This is what happens when you get a midget drunk. Contains a lot of insanity. Beware.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. If I did, I would really make Hitsugaya drunk and see who gets killed. I'M JOKING.
The Shinigami were celebrating their victory over Aizen, and Hitsugaya had to be one of those responsible people to go along with the trouble-makers so they don't end up drunk and blow up the building.
He didn't realize he would be drinking too.
It was a simple bet—a dare, if you so would.
He refused at first. After all, he was a mature and grown-up captain of the Gotei 13. He wasn't supposed to be drinking or even drunk and he downright declined the invitation (dare).
Truth was, he had never drunk alcohol before. He didn't want to admit it, but he was a child. And a child's body couldn't handle the alcohol an adult's body could. If he drank, disastrous things would happen.
He was a captain. He couldn't afford to lose the brain cells everyone else had lost years ago. He had to stay sober, for their sakes. He didn't believe what they said—drinking wasn't going to make him a man; it was going to make him stupider, more like them.
And he only drank now because they insulted him. They purposely did. Or perhaps it was because they were too drunk to notice what they were saying. But even still! They called him short, make fun of his appearance and called Hyorinmaru a stupid hunk of ice.
He would show them. He would show them all.
The group consisted of the usual.
It was Matsumoto, Kyoraku, Madarame, Hisagi, Izuru, Abarai, Ayasegawa, Zaraki, and even some of their division members joined for the celebration. After all, they weren't going to miss out on free drinks.
The large group (plus Hitsugaya, unfortunately) marched straight to the best pub in Seireitei. They had reserved the night, so the place was perfectly empty and quiet, just for them.
People sat around the round tables, and each head of the table went up to order the drinks for their respective group. Hitsugaya sat alone at a table on the side. He knew what was coming. Chaos is what it was, and he didn't want to be mixed up into it.
"Come join us!" Rangiku called to her diminutive captain.
"No thanks," he said flatly. "You guys have fun."
"If you're not going to drink, then why are you here?" Renji asked.
Hitsugaya glared. "Someone has you watch you all. If the other captains can't do it"—he looked pointedly at Shunsui and Kenpachi—"then it looks like I have to."
"Whatever, pipsqueak," Kenpachi grunted. "Means more for me." He searched for Ikkaku, who was first to get the first round of sake. "Yo! Where are my drinks?"
"Coming, Taicho!" the bald man called back, a giant tray of glasses in his hands. He wobbled over to the table and set them down.
Hitsugaya tried hard not to snap at the gorilla of the man for calling him… that word. He gritted his teeth, and kept his shaking hands secure by crossing his arms tightly in front of his chest.
Everyone was dressed casually for the night, even him. No one was in their uniform or captain haori. To put it simply, most of the clothes people wore were rather inappropriate.
I don't even want to describe what Rangiku wore here.
But the captain of the 10th division insisted on proper attire. Well, as close to proper as he could get from the 'proper attire'.
He wore a light blue plaid shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, and simple light jeans. That was it. Oh, and Rangiku combed his hair out, but it ended up being wilder than ever. She managed to mat his bangs down for they have grown out the past months.
Hitsugaya put his feet on the table and stared lazily at his surroundings.
This was going to be a long night.
Back at the round table, the group took their respective drinks and started to drink from it. Well, most of them chugged it down. Kira and Kyoraku had the decency to drink it patiently. Kenpachi was already on his second.
Rangiku swirled the sake around in her bottle, making the smell waft all around. She breathed it in hungrily. "Ah… You know, this is the first time where we're allowed to drink with the permission of higher ranking officers."
"You're right," Hisagi said, eyeing Matsumoto's bosom, turning red as he did so.
"Don't even think about it," Hitsugaya said from the other table.
Hisagi looked away quickly.
Rangiku had no idea what happened. "Eh? Taicho! Why d'you gotta spoil the fun all the time?"
"I don't!" he snapped. "I have to keep this party—if we're calling it that—under military regulations. If it gets out of hand, guess who gets in trouble?"
The 10th division lieutenant blinked several times. "…Me?—"
"No!" Hitsugaya immediately shot back. "Me! I get all the blame because I didn't watch and stop you while I had the chance." He uttered the words rather mockingly. "And do you know what happens when I get angry?"
She blanched.
"Yeah," the snowy captain continued. "Don't get me mad."
Rangiku downed down her sake with wide eyes, and then took another bottle. Hitsugaya sighed, rubbing his temples. He took a sip from the orange juice the bartender pityingly laid down for him.
He spat it out, executing a perfect spit-take.
"What the—!" he gasped. He eyed the glass of juice. Then he narrowed them. "There's alcohol in here…"
A couple of seconds later, he raised the orange juice high over his head. He threw the cup at the bartender. The glass shattered on impact, spewing juice all over the place.
"Nice try," he said, rubbing his hands clean of the sickly substance. "But you're not getting me drunk."
The bartender glared at Hitsugaya, and started to wipe himself of the sticky liquid, heading into the back room to change.
The young captain turned back to the group at large. Many people were starting to have drinking competitions. Most were already drunk. Hitsugaya was surprised nothing had been broken yet.
Of course, he had spoken too soon.
