angst!fic Bound By Nothing.

Title: Kill the Buddha
Author: s0hmam0miji
Fandom: Saiyuki
Character(s): Kanzeon Bosatsu, Sanzo-ikkou
Pairing(s): 85, 39
Challenge: None
Rating: T
Warnings: Shounen ai, Language
Spoilers: None
Timeline: It hardly matters. Shortly after the Rikudo incident sounds good, doesn't it?
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all Saiyuki characters belong to the great Kazuya Minekura-sensei.
A/N: Set in the English-dubbed animeverse. Therapeutic mirror crack!fic to my angst!fic Bound By Nothing. This story will make more sense if you read that fic first. I blame moonsilver for this one.
Summary: Hakkai and Sanzo attempt to answer the question: Can we truly be bound by nothing? (But they get the answer wrong, those morons, so someone's gotta school their asses.)

---

"If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha.
If you meet your father, kill your father.
Free of everything, you are bound by nothing.
Live the life that is given to you."

Darkness.

No distractions to deaden the deafening drumroll of raindrops against the rooftop.

From his spot on the sill, Sanzo turned his head towards the scraping snap of the shutting door.

"What do you want, Hakkai?"

"I'm afraid I no longer see the point in wanting. Why wish for something you can never hope to have?" Pause. "Or have again."

"Moron. We each make our own path."

"Well said!"

Emerald and amethyst eyes turn in unison towards the voice.

"About time you got something right, Konzen dear."

"You," Disgust pinched the blonde's features as the Heavenly Hermaphrodite came into view, "Why the fuck are you here?"

"Come now, Konzen dear. Why shouldn't we have a family reunion now and again?"

"You're clearly crazy."

"What, no hug for your aunt? I'm hurt."

"Touch. Me. And. Die. Bitch."

"Ah ha ha ha... Ah, Pardon me," interrupted the former teacher, "Miss...?"

"The Kannon-sama"

"Ah, of course, yes. Pardon me, Miss The Kannon-sama... But may I ask to what do we owe this pleasant visit? I imagine that Heaven is a much more suitable place for a... lady... such as yourself."

"Really now, Field Marshal... Where would the fun in that be? Besides, after three years of watching you boys royally bungle this, I decided that you needed an intervention."

"Ah, I see, well... Forgive me for asking, but... 'this'?"

"Yes. This. You boys've got half of Heaven screaming at the TV... um... lily pond. Really, the fangirls... um... Aspects are very concerned. And it isn't as if we can just change the channel."

"I... suppose not."

"Though even if we could, all we'd probably get are re-runs of Law and Order."

"Oh. I... I see..."

With an arrogant swish of her hem, Kanzeon Bosatsu turned her attention towards the violet-eyed leader of the Sanzo-ikkou. Distracted momentarily by the deity's odd behavior, the blonde froze for what he later realized was a half second too long as she planted a hand on his shoulder and deftly reached up the sleeve of his robe to extract the familiar folded-paper sex toy... or rather, harisen.

"And now, let's bring in the rest of the cast." she announced in a voice that bordered on gleeful.

With a chop of the fan against her palm and a flash of light, a kappa and a monkey were unceremoniously dumped on the floor in front of Hakkai and Sanzo, respectively.

"Oopsies! Must be a bit out of practice."

A second chop and the kappa and the monkey disappeared, leaving Gojyo and Goku dropped in their places.

"Ow!" they whined in unison.

(Well, they did whine in unison, but the FCC insisted that editors dub over Gojyo's "Fuck!" That would probably also explain the black bar hovering over certain parts of the hanyou's anatomy; in case of wardrobe malfunction.)

"I think it's time we found a new screenwriter." she declared with the finality due her station.

Glaring at the ragtag row of four lined up in front of her, she held the fan aloft for them to view, "Consider this the new script."

WHACK!

"Get"

WHACK!

"The"

WHACK!

"Hell"

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"Over Yourselves!"

"OW!" exclaimed the four in unison.

Brow wrinkling in new-found realization, Hakkai turned to his blonde companion and advised, "That really hurts. You really must stop using that, Sanzo."

