August 14, 2006
How could she ask me to turn her? Ultimately, to end her life. Who could do that to someone they love? What kind of monster would I be if I gave in? She could ask me to leave my family, to forget about my life in Forks and move to the ends of the earth for her. But not that. Never that. She means far too much to me. I just wish I knew how to make her realize it. The life she breathes into my dead soul with just a touch. The warm skin of her fingers pressed against the cold hard stone of my cheek. If my heart could still beat, it would flutter every time a smile crosses her face.
As I watched her sleeping so peacefully, I tried to remember what my life was like when I too could sleep and dream. It seems like such a long time ago. So much around me has changed since then. It makes me wonder how much I have changed since my mortal life was ended. What would my mother think of me if she were alive today? Would she be proud of the way I have chosen to live? Could she see me as anything more than a monster? Why can't Bella understand that I don't want her to suffer this curse? I don't want her to one day look back on her life and regret giving it all up. Regret sacrificing the normal future I know she could have with someone else. Ah. The thought of her with someone else. And yet, I would rather send her into the arms of another man than to steal the blush from her cheeks. Will it come to that?
As dawn neared, I walked over to the bed and laid next to her still body. When the cold of my skin penetrated her sheets, she let out a soft sigh and shifted so that her body was flush with mine. As she pulled my arm across her chest, I could feel the rush of blood beneath her skin. I buried my head in her hair, trying to get lost in the dark, soft waves. Always pleasure mixed with pain. Bliss clouded by sorrow. Do I really deserve anything more?
Edward C.