"Three," Ikkaku announced triumphantly, slamming his cup down on the table, making everything else vibrate and spill.
"Five," Yumichika said, flipping his bob-cut.
"You've only drank four," Izuru pointed out.
"Four is such an ugly number," the Bishonen said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I wouldn't be caught dead with that number." He shuddered dramatically.
"I've got six," Hisagi said, hoping to impress Rangiku.
But the blond was, like… what? On her eighth one now?
That wasn't going to beat Kyoraku's status, though. He had been doing this for hundreds of years. No child was going to beat him at his own game. "Eleven," he said. He was only a bit tipsy. But only a bit.
"You all need lives," Kenpachi said, downing his thirteenth cup. "How 'bout we go about a competition, eh? Let's move on to the bottles."
Zaraki always seemed drunk. So he hardly counts.
"Ooh, I love competitions!" Shunsui said.
"Bottles?" Kira said hesitantly. "Isn't that… a bit much?"
"Hell no," Zaraki said. He stared at the blond with his one eye. "Unless… that's too man for you."
"No, no," Izuru said with an unusually high voice. "I-it's fine."
"You guys have fun killing your brain cells!" Hitsugaya said, giving them a wave. "I'll be here watching you do it."
"Shut up, shorty. Who asked you?" Kenpachi snarled.
"Nice insult," Hitsugaya complimented with an ironic smile upon his face. "But that's getting you nowhere. I'm sorry to inform you that you've got no more brain cells left to kill."
"Ha-HA," the giant captain said. "That's really funny. I thought your sense of humour disappeared years ago." Sarcasm dripped from his tone like a broken faucet.
"My mistake," Hitsugaya said, feigning apology, "I never realized you knew such long words like 'disappeared'."
"You wanna go, kid?" Zaraki growled, producing his blade. Hitsugaya honestly did not know where the man got his sword from. Everyone was requested to leave their Zanpakutos at their barracks to ensure that nothing… went wrong.
Yeah. More like got destroyed.
"And watch you make a fool of yourself?" Hitsugaya asked innocently. He shook his head. "No thank you. I doubt you'd like me to kick your ass."
"Damn," Renji hissed, eyes wide.
"He just swore," Hisagi said.
"No shit, Sherlock," Ikkaku said.
"Are you drunk, Taicho?" Rangiku asked.
Hitsugaya ignored them all, but a faint ticking of his temple did not go unnoticed.
"You're a kid and always will be, you twerp. Who said you could be a captain?" Zaraki said, advancing on him.
"Kyoraku, Ukitake and Komamura-Taicho," Hitsugaya said, not even flinching or blinking as Zaraki's form towered high over him (but since he was small to begin with, it wasn't even that impressive).
"Simply passing the test doesn't make you captain," Kenpachi retorted, clutching his sword tightly. "You need be able to survive in the bleakest wildernesses with only a sword with you and your own resolve. You gotta live like a thug 'n fight like a thug. Only way you're getting through life. I took my position by killing the captain before. That's what makes you worthy of a captain's position."
"Wow," Hitsugaya mouthed sarcastically. "That almost made sense," he said aloud.
"Shut up," the giant man replied, getting into a fighting position.
"FIFTEEN!" Shunsui shouted loudly, secretly hoping to break the impending fight apart.
Zaraki whirled around. "Wha—! Fifteen? You sneaky little bastard. I'll show you." He plopped down onto his seat and started drinking a bottle of sake.
Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "What else should we expect from you, Zaraki?"
Kyoraku sent the white-haired captain a look of warning. It basically said: Hey, don't say that. I'd like to keep my face intact, thank you very much.
Toshiro shrugged. He went back to watching the bunch. Shunsui went back to the drinking competition.
A few minutes later, Ikkaku fell, unconscious, clearly beaten. His bald head kinked the table, and he toppled to the ground, out cold.
Bored, Hitsugaya took out a marker from his pocket and walked over to Ikkaku's prone body. He stooped low, and then uncapped the marker. He proceeded to draw pictures all over the bald man's head.
"It's permanent," he explained to the crowd as they watched him with shocked expressions.
But that wasn't why they were surprised.
"I'll draw on the next person, too," he said mildly. He gave them an evil eye. "You've got two options here: You drink and pass out, or you don't pass out altogether by not drinking at all. Your choice. My fun."
"T-that's—" Izuru stuttered.
"Not fair!" Rangiku finished.
Hitsugaya shook his head playfully. "There will always be punishment. It depends on what it is. And remember… I can draw whatever I want."
Several people paled.
"Since when did you get so evil?" Shunsui questioned.
Hitsugaya sniffed, and rubbed his nose. "Did you know," he began casually, seemingly avoiding Kyoraku's question, "I have sensitivity to alcohol? If I even smell it, my brain starts to get… twisted. One of the benefits of being a child," he ended sarcastically.
"So you're high right now," Kenpachi stated.
"Yes," Hitsugaya confirmed. He shrugged. "That's it in basic terms, but you're correct."
Renji had a hard time believing this. "But you don't look high."
"Everyone has their different reactions," the child prodigy said. "For me… Well, I think you all know what it is." He eyed Zaraki and Matsumoto. "At least, some of you."