"Finally!" chorused Gojyo and Goku.

Noticing that the veins in the priest's temple were throbbing at overload levels, the healer decided it was wisest not to push the issue at the moment. Hakkai made a mental note to revisit the issue at a later, less supreme-deity-infused moment.

Taking a deep preparatory breath, the goddess raised her hands with flourish.

"Now let's get down to business, shall we?"

Instantly, the members of the Sanzo-ikkou found themselves tied to chairs with their mouths taped shut.

"I make this SO EASY for you boys! I leave you so many clues... so many 'coincidences.' How in the Heavens do you still manage to screw it up?"

Pointing to the healer, "You I dump right at Kenren's feet – literally. And conveniently provide him with a one-bedroom apartment. Emphasis on the one bed. Then what happens? That's right... NOTHING! I thought you were supposed to be the smart one! How hard is it to bed Kenren?!"

Gesturing at the hanyou, "And who do you think put it in your head that it was a GOOD idea to pick a blood-covered, half-dead, mass murderer up out of the mud and drag him back to your bed? And here I was trying to be nice to you, General! A little divine reward for being such a diligent housekeeper all those years. This Tenpou cooks and cleans for you!"

Waving the fan towards the monk, "And you! You, dearest nephew, got off the easiest! I gave your charge a megaphone wired directly into your brain and you still didn't get the message! He might be born from a rock, but you... you're clearly as dense as one! At least our little Goku is trying."

The goddess continued her tirade, slamming the fan against the nearest end table to accent her words, "Seriously, how much more obvious do I need to make it? For gods' sakes, I even gave you color-coded eyes!"

Drawing in a few, deep, calming breaths, the raven-haired deity composed herself, then pointed the fan at the former field marshal and his general, "Now, then... Gensomaden Saiyuki. Scene 1. Take 2."

Another flash and three members of the Sanzo-ikkou, save Sanzo – much to his further infuriation, were freed.

The hanyou and the healer rubbed their sore wrists and, almost as if on cue, stood and turned to face one another.

"Think you two boys can figure it out from here? Or do you need Connect-the-Dots or Color-by-Numbers?"

"Okay, lemme get this straight." Gojyo began with a clearing shake of the head, "All Hakkai and I gotta do is hump like crazed weasels and the muckity muck in Heaven leave us the hell alone?"

"That does appear to be the gist of it," answered the emerald-eyed converted-youkai quietly with a wary sigh.

Fidgeting with his sash, the converted-youkai turned his face towards the chair he abandoned just moments ago – intensely studying the lines in the wood, which suddenly seemed inexplicably fascinating somehow, "Gojyo, listen. You don't hav..."

"Hakkai, stop right there," interrupted the red-head, his palm held up and his face turned down – his good humor instantly dissipated like fog in the noon sun. "If we gotta do this, might as well do it. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?"

"But Gojyo, I..."

With a shaky sigh, the hanyou clenched his fists lightly, perhaps grasping at resolve.

"No, Hakkai. Listen," the hanyou intoned in a voice that was wholly sincere and almost-shy, "I... I want this, okay?"

Placing his hand on his best friend's shoulder and clamping his eyes shut tightly, as if trying to keep the last dregs of his courage from escaping, the next words came out as barely a whisper, "For a fuckuva long time now, actually."

"You... for a... "

"Hey, if we're all fools together, we may as well dance. Or some shit like that." Gojyo laughed nervously, "You told me that. I think. 'Course I was probably drunk off my ass at the time, so what do I know?"

"Yes, I do recall the Field Marshal telling you that... 500 years ago," interjected The Kannon dreamily, "But do carry on..."

"Five hun... So... Uh... Yeah. So Hakkai, do you..."

A warm smile, followed by a gentle tilting of the head. "I do."

At those simple words, a grin blossomed across the hanyou's face. He rubbed his face with his hands and shook his head, disbelievingly.

"Holy shit."

"Indeed."

For a few moments, the two simply stood in companionable silence, sharing a single smile - nearly in awe of what just transpired between them.