"Your self-control is completely gone, isn't it?" Hisagi deduced. "You're working on impulse right now and have no way to stop it."
"That's why I'm drawing on Madarame's head," Hitsugaya said a matter-of-factly, scoffing. "I can't stop myself. On normal circumstances, yes, I would have the urge, but I wouldn't actually do it." He sighed heavily, shaking his head. "I hate alcohol."
"Is that why you scream at me so much when I hide sake in your desk?" Rangiku asked.
Her captain glared at her. "Yes, Matsumoto, that's why. Although, I would have screamed at you anyway."
"And that's why you picked a fight with Zaraki Taicho!" Kira said.
Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "I did not pick a fight with him." He turned away, indignant. "He started it…"
Shunsui held his hands up. "Whoa, whoa. Alright, we get the fact that Hitsugaya-kun here has some childish urges suddenly resurfacing—"
"I do not!—"
"But remember what we came here for," he finished. "Nothing is going to ruin our party night."
"Hear, hear," Renji agreed, raising his glass.
Toshiro continued to draw all over Ikkaku's head. The bald man twitched in response.
The drinking game continued with Kira collapsing next. Then Hisagi.
"Pfft," Kenpachi scoffed. "Amateurs."
Hitsugaya went over and started drawing on their faces. "This is their fault. Now I get to have some fun."
"You're scary when you're high," Rangiku complained.
"How unbeautiful," Yumichika commented. Nobody knew how many glasses he had downed, but the Bishonen showed no signs of drunkenness. He was simply un-drunken-able. He was still sane.
The child captain shook his head, and looked up at the tables around him. His group followed his eyes and found a rather peculiar sight.
Most of the Shinigami were all well drunk, and they seemed to be doing odd things.
A man from nearby was talking to a chair, while another was staring at the wall, apparently having a staring contest with it. A big, buff guy was standing on the table, singing Lady Gaga. There were so many others, but then this story would get a big M for Mature.
"As long as they don't kill eachother," Hitsugaya said light-heartedly.
"Don't kill eachother?" Kyoraku repeated. It was then and there he knew that something was wrong with the child. "You would usually care, Hitsugaya-kun. What's gotten into you?"
Toshiro rubbed his eyes. "I don't know. I wouldn't normally say that."
Yumichika stared at the group, drinking sake majestically. "Well, it's not use just sitting there and drawing on faces. Why don't you join us, Hitsugaya Taicho? I'm sure the night would be more fun that way."
You knew it was the end of the world when the only ever sane captain in the entire Gotei 13 turned to look at a jug of sake, and actually consider drinking it. It was simply unthinkable, so impossible, that it was scary.
"Hmm…" Toshiro's face was screwed up in a thoughtful expression. He capped the marker. "I guess it couldn't hurt. Just one cup."
The world may have possible ended right there.
Rangiku mouth was a gaping mess. "Wha… What—Taicho! I could you? You would never ever do such a thing!"
Shunsui shushed the frantic woman. "Shut up, my dear Ran. Do not pester him. It's the night where sweet Hitsugaya-kun becomes man."
"Become a man…!" she uttered ridiculously. "Kyoraku Taicho! Please! You cannot be possibly thinking—!"
"He should go for it," Renji vouched.
"Renji, if you haven't noticed, you're an idiot, just like the rest of the people here!" Rangiku screamed.
"Hey," Kenpachi said. "That's offensive."
"He's just a kid!" she yelled.
"So what?" came the reply from most of the people at the table. The others were unconscious, so they didn't give their input.
Rangiku couldn't help but face-palm. What was the point of talking them out of this? They were already drunk. There was no way… She couldn't do anything. Her tiny, little captain was already holding a cup to his lips, and pouring it down his throat. She held her breath… and closed her eyes…
He chugged it down, and he didn't even grimace or twist his face into an expression of pure disgust. This was simply unheard of!
Rangiku was more than afraid—she was terrified. "Maybe I shouldn't have brought him along with us," she muttered worriedly.
"Too late now," Yumichika said, still sane.
Hitsugaya was smiling like a child just being introduced to candy. His eyes were wild and manic. The smile looked so twisted on his face, Rangiku actually shivered. So he wasn't kidding when he said he had an allergic reaction to alcohol. Um... Oops.
But then Rangiku's worry died the minute her captain stopped smiling. He turned to her.
"I'm not a kid, Matsumoto," he said, frowning at her.
She nearly broke into a smile.
Then he faced Shunsui. "What did I tell you about calling me that name? I'm not Shiro-chan, nor Toshiro, or even Hitsugaya-kun. I'm Hitsugaya Taicho, got it?"
Still sane, and always will be.
Kyoraku smiled knowingly. "Got it, Hitsugaya-kun."
Hitsugaya rolled his eyes, but made no comment. He turned to face the group, and was rather surprised to find them gaping at him. "What?" he said. "Were you guys expecting me to go on a rampage or something?" He laughed and took a sip of the sake. "In your dreams. I'm not that stupid."
"I think he's got more self-control when he's drunk," Renji commented.
"I'm not drunk," Hitsugaya protested, drinking more sake.
"Yeah, you are," Renji insisted.