"That's it?!" groaned the goddess, scrunching up her face and knocking the heel of her hand against her forehead, "I go to all this trouble for THAT!? Kenren, weren't you the one who told him that you weren't anti-climactic? Gods! What a let-down! Where's the passion! The fireworks! The roaring waves crashing against the cliff-side! The bodice-ripping!"

"I'm afraid not." returned Hakkai, ready to turn his patented Smile of Doom upon the mercurial Merciful Goddess.

"Well, if the lady wants a show..." smirked the crimson-eyed man, having rapidly recovered from his surreal moment of confession. In a single, smooth, practiced motion, the kappa bent over, wound his arms around the healer's waist, and hoisted him over one shoulder. "Okay, how's this for starters?"

"Uh, Gojyo... Could you please tell me what it is you think you're doing?"

"Been a while since I had take-out Chinese." The red-head replied with a lascivious leer.

"Good one, General."

"Uh, 'scuse me. Can I borrow this?" asked the monkey, tugging at the fan.

"Of course, dear."

WHACK!

"Ow! What the flying fuck was that for, ya stupid monkey?!"

"Cuz that lame-ass joke made my ears bleed. And I'm NOT a monkey, you stupid pervy water sprite!"

A second blow came barreling down on the kappa, who ducked at the last minute.

WHACK!

"Hey! Easy with the merchandise, ya dumb ape" argued Gojyo, soothingly rubbing Hakkai's recently-struck ass. Not being able to pass up the opportunity, he then gave said ass a gentle squeeze.

"Uh... Oops. Sorry, Hakkai."

"It's quite all right, Goku," smiled the healer, who, despite his awkward and somewhat embarrassing perch on Gojyo's shoulder, couldn't contain his good spirits over the recent turn of events, "I understand."

"That was almost too easy," commented The Kannon, offhandedly eyeing the new couple, before dubiously turning her attention towards the sutra-bearer. "Okay, your turn."

"That would be our cue to get the hell out," the hanyou noted, "Good luck cracking that nut, Monkey."

"I'm not a monkey! And go crack your own nut."

"Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say about Hakkai."

"I was talking about you, you dumbass ero-kappa!"

"Whatever. At least I'm gettin' some tonight." Gojyo laughed he disappeared around the doorframe with his emerald-eyed uke ("I'm afraid you've misunderstood, my dear Gojyo...") still balanced over his shoulder.

Clearing her throat ceremoniously, the goddess refocused on the issue at hand, "Now then, Konzen. Ready to follow Tenpou and Kenren's example?"

A muffled grumble was the only response.

"Come on, Sanzo." coaxed Goku earnestly, "It won't be bad, I promise."

An irate grunt this time.

Ripping the tape off of the blonde's mouth with a swift jerk, the goddess snickered, "If you don't, the gods... namely yours truly... will be quite displeased."

"Fuck the gods."

"I could put limits on that precious gold card of yours."

"Bite me."

"Of course, if you're looking for extra motivation... I could just turn all your Marlboros into Hi-Lites until you choose to cooperate."

If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha.

Suddenly, Sanzo thought that sounded like a brilliant plan. He wanted nothing more than to plant a bullet right betwe...

"Sanzo..."

Fuck.

"Fuck," snorted the priest in derision, "Fine. Just get the fuck out of my face."

A blink later, and the monk was freed and storming out of the room, dragging the earth youkai by the wrist.

Mission accomplished at last, the violet-eyed goddess let out a swift sigh of triumph, "Well, that worked out well. Don't you think so, Jiroshin?"

"Yes, m'lady"

Bending over to pick up the fan that Goku dropped, the Merciful Goddess cast an appraising glance at the retrieved instrument. She then gave the fan a few test swipes against her open palm.

"I think I'll keep this. That way, even if we can't guarantee canon-compliant couples, we can at least guarantee Kannon-compliant couples."

Stifling a groan with a cough,"Yes, m'lady."

"Ah, yes. Things are going to be MUCH more fun now, Jiroshin."

A dramatic raising of the arms, and the two gods dissolved into a puff of shimmering dust.

"And who knows?" echoed a disembodied feminine voice in the empty room, "Maybe if the ratings go up, ADV will pick up the license for the Burial OVAs."