"Shut the fuck up," was his reply.
The entire hall quieted.
"What… did you just say?" Renji asked apprehensively.
"I said," Hitsugaya repeated, taking another sip of the alcohol, "shut the fuck up."
"Holy… shit," the redhead muttered, a look of pure horror on his face. He had just pissed his pants.
"What?" The prodigy turned to face him, his teal eyes dull. "Don't sit there like a dumbass, Abarai. Otherwise, you're giving them proof that you are. Have you been hearing those rumors going around Soul Society?" He patted Renji on the shoulder consolingly. "Don't worry. Let out your worries. I won't be here to hear it."
"I really think you're drunk," Renji said, eyeing him carefully. "And crazy," he added.
The hall unconsciously slithered away from their table in particular. Even the drunk-est knew to stay away. A swearing captain of the 10th division definitely meant hell.
"Who asked for your opinion?" Hitsugaya shot back hotly. Which was nearly impossible because he was practically the embodiment of cold. If he was hot, then boy, you were in some trouble.
Kenpachi chuckled deeply. "Heh. Who knew the squirt had the guts in him—let alone the vocabulary to swear? I'm rather impressed."
Kyoraku nodded slowly. "Ah yes. It is quite interesting."
"Interesting?" Rangiku screeched. "It's not interesting! Taicho would never swear under normal circumstances."
"These aren't normal circumstances," Hitsugaya replied, sounding so sane, that he wasn't.
"All right, if you're so cool, why don't you and I have a drinking game? It should prove very amusing," Zaraki said, standing up.
"Bullshit," Hitsugaya said.
Everyone froze.
"I'll have you beat any day."
"How would you know that, kid?" Zaraki snarled.
"Because," Hitsugaya said, smiling sanely, "your eyes are unfocused. They aren't looking directly at what you're trying to see, and you're swaying on your feet. Your sake is in danger of spilling over. I don't even think you know where your sword is."
"Yeah I do," the towering captain slurred. "It's… It's…"
"Right here," Toshiro answered, revealing Kenpachi's Zanpakuto, clutched in his hand. The thing was taller than him by a good few inches.
"Since when were you a wizard?" Renji wondered.
"I'm not," Hitsugaya said. "You stupid, Renji? I'm going to make Zaraki fucking swear to regret ever challenging me." He smirked at Kenpachi. "How about it? This should be really fun."
Rangiku hid being Kyoraku. "I'm scared."
Shunsui patted her hand. "We all are."
She looked at him like he was crazy. "Then why did you provoke this?"
"What are you talking about?" the womanizer asked, shrugging. "I just wanted to experiment on something."
"You experimented on my captain?" Rangiku yelled.
"Hey, hey!" Hitsugaya snapped, waving his hand at them to shut up. "Be quiet, you two! We're trying to have a conversation here." He flinched, and looked around. "Since when did everything get so loud?"
"You're drunk, man," Renji said. "Face it."
"You!" Hitsugaya pointed Kenpachi's sword precariously into Renji's face. "Didn't I tell you to shut up?"
Renji shrugged. "Look, Hitsugaya Taicho, if you haven't noticed, I'm drunk too. So I shouldn't be caring right now. Which reminds me… I should, but I don't. Which reminds me…"
Hitsugaya sighed. "Alright. He's hopeless." He signalled for Kenpachi. "Can we do this already? I need to watch these people."
Rangiku wasn't going to point out how impossible that was.
"Yeah, yeah, shorty. We're getting right on it," the 11th division captain grumbled. He lifted a bottle of sake. "The rules are simple—"
"Great," Hitsugaya said, nodding. "Then you'll understand."
Kenpachi gritted his teeth. "Whoever drinks the most rounds wins. Well, until the other person passes out. Deal?"
Hitsugaya stabbed the other captain's sword into the ground as his answer.
Meanwhile, Ikkaku had woken up with a horrible headache and had wobbled off to gang up on a stone column in the middle of the bar. Yumichika had followed him and was watching with a very amused grin.
"We wanna go? Huh, bro? You wanna go?" Ikkaku shouted at the stone pillar. "You called me bald? Well, I ain't bald. I'll show you a thing or two." He poked the wall, and rubbed his sore finger. "Ow! What the hell you make out of—bricks? That ain't gonna scare me!"
Apparently Ikkaku didn't realize the pillar couldn't respond.
And he didn't even notice the drawings covering his face.
"You wanna go bro?" he kept yelling. "Yeah, yeah. Keep talking, keep talking—I dare you!" He proceeded to glare at the column, but the column didn't budge. "You think you're so tough!" He kicked the wall, but the wall didn't even move. "Well, you're not! I'll take you down!"
Yumichika sighed, caressing his forehead with his hand.
Back at the table, Kira had also woken up, and he pushed Hisagi body off of him. He stared at a glass. The glass stared back. He picked it up and hugged it.
"So shiny!" he cried. He rubbed the glass against his cheek.
Rangiku laughed at him. "Haha. You look funny!"
Shunsui drank more sake, an evil gleam in his eyes, as if he had planned all of this from the start.
Back at the 11th and 10th division captain face-off, the pipsqueak and the giant were downing down their shots with the speed of a cheetah.
Hitsugaya gulped down his share. "Ugh. I'm definitely not thinking straight if I'm going to do this. This is totally wrong."
He chugged down the entire cup.
"Ah, the thrill!" Kenpachi exclaimed. "Gimme some more!"
"What's your count?" Hitsugaya asked him, his eyes getting a little crazy, yet his voice sounded sane. Too sane. Way to calm. Much too calm. So calm that—
"Eighteen!" Kenpachi announced proudly. "Beat that, kid!"
Hitsugaya picked at his shirt sleeve. "I've got twenty-one. You know, I'd never thought I'd make it that far. Not bad for a first timer, hm?"
"Not bad?" Zaraki echoed. "Kid, you look like shit."
"At least I don't look like I'm going to throw up all over myself," Hitsugaya countered.
Kenpachi drank another cup. "Point."
"Plus, your eyes are so bloodshot, you can't even see if I really look like shit," Hitsugaya continued, not caring that he just swore. Alright, suffice to say he doesn't even care anymore.
"Don't rub it in," Kenpachi growled through clenched teeth. "'Sides. I've only got one eye. Can ya blame me?"
"Yes," the white-haired captain replied calmly.
Zaraki didn't even go berserk on him or anything.
"I think we've come to an understanding," he said instead. "Truce?"
"No."
Kenpachi shrugged and downed another shot.
"Just so you know," Hitsugaya continued, "I have no idea what the fuck I'm saying right now."
"Welcome to the club."
Sometime during the conversation, Ikkaku had wondered over and was now trying to challenge them to another competition. But his speech was slurred and incomprehensible, so all he sounded like was a fucked up cave man.
"Can't hear you," Hitsugaya said.
"'Course ya can't, ya white-haired midget," Kenpachi garbled. "He's trying to propose a toast, aren't cha?"
"HAKLSHFAKUWHGASDUIAWHROGHW," Ikkaku said.
Kenpachi gestured with his chin. "See what I mean?"
"What?" Hitsugaya asked quietly.
"I said: He's trying to propose—"
Hitsugaya pointed his finger at the huge captain. "Hado #4, Byakurai."
The Kido spell hit Kenpachi square in the chest, and the guy couldn't help but back a few steps in the process. He looked like he was about to commit bloody murder.
"What the hell was that for, dumbass?" Zaraki boomed.
Hitsugaya lifted his head and glared at Kenpachi. But it didn't have the effect it was supposed to have because the kid wasn't really staring at Zaraki, but more like… through him. His eyes weren't really seeing, even if they were focused on the target.
Hitsugaya pointed Kenpachi's sword at the rightful owner of the sword. "You… didn't answer my question."
"Yeah I did!" Zaraki said. "You asked 'What?' and I was all like 'He's trying to propose a toast!' And you're like 'But you didn't answer my question!' and I'm like now 'Like I care, pipsqueak, ya know?' See? I answered your stupid question."
Hitsugaya shot another Kido spell at him.
"It wasn't a stupid question," Hitsugaya chided, terrifyingly calm, like he was about to explode any second. "And you still haven't answered my question."
Kenpachi was raging mad. "THEN WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR DAMN QUESTION?"
Hitsugaya paused, his teal eyes glowing. "What. Did you call me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I said…" Hitsugaya began, and then his voice raised a couple thousand octaves, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME YOU LUMBERING OAF? ARE YOU DEAF AS WELL? I AM NOT A DAMN WHITE-HAIRED MIDGET. I AM NOT A PIPSQUEAK, AND DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE OR MY QUESTIONS, AND I DO NOT CARE IF THEY'RE THE SAME THING, BECAUSE IF YOU DO I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT TO FEBURARY THE 30TH, AND IF YOU HAD A DECENT BRAIN, THEN MAYBE YOU'D REALIZE THAT THERE IS NO FEBURARY 30TH AND THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO GET PWNED INTO OBLIVION. HOW'S THAT FOR A WHITE-HAIRED PIPSQUEAK?"
Hitsugaya was huffing and puffing heavily, like he'd run an entire marathon around the world. Twice. He didn't even realize he'd gone on a run-on sentence rant, and that he had just insulted himself in the process.
His anger was so immense and heavy that it snapped the majority of the group's drunkenness to soberness. That was something not everybody could do.
"I'm really, really scared now," Rangiku squeaked, cowering behind Shunsui.
Kyoraku was smirking. He raised a tape-recorder. "I've got all this down. Now it's time I make my debut and show this to the world!"
Rangiku stared at him. "You've… GOT to be kidding me."
"Nope!"
"Did that just happen?" Ikkaku wondered.
"Yeah," Renji said, suddenly sober. "You know what? I say we go home right now, and take a long, long bath. Hitsugaya could use one too."
"Works for me," Yumichika said, flipping his hair for the twentieth time that day.
Hitsugaya, upon hearing his name, whirled around, still in beast mode. "DON'T YOU PEOPLE GO ANYWHERE, BECAUSE I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU EITHER!"
They decided not to go anywhere.
"What are you gonna do?" Kenpachi asked, overcoming his fright of the super small captain of the 10th division. (Who said he was scared? He wasn't. He just wasn't, okay?)
Hitsugaya turned back around really… slowly.
Kenpachi backed away.
"You know what I'm gonna do," Hitsugaya growled murderously.
"What's that gonna be?" Kenpachi said smugly, though his tone wavered. "Wave around that dumb stick of a sword of yours, and hope it'll make ice-cube out of the sake? No. You've only got a stupid hunk of ice for a sword. Worth no good shit."
Hitsugaya started bashing Zaraki with his own sword. Each hit, he enunciated these words: "WORTH. NO. GOOD. SHIT. MY. ASS! HYORINMARU. IS. NOT. A. STUPID. HUNK. OF. ICE! YOU. KNOW. WHAT'S. STUPID! IT'S. YOUR. DAMN. FACE!"
The last hit sent Kenpachi barrelling out of the bar altogether. He spun around in the air until he flew into the night sky, disappearing with a sparkle, TEAM ROCKET STYLE.
Hitsugaya hurled Kenpachi's sword out of the bar, wiping his hands clean on his pants. He turned back to the group.
"Do any of you," he pointed at each of them specifically, "have a problem with that?"
Each and every single person shook their head frantically.
Hitsugaya picked up a bottle of sake and downed it in two seconds flat. He slammed it down on the table and the bottle promptly shattered.
"I AM SO DONE WITH ALL OF YOU," he said.
Then, surprisingly everyone further, he sat down and crossed his legs like a civilized person would. After everything that just happened—the ownage of Kenpachi Zaraki, the swearing and cussing, the powerful display of sanity, and the crudest rant of the millennia—Toshiro Hitsugaya suddenly looked… normal.
He crossed his arms over his chest. "Not a word to anyone."
Everybody nodded their head, scared he might send them to the stars as well.
But Hitsugaya didn't look convinced. He shot a Kido towards Shunsui's tape-recorder, and it was only after it got destroyed did he look satisfied.
"Nothing ever happened," he continued. "I didn't agree to a drink, a dumb competition, and get drunk. I didn't destroy anything, or start swearing, or get mad over every single little comment that was thrown my way. I will admit that I'm drunk, and that I have no self control whatsoever. So please, if I suddenly go up to you and stab you, please be aware that I do not hold a grudge against you."
"That's reassuring," Renji said, voice much too high for his gender.
"Now," Hitsugaya went on, holding his arms out and cracking his fingers like he was about to play piano, "if you don't mind me, I'm going to head back home and put a huge bag of ice on my head. Because I've got a killer headache."
People were more than happy to let him go.
"But!" Hitsugaya held up a finger. "If I hear one more word from ANYBODY about what happened tonight, I swear… I will Bankai your ass until there's nothing LEFT to Bankai. Got it? And that goes for ANYBODY IN SOUL SOCIETY. So makes sure one of you doesn't suddenly start spreading the rumor."
He looked pointedly at Rangiku, but she was too scared to oppose him. He liked it that way.
"Good!" he announced loudly, making himself wince. He stared at the others in confusion. "Hey, how come I can make you snap out of your drunkenness, but I can't snap myself out of it?"
"Good question, Hitsugaya-kun," Kyoraku said sagely. "It's happened to me before—"
"Cut to the chase—"
"Well, you can't snap yourself out of your own drunkenness because you can't snap yourself out of the drunkenness that was caused by your drunkenness. Therefore, it wouldn't work because you can't use your rant on yourself, and if it were to work, then you wouldn't have a rant because you wouldn't be drunk anymore."
"What?" Renji did a double-take. "That makes no sen—"
Hitsugaya nodded, understanding the concept perfectly. "I see. That makes a lot of sense. I knew I could count on your logic, Kyoraku-Taicho."
"What logic?" Renji demanded. "That was pure nonsense!"
"No." Hitsugaya stared at the redhead with so much intensity, that Renji was almost compelled to believe the bullshit too. Hitsugaya made it sound almost… important. It was scary. "It made perfect sense. Remember, Abarai, because you are not drunk, you wouldn't understand something that's designed for drunken people to get, and therefore you wouldn't get it, meaning that you are the one of nonsense, because if you are drunk, you are in another state of mind, therefore able to understand concepts you would normally find confusing under normal circumstances."
Renji stared at the small captain with his mouth hanging open. He nodded dumbly. "Yeah. Yeah, you're totally right. That made perfect sense."
Hitsugaya smiled divinely. "You see?"
Renji slammed his hands on the table. "What am I saying? I DIDN'T GET THAT AT ALL! You're right. YOU'RE TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR MIND!"
"No, Abarai," Hitsugaya said, still smiling. "You just don't get it. Why would I expect you to? You're not drunk, therefore you wouldn't see my point of view in this. I get what I'm saying, but since you are not drunk, you wouldn't get what I'm saying. You think I get what you're saying? It's a bunch of nonsense! I'm simply guessing what I'm hearing because… Well, I'm drunk."
"That's an understatement of the century," Yumichika muttered sarcastically.
"I wish I still had Zaraki's sword," Hitsugaya sighed forlornly. "That way, I can run you through with it."
"I think you should go home," Kira said, smashing the glass he was hugging before on Hisagi's head. I don't know why he did it. For some reason he just wanted to.
For a second, Hitsugaya looked ready to object. And then he nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. See you guys tomorrow."
The tiny captain left the bar, and Rangiku came out from her hiding place behind Shunsui.
She looked around at the wreckage, and then thought about her captain. Overall, she knew what tomorrow was going to be like. And she didn't like it one bit. Five words summed up the situation perfectly:
"Soutaicho's going to be pissed."
The next day…
Hitsugaya woke up thinking Kenpachi had gone all out with Ichigo in his head.
He also found a giant bag of ice bigger than his head sitting next to him.
All he wanted was the day off, for Matsumoto to actually be useful in some way. But like always, he wasn't going to get a break.
A hell butterfly flew through his window and landed on his nose.
"Soutaicho requests a meeting with you, Hitsugaya Taicho," it said, and then it flew off.
Growling, Hitsugaya forced himself out of bed, wondering if he should feed that dumb hell butterfly to Yachiru.
He got dressed, grabbed his Zanpakuto and shunpo'ed out of his house, crashing several times into walls. In the end, there were several holes occupying his house that rivalled all the secret passageways in Byakuya's mansion.
He remembered he got drunk. After all, why was his coordination so bad, and why was everything so sharp and loud?
Hitsugaya was in a bad mood. To make everything worse, he didn't remember what happened yesterday. All he could recall was getting drunk and then falling asleep. After that… well, he woke up with a killer headache.
He wondered if all hangovers were this bad.
It took him twenty minutes to get to (find) the 1st division barracks. He entered and started to make his way to Soutaicho's office while getting lost a couple of times in the process. Maybe it was his hangover messing with him.
In the end, he made it and knocked on the door.
"Come in," a voice said.
He stepped through and bowed—well, he tripped because he almost fainted, but Soutaicho didn't need to know that.
"Ah, Hitsugaya Taicho," Yamamoto's booming voice echoed throughout the room.
Hitsugaya cringed and patted the air before him. "Could you keep it down please?"
Yamamoto said nothing, so Hitsugaya took that as a yes.
"Why do you need to see me?" he asked the head-captain.
Yamamoto cleared his throat. "There have been several complaints—" he began.
Hitsugaya shook his head. "Keep it down, please."
Yamamoto lowered his voice to a whisper, "There have been several complaints from the neighbouring houses around the bar you were in last night concerning loud noises and occasional yelling."
"Those are the same thing."
Yamamoto continued, "Can you tell me, Hitsugaya Taicho, what happened? Because you were ordered to watch the group yesterday."
Hitsugaya scratched his head. "Well, uh… I honestly don't remember."
The head-captain raised his eyebrows, exposing his eyes, which is something you don't see everyday. "Can you at least tell me where Zaraki has gone? His division members reported him missing this morning."
The tiny captain looked at the ceiling, trying to remember. "I'd say he's landed in the mountains by now."
Soutaicho had to double check to see if he heard right. He was getting too old for this. "I'm sorry—what?"
Hitsugaya looked at the ancient Shinigami. "Don't worry. I'm sure he'll be back by the week."
Yamamoto wanted to ask more, but he figured he would get more weird answers. "Some damage bills have come from the bar owner as well. Strangely, he complained mostly about you. Why is that?"
Hitsugaya shrugged. "I threw a glass at him."
"And why did you throw a glass at him?"
"He tried to get me drunk."
Now Yamamoto understood that.
"Not all the damages are caused by me," Hitsugaya continued. "The other division members caused quite a lot of havoc, but then…"
Yamamoto sat forward. "But then… What?"
"They all left," Hitsugaya replied, like the answer surprised him. "I think I did that," he added quietly to himself. The memories were suddenly coming back to him, and he felt sick to his stomach.
"In any case," Soutaicho continued, trying to shake off the awkwardness of the situation, "I understand that many present that night are now afraid of you."
It was Hitsugaya's turn to double-take. "I'm sorry. What'd you say, old man?"
Yamamoto blinked. "Old… man…? Are you alright, Hitsugaya Taicho?"
"Fine," Hitsugaya replied quickly. "Why is everybody afraid of me?"
"Something about sword swinging, swearing, and lots of yelling."
"Fuck," Hitsugaya said aloud.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Yamamoto asked again. This child never swore. He was a captain! He got a sinking feeling on what happened yesterday night.
"They told you?" Hitsugaya demanded, reiatsu flaring.
Yamamoto wasn't going to admit, but for once, he was intimidated. By a child, no less.
"Well, yes—" he started.
"I'M GOING TO KILL THEM!" Hitsugaya suddenly shouted. He spun around. "I need Zaraki sword. They promised… They promised they wouldn't tell anybody!"
The head-captain quickly made the move to stop the young one's tirade. "Hitsugaya Taicho, you threatened them?"
"That wouldn't matter now," the child prodigy said darkly. He drew Hyorinmaru. "I'm going to Bankai all of their a—"
"No one told me," Yamamoto said hurriedly. He held up a tape recorder. "This came in with the paperwork today." He stared at the instrument. "Strange thing was… The 8th division never hands their paperwork in on time…"
Hitsugaya turned around really… slowly. So slowly, death seemed to be rolling off of him in waves. He squinted at the tape-recorder. "I thought I destroyed that thing yesterday… Huh. My aim must've been really crap."
"I agree," the captain-commander nodded. He pressed the Play button on the recorder. A rant that went on without taking a breath was heard coming from the electronic.
Hitsugaya felt his face grow red.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME YOU LUMBERING OAF? ARE YOU DEAF AS WELL? I AM NOT A DAMN WHITE-HAIRED MIDGET. I AM NOT A PIPSQUEAK, AND DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE OR MY QUESTIONS, AND I DO NOT CARE IF THEY'RE THE SAME THING, BECAUSE IF YOU DO I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT TO FEBURARY THE 30TH, AND IF YOU HAD A DECENT BRAIN, THEN MAYBE YOU'D REALIZE THAT THERE IS NO FEBURARY 30TH AND THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO GET PWNED INTO OBLIVION. HOW'S THAT FOR A WHITE-HAIRED PIPSQUEAK?"
Yamamoto fast forwarded it.
"…Worth no good shit."
"WORTH. NO. GOOD. SHIT. MY. ASS! HYORINMARU. IS. NOT. A. STUPID. HUNK. OF. ICE! YOU. KNOW. WHAT'S. STUPID! IT'S. YOUR. DAMN. FACE!"
Hitsugaya actually considered running for it.
Yamamoto fast forwarded it again.
"Nothing ever happened. I didn't agree to a drink, a dumb competition, and get drunk. I didn't destroy anything, or start swearing, or get mad over every single little comment that was thrown my way. I will admit that I'm drunk, and that I have no self control whatsoever. So please, if I suddenly go up to you and stab you, please be aware that I do not hold a grudge against you."
Another fast forward.
"…If I hear one more word from ANYBODY about happened tonight, I swear… I will Bankai your ass until there's nothing LEFT to Bankai. Got it?"
Yamamoto stopped he recorded with an eyebrow raised.
Hitsugaya swallowed and pulled on the collar of his haori. "Uh… Um. I can explain."
"Please do."
"Well, uh…" Hitsugaya gave a light shrug. "I got drunk."
"Mhm. Apparently."
"…I'm sorry?"
"You should be."
"Well you heard the recording," Hitsugaya said, "that's all there is to it. I don't need to explain, do I?"
"No. No you don't," Yamamoto said.
The young captain messed up his already messed up hair. "So I can go?"
Seconds ticked by without an answer.
Hitsugaya thought the head-captain fell asleep. It tends to happen with elderly people.
Finally, Yamamoto said, "You have caused much destruction, Hitsugaya. I am very disappointed in you."
He bowed his head. "Yeah. I'm sorry."
"But," the head-captain continued, "I understand that the youth need to off some steam once and a while. The damages were not too immense, and the complaints were not that serious. Zaraki may have been blown into space, but I've always thought he needed someone to show him how things were really done."
Hitsugaya grew red again, but this time, for a different purpose. Was he really being complimented?
"So, I hereby give Hitsugaya Toshiro permission to get drunk whenever we face another powerful enemy such as Aizen."
Hitsugaya nodded grimly, excepting his punishment. And then his head snapped up. "Excuse me?"
"You have shown prowess when drunk," Yamamoto continued. Hitsugaya thought the old man was the one who was drunk. "It seems your concentration and strength reaches its peak when you have been intoxicated with alcohol. Your self-control declines, but that does not matter in battle. Charge in and deal with it. Make Leeroy Jenkins proud."
Hitsugaya couldn't help it. He had to say it. "Are you for real?"
"You beat Zaraki in the matter of seconds," the head-captain continued, seemingly not hearing him. "If you can do that with our future enemies, you could spare all the lives that are destined to be lost. You could stop Sogyoku Hill from being destroyed after it magically rebuilds itself again…"
Hitsugaya shook his head. "That's it. I must be dreaming."
"You could be our secret weapon. You wreak mass destruction when intoxicated. It's a full-proof plan! All we need to set you off is a little comment directed towards your appearance, or Zanpakuto, or your height for that matter. Hmm…"
"Soutaicho," Hitsugaya said, gritting his teeth, "Once again, height and appearance are the same thing."
He was done being formal. He knew this was a dream.
And then he woke up.
He lifted his head from his desk, feeling like it weighed a ton. Scratch that. It felt as heavy as Omaeda.
He looked around at all the paperwork stacked before him. He groaned and buried his face into his hands. He really didn't want to deal with paperwork today.
"Matsumoto," he growled for his lieutenant.
She came in rather quickly.
"Yes, Taicho?"
"Could you deal with the paperwork today? I don't feel so well."
Surprising him further, the busty blonde took all the paperwork and started doing it.
"Are you okay?" he asked her.
Without looking at him, she nodded. She seemed… scared.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Mhm," she said much too quickly.
Huh. Maybe everybody was afraid of him.
He smiled and leaned back with his hands tucked behind his head. He could get used to this.
Maybe he should get drunk more often.
Pretty crazy, huh? So, how was it?
Edit: The sequel is out! It is a separate story, not a chapter connected with this one. What are you waiting for? Go read it!